Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am in love with a married man and my feelings are torn; don’t know what to do?

In Love

Asalam alaikoum brothers and sisters

I would appreciate some advice and prayers. Four years ago a man came to work in my department. He is a good muslim, husband and father alhamdilullah. At first there was no problem and despite working together I kept my gaze lowered, dressed modestly and did not engage in any conversation other than work. However, it was quite difficult to stick to these rules. We are both doctors and have to work closely together. In addition, he is very charismatic, popular and excellent at his job. However, I remained true to my values and tried my best for the relationship to remain professional. I noticed that some months later, he was trying to share little jokes with me and asking how my weekend had been etc. It was difficult not to answer and my manager also told me that he thought I was being cold and aloof.

Things became strained between my colleague and I, until one day, we found ourselves alone in the office and he admitted that he was in love with me. I was horrified. I left the room and wished I never had to return. I went to work the next day feeling sick and made sure I was not alone with him. He sent me sms messages telling me how hurt he had been by my reaction. I confronted him and I admit that I became terribly distressed and he tried to comfort me. The situation became impossible after that, as I think it must have been obvious to him that I feel the same way about him, although I would never say.

I took some leave and am now on long term sick with depression. I am looking for another job but it will be hard for me with my sickness record. The problem is that no matter how I try, I cannot forget this man. He continues to attempt to contact me and recently messaged me through my facebook account which I have now closed. I read qu'ran and hadith, make du'aa but nothing seems to help. I feel I am cursed. Please help me






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31 Responses »

  1. Dear Sister, Walaykumsalaam,

    One of the fitnahs of the modern world we live in is exactly this: working in mixed gender environments and Allah(swt) has warned us against free mixing for a reason - to prevent such feelings from arising that may lead to fitnah. You are not cursed, you are just being a tested with something that is so widespread. It is not wrong for you to have such 'feelings', but it would be wrong for you to make them into physical actions in a haraam manner. Since you are fighting against your nafs, you seem to me to be a striving and God fearing sister maashaAllah and I would hope that other sisters faced with this situation would react in the same manner.

    This man whom you are in love with is on the other hand doing wrong. He is pursuing you knowing that he is a married man - I am sure his wife would not be happy to know what he is doing while at work. So be steadfast in keeping away from him - his actions are completely wrong and he needs to go back to his wife and children. His presence in your life is like that of shaytaan luring you to things that seem attractive. I am quite sure that once the 'lustful' veil has been lifted from your eyes - and in a way it is 'lust' - you will begin to see him in a different light and it will not be such an attractive one.


    I believe that your being away from work is the best thing for you - and see your 'sick leave due to depression' as a blessing in disguise. And Allah knows best. That you are looking for another job is a very wise thing Alhumdulillah. And that you have closed your facebook account is also a good thing. If this man has your phone number, I would advise you to change your number aswell. Along with all this, I strongly advise you to occupy yourself as an idle mind will just wander back to bad thoughts again. Alhumdulillah you are praying Quran and Salaah but at the same time keep the company of good friends and family, attend Islamic circles aswell inshaAllah.

    Your 'fight' against your nafs is one of the most difficult things to fight, it is your personal jihaad and you are sacrificing for the sake of Allah(swt), may Allah reward you for it.

    “Repel the thought, for if you don’t, it becomes an idea. So repel the idea; for if you don’t it will become a desire. So fight against that (desire), for if you don’t, it will become a determination and a passion. And if you don’t repel that, it will become an action. And if you don’t replace it with its opposite, it will become a constant habit. So at that point, it will be difficult for you to change it.” Ibn Qayyim al-Jawziyyah

    And I pray this will inshaAllah encourage you to stay strong in your Islamic indentity and principles:

    Allah(swt) says in Surah Shura, Ayahs 36-37:

    "Whatever ye are given (here) is (but) a convenience of this life: but that which is with Allah is better and more lasting: (it is) for those who believe and put their trust in their Lord: Those who avoid the greater crimes and shameful deeds..." Shameful deeds meaning: things such as Fahishah: Illegal sexual intercourse.

    My dear sister, keep striving on the path that you have chosen. You are not alone, Allah(swt) is closer to you than your jugular vein, He(swt) knows your pain and your struggle - this will not go to waste. Keep patiently perservering and soon your fight will become less of a fight as it will inshaAllah be replaced with the sweetness of eemaan.

    SisterZ Editor

    • Just one more thing: You did not mention 'polygamy' in your post, however I just noticed you selected it as a catergory when submitting your post.

      If you have considered marrying this man, have you also considered the emotional difficulties attached to this - not just for yourself, but for his first wife and children? The fact that this man has pursued you in an unislamic manner and I am very sure without consulting his wife, may also be an indication and reflection of his lack of Islamic principles. He appears to be willing to either have an illegal affair with you making you his mistress, or he is willing to marry you possibly at the expense of his first marriage or atleast happiness of his first wife. If he's not a highly pious, God fearing, good natured, striving Muslim - its really not worth it.

      Just a few things for you to ponder over.

      SisterZ Editor

      • If he doesn't tell his wife, that's not haraam is it?

        I don't think many modern Muslims (due the brainwashing entertainment and media) are capable of being involved in a ploygamous marriage. In fact depending on where she is, if she's in the west, most countries won't legally allow polygymous marriages, I don't know what the punishment is, but apparently it can be quite severe.

        Thsi woman is doing the right thing by trying to forget this man. You'll find a job in time, you just got to make sure that it's one where there isn't likely to be contact with males.

        I am so glad I work where I work, there are only 3 women out of an office of 200. They are very old and do some filing etc. What it means is, that I can go through an entire day without any evil thoughts. When I worked in another office 2 years ago, there were only 3 guys out of 20 and most of these females were around my age or younger and very attractive, it was extremely difficult to stop evil thoughts. So I had to leave.

        Try to find a job and this applies to both men and women, without mixed environments. Job like nursery teachers and working in an all female environment, are good for you sister, there can be no temptation.

        I wish you all the best.

        • John,

          It may not be haraam for this man to take another wife, and it may not be haraam for him not to seek her permission, but what can be haraam is the wrong process employed in finding another wife. Polygamy in this era is not the norm and so to expect a first wife to just accept it without any discussion or consultation by her husband is completely unfair.

          I dont see the 'good' in a man taking another wife, if he does not even respect the first wife enought to consider her feelings or understand her through the society she has been brought up in. Having said that, we do not know what the intentions of this man are. From what the sister has said, it seems that he has nothing in mind but an 'office fling'. And I doubt that he had '2nd wife in mind' and then went looking for a woman to fit the bill. Perhaps more like: 'wife at home, another life at work, beautiful and intelligent female colleague, can't keep my eyes off her, lust takes over'. It did not take him long to confess his feelings to this single sister and in doing so has given her deep distress. He is giving into his feelings of 'lust', he needs to go to his wife and re-kindle the lost spark there.

          And Allah knows best.


    • The sister is in a difficult situation but you have given her some good advice. Alhamdulillah.

      Wael Editor

  2. Salam sister, i must say dat i admire ur courage nd sincerity on dis issue. Allah SWT is testing ur faith nd i pray dat u pass d test. I also pray dat u succeed in ur quest 2 put shaytan to shame. Carry on dear sister,its ur jihad! May Allah bless u!

  3. Thank you for your kind words. Alhamdillulah there are some wonderful people in the world who are prepared to be non-judgmental and supportive. I am certainly not considering marrying him, I did not tag this post with anything so I don't know it got on here. I live in UK but am originally from Lebanon as is the man in question and I am aware that men take other 'wives' here but it is not legal or permitted under Islam. The main difficulty is that I am doing my best to forget but he is unwilling to allow me. I don't feel cursed exactly, but his pursuing me is a strain. Sometimes I feel like I should just move away, but I own my house, my family, friends and life is why should I? I take refuge in prayer and hope that I can get back to my normal, peaceful life insha'allah.

    Many thanks for your kindness once again.



    • Laila, what form does his pursuit take? If it's through phone, then change your number. You have already closed your Facebook account. And presumably he does not know your address, right?

      If he does know your address, and you want him to stay away, you can file a restraining order.

      Wael Editor

    • Dear Laila,

      I can imagine that this situation is very difficult for you because despite having feelings for this man, you have to push him away.

      But Wael has made some good suggestions, i.e. change your phone number and all contact details. There may be an even more simple way of dealing with him though and that is by telling him strictly and assertively to leave you alone - with no crying or pleading involved from your side. If you cry and plead, it will just confirm your feelings for him even more. If he is in anyway decent, he will back off. If he knows your address and still tries to contact you despite your warning, then take out a restraining order.

      You have Alhumdulillah been strong so far. Keep persevering in your struggle Sister. Its a fight of your AQL against your NAFS, wisdom against desires.

      SisterZ Editor

  4. Dear sister, i think
    of u as a decent nd principled lady who is ready 2 fight immorality nd uphold d status of her religion even if it meant denying herself d comfort of dis temporary lyf. Insha Allah,i c u succeeding,may Allah assist u in kiping dat man away frm u. I was tinking, u said he's married right? Hw about involving his wife in this? Mayb u cud hav a chart wit ha about d way ha husband kips stalking u,if he has any decency left in him,mayb he would feel sme sense of shame and if he doesnt den i tink u shd head straight 2 court! All d best nd Allah's protection.

    • Jameelah,

      Its an extremely bad idea for the sister to inform this man's wife of his behaviour. That could potentially break a marriage.

      All the sister needs to do is continue staying away from the man in question.

      SisterZ Editor

  5. He has called me, he texts me, he e-mails me. I was also undertaking some research at the medical school and my supervisor is a close colleague of his. My supervisor spoke to me because the man in question had told him he was concerned for my mental health because I would not speak to him. It seems every way I turn he is there! He knows where I live but so far he has not turned up that I am aware of. In his messages he asks me to listen to what he has to say but I feel it's wrong. Part of me wants to have a discussion with him about how badly he is behaving, I want to remind him of deen over dunya but I really don't want to enter into any dialogue with him. Giving him a forum to say what he wants seems more like encouragement to me, and however I might feel personally....the truth of the matter is that it's wrong.

    As for involving his wife, I feel badly for her but nothing is going to happen so I feel this would hurt her for no reason. Better that he sees his error, makes tawbah and stops this behaviour. I can''t speculate as to the state of their marriage and it would be sinful to do so.

    From my part, I just want to forget about him and go back to how things were before he arrived in my department.

    Everyone of you has been so kind, and your words have helped to strengthen my resolve and made me feel very supported.

    Shukran kteeer


    • Dear Laila, Asalaamualaykum,

      Although you are fighting against your feelings, part of you is understandably still very vulnerable.

      So I will advise you to protect yourself emotionally and spiritually. At the same time, I also think that this man will not stop until he gets a reaction from you. Have you not considered changing yourphone number? Or atleast give him a very short sharp warning to stop contacting you?

      His behaviour is bordering on harassment.

      SisterZ Editor

    • Dear Layla, Asalaamualaykum,

      If you feel that you are being harassed, I suggest that you firmly tell him via email or whatever that you won't tolerate this anymore, and should he continue with the harassment, you speak to your superiors at work. Why should you be the one who has to find another job? If that fails, then I guess that finding another post is advisable, whether in the same hospital (or whatever kind of institution you work at) or a different one.

      Allah knows best, In my prayers,

  6. Salam,am sori if dat was a bad idea, i wil include u in my prayers. Prayer is d sword of the believers nd it can move mountains no mata hw high. Take care!

  7. Why are you the one looking for another job? He was in the wrong, trying to cheat on his wife, not you. I suggest you have a talk with him and put him in his proper place. Tell him to find another job.

  8. Asalaamu alaykium sister

    This man's actions is a Joke.

    You fear Allah. He does not. in what way, does that make you compatible?

    whatever you want from this man, vice versa, it will not work.

  9. texting, emailing????sister, this man seems to be cheating on his first wife, thats why he is not worth it.

    if he was a true man, and he came to you and asked you to marry him [he does not need to consult his first wife], then he would be worth it.

    but he is dishonest.

  10. Asalam alaikoum brothers and sisters

    You have all been extremely thoughtful in replying to me. It seems I had a brief interlude during Ramadan but after Eid, he has started attempting to contact me again. I now have to change my mobile number. I feel so tired and am actually at the point of speaking to my superiors at work. I don't really want to get him into trouble because he's very gifted at what he does and I don't want anyone to get hurt, but I don't feel he's leaving me much choice. Ana hazeeen kteeer :((

    Many thanks again for all your trouble


    • Mashallah sister your in a very difficult situation and your dealing with the situation in a sensible way. You deserve some one better this guy doesn't sound very pious if he was he wouldn't have flirted with you. I hope you find a perfect single Muslim who will love you and respect you. If he was a nice guy he would of thought about his wife before confessing his feelings to you. I pray that you find the a good single Muslim man who will love you and care for you.

  11. Stop playing nice. Before the restraining order, do you have a male relative, ie a brother, that could go 'talk' to him? As in remind him of what he might face, physically from your brothers, if he doesn't stop.

  12. Salam
    Run and don't look back!I don't see a future for you in this chaotic situation. You deserve more than that. If he is coming at you in this non islamic manner, he will more than likely do it again.

  13. Pls i have one question,, have you notice something bad about this man??? do you think he's trying to make you his mistress or a girlfriend??? From your experience with him, do you think he's such a bad and immoral man?? Or is he kind, conservative and religious?? It might be that he has a good intention of taking you as a second wife, maybe he saw something good about you (i mean you morality & and ur close to the deen) and he think you might be a good match for him... Islamically, he does not need his 1st wife permission before he can have you as his wife, but it is recomended he let her know of his relationship with you... My advice is send one of you male relative to him and ask him what exactly does he want from you.. Or you can speak to him one on one,, if his intention is geniune and you feel you like him, then tell his to go through the right channel (ie through your father or guadian) and seek you hands properly.. Well this is my own opinion and you can give it a try, there might be positive outcome.

    • no one in her right mind would want to share her husband I understand that its halal for a man to marry a second time but what she is doing is smart she deserves someone better not him because she mentioned that he was kind of flirting with her if he was a good man he wouldn't of approached her they he did. the sister deserves a better single man not him.

    • look at it from a first wife's perspective she gave him children loved him cared for him now think about how she would feel if you were in that position!

  14. @miah you said ''no woman in her RIGHT MIND would want to shear her husband'' .. Do you think all women are LIKE YOU or as cold AS YOU?? You are just speaking for yourself, dont make it general for ALL WOMEN. Because some of the women understand and obey the koranic verse IT IS NOT FOR A BELIEVER TO REJECT OR OPPOSE WHAT ALLAH AND HIS MASSANGER HAS ORDAINED.. Because there are still women who understand the logic behind polygamy and the reasons why Allah has made it halal.. Because there are resonable women who know and understand that polygamy is FOR THE BENEFIT OF WOMEN, not men because it is a sort of burden for men (i mean the family responsibilities, time devoution and justice among the wives etc).. Look around you girl, and see the number of unmarried sisters in the society, many of the sisters are in there 30s or 40s and have never married in there life, and there honest excuse is they haven't receive any proporsal from a good muslim brother.. Look at the number of divorcees and widows in the society., do you expect them to remain single throughout there life?? You know, statistically, the population of female in the world far outnumber that of male population, that's why good, responsible and marriageable muslim men are not much... For those women that find it difficult to control there desires, they only have two options., its either she is legally married to a man and satisfy her desires with him, or she become a mistress to someone or a whore so that she can satisfy her desires... So you can now see the logic behind polygamy and the reasons why Allah made it halal.. Any woman that cannot control her jealousy and try to threaten or stop her husband from having a second wife is not wort a good wife, she's heartless, wicked and doesnt want for her sisters what she wants for her self... You cannot imagine how terrible and horrible these women would be when they loose there husbands (either by death or divorce) and find it difficult to get another., i guess this same women would not reject to be a second or forth wife if they see such proporsal because they know they are as much wife as the first wife and they have equal right in the sight of Allah and the husband.. only then would they know the importance and advantage of polygamy And thank Allah for making it halal

    • how dare you call me cold you don't even know me personally so don't judge me I completely understand why polygamy is permitted in Islam but what i dislike people like you who use it as an excuse for any situation Allah has allowed polygamy to accommodate certain situations such as war, if a women is barren. However today many men misuse polygamy and do not practice it correctly.

      If we look at the sisters situation Consider the way the man has approached her is utterly unIslamic because in Islam a man must ask the women's wali for premssion to marry her otherwise he cannot marry her. the sister also mentioned on her post that he was flirting with her which was also wrong which doesn't exactly suggests that he is a good guy with good intentions if he feared Allah he wouldn't of approached her in such a way. The sister is doing the right thing and leaving the work place. she is single and deserves a good single man inshallah.

      Furthermore If a women refuses to be part of a polygamous marriage it does not make her wicked or heartless. if you had any respect for women you would not speak about women in that manner and it does not make a women selfish if she refuses to be part of a polygamous marriage it is her choice nobody can force a women to be part of a polygamous marriage.

      Also the male and female population is 50/50 the reason why the male population is slightly lower is because men have a lower life expectancy it means that they are not as strong as women as they can't fight off diseases.

      I don't know any women who are in their 30 and 40s that are unmarried but I do not know two people who were very close to my family who got married in their late 30s and still managed to find husbands and also believe it or not i know 4 women in my family who remarried after getting divorced and found husbands. your talking as if this were in a warzone.

      lastly polygamy is allowed in Islam but it is not recommended
      .I understand the logic behind polygamy but you don't seem to quiet understand it .when the verse was revealed it was during the battle of uhud and their were many orphans and widows ALLAH permitted a man to marry those widows and adopt their children that to even that time it was on condition.

    • Also the male and female population is 50/50 the reason why the male population is slightly lower is because men have a lower life expectancy it means that they are not as strong as women as they can't fight off diseases but the male and female is pretty even in most countries its only in countries were their has been war for a long period of time.

      • ''...then marry women of your choice, two or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then (marry) only one..'' suratual nisa verse 3.,, the only condition Allah gave concerning polygamy is IF THE MAN CAN DO JUSTICE BETWEEN THE WIVES, then if he cant, he better dont go for polygamy... There is no single evidence in the kitab wassunnah (ie koran or hadith) where it point out that polygamy is ONLY permitted when there is war and hence shortage of men, and if there is any, i would like you to point it out and correct me!.. And again you said 'i dont know any woman who are in there 30s & 40s that are ummaried..', then i can only conclude that you dont really know what is going on in the world (specially in the western and other civilized countries).. You are only farmiliar with what is happening within your locality, friends and your families.. And am sure you leave in one of the eastern muslim countries (which are some how conservative to some extend). And lastly you are not saying the truth when you said 'polygamy is hallal BUT NOT RECOMMENDED'., where did you concocted this one from?? Do you have any proove from the kitab wassunnah that polygamy is not recommended?? Or did you come across any fatwah of any learned islamic schooler which says polygamy is not recommended?? Or do you just wish to make it 'unrecommended' out of your whims and desires?? Be very careful by saying things you are very sure of, and if you dont have good knowledge on something, its better you keep quiet so that you dont mislead innocent people...

        • you are so literal-minded you take everything i say so literally i never said i don't know whats going on around the world you misunderstood what i said what I was trying to say to you was that you were making generalisation about women who are in their 30s and 40s that can't find husbands which is untrue because their are women who are divorcees who still mange to find husbands that's all i was saying i am aware about whats going on in the west since i live in the united kingdom .

          And secondly i said polygamy is allowed but not recommended this means that it is neither compulsory or disliked. i wasn't trying to mislead people if you misunderstood something i said all you should of done is asked instead of making assumptions. i'm from the uk and my brother has studied the Quran he is a Hafiz and he explained to me that the reason why polygamy is allowed is for those reasons I mentioned in my other post.

          I understand polygamy but personally I would never consider polygamy because it would be to difficult to share my husband with anyone however if the circumstances were different say i was living in country were their was war and conflict I would help another sister out and might even consider polygamy.

          when you think about polygamy don't you ever think about it from child's point of view or a first wife's point of view.

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