Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Married, but in love with another man

My best friend is married for 11 years, but now she is in love with another man. Her husband is muslim, but the man she fell in love with isn't.

She doesn't want to leave her husband as they've got a child, but also she is desperately in love..  She is suffering, she can't control her feelings and order her heart not to love.

What can she do not to do sin?

Is not love a holy feeling and gift given by God?

What can she do?

Many thanx

- Lola

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20 Responses »

  1. no in this case its not gift given by Allah(ST) and its totaly haraam for her she should stop it.

  2. Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

    Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

    Your friend is in very grave danger. She has developed affection for a man who is not her husband, and she could abandon her marriage for his sake. This is a huge sin regardless of whether the man is Muslim or not.

    Every marriage has its ups and downs, and it is possible that your friend was going through a rough patch with her husband. If she was a woman who did not know how to behave appropriately around non-related (non-mahram) men, she probably developed a friendship with this man through work or social contact and came to see (in her mind at least) that he has something her husband lacks. This just shows the dangers of free mixing between men and women. We become comfortable and familiar around people we see a lot, and we let down our guard and neglect to act in a modest manner. This laziness allows us to share words and feelings with someone we should barely even be saying "hello" to.

    This woman is not in love. Rather, she is infatuated with this man. She needs to cut off all contact with him and work on being a good strong wife for her husband. If she works around this man, she needs to request a transfer to a different place or quit her job. If she knows him from around town, she must avoid any places he goes to. She has to 100% stay away from him and tell him she is doing so. Lose his number, delete his e-mail, change her number and e-mail address, and forget he even exists.

    She should recognize that what she has done is wrong and should repent to Allah, sincerely seeking His forgiveness and resolving never to do it again. She must work on herself to develop habits of modesty by dressing in a correct Islamic manner and not chatting with men. She should sit and think, and make a list, of all the good qualities of her husband, in order to see why he is a good man and why she must not dishonor him by thinking about other men. If she sees his good points all written down, inshAllah it will help her to regain affection for him. She should never, never mention this incident to him, lest she break the marriage completely, and she should not talk to anyone else about it as well, but should cover up her sins so that Allah will cover them on the Day of Judgment.

    Since she has confided in you, you have a heavy burden to advise her to behave correctly. Tell her that this is not love; this is infatuation, and she feels it because she allowed Shaitan to come between her and her husband. She must be patient. She must turn to Allah, pray the five daily prayers, wake up to pray in the night, and fast with her husband's permission. InshAllah, in time she will realize that she was wrong, and she will be content in her marriage and raise her daughter to fear Allah and be a strong Muslim woman for the next generation. And Allah knows best.

    Fi Aman Allah,

    Noorah
    Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

    • Sister noorah I want to share my issue with you . Bcx I need help . Sorry for my English .I am not good in English bcx my mother language is Urdu . Sis there is guy who fallen in love with 4.6 years ago. He was so obsessed that he can't even see me with anyone else. He always cried like a mad if I asked him to end up this conversation bcx it's not acceptable. He never talked indecently to me ,we never met alone . Bt interacts only on phone calls n WhatsApp . Now I am married and he got married too. Bt still he wants me to be with him. He says that if I stop talking to him he will talk to others girls do all immoral acts just to show me that I did wrong by leaving him.even then I don't agree to be with him after marriage , he starts abusing me , using foal language , accusing me by saying that I am unfaithful bitch :'(. I loves him too bt what I can I do now. I am in a relationship willingly or unwillingly .bt don't want to be a dishonest wife . I did talked him when threatened me to call to me my hubby& n laws n tell everything about us . That I loved him . I begged him to leave me alone bt he said be with me . I don't trust him . I am sure he must be with so many other girls as well bt he wants to ruin my life . He is not leaving me since last 4.6 yrs. He says that if he doesn't loves me he left me after his marriage. Bt he can't leave me. He says stay together may be Allah will make a halal way so we can be together on day as husband n wife . I asked him if Allah wills then it will happen bt to be together right now after being in martial relationship with others is haraam . He keep messaging me . I feel his pain bt I am unable to be him in this case . My concine makes me feel guilty . Plz help me I am in so much pain . On one hand is my love and on other hand there a man who is chosen by Allah for me . Will Allah punished me if I ignored that person to whom I love just for to safe my marriage ??

      • This man calls you an unfaithful bitch, threatens you, abuses you and uses foul language, and you still love him? Plus you are cheating on your husband.

        Both of you should fear Allah, and stop communicating immediately. Let him talk to other girls and do immoral acts while being married to his wife, because that is disgusting standard. You know he is doing, right? Emotional manipulation and blackmail.

        If you have limited your conversations to phone only, I highly suggest changing your phone number/sum so he can never contact you again. It's up to you to take proper action, or else both of you would be destroying two families. Be strong, and stop communicating. Dedicate your life to Allah and your own family.

      • Dear sister,
        First of all I am happy that you are honest and straightforward. In this case the best thing would be to discuss this with your husband if he is the understanding type cuz if he loves you He will definitely help you and he knows that you mean seriously and that you dont want to commit Zinnah.
        This guy is trying to simply blackmail you. Do not fall for it. Be honest with you and your hubby. Then after you get your husband's support just tell this guy to piss off and that by trying to bully you, he makes matters worse for all and surely Allah swt knows best why you did not get married to this guy for he would never have been a good husband to you. I doubt very much that he is having many GF's it is just a show off and this is applied by every male who experiences failure only to impress the woman he is supposed to be madly in love(just trying to suppress his damaged ego/macho and to portray himself as a Gigolo only to impress you ha ha ha!!) . If he was a true honest well meaning type, he would have accepted fate and Allah's decision as this is Allah swt plan and he is the best of planners. Allah swt will be of course, angry if you do not grasp the opportunity he is giving you by confiding your story to your husband then this was your past and your Husband knows that everyone he/she has had some kind of relationship in the past prior to marriage.Pray 2 rakaats of tahajjud and ask Allah swt for forgiveness and help and talk to your husband. If your husband does not stand by you at this very crucial time, ask him for Allah swt sake to help you in once and for all chasing this fellow out from your life.Only you and your husband can sort this out with Allah swt's help. Trust me. Allah loves those who try to be honest to him and above all honest to himsel/herself.
        Or do you have any confidante a close relative or good friend who will assist you. Masha Allah you will succeed if you follow this advice as this too is an opportunity Allah swt is giving you via this forum/blog.
        Take it and let this matter be solved by the grace of almighty Allah swt.
        All praise to allah swt.

        • When he threatened me that he will send msgs to my eldest brother n law (my hubby's eldest brother) I got afraid .and he sent some threatening msgs to my school friends .they all got afraid too. At that point I decided to tell everything to my husband. I gave him my phone and told him the whole story since beginning till end. I got worst results then. My hubby start taunt me ,though I told him I have no contact with him bt still he behave rudly sometimes. On the other side .that guy keep chasing me, sending me msgs sometimes beg to talk otherwise threatened me to talk . I don't know what does he want . He is married too. I asked him If someone do this same to his wife what he will do . Might be someone doing so bcx she was also involved in her cousin before marriage.Allah knows the best . I am trying to keep myself away from him. I told him it's Haram to even to talk to u now . Ask him to be faithful to his wife and leave all these immorL acts bt he says if u stay with me I'll be on right path otherwise I LL seek ways to fulfil my loneliness .at this point I told him that I did what I could do , I told u everything.right ,wrong, Haram, halal . Now it's up to you which way u want to choose .I can't go further. I don't know. Am I doing right or wrong .bt I fear Allah most now :'(

  3. Lola,

    'Love' is most definitely a gift from Allah, but only when it is within the boundaries and limits prescribed by Allah.

    Your friend is married. So whether the non-mahram man she is in love with is muslim or not is irrelevant.

    If she has fallen in love with another man whilst being married, this is most probably because she has been speaking to this other man in a manner that is not acceptable within the boundaries of Islam and this is a sin. Even if anything physical may not have happened, the enourmity of this sin should not be ignored. If she wants to refrain from sinning further, she needs to do taubah (repent) and move away from this non-mahram man immediately. It is inevitable that if she continues to remain in contact with him, her feelings will only become stronger and could lead to adultery which is a major sin in Allah's law. She maybe feeling 'in love' now but by satisfying this feeling, she will be falling for the deception of Shaytaan and thereby incurring Allah's wrath. This is Shaytaan's deception.

    The other side to this is 'what lead her to become distant from her husband' in the first place? What was her relationship like with her husband? Is her husband loving and kind? You haven't provided any details about her married life. It could be that perhaps your friend was having problems with her husband before the other man came on the scene. Maybe her marriage was not satisfying her in the right way. Or maybe on the hand, she was simply not guarding her modesty and hence fell into this relationship with the non-mahram.

    How strong was/is her eemaan? If her relationship with Allah was strong, then she would never have gone towards this non-mahram in the first place, but it is not too late for her to turn to Allah now.

    Lola, if you are a true friend to her, you will encourage her to move away from this non-mahram and encourage her to mend her relationship with Allah and her husband. Of course if she was already having problems in her marriage, then this is a separate issue and needs to be dealt with.

    But first and foremost, she needs to cut off relations with the non-mahram man. From what you have told us, she obviously feels strongly for him, so it will be difficult. But if she is aware that Shaytaan is trying to make her fall and hence makes a conscious effort to seek help from Allah(swt) through Salah, dhikr, reciting Quran, doing taubah and making dua, she will aquire patience through Allah's Will.

    This a major test she is experiencing - help her to be strong. If she can get through this test - Allah will most definitely reward her. As her 'friend' - it would also do you good to remind her of this. I pray Allah gives you the wisdom to advise your friend in the right way and that your friend turns to Allah whole heartedly.

  4. Assalamualaykum.. I would like to know, what if her husband was threatening her, physically and mentally bad? And if he asked for forgiveness and kept on torturing mentally, more and more??? Happened to my sister, so i'd like to know...according sum researches done, she is allowed to give her husband a talaq, but its her parents, which are forcing her to stay with him and she does not really feel for him anymore and as they r very rich, they r trying to make her happy with expensive presents!!! She cant call her marriage off.. I cnt see her getting so upset and hopeless at all she is just 20 Nd born and brought up in a western world, does not wear a hijab or sth. But has a heart pure as water i would say and has lots of imaan, she sticked in to it for 2 yrs and revealed her problems after a year. She got married with 19.. And even though ev.thng was sved, he startd doing all these things again, but this time he did not torture her physiclly and she dkes not want to sleep with him at all. She just doesnt want to b with another man thats why she forgave him once again what if he does it again??? Please help! I cnt see her suffering! She is a very beautiful n young girl and very intelligent and is a good student too! And we r very well off she does not even need to get married ever, but she cant step baq she thnks: wht if she regrets one day? N our parents force her to stay! They told her tgey gonna solve all the probz comin in her life, but she hast to live with him all her life!!! He is just fat n ugly n rich..

  5. Hi.my sister was in love with a Muslim guy before when she was married.my parents arranged her marriage with one of my dad's relatives.she was not happy but never complaint.she has been living with him for nine years..during this time her husband used to drink.gamble.sleep with another woman..she suffered a lot and noticed that her kids were suffering too.so she decided to leave
    him.they were separated for four months but during this time she was sure that she was going to divorce him and she found the guy whom she was in love with.and he promised to marry her and be there for her..but now her husband is back and he has stopped drinking and started praying and want her to forgive him and start their life again.but she is so in love with the other guy.and has no feelings left for her husband..she let him stay back with her for her kids sakes but can not forget about her first love and can not tell anyone bx she is too scarred of her husband and. His family members...is she allowed to tell her husband about him or she has to just compromise and stay with him..her husband does not know it but he always says that she has someone that is why she made him leave in the first place..dhe has been through a lot and now she is suffering again plz tell me what to do how to help her??

  6. Its really tragic for a married person to be in love with someone else and i know because i am in a similar situation. i have been married for 6 years now but i am yet to get over another man i was involved in before my marriage( i could not get married to him because he already had a wife and 6 children). My husband is a really great guy but i still have strong feelings for the other person, and though its been 6 years, i just cant help the way i feel.

    For me, adultery is not an option as i fear Allah and so i have resolved to really work on my feelings for my husband. i know he is a good man and i appreciate all his efforts in trying to make me happy. I am also seeking the help of Allah to make me forget my past relationship through prayers and i urge all sisters in this type of situation to do the same. May Allah guide us aright always

  7. what is the punishment of an married women having affair to another man?

  8. i have a friend who has been married for 12 years and who has two beautiful children, in her marriage she had to deal with so much stress from the beginning from the mother in law many times that were emotional abuse, she has a loving husband but also played with her feelings too with out knowing, half the years went just for her to gain a simple respect in the house and be treated kindly, just recently his mum is diagnosed with having dementia and now my friend is looking after her whole heartedly for the sake of allah, putting everything behind her and taking care of her because thats how nice a person she is, on the other hand her husband by the way never had given the emotional support she caraved for the love and attention she needed to get her through this difficult time, its been a year now my friend has fallen in love with a childhood classmate over the internate, she finds the other men having the exactly the opposite of her husband, some things which her husband is lacking of, when she talks to him she feels happy and cheerful, the other men is married too so is it any wrong in keeping this friendship over the net, she tells me the other men is unhappy in his marriage too so by talking to each other helps them both to look forward to their marriages with a positive note

  9. Sisters, I read comments and questions of ladies who have expressed a few things about love, or had fallen in love before/during their marriage.

    (Remainder of comment has been removed. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

  10. Assalamualaikum.

  11. One of my friend is ( love marriage )married for 25 years with 2 children and happy muslim family, but now she is in serious love with another man long time. when her husband saw the msg in mobile of their relation then her husband told him to stop it to considering long family bonding .but several time she keep promise with her husband but not to continue after few days she is doing same 3/4 times like this .

    She also doesn't want to leave her husband as they've got a 2 child, but also she is desperately in love.. She is suffering, she can't control her feelings.

    her husband also suffering various problem and not to concentrate his service life smoothly and creating serious problem

  12. we need a strong punishment for women who cheat on their husbands ///this evil has to be stoped as it is spreading in european countries where these women have become very wicked know how to exploit the kuffir law to stab the husband /// islamic law should prevail for the adulterer and adultress as they have inflected suffering to a muslim husband // punishment according to sheria law//there are muslim woman who run their husbands to the ground for no good reason//

  13. Astagfirullah! I have the same situation with her! And i dnt know how to control it.i feel like im gonna die if i lost him.

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