Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Married for 10 years and now he wants the money

Islamic Banking

My husband and i have been married for 10 years and have 2 kids that are 7 & 8 year old boys. My husband is the narcissist type who gets angry over small things and throw things. I get scared and have always shut my mouth. My family and his family dont like him either and dont get involve much. He is not at all religious, heck he doesnt even pray2 times a day not even once. He doesnt sd an 8 hour job but has some money coming in which was not enough so i started working. Oh btw he plays chess diligently and everyday rather look for work. So now that i found a good job and saved some money, he is very eager to buy a house of my money to put it on my and his name, even though it is 80% my money. I also pay half the house bills for the past 2 years.

So i gathered some courage and said to him we will only buy house if he pays the equal amount, he got so angry and took my things away so i quickly started apologising and agreed. I am planning to run away but i know he will make my life miserable for fighting for kids in court. I do not love him i was tolerating him for the sake my religion and Allah tells us to be patient but it is becoming difficult and i am scared of him i do not even like to have him around all these years. Please help what should i do? Should i leave and fight with all i have for kids or stay and give all the money and for the sake of kids cause i seriously dont love him.

ayesha


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5 Responses »

  1. Aslm! Ayshert i just got your message now and i will like to give you small advice from the little of my knowledge, i just wnt to tell you to be patient again, again and again not for the sake of his love but for Allah's sake and for your children and constantly remind him tp pray pr indeed os the best thing you could help him with. Wasssalam

  2. Sister. Don't listen to anyone who tells you to be patient with a man who is using you. He does not pray consistently. He is selfish. You work and pay the bills. Therefore: Find a way to leave him and divorce his sorry behind. No one ever tells a man whose wife behaves this way to be patient. Why should you? True Islam tells us over and over and over that women are so special, that Muslim women are to be honored and treated well, that Muslim women are to be protected and respected. Then when men like your husband are awful, people tell the Muslim women to be patient. Such hypocrisy. Don't fall for the divorce is a sin talk either. The Prophet (pbuh) married divorced women.
    After ten years of sadness mixed with a maybe a little happiness, it is time for you to go. You should talk with your family and ask for their support. Find another place to live if you must, ask your male relatives to protect and help you move away. Get a lawyer and divorce your husband. Make sure your family will support you and that you are safe. Your husband is using you and using Islam to get what he wants without working for it. Don't make deals with him. He has already shown you how he behaves. If you got a credit or debit card and for 5 or 10 years and did not make payments like you should, your credit record would be horrible and no one would want to loan you money, sell you a car or even rent you an apartment. If you paid your bills on time and saved some money, businesses would consider you creditworthy, trustworthy and make good offers for a home, a car, or to buy a large appliance, etc. The same thinking applies to your deadbeat husband. Make sure you keep your money separate from him and that he has absolutely no access to it. You owe him nothing. It is not your job to maintain your household the way you do. Find someone else who at least wants to work with you, be kind to you and care for you. There are many decent men who would marry you in a minute. Ask Allah to provide for you, to protect you and to keep fitnah away from you. May Allah give you all the strength to get far away from your irresponsible and unkind husband and give you someone who is a good Muslim to be your new husband.

  3. There's being patient and there's being stupid. When you have given someone 10 years of chances to prove themselves, but they only confirm, over and over again, what kind of low life being they are, you are absolutely not obliged to be "patient" for 10 more years, or even a day more. In fact, you should have stopped being patient with this man many years ago, if you ask me.

    Do not, under any circumstances, buy any kind of property with your hard-earned money under your husband's name. In fact, I'd suggest you get a divorce and then buy a property so that he won't try to rob you of your belongings under a potential divorce procedure.

    Also, you seem to timid and submissive to this man - why on Earth would you be quiet if someone is treating you like crap? It's a huge mistake on your part, because for 10 years your husband has made the impression that you're a great doormat that he can wipe his dirty feet on. The fact that he can make you compromise with your self respect and dignity so easily tells me you need to make some changes as well. Don't beat around the bush, if you want a divorce, then go seek one with the understanding that it's not going to be easy. No divorce is. If you're not prepared to seriously leave this man then I'm sorry, it's your choice and you really have no right to complain about your marriage.

  4. Leave him. He will never change and Allah has given you this right. If you are living in a Western country, he will never get the children. Even if he was perfect in every way and a great provider, you can still leave him just because you don't love him.

  5. ASLAMUALUQUM

    please dont mind me saying

    Why did you have children with him in the first place? Maybe you fell in love with him in the beggining. My ex husband ( not legally divorced yet untill he gives me haq mehar) was like that too. He would get mad at the smallest things. We would argue all the time. I tried showing my life for him by cleaning, cooking, and giving him his desires if you know what i mean by that.
    I was like his slave. I dont need a man who just used me for his sexual desires. I wanted a guy who really loved me internally and showed me affection without always tiring me. I was sick and tired of it. It is fun to do it but not all the time. He started abusing me when I was living alone with him in our new apt in FLORIDA when he got a job there. I loved him when he was caring and nice but when he changed to evil and rude my heart hated him. WE didnt have kids when we were together for 1 year, because we were using protectives. MY husband was also using me for greencard too.
    Try to
    1,) Talk with him making agreements between each other
    2.) Talk with his family about it if he doesn't listen
    3.) Have counseling done
    4.) If you want to leave him, make a clear plan and clear decision on how and what is going to happen which can take months
    5.) Have a good intention that you tried everything your best for the sake of ALLAH and make a decision

    even after steps 1-3 dont work ,, then go to plan 4 and 5
    It had took so many years that you guys were together so its hard to make it work later on.
    If he was closer to GOD, then you definitely wouldn't want to loose him
    There is no point in having a useless guy who treats a woman like dirt and when you have no love between each other.
    He deserves it because he couldn't make a change in his life to treat you with respect and woman like you are.

    He should read the QURAN and understand how much respect there is for a wife financially and physically.

    I am sorry for anything that would of hurt you but i am being very honest and clear.
    You seem like a decent lady who is trying her best to deal with abuse. I don't like abuse and its not worth it.
    You are mentally uspeting you self, your kids, and wasting your life.
    I have been through an abusive relationship as well.I also had divorced parents so I know how bad it affects your life and kids. The divorce of my parents gave me a bad self esteem. Its natural , environment affects a person no matter what a person does. Its physcology. PLEASE WAKE UP! DON'T LET ANYONE STOP YOU!!!

    please remmeber what i am saying and trying to take it as a sisterly advice

    5.)

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