Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Married in secret and now husband doesn’t want me but i am pregnant

broken marriage

Secret marriages are broken from the start

Me and my husband have been married for 3 and a half years. soon after are marriage i started seeing certain things in him the way he would treat me, he was very selfish and would manipulate me to do what he wants.

We started off good and it was masha-Allah, but that wasnt to last as i felt his real charachter was coming out.

I have always been loving, caring, understanding and always there for him, but when ever i need him he doesn't want to know about my problems. he rather me go to some one else and he wears me down emotionally and plays mind games and makes me feel stupid but i still run after him because . i love him soo much.

He says that because i haven't told my parents about our marriage, that time has made his feeling change. but if that is true that still doesn't give him the right to hurt me and use me.. he has hurt me in many ways and shows me that he just don't appreciate me and i feel unworthy..

I do feel that's it my fault for not telling my parents sooner but i thought i wanted to be on our feet before i tell them so at least when they ask about him i can say he has a job and he can provide for me. but he always shows me he is irresposible with money and selfish. he is only nice when he wants something. i love him as he does love Allah and really beleievs in Allah even though he has low eeman.

What should i do? will he change? he hurts me by saying he doesn't want me.

- sister j


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9 Responses »

  1. sis i doubt he will change, he is jus usein you. i know you love him but you gotta understand its a one sided love from your part. i think its about time you told your parents since they will eventually find out about your situation.

    he already said he doesnt love you right? there is no reason for you to cling on, the sooner you leave him the better.

    " in order for a relationship to work effort needs to be put in from both partys otherwise it will jus fall through"

    peace............................

    • salaams sis, i fear that he wont change, at the moment i can see he is trying and making an effort...but i see that is only becuase i am having his child, he has never denied he wants kids with me..for him its ideal really. i just dont know what 2 do, i know i should trust in allah but that dont mean he will change and treat me how i SHOULD be treated. i dont even know how 2 explain it. when he wants 2 be nice he can be but when this thing comes over him where he feels he needs 2 get away from me i just cant do or say anything for him 2 see that he is being bit cruel.

      He has never been truley sorry for the things he has done in the past, he says what he did was a minor and should get over it, the only thing he is sorry for is the hurt it caused me but it was all a minor.he knows that is crap! i just wanted 2 beleive he was sorry just 2 make it better and to have in him in my life. But till this day he dont really feel sorry 2wards me, i dont trust him and he cant stand that and he dont see that he has given me a number of reasons not to trust him, he dont care 2 even work back that trust with me, i would do anything 2 trust him again but it is a bit hard when he is just so oblivious 2 everything. i just wanted him 2 make it up 2 me and make that pain he caused to make it better but he never did...time has done that but its alwasy at the back of my mind that the man i love so much is capable of this. i dont know. my family are not muslim that is why it was a secret marriage...i feel bad that the family that LOVE me and has been there for me i will hurt for some1 who is not bothered if they r with me or not.

      • asalamu alaikum,

        sis the only 2 option you have is either stay with him and get used or take the leave. you already answered your question. you gave more than enough reason to leave him. theres a few which i noticed "He has never been truley sorry for the things he has done in the past, he says what he did was a minor and should get over it" and " just wanted him 2 make it up 2 me and make that pain he caused to make it better but he never did"

        i also understand you got married secretly due to your family, and it must have been really hard for you, yet your husband knew about this and still put you through this pain, hardship.seems to me he was toyin with you from the start.

        i believe every woman deserves to be loved and adored regardless of ethnic background, if they cant do this simple task then they shouldnt be with any woman.

        ma salama

        • yeah i know deep down what it is, but a part of me thinks he might change but then i think he hasnt
          changed in all this time, i just want some islamic advise....can me keeping this a secret from my family of made him act this way, he said his feelings changed becuase of the situation etc and
          i let time make him change but then i know thats not true....could i have casued this, and made allah
          make his heart change 2wards me..ive done so much for him, sacrifised alot and he always says what
          have i done, i t really hurts to hear that someone i know i have done alot for, including putting my self in
          the back seat while i push him 2 further him self in his career thinking when it is my turn he will push
          me and help me but all he did was break me and take away all my self esteem, i got so depressed that
          i dropped out of uni and lost my job because i had cancer, and in all this time i went through my lowest
          he wasnt there for me, he in fact gave me such a hard time through this period in my life to the point even if i wanted 2 tell my family what would i tell them that i have met this man and this is how he treats me...He gave me no strength 2 tell my family, yeah he used to threaten me and say if i dont tell them soon he
          will leave me coz he cant do this etc, but from the day i married him i knew i would have 2 face my family
          soon one day and that would worry me everyday, every night just thinking OMG how/when etc and all i
          got from him was his crap...and this was going on till the other month till i told him i was pregnant...he
          said he was happy about having a baby with me and said now he can see the relashionship moving
          foward,but but i know just because you dont get your way when u want that u dont treat sum1 how he
          has treated me in the past....when ever he has done sumin 2 hurt me or said sumin hurful its always
          me beging him 2 take me back and saying sorry. it is sad, im embarrassed.

          Because of what we was going through i.e problems he said we will see how it goes and him having another wife down the line is an option, and says why do i worry when that time isnt here etc, like it is a option but might not happen...im so scared. its like a gamble, he has showed me MORE reason that
          he will let me down but on the other hand this baby might do US good, but presenting a man with a
          baby will that change him 2wards me? how likely is that, i just want 2 feel loved and appriciated. My
          friends tell me that it will take a lot of time and hard work to change him, including me not being so soft when it comes 2 him, which they may have a point but is it worth it then if i have 2 do all that, i thin its
          more likely him 2 treat his next wife better becuase he has learnt alot from me but cant be good 2 me
          bacuse he is used 2 treating me like a door mat. 🙁 sometimes thats what made me stay with him
          becuase the thought of him being with another woman and treating her how i should have been treated
          .
          i know people cant tell me what 2 do, but its good 2 get other thouights on this...but even after all that
          has happened he hasnt ever left me, he stays and says he will try and he will be there for me and that he cant wait till the baby arrives. is that good enough.

          • i understand part of you thinks he may change but i think you are holding onto false hope. he shouldnt
            be treating you like this, ok you married him in secret but that doesnt give him any right to treat you this way, you are HIS WIFE, so he should be dedicatin all his time in caterin to your needs.

            do you also think he will change after you give birth to his child? i think not, after witnessin similuar
            situation i can say it probably get worser.why? most likely he will blame you for the way you raise him etc
            you will be known as a bad mother.

            you also said he is thinkin on havin another wife? sis he is giving you hints, but you are still clingin on.
            its best to set yourself free now then later cos the pain will double, meanin as if he does re-maary he will abandon you, the pain will be far greater.

            why is it you who is always sacrificin, beggin and apologising, cos of that he is takin advantage in tramplin over you.
            i have to agree what your friends say you are to soft when dealin with him.

            theres some thin which i notice you wrote sayin" says he will try and he will be there for me and that he cant wait till the baby arrives"?
            so when the baby comes hes gonna try but he wasnt willing to try before he found out about you bein pregnant? in other words he is not bothered about you, lady i understand you are extremely attached to him but you need to put a stop to this.

            also in islam if the husband isnt givin his wife her rights then it is permissble to seek divorce.

  2. Assalam alaikam sister in islam
    Well, I am really sorry how the events turned out for you. Marriage a sacred institution and delivers equal responsibilities upon male and female. I dont know which country you belong to but basically a marriage is not just the union of two people. It is the union of two families and usually the decision involves the elders namely parents. Now I dont know how did you end up marrying someone without the conset of his parents, because if the parents are not involved, it is a huge risk. But anyhow now that things are done and it cant be undone, you really need to ask yourself that do you really wanna spend the rest of your life with a person who has not been there for you. If you can get the support of your family, i would really advise you not to degrade yourself for someone who doesnt deserve it. I know divorce is a tough ask but it is better to be safe than sorry. gulp down the bitter medicine now to save yourself from some terminal disease and inshallah Allah SWT will shower His Blessings upon you. Our prayers are with you.

    Wassalaam

  3. Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

    Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

    Sister, if you did not tell your parents that you are married, this is a very great issue. You do not say if your parents are Muslim or not. If your parents are Muslim, then your marriage is not valid, because a woman is required to have a wali, a guardian, and your father is your wali. It is not permissible for you to marry without his permission. If your father is not Muslim and you are, then when you got married you should have had a trusted man from your Muslim community act as your wali in order to look out for your interests. If this did not happen, if you had no wali, then your marriage is not valid and you have not been married these three years.

    This is a very difficult situation for you and you have a lot of "cleaning up" to do in order to fix it. You first have to determine if your marriage is valid or not. If it is, if you had the wali and received the mahr (bride gift), had two adult male Muslim witnesses, and the marriage was announced, it is valid. If any of these parts are lacking, then you must separate and either redo the marriage correctly or part from one another.

    Now, three years on, you sound like you are unhappy and that you are in a marriage that has beaten you down emotionally. Now you are about to have a child and bring him or her into this unhappy situation. You will have to draw on all your strength to talk to your husband and give him an ultimatum - shape up, or ship out. He must STOP treating you like you are stupid. He must get and keep a job. You both must learn to budget so your will become financially stable. You must repent to Allah for your past actions, and you must both turn to Allah. Know that what separates belief from disbelief is the prayer, so you and your husband must commit to praying the five daily prayers and he must go to the Friday prayer every week. If either of you refuses to pray, considering it to be not important, then you are in a state of disbelief. If you are praying but he is not, then you must counsel him to return to the prayer, or else you will not be able to stay with him, as a Muslim woman cannot stay with a man who is in a state of disbelief. Give him a set time, three months, to recommit to prayer, and after this time tell him you cannot stay. Have Muslim men from your community come to him and counsel him, and have them try to keep him busy with worship and help him develop better habits. In the meantime, you must also strive to be a strong Muslimah and live in a way that is pleasing to Allah. The first thing you must do is TELL YOUR PARENTS. They have a right to know that you are married (if your marriage is valid) and to know that they will soon have a grandchild. You must come to them humbly and tell them you made a mistake. Ask for their forgiveness and tell them you are going to work to be a better daughter. If they are not Muslim, still you have to be kind to them. If they are, your duty is even greater.

    It is a complex situation, and while I don't consider it to be hopeless, I know that you have a huge challenge ahead of you. You will have to be strong and be the grownup, and not let this man determine your self worth. Tell yourself you are going to work hard for the next three or six months, whatever time frame you give yourself, and be tough on him and tell him he has to do better, but try to guide him in a loving manner with wisdom, and not with nagging or screaming. Now, all this being said, if he cannot handle what you are doing and becomes physically violent at any time, you have to get out and save yourself and your unborn child. You do not know how he will react; he may need you to be the leader in this, and he may welcome your strong hand. He may fly off the handle and become enraged. Work on him bit by bit, take care of yourself, and recognize that no matter what happens, at the end of this, if you strive to please Allah, you will be in a much better place spiritually and emotionally, with him or without. My du'as are with you and I pray you have the strength to do what must be done. And Allah knows best.

    Fi Aman Allah,

    Noorah,
    Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

  4. Bisimillar ramanir raheem - Assalaamu Aleikum , My name is Rebecca I am a convert to Islam and I will be totally honest when I say that I did not know everything, but my Husband does, I have one question me and my husband were having sexual relations before marriage which is also known as Zina and I was not yet a Muslim but he was, during that time I conceived and was now pregnant and I was 5 months into the pregnancy and my husband says It is mandatory to be married before pregnancy, but what I cannot understand is that if he knew all of this, why did he not take precaution sooner, so we went to a Mosque and had a formal Nikkah with myself and him and two witnesses, but I was already pregnant, so the question is, Is this Nikkah halal or harram meaning we should separate immediately, not only that he has been abusive and really detrimental to my health I had a Cesarean section with our daughter and instead of helping me through it he just beat on me instead, I know he is suffering financially but that is no reason to assault me, Now I am curious what do I do now??? I could possibly be pregnant again, I have to go to the doctors to find out for sure, I have all of the symptoms.. I am just so confused, frustrated and angry. Sisters please tell me the best course of action. I asked for divorce which I believe its called Khula but he denied, so I am stuck... so i just want to find out if the Nikkah is halal, and if its not I am out the door in a flash. so please at your earliest convenience give me some advice, I have talked to some sheikes and they tell me its my fault. I did something to make him beat me??? and the crazy part is I am a law enforcement officer, and he was a drug dealer, which I have come to find out now. I AM LOST!

  5. Asalaamualaikum ,

    Sister Fatima Abdul-Malik, you should really re-submit your question as a separate post, but I shall reply here for now inshaAllah.

    Firstly welcome and congratulations on accepting Islam. May Allah make this path easy for you. The day you accepted Islam, your slate would have become clean, as though you were a new born baby, regardless of whether you were pregnant out of wedlock or not.

    The Prophet said to a person who had placed the condition upon him in accepting Islam that God would forgive his sins:

    “Do you not know that accepting Islam destroys all sins which come before it?” (Saheeh Muslim)

    Secondly, I am really sorry at the situation you are in. Unfortunately Sister, you may have discovered already that even though someone calls themself Muslim, this does not mean that they are representing or practising Islam in the right way.

    Your husband was Muslim at the time he had physical relations with you, he knew that he was committing a sin, so he will be held accountable for that. If he wanted to rush the nikah with you, it was most probably to protect his own honour in front of other people.

    Sister, you say your husband has been beating you and has been detrimental to your health - that is not the behaviour of a real Muslim man. Whatever difficulties he has been experiencing, he has no right whatsoever to be verbally, physically, or emotionally abusive towards you.

    If an Imaam is telling you, you deserve to be abused by your husband, then I strongly doubt that he is even qualified to be an Imaam. Look at what Allah(swt) says in the Quran in Surah Nisaa:

    V 128. If a wife fears cruelty or desertion on her husband's part, there is no blame on them if they arrange an amicable settlement between themselves; and such settlement is best; even though men's souls are swayed by greed. But if ye do good and practice self-restraint, Allah is well-acquainted with all that ye do.

    V 129. Ye are never able to be fair and just as between women, even if it is your ardent desire: but turn not away (from a woman) altogether so as to leave her (as it were) hanging (in the air). If ye come to a friendly understanding and practice self-restraint, Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

    V 130. But if they disagree (and must part), Allah will provide abundance for all from His all-reaching bounty:
    for Allah is He that careth for all and is Wise.

    This man is beating you and into dealing drugs - what does that say about his character. Sister, I can only advise you as I would advise my own sister. So I would say, move away from him immediately; he is a danger to you, your child and your unborn child and you deserve to be treated with love and respect. Then deal with all the other things afterwards. Find out about the validity of the nikah - or maybe Brother Wael or Sister Noorah can shed some light on this as I do not know if Nikah is valid whilst a woman is pregnant.

    Best Wishes Fatima
    x

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