Married but not happy
Salaam,
I am going to keep this very short. I got married 19 years ago in a forced marriage (I am a male) with my cousin in Pakistan. Since my marriage I have been extremely unhappy, but somehow I have managed to live with this woman who is very controlling and times very foul mouthed due to a serious lack of education. For 20 years I have never even called her name or refer as nothing, we just do this and that-no real communication in our lives like a normal couple.
I have four children with this woman, and to be honest she is unable to even cope with them. The only reason why I think she wanted kids was to tie me down so that I don’t leave. Anyway, prior to my marriage (forced) I was going to get married to a lovely woman who I met at university, but my father didn’t approve as he felt that she would grab all the land in Pakistan—which to be honest was an excuse to marry me off in Pakistan under deception.
I recently met this woman who I originally wanted to marry, and she has serious feelings for me even after 20 years. She is married and has two children, but also has problems with their marriage. I would like to marry her, but can’t due to her being married already. Is there a solution as to what I can do, as I am extremely unhappy. In fact, at times I don’t even want to go home. Would divorce be the solution? I am concerned about the kids, not her.
-nak
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Deer ,
At that time it's not your age to get married if you love your kids?if your past lover was in your luck allah will give you since 20 years . If allah donnot set your nikah with your lover then why you challenge his wish . Please forget your lover . If you do that either marry again or give divoce to your wife through that way you lose your respect In your children eyes .
Try to be happy with your wife she spend 20 years with you what is her fault she never know about your lover before marriage may be she was not marry you ? If your father choice her for you it's means he better know you . So donnot attend any phone call of ur lover and not meet her again . Try to love your wife .before you and your lover meet again you are satisfy with your life then now forget evey thing love your kids?
OP: Father......felt that she would grab all the land in Pakistan—which to be honest was an excuse to marry me off in Pakistan under deception.
Your father did not marry you, he sold you for some land in Pakistan. I mean this marriage was all about greed. I don't think it is a good idea to divorce and remarry at this point. Make sure your kids get married to best person and not some cousin who has lot of land. I hope you have bonded well with your kids. Your kids should not suffer because of a very bad decision made by your father.
Dude it's your life , Take control of it.
Tell your wife to cooperate with you if not you can put an arbiter between, If still things don't work out you can divorce her. This is what Islam has taught . I don't want you to divorce her , or make a decision in hurry, but at the end its your life. Try reconciliation steps which are being said in Islam, If still things don't work out you can take any decision. Do not contact the other lady in the mean time as it can influence your decision.
If you feel she is abusive get out of this marriage. Using foul words or abusive language can be abuse and you should not put up with it. If your life is miserable with this women then divorce is probably the best option. Allah does not want us to live in misery. You have choice. Just make sure your children are taken care of and you can visit them often. Think of them first but do not stay in a bad marriage for them as usually the children understand when the parents have an awful marriage. You can try counselling with your wife first to see if you can find happiness. 20 years is a long time to stay so that is more difficult to leave. But if there is constant foul language you can not develop strong iman in that environment or live a good life for Allah . Home is suppose to be a tranquil and peaceful place and marriage although has many problems , there also should be love, respect and trust. I do not believe it is a person's destiny to live in abuse . We still have choices in this life and maybe that is our test. Pray a lot and make dua. About the other woman that you wanted to marry , it is best to wait until you are divorced. That is haram to get involved with her now or even talk to her. First decide whether you want to stay with your wife, work on the marriage,or divorce. If you divorce then you can decide about the other woman you knew from university. She is married as well so do not talk to her at all. You do not want to be the cause of her break up with her husband. Nothing good can come from that if you go about a relationship through a haraam way. Do not complicate things for yourself and commit more sins. May Allah help you and bless you and your children.
Assalaamualaikam
Regardless of when it happened, forced marriage is wrong. Islamically, a person has the right to choose whether or not they wish to marry a potential spouse.
With regards your wife, it sounds like there is very little love between you. I can only imagine how hard it must have been for both of you, to live in an unwanted marriage for so long, and to have to find a way to raise children in that setting as well... However, the two of you have remained in this marriage for 20 years. That's a long time to stay with someone, so it might be helpful to think: "Why have I stayed when I could have left at any point in the last 20 years?". The answer might be worth considering before making any big decisions.
I wonder if the arrival of this woman from your past may be making things seem even more polarised. With her arrival, comes the idea of the life you might have had together - which makes the problems in your real, imperfect marriage seem even worse. If she's having problems in her marriage too, it may be that both of you are experiencing a bit of "is the grass greener on the other side?".
My advice would be to separate the two issues...
First, think about your own marriage. Would you feel this dissatisfied with the life you have, if this other woman had not come back into your life? Are there any things in your relationship that mean this marriage might be worth trying to save? It might help to have some marriage counselling sessions, and even to talk with your wife about some of the issues in your relationship, as she may have been having problems herself. If you come to a decision that you cannot remain in this marriage, then you have the right to divorce - if you do this, be sure to be respectful and fair; after all, your wife has stayed with you for 20 years and is the mother of your children.
The other woman is not your mahram. So, you should not be engaging in private communication with her or discussing whether or not the two of you have romantic feelings for each other. Make sure that you are observing Islamic limits in your interactions. If she is having problems in her marriage, then give her the time and space to address these. And remember that for the two of you to leave your current relationships and take a gamble that you can live happily ever after, the cost will be the break-up of two families. Only the two of you can decide whether you are willing to pay that price.
Before making any decision, pray istikhara. Ask Allah to guide you.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
First of all, it was wrong of you to marry your wife in the first place when you didn't like or want her. You should have been strong enough to put your foot down and demand the right to marry someone of your own choice. Instead, you bowed down and put your life in to your family's hands. Now, you have spent 20 years of your life with a woman you don't even like, and you have created children with her who will now have to tackle any family decision you are making.
I think you should have gotten divorced a long time ago. But you didn't. You are only contemplating divorce now, because of this married woman you are in love with. It doesn't matter what her marriage is like, it's not your marriage to butt in to and have an opinion or feeling about. It's not your job to comfort this woman through her, apparently, unhappy marriage. You are not her husband, so her life and her marriage is totally none of your business. If she really is so unhappy as she claims, why hasn't she divorced her husband yet? It's like you two are using each other as an excuse to fleet the realities of your life, but without actually dealing with them in an adult, realistic manner. What you two are doing is sneaking behind your spouses' backs, having emotional affairs and day dream sillily of leaving your spouses only so that you can rush directly in to the arms of each other and "finally have your happy ending". Like it's some kind of fairy tale. I can guarantee you that, most likely, if you and her end up together in this way, you will be divorced a few years down the line. Because you will not have started your marriage on any proper and right foundation.
If you want to get a divorce from your wife, fine, do so. But don't make this decision because of this other woman. You should leave your wife if that's the right thing for YOU to do - regardless if you end up with this woman you love, or not. But if you don't really want a divorce UNLESS you can run straight over to this other woman, then stay with your wife and stop seeking contact to past crushes. Women in general, actually. Maybe if you spent your energy on your wife and helped her improve in the areas where she lacks behind instead of leaving her be - with the responsibility of raising your children! - and day dream about another woman who is the wife of another man, then you might have had a better marriage. Ever thought about that?
AsslamoAlikum
situation do not always go on as we planed, consider it Allah's will, and try to develop relationship with your wife who is now the mother of your lovely children, and with due respect my brother! your situation depicts an other angel , you didn't even try to manage your martial life because didn't forget that lady of your dreams. prioritize your relationship, if you really do love your kids above every thing, you should focus on their future and develop your relationship with their mother. Sometimes, we are responsible of not managing relationship with others. my dear brother i'm also male and also from Pakistan, and following my Phd from UMT while my wife is just primarily educated. earlier i was facing the same situation but when i tried and changed my behaviour with my wife because i really do love my kids more than every thing in the world and really concerned about their future. believe me now she is totaly a new person who loves and cares me more then every thing. i make her complete her eduction in order to bridge up the gape in between us, she did MSC Economics. Secound very important thing with due sorry, the lady who's been not loyal with his husband for 20 years, how could she have been proved sencere to you or your family. So, acceot your fault and fear Allah (swt) and start up your new life
groooooooooooooooow up bro\
May Allah swt bless every one
regards
My moms in the same position as yours and my uncle who is an amazing person and loves my mom is exactly in your position at the moment. I don't think you should divorce your wife if your children will suffer a lot due to a divorce, however if things at home for your children are bad ( due to the 2 of you fighting and if your children are already constantly disturbed due to the fighting ) then its okay for you to divorce your wife. You must be like 40 now you've lived your life. You have the responsibility of yoyr children now so make sure that you fulfill it.
Keeping in touch with this old lover of yours is extremely wrong till you're with your wife and you should know that that you are making this decision of divorce just because you keep on wondering what could have been if you got her so basically she's the reason why you want this divorce.