I am a married Christian woman and dating a Muslim
Hi,
I really need some advice. I've been in a relationship with a Muslim man for nearly 2 years. I am Christian but I don't have faith or really believe, this is because I have many bad things happen to me in my life so I questioned my faith a long time ago.
I am also married and have 2 white non Muslim kids (age 4&6). My husband and I have not gotten along for a long time. When I met my Muslim partner it started as a friendship. He was part of an arranged marriage at the time which wasn't working out. That arranged marriage has now ended and she has left him taking their small child with her. She left stating he was beating and mistreating her.
I've seen a nasty side to him towards me when I wouldn't do something he wanted me to, but I stood up to him and he's not done it again.
Our friendship soon turned to more and we are very in love, from what he has told me his family won't accept me because (I'm broken) I already have children etc, he told me that they might if I convert?
However he still lives at home with his mom dad brothers and their wives etc, and I think I would be expected to live there too? However the house is very small and my children would be expected to share our room? That is not acceptable to me, I have met his family a few times but they think we are just friends. They like me but that is because they do not know the truth.
I don't know what to do as I really want to be with him and he wants to be with me but he can't won't tell anyone about us. I'm so confused as I'm willing to change a lot of things for him but he isn't willing to change a tiny bit.
Although I really do love him I have many fears for the future. Will his family accept me? Will he change when I live with him based on what his first wife has said (his brother also treats his wife badly)?
I'm living 2 lives at the minute which is very hard and something has to give because I can't do it much longer. I don't know what to do for the best.
Thanks
- lostgirl
3 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious the Most Merciful
Allah, in His great wisdom has given us guidelines for relationships, these guidelines serve to give human relations longevity and maintain bliss and happiness therein with the blessings of Allah.
For a conjugal relation to be valid, it must proceed in accordance with the Divine Wisdom and Guidance. If you wish for your relationship to proceed or to have a happy future, you will need to do the following:
1 - explore the teachings of Islam objectively and determine whether you are able to embrace the religion, if you can become a Muslim that would be great.
2 - minimise contact with him until there is an Islamic marriage. As you don't believe in Christianity, he can only marry you if you become a Muslim and you can only do so if you genuinely believe that Islam is from God.
3 - after becoming a Muslim and prior to marriage, make sure that he is open about you with his parents. From the Islamic perspective, there is no shame at all in marrying a divorcee or a widow. In fact our great prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings upon him married a woman who was twice widowed. After her death, he also married widows and divorcees. He, peace and blessings upon him is our role model, so your friend or his family would have to accept that reality if they genuinely adhere to Islam.
4 - You are not his brother's wife, you have seen from personal experience that if you stand up to him, he will respect you. it is within your power to maintain that line that you will not allow him to cross. But make sure that the boundary is consistent with the Will of God and the Islamic teachings.
May Allah guide you to that which is best.
Onwi
Hello Lostgirl,
As you know, no one can make decisions for you but I will try to make sense of this and help you decide for yourself.
Before you can even consider being with this man you have to resolve the problems in your own home. It sounds to me that you are still married. If your husband finds out about this affair you are having don't you think that your problems will now be compounded. What will happen to your children?
If you are not happy in your home you can either seek counseling together or if you feel you just can't go on in this marriage then at least seek a separation. Please take care of this first before you can think about getting involved in another relationship.
Let's talk about the man you feel you love. Why would you want to be with a man who comes with so much baggage? His wife stated that she left him because he beat her. That is domestic violence. You even said he tried getting nasty with you but you stood up to him. Do you really think that he will never do that again? Why do you want someone who has already shown that he can be very nasty and physical. If you say that his brother treats his wife in a bad way then that tells me that there is a pattern in the family. If you were to marry this man and he started abusing you do you think that his family would tell him he is wrong? The answer is no because they are doing the same to their own wives. It's possible that the father has also done it to the mother.
So Lostgirl, ask yourself this question, by being in this relationship with this man, are you going from the frying pan into the fire with this guy. Just look at the living conditions that you would be in. That alone should help you make a wise decision.
Abdul Wali
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
A awesome reply, i really hope this helps Lostgirl, or Atleast lets her see things from another perspective.
x