I married for pity now I regret it.
The best advice is to ask Allah for guidance, and then follow your heart.
AOA,
I am 24 and got married around 5 months ago. My wife(my khalaz daughter) was engaged to my elder brother first for almost four years and my brother went to UK for one year for his higher studies and when he came back his mind was absolutely changed about getting married to her as she is not much of a better caliber, she is not wealthy enough, and she is dumb as she never stayed in friends and have been introvert as in literally introvert. My brother refused somehow or the other and broke the engagement with her and went to *** so that nobody comes home to persuade him or whatever.
Behind him it was me seeing my mother suffering like anything as she was her sister's daughter and their relationship got ruined. My mother had recently released from the hospital for her uterus operation. I don't know what came to my mind, I just told mom that, can I marry her? and she looked in my eyes and said, is it really possible and there was the spark. After three days I was with the decision that I am getting married to her.
My elder brother was still in **** but I had called him about the situation. All I wanted to discuss is that since the time of my commitment I have not spent a single good moment with her. I have made her admitted to university for masters, have been guiding her everything as she was unaware of everything and still feel sometimes I am up to the same process. All I´ m saying is my life has ruined, I have a social circle and status to maintain, I have lost my confidence.
I had been sick mentally, specially in the first 3 months. I thought I had gone mad but I managed to handle myself. I suffer with the same things on daily basis, whenever I see her, I feel terrible as psychologically I have an image about her in my mind but am incapable of handling this situation anymore as there is nothing common between us and in these five or more months I have tried my level best to bring some chemistry which does not exist at all in the relationship.
My mind just thinks of the divorce and nothing else as I think am I going to spend the whole youth of mine making her capable to live with me?
I have my life, I am young, I can get married again but then feel guilt for her. What would she do?
Please reply ASAP
-ssm
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Assalaamu alaikum brother ssm.
I am sorry to hear that you are having difficulties in your marriage. However you have not been clear as to exactly what the problem is, except for her being introverted.
I do not mean to be harsh but you asked for this marriage so you must face up to it. You were not forced. I understand it must have been extremely difficult seeing your mother suffer, but marrying for pity is a bad idea. Saying that I am young, and I would hate to feel 'trapped' in a marriage as I am sure older people would.
I think your expectations from the start may have been unrealistic, as well as your intentions. That is a bad start, and something you should work on changing. Even if you do re-marry these unrealistic expectations will cause you dissapointment. Try getting to know your wife properly and really trying to make this work before you consider divorce. Divorce is a LAST resort and it is hated by Allah swt. Make a concerted effort brother, even if you do not feel like it initially. It is likely she is also unhappy and wants to work towards fixing things. So move out of this frame of mind of remembering that you married her for pity and that you want a divorce. Accept her as your wife and try your utmost to make it work. If it still doesnt work then divorce is a possibility. Whatever you do, correct your intention - do it to please Allah swt and He will make the path easy for you dear brother. So do not try to fix your marriage as you pity her - do it for Allah swt. Try to be the best husband for Allah swt. Help her if shes having difficulty.
Also know that the first months - year of marriage can be very very difficult for many newlyweds. I apologise if I have been harsh with you in anyway.
I pray that Allah swt guides you both and help you and gives you whats best for you.
Ameen
Peace,
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I agree with Sara.
I also want to add this: I feel for this girl. She maybe introvert and quiet - what is wrong with that? You - brother chose to marry her knowing what she was like, albeit for the wrong reasons. Marriage is not a joke, you married this sister, knowing you already did not like her for marriage but you chose to ignore this most major truth anyway. You married her because you felt bad for your mother. I understand no-one wants to see their mother upset, but to marry someone whom you already claim is 'dumb' - for whom did you think you were doing a favour?
Throughout your post, you have disrespected your wife, you have called her 'dumb', 'introvert' - in a demeaning manner and you have suggested that she is of 'low calibre' and is not to your 'level of status'. You have enrolled her at university because you are trying to change her into someone who can fit into your social status and circle. But have you ever thought that perhaps it may be you who is not worthy of her?
I suggest you try to humble yourself and see the good in your wife.
I apologise if I have been harsh, but I have seen this situation so many times and I find it pathetic.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Mashallah. Thank you sister said for that reply to him...You spoke my mind.
Sometimes we have to be blunt I think.
Brother ssm, you need to feel sorry for ur wife more than yourself....firstly after years of being engaged to ur brother, he basically 'dumped' her...then out of pity you marry her and ofcourse she accepted u probably hoping to live a happy life with you...but now due to v insufficient reasons mentioned in ur post, you want to divorce her.
What has she done to deserve this other than being an introvert human being who does not have a masters degree certificate hangin up on her bedroom wall?
May Allah make it work between the two of u, Ameen.
w'salaamu alaikum
If you think that she doesn't come up to your expectations then please leave her , divorce her ....
But before jumping to that stage i would suggest you to use your charm ,love and affection to change her .
Women can easily be changed through love and emotions . Communicate and talk to her . This is the only way you can change her .
A women needs love and caring to open up .
Please don't judge humans by the number of degrees or the amount of money they have . I thought only women were gold diggers but it seems like you also fall into that category .
Men and women like you really makes me sad .What if ALLAH has given you the opportunity to earn heaven just by changing and making her life good .
Trust me , women will die for you if you love and care for them .
If all else fails please divorce . It's better for her to find some who will love her and for you to find some one who will match your caliber .
.
Salaams ssm
I totally agree with Sisterz sister took the words out my mouth, brother if your life matter to you so much why did you married her in the first place and you should have thought about it long and hard? It seemed you didn’t realise marriage is not a joke. You should be blessed you got married and now you want to divorce someone who is dumb and doesn’t fit in your lifestyle. Are you serious the problem is YOU who ruined the girl’s life, maybe without changing her, look at YOURSELF in the mirror and know what you want. I hope you can work this with out the need to make her change because where I am sitting it appears to me its you with the issues not her. I hope my words are not harsh but they speak from the truth
Assalamu alaykum brother,
I am happy you wrote to us about your situation.
My brother, you married her because you wanted to. Do not say " what happened to me" I said yes. Nothing happens to us, we choose in full consciousness what we do and when it does not come as we expected, we blame our destiny or we regret doing that thing.
You knew how she was before marriage as well, so no need to make an issue of it. Seek Help from Allah to ease your way and surely you shall see good happening in this marriage, Insha Allah.
Try to make peace between the two of you. Try to know what are the interests for your "introvert" wife, get close to her, know her mind, ask her what makes her happy, do those things for her and stay within the limits of Allah in whatsoever you do.
I am not saying you did not try, but now try in the correct manner, in the right direction, with a set purpose.
What we have which non Muslims do not have?
Faith in Allah and His revelations.
Open the Qur'an, read it with her, the meanings, the translations, daily, make it a habit. Ask her to read for you and you read for her.
Once your hearts open to the revelations of Allah, Insha Allah there will be a common goal, common interest to seek the good of dunya and good of aakhirah and most importantly to seek the good pleasure of Allah and fulfill His purpose.
Please take this advice seriously. Take the Qur'an, it cures depression, it cures broken hearts, it cures distress and it is a healing and mercy for all those who believe.
Trust not my words, but Trust Allah, read His revelations, make her read.
204. And when the Qur’an is recited, give ear to it and pay heed, that ye may obtain mercy. - Surah Al A'raf
57. O mankind! There hath come unto you an exhortation from your Lord, a balm for that which is in the breasts, a guidance and a mercy for believers. - Surah Yunus.
Not all things in the world come easy, we have to work hard for some. You have to work hard on your relation and this is not much hard work, if you both turn to Allah, open your hearts to His revelations, Insha Allah, you will see good changes.
I hope you will do so, hope the advice helps and the question is answered to your satisfaction.
Salaam.
Your brother,
Munib.
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Bismillah ARRAHMAN ARRAHIM. . . . . . i agree with d comments of muslim man and also d sisters involved. . . . .what d sisters (sisterz nd faith) opined is simply a harsh truth and i suggest u look into there advice and try to reason with them as regards ur wife. . Really there is no genuine reason in ur post which qualifies dis woman 2 b a bad wife. . . . I will suggest u respect her humanity and respect her well being. . . Dont think of divorce 4 now,,, try to show her love nd take care of her.. . . for d fact dat she is docile, dat is'nt a sufficient reason to divorce or maltreat her.. . My brother fair Allah and let me remind u dat u will definately account 4 ur action (good or bad) in akhira. . . May be u are d one dat don't deserve her. . . My brother treat her love nd care and u can easily mobilise her 2 b d kind of lady u want her 2 b... U can achieve dis by inductrinating her with d character u want 2 see in her (provided d character is acceptable in d fold of islam). . . Pls take care nd achieve what u want with hikmah. . . . . . .WASSALAMU ALAIKUM WA RAHMATULLAH
One must also consider if it was the other way around. What if the girl was feeling this way, and only married the guy because of embarrassment from other women who would make fun of her for being dumped?? I think you should divorce her, and she can move on with her life with someone who treats her like a queen. Everyone deserves to be happy, and I'm sure she's picked up on the fact that you don't want to make it work with her. If you divorce, you'll both have a fresh start and new chance to find someone you love and want to stay married to.