Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Married but someone else is in my heart

woman lady

Someone else is in her heart...

I have arranged marriage 10 months before with my husband who lived abroad for the last 12 years. We were not having much understanding before and after marriage. He went back abroad within a month of our marriage.

I wanted to make a relationship with him, coz I want to live a happy life, but he didn't consider me although he is family oriented. He never gave me that space that a wife requires. I tried to make a relationship with him but for the time being I'm far away from him.

The main reason of this question is my friend. He was a good friend of mine as we are very close to each other but before my marriage I told him that I cannot continue this friendship coz I'm getting married and I want a good relationship with my husband as I didn't know him yet. But after my marriage we were again in contact. As I was feeling alone, I shared all things with him and then I realized I am in love with him. I got so much involved in him and he felt that way too.

But I realize this all is wrong so I wanted to attach with my husband but he was like same. As I realized "hmm what kind of life are we spending?" I tried hard to stay away from my friend whom I really love still but I can't do it... He stays all the time in my heart and mind.

Now u tell me what can I do? Can I tell all this to my husband coz this will be unfair to him that I live with him but someone else is in my mind.

One other thing: My friend is Christian. He will try to change religion if I get divorced though. But I am seriously scared of all and want some solutions.

Plz help me



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9 Responses »

  1. When is your husband going to take you to live with him? Sometimes to get a spousal Visa may take very long time.

    You say " I wanted to make a relationship with him, coz I want to live a happy life, but he didn't consider me although he is family oriented. He never gave me that space that a wife requires."

    Are you saying you spent a month with your husband but did not have sex?

  2. Assalam alaikum Sister,

    Stop talking/meeting with the other man. In Islam, you are not allowed to have such relationships, as I am sure you know and realize.

    Marriage is difficult work and sometimes it is blissful. If you think that the time good times with your friend illustrate what marriage is, you are fooling yourself.

    I don't think you have given your husband enough chance and you can't assume that he will just know how much space to give to you without your input and communication.

    I would suggest that you forget about this other man, make tawba to Allah swt and never repeat these errors. shaitaan is trying very hard to break your relationship with your husband and putting excuses in your mind, but from what you have written, there isn't much evidence that there is anything wrong in your marriage. What may be lacking is faithfulness from you--put forth a greater effort in your relationship and rely on the remembrance of Allah swt to avoid being preoccupied with anyone other than your husband.

    May Allah guide our Ummah, Ameen.

    • Sister,

      You all say that shaytan is trying to make things hard. The problem here is, that the husband works abroad and nearly 80 percent of these stories, the wife cheats on her husband in a difficult way. Because there's no one who satisfies her need (sexdrive and emotional needs), Shaytan has a easy game and he was successful.

      She asked, if this fair, that she had somebody else in her heart? No

      I think, that people aren't made for these abroad working stories. They will fail.

      I am sorry for this story sister, but you must think about, if your husband and you will be lucky, if you stay together in this abroad relationship.

      But the point is :Even you have plenty reasons for doing this, you don't have the justification for it. Emotional cheating can be much worse, because someday this story will get out.
      And I am sure, that this relationship of your friend will end very bad.

      So you must take a decision : Do you want to be honest? To you and your husband?

      Sister Saba, I think, that you would be angry too, If your future husband is a emotional affair.

      • You wrote:

        "Sister Saba, I think, that you would be angry too, If your future husband is a emotional affair."

        I read your statement as: "The sky is blue." or "Apples are fruit." Yes, so what, none of these are news flashes.

        Kindly refrain from personal comments.

  3. Everybody understand this reverting to Islam because of love with someone is not such a practicing way after marriage, but Allah may accept it instead of welcome to Islam for the one and only Allah and his messenger Mohammed 'salalahu alaihi vasallam'

    For sister zer: You are not supposed to communicate like this to any person since you are married, i understand that you are speaking to this guy because of you feel alone here and i am sure this is kind of cheating to your hubby

    Better you discontinue this and remove that guy from your heart right now and talk to that gentleman who left you here after marriage about this matter partially but not a full story, then he will be scared for losing you and i hope he may take necessary action to get visa for you and then you can live happy life with your husband by following sunnat-e-rasool 'salalahu alaihi vasallam'

  4. Assalaamualaikam

    Marriage can be difficult when there are miles between you both physically and emotionally. Remember, though, that you chose to marry this man - that means that at some time, you saw in him qualities that you admired and felt would make him the right man for you. When we're feeling bitter or hurt, it's easy for us to focus on the negative aspects, but try to make a conscious effort to remember the positive attributes that led you to marry him. Whenever a critical thought of your husband enters your mind, why not counter it by thinking of a good quality - not to diminish or erase the criticism, but to balance your view, so that you start to see him as a human being rather than all-good or all-bad.

    It can take time to get to know each other after marriage, and a month isn't really enough time to build a solid foundation for a long distance relationship - why not at least try to arrange a trip for you and your husband to come to stay with each other even for a few weeks (not necessarily at either of your homes - you could pick a destination you and he both want to visit, and start building new memories together)? That way you can get to know each other in person rather than just from a distance.

    If visa issues are keeping you apart for now, you could take several trips away together until things are organised - to keep the bond between you developing.

    Your mother may also be able to help with advice about building a relationship with your husband, as she'll have experience of being newly married, and will inshaAllah want the best for you.

    Regarding your friend, I wonder if on some level you may be transferring your positive affections towards him because of how you feel in your relationship with your husband? Before you married, you didn't feel this intensity of attraction to your friend, and were in fact willing to end your friendship in order to prioritise your marriage. Quite often, when people feel rejected or that a relationship isn't going well, they can end up displacing either all their affections or all their frustrations onto another person (or object - eg. a punching bag) - it can be an unconscious way of simplifying a situation to make it more manageable. However, it's often not particularly helpful in the longer term.

    My advice about your relationship with your friend would be to stop having private communications with him, and try to put space between you both - if you want to work on your marriage, you need to be focused on that rather than having two relationships worrying you. If your friend is a decent man, he should respect that you are married to another man and not push these interactions further; a core principle of Christianity is "do unto others as you would have done unto you" - I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want another man jeopardising his marriage, so he shouldn't do that to your husband.

    May Allah guide you and your husband closer together and help you both build a lasting relationship. Remember to repent for your own transgressions, and ensure your interactions with men are Islamically appropriate from now on.

    Midnightmoon editor

  5. Would you want that your husband has a emotional affair? Probably not.

  6. Read carefully,
    Stop thinking now about the other man. Whatever is your current situation with your husband right now is legal. You have done Nikkah. If your husband is not interested in you then you should try to provoke his desires then. Because you are failing that part then. Yes! you are. Your desires should go in the direction of your husband no matter how hard you have tried to convince him for starting a happy new life. If your husband don't care for you anymore try harder but wisely. Otherwise he might think that you are in a relationship with someone else.

    The other man is a Christian. That does not matter at all. Even if he was a Muslim it does not matter. Because in Islam it is illegal. Stop all your communication with the other man right now. Otherwise you will be a sinner in the Eyes of Allaah (Subhanahu_wa_ta'ala).

    Allaah Knows the Best!

  7. this is infatuation. sister haram to see the Christian man. don't think about divorce. Even this Christian chap changed his religion and married you he will divorce you as soon as he got bored with you.

    got my point.

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