Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He married other woman, divorced and now wants to marry me

marriage islam nikah purpose of

The Messenger of Allah (saw) said: "A man marries a woman for four reasons: for her property, for her rank, for her beauty, and for her religion (and character). So marry the one who is best in the religion and character and prosper". (Bukhari & Muslim)

Asalamu 3alaikum,

I've known a guy for two years now we are friends from college.We have talked about marriage for sometime but he couldn't get his parents to accept me (we are both Arabs but from different cultures). He had come back from overseas, lately we were not really on good terms when he had left and avoided each other for two months but just before he left he promised me he was coming back for me and we were ok.

During his time, there I hardly spoke to him because of time differences and I felt like he was avoiding me for a while. Anyway, I had found some documents online suggesting that he was getting married and when I confronted him about it he denied it and said that I'd speak to his mum the following day, obviously that did not happen.

He came back and we became real close again and everything was going good when he dropped the bombshell that he did in fact get married, but had left the house one day after his wedding. Apparently he was forced and the only way he could get his parents to accept me was to accept the girl they chose for him. Apparently in his culture you cannot see or speak to the girl until the actual wedding.

As his story told he slept on the couch on the wedding night argued with the girl telling her to stay in her room in which she replied I'm not your slave and he told her that he doesn't want her, his parents ruined his life. He said he went on a hunger strike begging his parents to let him leave her saying they have nothing in common and the girl I wanted to marry you didn't accept.

The parents finally gave in but told him not to divorce her until he has left the country cause it would cause major chaos between the families. I spoke to him most of the time when the apparent wedding occurred. Anyway when he tells me this story he also says that he hasn't divorced her yet waiting for his parents. I stopped speaking to him but he next two days he divorced her three times over the phone n this was confirmed as I heard the conversation between him and his mother as he tells her that he feels relaxed now that he has divorced her three times. His brother also confirmed this to me through a coincidental meeting in which he tells me he was just married on papers and he told her straight to her face that he doesn't want her. His parents have accepted me now and he wants to come and ask for my hand but apart of me cannot deal with the fact that he got married, his story does not make sense to me maybe because it isn't common in my culture and I kind of feel guilty for the girl why did she have to suffer??

I don't know how to deal with this but I do love him I just don't know if I can accept what's happened please help. Also recently my mother had a dream that she was helping me dress into my wedding dress does anyone have an Islamic interpretation for this.

Thank you in advance.
WaSalamu 3alaikum wa ra7met Allahu wa barakato


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6 Responses »

  1. Assalaamu alaykum,


    Well !!! This is what I feel. How many lives are disturbed and days and nights of ibadah are ruined due to these cultures. How after being a Muslim, claiming to have submitted to Allah could people submit to none but what their forefathers did?

    How after coming to faith they turn away in to the times of Ignorance?

    Sister, culture has nothing to do with religion. When Allah & His Messenger have decided on an affair, we have no right to use our brains and replace the ways of Islam with ways of culture.

    Culture, as far as my personal experience goes has ruined young hearts and disturbed many lives. Why have parents made marriage so difficult for children? Why children among Muslim families find it hard to approach parents to let them know their choice of spouse?

    It is only and only because of culture. The parents may be outwardly practicing Islam but they fail to understand Islam. They fail to understand basic human rights. They fail to understand that for Allah it does not matter whether you are Arab or Afghan or Iranian or Lebanese.

    How many times they read Qur'an and see "Children of Adam" ?
    How can we forget we are a part of a large family. Every human being is related to the other by these ties and every Muslim is related to another by the ties of Islam and Allah has made us different so that we may see His signs. - One is believer - one disbeliever. One is black - one is white. One speaks Arabic - One speaks English. And many differences among us to show to us His signs, His variety in creation and how He maintains His creation in Truth and Justice.

    I believe every Muslim parents should be made to read the below verses and be asked, does Allah ask us to show love to culture? Or does He command us to submit to the Deen of Islam? Answer us if you are truthful.

    11. O ye who believe! Let not a folk deride a folk who may be better than they (are), nor let women (deride) women who may be better than they are; neither defame one another, nor insult one another by nicknames. Bad is the name of lewdness after faith. And whoso turneth not in repentance, such are evil doers.
    12. O ye who believe! Shun much suspicion; for lo! some suspicion is a crime. And spy not, neither backbite one another. Would one of you love to eat the flesh of his dead brother? Ye abhor that (so abhor the other)! And keep your duty (to Allah). Lo! Allah is Relenting, Merciful.
    13. O mankind! Lo! We have created you male and female, and have made `you nations and tribes that ye may know one another. Lo! the noblest of you, in the sight of Allah, is the best in conduct. Lo! Allah is Knower, Aware.
    - Surah Hujurat.

    Those who make it hard for others to obey the Deen of Allah and debar from His path - the Straight Path which he has shown, will be asked about their conduct on the Day of Judgment, Allah willing.

    Read the Qur'an and make them read the Qur'an:

    46. And obey Allah and His messenger, and dispute not one with another lest ye falter and your strength depart from you; but be steadfast! Lo! Allah is with the steadfast.
    47. Be not as those who came forth from their dwellings boastfully and to be seen of men, and debar (men) from the way of Allah, while Allah is surrounding all they do.
    - Surah Hujurat.

    Wake up sisters and brothers !!! Cause a revolution. Break barriers of cultures, let the Deen of Allah prevail your lives and no age old customs and traditions in the name of cultures make you stray away from what Allah has taught you.

    Read the Qur'an to them and if they still deny and you feel their choice will cause nothing but ruin to your dunya and to aakhirah, then do not obey them.

    21. Or have they partners (of Allah) who have made lawful for them in religion that which Allah allowed not? And but for a decisive word (gone forth already), it would have been judged between them. Lo! for wrong doers is a painful doom. - Surah Ash Shura.

    It is absolutely lawful for Muslims to choose whom they marry and not be forced in to marriage due to cultural concerns.

    14. And We have enjoined upon man concerning his parents. His mother beareth him in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Give thanks unto Me and unto thy parents. Unto Me is the journeying.
    15. But if they strive with thee to make thee ascribe unto Me as partner that of which thou hast no knowledge, then obey them not. Consort with them in the world kindly, and follow the path of him who repenteth unto Me. Then unto Me will be your return, and I shall tell you what ye used to do.
    - Surah Luqman.

    Regarding this guy, each one has his set of circumstances and we cannot see he should have done this or that. But for sure, if he intended to marry "only you" than he should have taken a stand - " My dear parents, I wish to marry this girl. if you bless me now, I will be happy, if you do not, I will wait for her until you bless me".

    But he chose something and is now posing different pictures. So beware. Fear Allah and let him also fear Allah before doing anything.

    Culture is a huge problem and any oppression does not last long. It results in revolt and Insha Allah this generation of ours will bring a revolution which will be peace giving for ourselves and for the whole world at large. Ameen.

    May Allah accept our du'as and guide us and our parents to His Path.

  2. Salam nadia. . . Actually what his parent did in d begining was wrong 2 bits.. They should'nt have force him 2 marry a girl he does'nt love (and vice vasa) . . . And if u look at d overview of d families practising this form of marriage, most of couples are always in constant trouble coz they don't have d chance 2 understand and love each other b4 d marriage. . However what i deduced from ur post is dat u are really in good terms with dis man. .what i will advice u is not 2 panic. Go ahead and accept d proposal. . . May Almighty Allah grant u happiness and make ur stay comfortable as u get married . . . Mohd

  3. Assalaamu alaykum,

    As far as interpretation of dream is concerned, only Allah alone knows which dreams are from Him as a direct message and what is their interpretation.

    Anyone who claims interpreting your dreams would rely on the "circumstances" affecting your mind and give you some interpretation. It would be a mere guesswork. Not a surety. And Allah loves those who are sure and whose faith is sure.

    I have had many dreams at times when I could see myself with people, but they were dreams from Shaitaan and nothing of that sort happened. We all have different dreams and the "good, true and pure" dreams come from Allah at times.

    Like Alhamdulillaah, some years back, I saw myself crying when entering Masjid Al Haram looking at the Kaaba and then doing sujood in the "mataaf - or area of tawaaf", just a month back that dream came true which I saw almost six years back.

    Similarly, around the same time, I saw in dream how a neighbour of ours who had been married for a few years but not having any child, I saw in my dream he had a baby in his hand at an ice cream shop. I told my mom about this, she said, yes, his mother met me and told me they are not having a baby since long time. In a few days times, his wife was pregnant and they did the baby shower for her.

    I also had dreams of hydraulic cars which do not require to take a u - turn to turn but can turn in their own place in narrow streets, next day in the paper I saw photos of such cars.

    I had a dream of an unknown man's body lying near our house in the market, next day in the paper I read the same news.

    I had dreams of beautiful train stations with flowers and calm places, a couple of years later I went to Austria and saw the sights which I saw in my dream.

    There are a few other dreams which I saw and I hope if they are from Allah, they will come true at the right time.

    So the point here is, dreams may come from Allah as per our strength of iimaan and Allah alone would make it manifest at the right time into a reality as He wills.

    But looking at some signs and searching for interpretation would lead to more of guesswork than surety.

    So have strong iimaan, keep faith in Allah, pray, fast, give alms to the poor, be kind to all and allow yourself tp be equipped with knowledge of the Deen, especially the Qur'an and it's interpretation (based on your own deep pondering upon the verses and not upon readily readable tafsiirs, of course you can do that later, but first try and develop your own thought process, as this is what Allah wants mankind to do).

    Surah Saad: 29. (This is) a Scripture that We have revealed unto thee, full of blessing, that they may ponder its revelations, and that men of understanding may reflect.

    Keep constant reading and spreading of the Qur'an and seek Allah's help. Surely He is our Helper.

    Take any decision, but be not unjust to anyone, I repeat, follow not desires, lest they lead you to error.

    Surah Saad: 26. (And it was said unto him): O David! Lo! We have set thee as a viceroy in the earth; therefor judge aright between mankind, and follow not desire that it beguile thee from the way of Allah. Lo! those who wander from the way of Allah have an awful doom, forasmuch as they forgot the Day of Reckoning.

    Take up the Qur'an, answers to all of your life's questions lie in it, it is waiting for you. Allah's Word would be of much help to you than our advices.

  4. Is love marriage really haram? Lots of muslim say it is haram to fall in love with your husband or wife before your marriage. But isn't it a fact that Allah gave us feelings to fell love, hatred, etc? Didnt Allah give us aesthetic sense. Developing a special feeling for the opposite sex even during the teenage stage is undeniable, but this feeling is something no one ever forces himself or herself to just comes. Why were we made to feel this feeling if it is haram

    • Salaam Sister Sofia,

      Anything lad leads a person to fall in desires and passion causes him / her to go astray from the Path of Allah. This is not my personal opinion, this is what Allah states in the Qur'an.

      Therefore, liking someone before marriage is not wrong. I may like many things and many people around me and may be have more liking for someone of the opposite gender, but the moment that liking becomes my desire, chances are I may go tremendously astray. This is proven time and again by couples world wide since centuries.

      So if you like someone, a marriage proposal should be initiated from either side. Families should take a decision in good vein and marriage should take place and then the couple may love each other as they like.

      But without the bond of marriage, likings have turned in to love and lust and has lead to feelings which have lead people far away from the way of Allah and commit sins.

      So to be safe, marry someone you like and love someone you marry.

      Allah knows best - the before and the after.

      Don't worry. Leave that to Allah. He takes care of all things.


      * * *

  5. Make sure he is sincere and genuine in wanting to marry you. His parents seemed to let him off easy compared to most. But this thing is not uncommon.

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