Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Married with a young son, and treated badly

mum and baby

Question:

Assalam o Alaikum. Mufti sahib.

I am in so difficult situation.

I got love married. My parents were not agree. I did my nikah secretly. Then reveal it afterwards to my parents. They were so good that they forgave me and got us married properly.

I went to my husband's home. They were a joint family. My mother in law was my aunty, means elder sister of my mother. All brother and sister in laws were younger than me. I worked there all the time from morning till evening. All work of the in laws and husband, pressed their cloths washing cloths and crockery cooking and sweeping etc. - I mean every single task of household. But my husband said me always that you did not do anything -get up and do every work of home -you always laid down on bed. I was hurted. I know it was not my responsibilty to serve every one there except my husband, but I did, only for the sake of Allah and husband.

But my husband remained unhappy with me. whenever I asked him for outing or to go outside for refreshment, he denied. After all he mistrusted me, criticised me always. He even forbade me to meet my mother and sister. He has forbidden me to attend my sisters wedding that is going to be held in a year in shaa Allah.

My marriage was held in 2013. My son is going to be one year this year. 

My inlaws always used to consider me unlucky for my husband because he did not go out for any job. I was dependant on my father inlaw's income. I did not have any privacy. I had a little room only for me there in which there was no air conditioner or cooler. Me and my husband stayed in the joint room with inlaws all the day and slept in between them. I slept in them when young brother in laws were also sleeping in the same room. I was insecure because of pardah. I always treated them as my family and mother. I served and lived them whole heartedly.

Now the problem is:

One week before I had a fight again with my husband that why don't you give me monthly maintenance or money for my and my son's needs.  He said like always that I will start earning when our plot will be sold. And I know there is no chance that this plot will ever get sold ever.

My son and I compromised in every condition there. We ate and lived on the money of my father in law for two years. But now for my son my patience has exceeded. When husband is not going to be responsible anyway. On the other hand he said me to get out of the home, and my mother in law and all the in laws behaved with me so harshly that I was about to weep. My health is so ruined by bearing tensions and hardships there. But no one is agree and happy with me.

I asked my husband that may I go to my parents home? He said me to go. Then I called my father and he brought me to my parents home. Now I am here for about  two weeks with my 11 month son. No one has called me yet. Now my parents decided that when my in laws or husband will come here for me, then they will ask for divorce. After all when he has not proven ever a husband nor ever fulfill my requirements, then there is no need to stay with him for whole life.

Now I am worried about myself. Please guide me what to do. I cannot live without him as I love him so much. But I am also annoyed by my inlaws too. He will not agree on seperate home also. I am seeking for a job also, because my father is not so able to meet my and my baby needs completely. Guide me please. What should I do?

Jazakallah

hadiageee

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13 Responses »

  1. i am sorry if i sounded harsh please forgive me for that..

    First thing you disobeyed your parents by getting married without their blessings. Now there is great matter of concern as it seems quit simple but how much it has deeply hurted your parents, they made you learn to walk and did everything for you and look how you paid them back.. Please ask forgiveness for your deeds from your Parents

    Plus now you are living with his child its your husband's responsibility to finance his son. and if he cant then you should find a job immediately as your parents cant afford. daughters should not suppose to be a burden for parents.

    Plus now if your In laws came then you should obey your parents this time plus in case of a divorce you should settle the matter of financing your son in written form.
    BEST OF LUCK
    P.S: Be a good daughter this time

    • This comment is strange. Where is the evidence that she hurt her parents deeply? She made a mistake by marrying secretly, but her parents forgave her and got her married properly. So why are you now trying to lay a guilt trip on her and implying that she is a bad daughter? SubhanAllah.

      Try to read the post carefully next time and respond to what is actually being said and asked, rather than some personal issue of your own that you impose on the situation.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • @ CareerMuslima what do you mean by " daughters should not suppose to be a burden for parents." ????

  2. Dear Sister

    I strongly advise you not to ask for divorce now but ask your parents to secretly start looking for a good person, who will accept a divorced woman. Your only option is to seek a job and than pray that you may find a person with good heart . Once you find that person, you may apply for the divorce safely.

    You have to tell us exactly how your love marriage was spoiled. How did your husband who was initially in love with you started misbehaving with you. Is he being brainwashed by his parents to do a second marriage of their liking or he is not feeling enough sexual intimacy?

    We need to find the exact reason and then see if we can find a solution to help you in making your husband realize the wrong he is doing.

    Remember that while you are away from your husband her parents will be secretly looking for your replacement too. So return to your husband's home immediately and do not apply for a divorce without finding a proper replacement.

    • As per islamic ruling it is forbidden for a man to propose marriage or search marriage proposal for a married woman as she is still married .Your suggestion about secretly searching a man for this married woman is not in line with islamic principles .

      • Dear

        Okay i forgot the application of that ruling in that case as i have studied it in the case of engagement. I agree with you that she should not secretly look for other proposals without a proper divorce. There is definitely an islamic ruling that once a proposal is accepted other should not be considered without the end of proposal.

  3. I'm disappointed by the lack of thoughtfulness in the comments so far.

    Sister, I'm sorry to hear that your marriage and your living situation have been so difficult. This is unfortunately a cultural thing in the subcontinent, that the woman becomes like a slave to her in-laws. It is not Islam.

    You have a right to receive basic maintenance and support from your husband for yourself and your child. You have a right to a private and secure sleeping place, so that you are not sharing your sleeping place with non-mahrem men. You have a right to be treated with respect and kindness, and to be loved by your husband.

    Since your husband will not agree to a separate home, I don't see what option you have other than divorce. The living situation with your in-laws is untenable. Also, I agree that getting a job is a good idea, so that you can support yourself. Perhaps you can start a business of some kind.

    May Allah aid you and help you and your child. Be strong and you can get through this difficult time.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Dear Wael

      I have inquired our sister as before to tell us exactly how her love marriage was spoiled. When did her husband who was initially in love with her started misbehaving with her. We need to know the exact reason. Is he being brainwashed by his parents to do a second marriage of their own liking or he is not feeling enough sexual intimacy or just being extremely lazy?
      The brainwash theory that came to my mind that the girl's parent forgave and accepted the marriage but the boy's parent did not forgive and accept her. Now they are pushing their son to get rid of her. Her husband could not bear the pressure by being in a joint family and instead threw all his frustration on her wife. Now he and his parents are pushing her purposely so that she may leave their son on her own and this is exactly what happened.

      They want that she asks for divorce herself and she is falling into their trap. This theory may sound crazy but if it is true then there must be some way she could bring her husband back on track instead of losing him.

    • Dear Wael

      I have another idea. As this is a love marriage then of course she must have met him on a a working place or university and she and her husband might have mutual friends.

      If you find it logical and within Islamic line, then she may ask her parents to contact any of these friends who is good nature and close to her husband then try to make her husband understand his wrong doings through them.

      Sometimes close friends can change each other in a way more effective than wife or parents.

  4. Assalaamualaikam

    I agree with the advice given by Br Wael. I will keep you in my duas and pray that your burdens are eased soon and that you are rewarded for your perseverence.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  5. Assalam alaikum,

    Br. Wael is correct.

    Dear Sister,
    Unfortunately, your story is ever so common in the Indian Subcontinent. Although you love your husband, he is not reciprocating and he does not have any respect for you but rather considers you his servant for himself and his family.

    I know it would be difficult to live with him in these conditions, but if you live with him, these are the ONLY conditions in which you would live. On the other hand, living on your own is not easy either. It literally is choosing between a rock and a hard place. Going back to live with your husband also means that if you have more children, you would be crammed in that one room and your children would suffer as well. This is not merely a decision of how you feel and not being able to live without your husband, but also it is about your children and their quality of life.

    Carefully examine all of your options and think critically--not just for yourself, but also your children. It may be that you have to negotiate with your husband that you will only accept living with him if you have separate accommodations, but he may altogether refuse all of your requests given what you have said before.

    It is not just the living conditions that you are compromising, but you are also compromising on basic respect that an individual needs to have. Your requests are completely valid, but the culture that you are living is not ready to accept your requests.

    I would suggest that if you are qualified, get a job, take care of your son and stand up for yourself. Do not accept this sort of treatment. You never know, perhaps your husband will change, but you can't expect that if you are not willing to change and improve your own conditions. Inn shaa Allah, you will find the strength and courage. Don't give up.

    May Allah swt shower you with His blessings and aid you during this difficult trial, Ameen.

  6. As Salam O Alaikum

    Sister, by ALLAH s (swt) grace your husband atleast allowed you to return back to your parents. Would have you been with them more you would have been troubled every second. Alhomdulliah Rabbil Alameen you are now with your parents

    Now coming to the point. If you are well educated to meet your and small angels needs them you should acquire the first job whichever you get hired for. Dont look for options just go for it. It wont just meet your needs but also will give you immemse satisfaction that you arent depended on anyone. And trust me or not the moment you start working and your Husband and In laws come to know about that they will come running to you and at that very moment you must strictly say a NO - NO . Because the way you said your husband is waiting for a property to be sold off shows how lazy and greedy the person can be. Who is completely dependant on something which he never earned by his ownself. Really astonishing.

    Please dont keep thinking about what happened. Rather think and do what needs to be done for Present and Future of your Son. Time never runs away if you utilise it wisely. So you have ample time to get back on the right track. Give time for yourself and dont hurry into marrying someone else. Marriage is not the one and only purpose in this Life.

    Rest. ALLAH MAALIK

    Best wishes to you. Lots of wishes and Duas for your Son. May ALLAH bless him with all the Love he deserves always. Ameen.
    Sum Ameen

  7. Dear Sister

    I will sum up all the suggestions here. You have two possible outcomes here, divorce or reconciliation. In both outcomes you must have a good job.

    1. Divorce
    Let us assume you apply for divorce and you get success, then what about the custody of child. What are the rules for custodianship in your region? You need to find these rules before even thinking about divorce. Then let us assume that after divorce you are left with a son and a good working job. Then you will definitely search for a new partner. Since you cannot seek proposals before divorce as supported by hadith(Thanks to Illogical for correcting me). I do not know that if that applies on your case as you are in a state of a non verbal separation.

    It was narrated from Abu Hurairah that the Prophet said:
    "None of you should propose marriage to a woman when someone else has already proposed to her.
    Reference : Sunan an-Nasa'i 3242
    In-book reference : Book 26, Hadith 47
    English translation : Vol. 4, Book 26, Hadith 324

    You will have a hard time getting a decent and suitable partner. First of all you will be divorced(places you in 2nd rating) and secondly you are with a son (places you in third rating). Having a good job will slightly improve your rating but not much.

    2. Reconciliation

    As you have already said in your post " I cannot live without him as I love him so much". A part of yourself wishes to reconcile with him. That means that particular person needs to be changed by some method. There are two ways
    (i) Ask your parents to contact any friend who is good nature and close to your husband then try to make your husband understand his wrong doings through them.

    (ii) No father will give his daughter to a person who is so lazy and is without a job so he may return to bring you back now as suggested by "Aeliah". You must clearly state your conditions for returning as that your husband
    (a) Get a job or start some business
    (b) Buy some cheap and rented separate house.

    Do not return to that hell and to a lazy husband. I also strongly advice not to let your parents speak for divorce to your inlaws at this stage but instead fight to transform your home and husband.

    We all in the forums wish that your husband gets transformed into a sensible person and you guys restart your love story again in a separate house.

    Lesson
    Dear brother and sisters of teh forum save this story in your bookmark so that we may show other love-birds the harmful results of secret nikaah, which was done without the consultancy of parents. Had she informed her parents before marriage, they might have checked the background of this guy and did not let their daughter fell into this hell-pit.

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