Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I married someone that rejects me.

upset muslim woman, distressed sister

Asalam alaykum to my brother and sisters,

I am very desperate for answers that are answered from people who knows about certain things because I can´t go and ask someone in the family, I´ m too scared to do so.

I was 20 years old when I had a relationship secretly (which I know I shouldn´t do) the boy used to live very far away.  After a year he wanted to marry me and have a life together, his family got to know me and they all liked me but when my father got to know about this proposal, he kind of freaked out, he just couldn´t accept him. I tried to show him that I m happy to do this but I was too scared of telling him who he really is and what I feel for him.

After my parents refused him. We had a tough time and I got very emotional. One day my mother heard my voice and she was very disappointed with me, same time my father got to know and he wasn´t happy what I have done but I did apologize for it and felt really bad.

Now that was the beginning of my story, here is where the problem comes, they told me to accept someone else who I never met before, he was some guy from the family far related and only my parents knew who he is but also never met him before.

I did tell them that I m not ready for this and I didn´t wana marry him, my parents basically got support from my family to make me understand that I should do this, even one of them told me  that it´s about time and many girls would do anything to be in my shoes,  it did hurt me alot but I didn´t say anythin back because I respect my family a lot.

After 3-4 days, I gave up and said alright he can come to our house to meet everyone  and from that moment he walked in our house.   Everyone fell in love with him   as he had some sort of magic. My mother quietly asked me if I need to be in private with him  to ask him a few questions and  I said yes,  well we had no proper conversation, he was too shy and so was I, after we returned back.  My family were happy to accept him, some of my family members did ask me infront of everyone if I´ m happy to do this   and because of respect and shyness I shock my head, I didn´t even say yes  and straight away they made arrangments for the engagment etc

After one and a half year of engagment I had to go through a lot,  he argued with me, he never had time for me,  when he came to visit he always had a face of not wanting to be here,  always ready to go or to ignore me,  he bullied me about how I look such as being overweight. Honestly,  I had few times where I just wanted to tell my parents I didn´t want to marry him  but there was always something that wasn´t possible for me to say it  .i.e. my mother was too sick, sad or not happy and my dad too tired or stressed...or we had guests and it was impossible to say

Just before my wedding around 8 weeks ago I was really ill and we had a big fight again...I cried and my father accidently came into my room...I always cried secretly so that no one could see what I feel...just to keep everyone happy...but when he saw me..he asked me what happened...that moment I just filled him in of all my pain...and he was happy that I told him...he said to me there is no way that you can marry him if  you are not happy...I felt the smell of being free again...happy and calm...not stressing out anymore...but it lasted only a night

My father just kept quiet and didn´t do anything because of my mother, she didn´t want me to break up the engagment, she was too scared of what the everyone will think or say  and that the wedding was not too far as well. I told her that moment that if you want everyone to be happy over your own flesh and blood's happiness so it will be  and I promised myself that I will go through this marriage and be very strong and patient...

After the wedding, it went up and down,  if i laugh one day, I cry the rest of the week, financially my husband is also very bad, he has high expectations but no money  and he doesn´t care to talk to me when he come back home, he always treats me like as if I´m not there...he hates how I look and I really try to loose weight but I just cant do it, it hurts me so much, why he can´t love me the way I´m,honestly I tried to love him  but from the beginning I just saw negative things from him and little good things, my heart can´t accept him now...

Now I´m very depressed and sad...I have lost my way and I have no strength to do anything, nor do I like to do housework or do something nice....I just feel I´m caught in a deep box....and I can´t see any happiness coming into my life...I did talk to my husband many times of my feelins but they recover for a week and it goes back to what it used to be

I really need help and advice...what should I really do...I have done so many sacrifices and haven´t seen anything good for myself....Also to  mention my mother is pushing me to become pregnant...she thinks if I wait too long I might not be able to get pregnant...but I wana make this relationship work before I bring a child...especially financially we are not doing great..

Please, I need honest advice!!!!

Thank you

Flower

Advertisements

Tagged as: , , ,

8 Responses »

  1. I been reading many stories here about the similar topics- Parents forcing their kids to marry someone they don't like due to society pressure. These kinds of arrange marriages seem so unatural. I can't believe that it still goes on like this. Kids are becoming like robots.

    Sister Flower, I would say that if your not happy with the person that never wanted to marry from the beginning and is disrespectful to you, then you have a choice to end it and find happiness. Don't be so fearful of your parents.

  2. Dear sister flower

    Your story is so common and i am deeply sorry for your pain. I'm going to give you a simple answer, in the form of the following hadith.

    "Khansa Bint Khidam said “My father married me to his nephew, and I did not like this match, so I complained to the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace). He said to me “accept what your father has arranged.” I said “I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.”

    He said “then this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.” I said “I have accepted what my father has arranged, but I wanted women to know that fathers have no right in their daughter’s matters (i.e. they have no right to force a marriage on them)." (Fathul Bari Sharah Al Bukhari 9/194, Ibn Majah Kitabun Nikah 1/602).

    Be strong and pray to Allah to help you in this difficult time.
    I'm not going to suggest you sit down and discuss with your husband, becasue if you look at the above hadith, the prophet (saw) did not advice the young woman to do that when she told him (saw) that she was unhappy.
    Sister you were forced, plain and simple. So the answer is quiet clear- You marriage is INVALID on this basis. If you do not want to be in this marriage, walk out. Its your right and you must excercise it if you deem it necessary.
    Do not give into the pressures of your parents and family- inform them of the rulings regarding marriage in Islam- ignorance has destroyed our communities sister and you must do your utmost to rise above such ignorance.

    I pray you find a resolution to your problems.

    • Hafsa ....

      I'm not going to suggest you sit down and discuss with your husband, becasue if you look at the above hadith, the prophet (saw) did not advice the young woman to do that when she told him (saw) that she was unhappy.

      You are giving a very bad message to all women who will visit this page . Communication is the key to healthy relationship . Do you even know that if a woman ask for divorce for no good reason , the fragrance of jannah will be haram on her .

      Any woman who asks her husband for divorce for no reason will not smell the fragrance of Paradise. [Sahih Al-Jamii]

      The Prophet(Sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam) said, “If I were to order anyone to bow down to other than Allah, I would order the wife to do so for her husband. By the One who owns the soul of Muhammad,if a wife does not fulfill her obligations towards her husband, then she will not have fulfilled her obligations towards Allah.” [Ahmad]

  3. Assalamu alikum warahmathallhi wrbkathuhu,

    Mashallah, sister Hafsa gave a brilliant advice. You cant be forced to do anything. I was also in a similar situation, my parents didnt force me as such it was more of emotional blackmailing...however, i did say no , i was only 16 and had so little knowledge of life, and thus the proposal was cancelled, though i was looking forward to marrying him after getting to know him better.

    Sis, at the end of the day, its you who has to live in this dunya with him and maybe in the akhira too, so by all means, you have equal right to happiness. It is the right decision to wait and have a baby, if you were to divorce, what will happen to the baby? Divorce just take a family's happiness away.

    By all means, it a good thing to be respectful to your parents, and trying to not hurt their feeling, nonetheless, its your life!! If you;re not happy in the relationship, dont waste your life or your husband's life.
    Be honest with them, tell them how you really feel. Any parent want their child to be happy, your family might assume that you're doing great when you're suffering inside. Keep making alot of duas and inshallah, may Allah(swt) ease your difficulties.

  4. Flower,

    I will never understand why parents will raise their daughters only to push them into a marriage that they know their daughters do not want! Although it is imperative for you to respect your parents here Flower, you also have a voice and you should have used it. To be engaged for over a year in which you yourself say this man was treating you horribly and then only to marry him? Why? If you have been married for 8 weeks and you feel as low as you do, you need to do whatever it is YOU need to do to be happy. Does your mother not care about your happiness? Is it so important for you to be married irregardless of how you feel? Do not wait for 8 years to pass you by and live a miserable life and feel the way you do. With all due respect, your mother is wrong to push you to get pregnant. What...do you think having a baby is going to somehow make this man change? That is a misnomer that people think having a child will make things better in their relationships, it is not reality. Why is it that Muslim families will sacrifice the happiness of their daughters only to marry them off to men they clearly do not want? Haram! Flower, Allah gave you a mind and he gave you a voice. It is time you to use them. Stand up for yourself or spend the rest of your married life in the miserable state that you are in. May Allah guide you in life and keep you safe.

    Salam

  5. Finally!! Great advice above!! I'm confused, does he reject you or do you reject him? As far as weight goes, keep in mind there are some boys who like thicker girls. Try to stay healthy for you, but you are not obligated to
    Lose anything for him. If your parents would have listened they would know you do not like each other. You could be drop dead gorgeous. Maybe he was forced too & is just unhappy. But looks aren't everything maybe you two just don't have a connection. You mind have been forced to physically marry but he can't be forced to love....you can't make yourself love someone. It's like you are playing house. What country are you in? I would love to talk to you more. Do you think you could make it work with him & be happy? Remember we do make sacrifices in life but our sacrifices should be short term & not long term. You sacrificed your dignity. Don't let th take anything else away. Can we chat? What are you going to do?

  6. Flower 1 can i ask a question? I want to get a better understanding of all this. I know someone in a similar situation. Im curious if the parents wanted the marriage then why wouldn't they also provide the financial support?

  7. You should never have married this man in the first place. Now, you are thinking of bringing a child into an unstable and loveless home. God forbid! You need to find someone who accepts and loves you.

Leave a Response