Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Married but in love with my ex


Salam alykoum brothers and sisters,

I am 21 years old and married to a convert. Before I met my husband I had slept with my ex  and before my husband and I got married we had intercourse and I do regret it. However I still think about my ex and having intercourse with him everyday. He has contacted me after my marriage and I spoke to him but cut it off ASAP. I am suffering and think of him all day.  My ex never treated me right, but I am still in love with him. I dont know if Allah is punishing me for committing zina, if my lust or love for my ex is a punishment. I really need help.

My husband is an amazing man, I love him but I am not sure I am in love with him and the sex just doesn't satisfy me. It isn't about anything but the size of his "equipment". The only way I reach climax is if I think of my ex.

Is that haram?  Is it haram to remain with him if I'm in love with my ex? I don't want my marriage to fail. I will try anything halal to remain with my husband and forget about my ex .

Jazakoum Allah Khair.


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44 Responses »

  1. Let me give you sexual advice;
    Talk to your husband, tell him how you want to make love and etc, sister size does not matter to get an orgasm you dont need to have intercourse so have foreplay and reasearch on it and try to understand how your body works and tell your husband then go from there. I hope it would help.

    “Foreplay and passionate kissing before sexual intercourse is an emphatic Sunnah (sunnah muakkada), and it is disliked (makruh) to do otherwise.” (Faidh al-Qadir, 5/115, See: Hadith no. 6536)
    "Not one of you should fall upon his wife like an animal; but let there first be a messenger between you.
    " "And what is that messenger?" they asked, and he replied: "Kisses and words.

    What the two Spouses should Intend with their Marriage

    Both spouses should enter into marriage with the following intentions: freeing themselves of unfulfilled sexual desires, and protecting themselves from falling into that which Allaah has forbidden (i.e. adultery and fornication). What's more, a reward as the reward for sadaqa (voluntary giving of charity) is recorded for them every time they have sex. This is based on the following hadith of the Prohpet narrated by Abu Dharr: "Some of the companions of the Prophet said to him: 'O Messenger of Allaah, the affluent among us have taken the rewards (of the hereafter)! They pray as we pray, fast as we fast, and then they give charity from the surplus of their wealth!" The Prophet said: "Did Allaah not make for you that from which you can give sadaqa? Verily for every time you say Subhannallah (Exalted is Allah) there is a sadaqa, and for every time you say Allahuakbar (Allah is Most Great) there is a sadaqa, and for every time you say Al-Hamdulillah (Praise is to Allah) there is sadaqa, and in every act of enjoining what is right there is sadaqa, and in every act of forbidding what is wrong there is a sadaqa, and in your sexual relations there is a sadaqa." The Companions said: "O Messenger of Allaah , is there a reward for one of us when he satisfies his sexual desire?" The Prophet said: "Don't you see, if he had satisfied it with the forbidden, would there not have been a sin upon him?" They said: "Why, yes! He said: "In the same way, when he satisfies it with that which is lawful, there is for him in that a reward." [Muslim, an-Nasaa'ee in al-'Ishrah, and Ahamd].

    Praise be to Allaah.
    Everything from when Allaah created the Pen until the Day of Resurrection is written in al-Lawh al-Mahfooz, because when Allaah first created the Pen, He said to it: “Write.” It said: “My Lord, what should I write?” He said: “Write what is to be. So at that moment it began to write what would be until the Day of Resurrection. And it is proven from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) that when the foetus in its mother’s womb is four months old, Allaah sends an angel to breathe the soul into it and write down its provision, its lifespan and its deeds, and whether it is doomed or blessed.

  3. Sorry if I misunderstood if you were in fact married to your ex or not... but either way the advice doesn't change.

  4. Hi chicka11,

    May be my suggestion sounds something different, but its your choice, ok?

    As per my concern that parent have thought about his sun-in-law is not only good character, honesty, and many more things, so that their baby will be happy with him rest of her life, nobody will consider the sexual life expectations except girl, Nobody will give the confirmation before marriage,

    but i would like to consider the above things WITH sexual life as well, As per my thinking is making wife happy, admire her, adore her and giving support her in every manner is the first and last duty of her husband (Related to husband and wife relation), but if she is not satisfied with sexual life then whatever he is dong that would count but comparing with the sexual life then there is nothing as chicka said, because she need to be happy with every aspects not for certain things,

    but after experiencing the problem then no way to express, except husband, but its regarding the man hood then i have studied a lot serve and many more suggestions from doctors that there is no matters with the tool size, but the fore play and oral sex..... which prepare you excited and do the intercourse with pleasure,

    As part of your ex, well you only confirmed that he is not treated you good, then leaving your husband i don't think does it make any sense, i would have agree with you if your ex was good and caring person also have loved you, if not then please don't leave him or else get a confirmation from your ex one and go ahead if you still wanna with him,

    I have something in my mind which i'll give now,
    I think you are using mobile, car or any other equipment which are in breakdown condition, now tell me what you'll do???? you are going to throw it or get it repaired,
    as per my knowledge you will repair it and starts to using again, right? so please do,

    now my suggestion will works in the both the places (with your husband and ex) so you can use it any where, but my concern is you to be happy nothing else,

    regarding husband if he is not happy himself then the impact will be with him only, but when women is not happy then the impact will on the hole family,

    So take care and have a great life with full of happy

    (IRA & ALIKA)

  5. you are weak in your decisions and, you are cheating your husband as he has no fault, feel shame for this a bit, what if he know this, so if husbands do bad things to thier wife then they say he is cruel, look what you doing, Astaghfurullah

  6. Please stop thinking of your ex since this can lead you to a lot of problem. what if you say your ex's name while having sex with your husband, that will hurt him and your a lot. and will effect your relationship.

    I did read somewhere that thinking of someone else a couple of times to get climax is normal, but thinking of a man over and over again, that is consider sinful. I was trying to find the link but, sadly I can't find it to support my argument.

    Sister size is nothing, people still get good penetration with any size is mostly love and the way it is done. you love your husband, i can tell I also can tell you want to be with him. Please delete your ex from your life completely, and if you can do it yourself get help to help you forget him.

    Take about sex with husband is aloud you can talk to him, he is your mahram, he his not haram to you and you can talk to him about anything you want, don't be afraid of him only be afraid of ALLAH, and do right things always, that will not get you into trouble.

    I am sorry but if you like something your ex did to please you, as your husband to do the same, but try to be so decent that he doesn't get a clue that you where not a virgin before you married him. and don't make him sense that your talking about other men. just tell him what kind of ways positions you like etc. and what kind of foreplay you want. whenever your about to climax tell him to have intercourse then.

    remember it is normal for all women to climax later, men always climax faster and quicker. it is normal nothing is wrong with that. so to satisfy yourself you will have to talk to him and be honest not only to him but to yourself as well.

    May ALLAH bless you with a happy and healthy life, may ALLAH help you forget your past. Always say LA HAWLA WALA QUWWATA ILLA BILLAH-
    The meaning of this expression is 'There is no power nor strength save in Allah'. This is said by a muslim when he is struck with calamity, or is taken over by a situation beyond his control. so say it whenever you are trespassing in thoughts of your ex.

    May ALLAH guide you for the best of yourself and please love your husband and respect him and forget your ex. ANNA

    • I agree with Anna. Some here have encouraged you to fantasize about your ex, saying that what happens in your mind is your own business. But fantasies lead to thoughts and desires, and sometimes manifest themselves in action. As Anna said, what if you fantasize about this until you call out his name? It's a recipe for disaster. Instead you need to strengthen the ties with your husband until he becomes your fantasy and desire. Until thoughts of your husband arouse you. That is the goal.

      Wael Editor

    • you know Anna in Islam during sex with your partner when you thing of someone else is haram, it means you are just phisically with your parter and your soul is somewhere else, in fact your mind says that you are in fact with that person that you thinking of, it brings dishonesty and hate between wife and husband, so just think of your partner only and only during sex and look at him/her, Allah subhana wa talla will make your heart be bright and satisfied .

      in this world our life is not complete it is empty so we dont get what we want, so we muslims believe that the next life is full for us, so be happy with what you have otherewise you Will Lose it too

    • You saved me from doing such act. Thank you sister. I was very disturbed.

  7. I think your advice sucks big time. As others have said, telling this lady that she should allow herself to fantasize about someone who isn't halal for her only feeds her feelings for that person. Instead, this lady should take actions towards forgetting about her ex, focus on her husband and enjoy the intimacy with him. And only him. If he doesn't satisfy her, she needs to let him know and teach him what she does like. And if she isn't attracted to him, then she could discreetly encourage his confidence to make him take better care of his physical appearance.

    To the author:
    It's a mistake on your part that you even got married when you have clearly not repented and gotten over your ex. I feel really bad for your husband, because his wife's mind and heart is with another man. This is exactly why I would never marry someone with previous, not to mention HARAM, relationships behind him, because I would hate to have be in a situation like your husband: being with a man who doesn't really want me, but has his mind and heart with another woman.

    Why are you even attracted to a person who didn't treat you right? I mean, what exactly about a horrible person makes you want him so much that you need to think about him and not your loving husband in order to be satisfied? Seriously, what's up with Muslim women these days? Why do so many of you enjoy being treated like trash? Have some pride and don't settle for haram jerks! Stop having illegit relations with LOSERS and spare yourself from sooo much heartache and problems (and diseases and pregnancies)! Yes, LOSERS! Only LOSERS agree and allow pre-marital relations, NOT good guys! The problem is, losers always say they are good guys (and girls believe that) - but what else are they supposed to say? "Hi, I'm a douchebag and I just want to use you for sex for a couple of years until my mum finds my a virgin wife - are you in, Baby?". No! Of course they're going to act and pretend and lie and decieve in order to get what they want - they don't care, their conscience allow them to just walk away whenever they have no use of a girl anymore.

    Look, sister...I think you need to put your ex completely out of your mind and focus on your relationship with your husband. And the problems it sounds like you have in terms of your sexlife. Although I have no experience in this area, I know that sex is not static - you can always try different things and get closer and better at satisfying one another. Put your energy in to spicing things up with your husband...I don't think many men would reject their wife's willingness and desires.

    • Yes, LOSERS! Only LOSERS agree and allow pre-marital relations, NOT good guys! The problem is, losers always say they are good guys (and girls believe that) - but what else are they supposed to say? "Hi, I'm a douchebag and I just want to use you for sex for a couple of years until my mum finds my a virgin wife - are you in, Baby?"

      EPIC !!! ROFL

      Allahu Akbar !!!
      That should hit home

    • salam,

      why are you always talking in a condescending tone? just give your advice and stop talking like you are so perfect. just because you marry someone who has never had a haram relationship, how do you know he never had haram thoughts in his head? how do youknow he was never able to get the girl he loves because she never wanted him, then you marry him but his mind is on theother girl.
      you really have to be careful with how you talk to people because it could hurt their feelings. people here are asking for suggestions and then you are just putting others down. it's getting really frustrating reading all your egotisic comments everywhere and i dont understand why none of the editors here say anything to you. Poor Stacey was being critisized for being harsh, but you're just getting away with it.

      • Agree wid u "muslim girl"...sister adina's suggestions and over suggestions were quite pensive. Ppl here cm wid thr prblms...lukin for sm comfort words. Adina ws a bit harsh..its a sign of stinginess..which is also haram.

  8. Dear chicka11,

    The first thing that should have been done is to have gotten over your ex before you got married. Since whatever is done is already done I think that what you should do is try your best to get over your ex while you are still married. The best way to get over him would be to stop all contact with him. It will be difficult at first but you must do it if you want improvement.

    I had a friend who fell in love with a man while she was married to her husband. She realized her mistake later on and was devastated but wanted to work on her marriage while she was still having feelings for the other man. What she did was fall back in love with her husband, it wasn't easy at first because she felt that she didn't love her husband anymore but soon enough they took a romantic vacation to his homeland and tried her best to enjoy her time with him there. This was the beginning of rekindling her relationship with him. Now she is happily married and forgot all about the other guy!

    May Allah make it easier for you, just remember how you are blessed to have a husband who treats you well. I wish I could have a husband like that, I am still looking for someone who is how you describe your husband and I am sure many other women, Muslim and non Muslim, would want to be blessed by Allah like how you are. Many people are trying to overcome divorce, heart break, devastation and other anxieties, I am not saying your situation is less than these but know that you have someone to go to. There are some sisters who are afraid to leave a haraam relationship thinking that they won't find anyone else but you are blessed with someone. Just try your best, give your marriage a shot. Pretend you never met your ex, every time you think of your ex, start to think of your husband instead and soon your mind will automatically shift to your husband when your ex pops into your mind.

    I hope the things I say help you and those who are also in your situation. May Allah bless us all.

    • amazing... i had some attraction to guy at work last year, because he used to look at me in a way that he wanted me. And I felt the love and desire that I saw in his eyes, and felt as if i was falling in love with him.

      But instead of telling my husband that I am falling in love with this man. I told my that there is this man at work who stares at me and he gives me awkward feels,and I am not feeling comfortable at all. Tell me what I should do... So my husband suggested to me that I should go to that man and tell him how I feel, and it is inappropriate for him to stare at me as I am married and love my husband.

      The next day, I went to work and talked with that man. I told him I have seen you staring at me it gives me odd feelings, and i don't feel that it is right for you to stare at me. I can tell your married also and you should have feelings only for your wife, please don't stare at me, as I love my husband more then anyone on Earth. Also I told him that, I am not those people who like to carry on with affairs and I am also not those who support people in having affairs. (he was also muslim), So as a muslim you should know that staring at a non mahram is a sin, it can lead to disasters. He said to me, that he was attracted to me and wanted to start some relationship with me, and also said that one of my friends told him that I kind of crushed for him as well.
      I got so upset that I told him, that if he thinks like this about me again I will slap his face and brake his face, I also told him to tell me the person's name who told him that I had a crush on him. So i argued with her too.
      even if i did have a crush on him, but my fear to my ALLAH and my respect and honesty to my husband was worth more then my devil thought that was going to make me burn in hell. Whenever I think of that man I ask for forgiveness and ask ALLAH to guide me to right path.

      the only way to Ignore Shatan is know when shatan is attacking you. As alhamdulliah I found out on time and was saved from 1000s of sins, and the most biggest sin ALLAH saved me and that man from was ZINNA.. Alhamdulliah no man has ever touched me before or after marriage, other then my husband. May ALLAH bless my husband and give him a good reward for helping me from staying away from sin, and may ALLAH give my husband a good reward for keeping me safe and protected. Ameen.


      • It's an interesting story sister Anna, but it sounds like you helped to create the situation by telling your friend that you had a crush on this man who is not your husband. You should not have done that. And your friend should never have passed it on; in fact I think you need to re-think your friendship with that woman.

        Wael Editor

      • Ameen. May Allah protect you and keep you away from all evils.

        It takes a little more than lustful desires to fall in love with someone. When you love someone you have to build a foundation of trust and commitment (which is what you have with your husband) and lustful feelings are normal when we look beyond what we have. In reality we can be attracted to many people but that does not mean all these people are compatible with us and it also does not mean that we should love all of them. Just keep holding on to your husband when you have your desires and know that you are very blessed by Allah. Some of us have these desires and have no one to go to.

  9. Moderators should delete the pathetic comment posted by Moose.

    • I agree and I did.

      Wael Editor

    • ,,I,,__(o o)__,,I,, I'm tired of hearing the same old questions anyway from women conditioned by their parents. They'll never learn. They'll have kids that will be asking the same questions. Most of these people don't need advice, what they need is to be educated in the ways of the world. We all know that will never happen. They will suffer until they die, they will raise children in the same ways their parents raised them and for all the generations to come you people will be marrying men who treat you badly, engaging in secret marriages and then asking why you're being abused emotionally, and using no common sense at all. You people will never, ever live properly in Islam. 90% of the people that come here for advice don't even live anywhere close to the way Islam requires us to live, and you wonder why it's us against the world. Not being a bigoted, religious fanatic is NOT the least you can do to help Islam be properly accepted and understood in the world. How about living like compassionate, intelligent human beings and not animals that swoon and fall victim to any man who opens his mouth with a few words and causes you to toss aside everything your religion and your family have taught you, or for the men who hump anything with two legs and a pulse.
      This website's censorship of 'undesirable' pieces of advice is a disgusting display of the problem in the east. The only reason we here in the west have so much common sense is because we're exposed to all the things imperfect so that we can learn what it means to make an educated, thoughtful decision either for, or against what's right and wrong. Zawajistan is over in my book and I'm tired of hearing people moan over the same redundant, groaning, eye rolling issues. These people have passages between their ears where words go in one end and out the other. Delete my account so my email can get some peace and stop seeing these problems posted by the un-saveable population of preconditioned products of overbearingly patriarchal, bias, caste based people of a misled continent which misrepresents everything Islam stands for.

      • The only reason we here in the west have so much common sense is because we're exposed to all the things imperfect so that we can learn what it means to make an educated, thoughtful decision either for, or against what's right and wrong.

        Interesting !! Earlier you said something like "Its fine to think/fantasize of your ex-husband/lover while having intercourse with your husband", is this the "common sense" or "educated and thoughtful decision" you're talking about ? lol, surely this is filth, immoral, disgusting and ridiculous and also unwanted piece of advise when talking about Islamic advises. I can see errors in your intellect which is something you shouldn't be proud of living in the east, west, north or south.

        • I don't care if you agree or don't agree with my words. Censorship of something you don't agree with is the real disgusting thing. You wont find anywhere 'don't think about this or that' in Islam. Muslim nations are a joke with the highest percentage of abuse of the seedy side of the internet (porn) and fantasies of having an exclusive right to deflowering the innocence of women (child marriage, coveting a chaste, virgin and unwilling female, etc) in the world. All your thoughts are perverse so stop fooling yourself that anywhere in the east is the vessel of purity and good intent.
          It's the intentions that matter. I simply told her to use her fantasies that let's be honest aren't going anywhere... and telling her 'focus on your husband blah blah' aren't going to help her because we all know how thoughts plague us and don't go away that easily, to the benefit of her marriage. To me this is common sense. I have sexual thoughts about my ex, but I'm married and my sex life is suffering. What do I do? Honor your husband but do what you can to make him happy in the bedroom. Let's be honest again and if you're a man than you already know 100%, if a woman feeds you and has sex with you and keeps the house clean and watches the kids, she's the best wife on earth. Forget what she's thinking, what do you care. What you don't know won't hurt you as long as it doesn't break any rules of Allah, and there's no rules saying not to do what you need to do to make your marriage work. If anything, she's gaining good deeds by feeling one way but not acting on it, but using it to help her marriage. Men have no idea the inner turmoil of a woman and how her emotions can make her life miserable. I gave advice, and I don't care how much you liked it because everyone has a different opinion, to get her through the day until she can move past the "love" she has for her ex. I also gave her practical advice: "You're NOT in fact in love with him" and gave further psychological diagnosis which thank god made it to her email so although it was deleted at least she can reflect back on it to help her. Of course who cares about all that, because some of it was considered undesirable information so delete it of course. Give me a break. Just stop talking, I don't care if you understand or don't agree. It's advice and excuse me for being a woman with an opinion from a country with freedom of speech laws... I know how that must bother you.

          • I actually agree with you a lot of the way, Moose. But your perspective is that a person should just accept and even embrace the fact that it's other people, and not one's own spouse, who sexually does something for a person. While the right thing. from an Islamic perspective, would've been to give some advice as to how this person can possibly make some efforts in to finding her spouse sexually attractive.

            If your ex is still on your mind, why did you get married to your husband, Moose? How can you just accept that you're with a man who doesn't turn you on as the being he is? You even use negatives words to describe your sexlife...wouldn't it be better to get that fixed? Because if your intimacy was better, maybe you wouldn't feel a need to think about your ex.

          • "Freedom of speech" has literally destroyed your opinion and understanding of Islam unfortunately 🙁

            Remembered you showed this-

            ,,I,,__(o o)__,,I,,

            Is this the result of your "freedom of speech" ? or "Educated and thoughtful decision" ? and then you point your fingers at muslim countries about purity and good intent ? lol

      • Wow! You are actually incredibly right! I hope more people should acknowledge the realities instead of playing the games of hypocrites! I totally agree with your point!

  10. As-Salamu Alakium

    Just tuned in and read the comments. I too am having my own issues with my husband. I have been married for 10 years Alhumdudilah and have 4 children. I live in the West and am a housewife. My children go to private school and are happy. We just moved to a big five bedroom home in a nice child friendly neighborhood that have many children and Musllims. I am a muslimah who wears hijab so it is very comforting to see other Muslim families in my neighborhood. Life should be great for me and it is.. I thank Allah SWT for the many blessings He has given to me and my family. However, I am at times quite unhappy.
    My husband owns a business and works long hours. He often comes home tired and drained of energy.. I do not mind this because I know he is working hard and is providing for me and our children financially.. Although he provides financially and has a happy personality he does not satisfy me emotionally and physically.
    He is INCAPABLE of EMPATHY for me when I am hurt or upset about something he does. If I am hurt and complain to him, he always seems to interject HIMSELF into the conversation and play victim. He even does this with our children. I have a son who is ADHD and requires alot of care. My husband LOVES his children but is not good nurturer or talker. So sometimes my son (who is also ill mannered) might yell at me. When he does this, I get a flip flop and hit him. My husband yells at me to stop hitting him IN front of my son. This is sending my poor son mixed signals. So much so that all my children are quiet and obedient when I am home with them but as son as their dad comes home they act out. They are being disciplined by two ways. When i tell my husband we need to both be on the same page, he says nothing is wrong, Why am I COMPLAINING about him. He cant seem to have a discussion without putting himself in it. He is also a shallow person. I am American and he is Egyptian. He talks about blacks, asians, and indians sometimes in a stereotypical manner. When I tell him it is Haraam to speak ill of our brothers and sisters he'll say "so what". He never reads and is not well-read on anything. When I speak about a topic, he'll bring up the topic to someone else as if he were an expert but in reality he got the information from me. He MIRRORS everything I say. If I complain about something and use some words, when we argue another time he will repeat my words by using them against me. He is selfish in the bedroom. When we are intimate, he does not go inside but will rub against me and release. He has done this more than 50 times. Sometimes I am tired and he will force himself on me physically and make me have relations with him. He always does a disgusting sexual act on me that I told him I cannot stand but he does it anyway. I am so ready to throw in the towel but he is a good provider and buys me and the kids whatever we want. For the past 4 years now I have been having fantasies about other men and i know it is not good. I feel like it is the only way i can make it through these times with him.
    So sister just make Istikara and plenty of duaa to Allah (SWT). This is what I do when i am going through rough days with my husband.

    • Sister,

      Why don't you discuss your problem with your husband, I mean the fantasizing part and tell him that you
      too have urges, Is he a practicing brother ?, and tell him how hard it is for you to live without being fulfilled both spiritually and emotionally. If you can't talk sense into him then I urge you both to counsel a Marriage counselor or if it is what it takes a Sex therapist, I don't know the ruling on the speaking about your intimacy to a third party, so better to take the advise of a Scholar and NOT a daee on this issue.

      Tell your husband that your needs are not fulfilled and if he is interested in keeping the his family happy to work on the sexual needs of yours too. I feel agitated at brothers who try to become Islamic on in the bedroom and that too selfishly for themselves, did not the prophet talk explicitly about foreplay,playing with each other and helping the wife reach orgasm as an Ibadah, subhana Allah how beautiful is our deen and how despicable are the ones who abandon it

      I recommend you and your Husband read the articles I have listed below, and sister one thing in Islam about Sabr is not to suffer in Silence .

      I also recommend you to and all the people who suffer abuse to short watch this thought provoking on

      Sabr is Not Suffering in Silence - Webinar (Yasmin Mogahed)

      Sabr is Not Suffering in Silence - Q&A (Yasmin Mogahed)

      This women should be taken as the ideal of a Muslimah

      Once Umar RA thought that people had unnecessarily raised the amount of mahr (dower) and, while addressing to those gathered in the masjid, he told them to keep the amount of dower low. One old woman stood up and interrupted Umar and told him that he had no right to fix the dower of women when Allah Himself says: ... Surah an-Nisaa: 20-21. This shows, she argued, that there is no limit to mahr. [Fath al-Bari, Vol. 9, p.161] [Afzal: p. 79]

      Umar conceded and made the historical remark:

      "A woman scored right and a leader erred."
      "Everyone is a better faqih than Umar, even the women."


      Listen to Them and Understand their Sexual Struggles (of our Muslim Female Youth)

      Sex MashaAllah | Muslim Vignettes on Female Sexuality

      Disclaimer- this posts above is meant for a mature audience only as it contains sexually explicit material.

      Many men and women in our communities live under the illusion that only men feel desire or have an interest in being sexual, and that women should not or cannot feel attraction, do not experience sexual pleasure, and can live healthy intimate lives without sexual satisfaction for lengthy periods of time. This leads to misunderstandings and disappointments about wanting sex, initiating intimacy, and/or feeling excitement when sexual stimulation occurs.

      Single & Looking | Muslim Vignettes on Female Sexuality Part II

      • What was the point of posting the incident which happened in Hazart Umar's time ? That was not relevant to the comment posted by Noha.

        • Assalamualaikum Warahamtullahi Wabarkaatuhu,

          I posted the incident to show the women in Islam were not subjugated and stood up for their rights, when some one even if it was the Khalifa who tried to place a law that was not against the Qur'an and Sunnah .. even though in the case of Umar he was unaware of the Law and later acknowledged the knowledge of the women.

          Having Sabr is not suffering in Silence, when you are oppressed you stand up against the oppressor, that is what Islam teaches...

          The sisters I have seen in this forum seem ok taking "Oppression" from their male counterparts/spouses, they should talk to their spouses about the problem and let them know that just cuz they are providing, they can't give them the 2nd class treatment, they should remind them that Allah has commanded the men to provide for the women.

          • As-Salamu Alakium

            Thank you HelplessSlave for the informative article which I will Insha'Allah read after this text.

            I have been married for 10 years and have had very long talks to my husband over the course of 4 years. I have literally POURED my heart out to him about my frustrations over his selfishness in the bedroom. He simply listens then tells me it will be better. He keeps his word for a week and then is back to being selfish in the bedroom. It is like a vicious cycle.

            Many times my husband does this nasty bedroom act with me and I have told him I don't like this. He continues to do it anyway. I am left feeling like an object

            When I pour my heart out to him and tell him I am not being emotionally fulfilled; he simply tells me that I am ungrateful because he works all day and provides for his family financially.

            When I explain to him that marriage is more than just providing for wife and kids, he tells me he is doing his best.

            My husband is unable to have emotional feelings and it leaves a hole in my heart.

            He cannot see that I am empty emotionally and spiritually.

            Last night we had a talk about the way I felt. After I poured my heart to him, he said "87% of divorce is due to financial problems"!

            All my husband sees is surface. He is not capable of expressing himself because there is no depth to him. He is a surface man who feels that as long as he makes Salat, fast, and of couse adhere to the other pillars of Islam, then that is all there is. He cannot think about faith in it's most deepest yet simple terms.

            As I mentioned earlier, he talks about other group of people and laughs at this. He laughs at everything and I am afraid that this is going to chip away at his deen. He is seldom serious.

            When we argue, I might tell him some words about how selfish he is. About a week later if we argue again, he will use my words from the previous argument against me. He always does this. I feel he has no mind of his own.

            He has no jealousy for me either. One time (Astagfirlah) I wore a tight sweater with long skirt just to see if he would mention it, and guess what? He never mentioned it. I wear hijab.

            One time a co-worker was flirting with me at this school I worked at. When I mentioned it, he told me "well if a woman knows her place she shouldn't open that door to allow such a thing"

            My husband does not know how to be a friend and a lover. He doesn't even know how to be a positive role model for his children. He never talks to them about how their day went, what they did, nothing.

            Sometimes when I complain to him about the children's need for their father, he makes the conversation about him.. He'll say "what do you want from me now"?

            My oldest son is 9 and my husband does not even recommend him to pray with him. I at times try to encourage my son to pray with me. And Alhumdudilah my son prays with me sometimes. I just have to be more mindful of this.

            My husband says he loves me but he does not show it. Even when we fight, and he tries to make-up I feel it is forced.

            I am at the point now where I am thinking about my future and my childrens future.
            I do not want to sound like I am crying and ungrateful. My husband is a good provider to me and the children and he buys us whatever we want. However money doesn't substitute for happiness. Insha"Allah I just have to keep making du'aa. Thank you again for the information.

    • Noha ,

      Even if you are happily married but working closely with men in office there will be attraction between them .
      Some of married women gets involved in sex with men despite having good life with husbands.
      Working along side men have challenges to control your sexual desires .

      You probably getting thought of other men other than your husband as probably you got bored with him and want to taste new guy . This is possible .

  11. Sister Noha,

    Subhana 'Allah my sister, how much Sabr you have. May Allah ease your situation and give you a fulfilling life, hold onto the rope of Allah sister, Pray Isthikara, Pray Thahajjud, get closer to Allah for that is the only solution.

    Allah would never let us for ourselves, for those who put their trust in Allah, he is the best disposer of affairs.

    Jabir ibn Abdullah narrated that Allah’s Messenger salallahu alayhi wasallam said, “On the Day of Resurrection, when people who have suffered affliction are given their reward, those who are healthy will wish their skins had been cut to pieces with scissors when they were in the world.” (Al-Tirmidhi, 1570)

  12. i agree with adina mohammadi.

    your young though i dont see any good coming out of staying in a relationship that isnt entirely fullfilling. ur holding out on urself and ur hubby can be with a woman who actually wants loves appreciates and is attracted to him for all that he is, if he's a smart man he will realise this sooner or later. am i right or wrong to understand that u married him to help get u over ur ex and so u dont have to deal with feeling of loss u felt at no longer having him in ur life for whatever reasons? thats what it sounds like to me. we all make mistakes especially the younger we are. living like this will eat u up alive from th inside and will eventually impact ur relationship whether u with it to or not, thats if it hasnt already.

    if u dont have kids...then ur hubby deserves happiness so do u. u never got over ur ex so that is something u will carry until u do. u shouldnt even consider a relationship with another healthy sane individual till u work out ur previous issues. time does heal by th will of Allah(S.W.A) inshaAllah and thats what u need.

    in th end, deep down in ur heart u know what is needed but whether or not u will pull it off is down to u. seeking validation from others wont affect what u will do and whether u will make changes or not. only you know what u will do and can tend to ur current predicament.

  13. Sister Noha,

    SubhanaAllah! You are so lucky. Mine does most of what you stated and still give me the beating of my life mostly in front of our daughter (2) year old. Even when I was pregnant with our 2nd baby he hit. He will beat me and on top of that threaten to throw me out. He will insult my family for the most simple reason. We have being married for 3 years now but I joined him in USA about a 1+ and ever since its being hell for me. I don't know what kind of sin I have commit to be seeing all these. Right now all the feelings I have for him are dead.

    • Salaams,

      If you came to the USA to be with your husband and he treats you like this, you have options. You can call the police on him. You can leave him and go with your children to a shelter and be safe from him, and they can help you become independent of him. You can also contact or go to the embassy of your home country and ask for asylum or a way to return to your family. DO NOT accept to be treated like this when you don't have to! you can call 1-800-799-7233 (national domestic violence hotline) and they can put you in touch with resources in your area. Also their website is

      -Amy Editor

  14. same thing happened with me..but after one month of my marriage i asked for divorce and now i m married to my ex..i think its better to get divorce and marry the one you love.then to do zina or have extra marital affair..

  15. Dear sister
    The first thing yo say is you want to be a islamic women thats a great thing may allah guide u on the right path thats the only reason you want to change to please allah.
    Sistrr...first of all just think for few min in your self what is more important. ..this life or the life aftrr death.which pain is more painful ...the pain to be away from haram relation or the pain of hell.
    What is more important to leave your ex and be far away from sin now for the sake of allah or your desires.
    Whom you love the most...allah or your ex??
    When you get these answers you youself can get the solution
    Forget the past...what ever might have happened ask allah for forgiveness...dont spoil your future dear...offer tahajjud ..cry and ask allah for help....ask his guidance. ...
    The real peace of mind lyes in remember ing allah
    Please first thing u do is just be far away from those memories with ur ex....delete mails...photoes...remove evrything related to him...keep yourself quran and understand with ur parents...frnds...learn cooking or gardening do anything halal you love.
    That would ease your situation.
    And never forget allah is always hearing...and forgiving
    Fee amaan illah

  16. Please forgive me- a lot of you are commenting to "tell her husband about her physical needs"! As you are forgetting how extremely sensitive the male EGO is when it comes to this matter! If you say otherwise- I really won't believe it! Men HATE having their "performance" judged. Why do you think so many women bother to fake orgasms?
    Myself I tried talking in the sweetest posibble way to my otherwise very loving and kind husband, tried wearing something nice, tried seducing him, tried talking to him telling him what I liked... all that comes back is a very frustrated husband and the phrase that I should "calm down"- so we can go back to our 5 minutes sexual encounters once in the blue moon. So- before we give this lady any advice- we should ask if the husband is one of the very few men who doesn't mind discussing his "performance".
    My post is not just based on my experience but widely on a lot of other friends and females I know.

    • Salam,

      I'm sorry you're in that situation where your husband can't handle the truth but a lot of us don't have that problem. If the problem cannot be stated then there can be no progression towards a solution. There are resources available and in other marriages where the guy can take the truth they work towards a solution.

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