Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband is not good to me and now I like another man

I have been married for 7 years and have 3 wonderful children. The problem is with my husband. In the first year of marriage he and his family threw me out of their home twice.

The first time was because I wasn't happy with him going out all the time and dissapearing for hours. This caused arguments between us, his mother thought that i didn't have any right to question him in anyway. He and his family came up with a contract which I had to sign. In this contract, I was not allowed to ask him any questions about his where abouts, I was not allowed to see or speak to my mother or other family without his permission. He had nothng to do with me for 4 months. He would only take me back if I signed this contract.

The second time was whilst I was pregnant with my first child, we were seperated for about 5 months. During this time, my father passed away, and my husband didn't even bother to call me. Again it was me that wanted to work things out. When we got back together he was even worse. He would go out all day and leave me sitting at home alone, he was so mean and nasty. He would say that i'm fat and ugly, he would get enjoyment from me crying. He said a number of time that he doesn't care about my feelings.

The last time he threw me out was 2 years ago. This time i had 3 children (my baby was only 10 days old). At around this time he was recieving txt messsages from another woman. He did'nt sleep with me for 8 months whilst we where still living together. He seemed quite content with just seeing his children on the weekends. He told me that he did not want me and that i should look for someone else.

We are now living together as i wanted to try to make things work for my children's sake. I've tried to keep the past in the past but recently i keep thinking about it. I just don't love him anymore and I know I dont want to be with him any longer.

I've recently developed feelings for someone else, i don't want to commit a sin but i dont know what I should do???  My husband will never change, he has said that. He just cant wait to get out of the house, even when i am ill he just go out and leaves me to look after the children. He does'nt love me or care about me.

Can anyone give me advice on what I should do? Or has anyone been in the same situation?

- smiley

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2 Responses »

  1. As Salaam U Alaikum.

    Firstly I advise you do not speak or look at another man whilst you are someone's wife. He may be in the wrong and encouraging you to do this, but the shaytaan will win and you will not be happy in the end.

    So make sure you do NOT under any circumstances socialise or contact any man whilst you are still married.

    It seems your husband doesn't care about you at all, throwing a woman out of the house and that too with a new born baby, it would take only a cold heartless man to do this if he had no reason to (maybe there is a reason but you haven't stated it). Either way throwing a woman out is inexcusable. As for not calling you upon hearing about the death of your father, what goes around comes around, if he does not care about the death of others, then no one will care about his death, you should try to explain to him how big of an issue not showing compassion to mankind is, but not least his wife, of all the people in this world, who he should give so much compassion to.

    Now that he's made it quite clear he wants to end it and to move and allow you to move on, if you try one more time and make sure it's really want he wants (I dare not encourage you to divorce, I fact pray you work out things with him and that he can change, maybe just maybe). If there is no hope, then ask for a divorce, wait for the waiting period to end and then make plans for the future but not with the man you like right now. The man you like right now, is obviously not doing something right by speaking to anothers wife.

    I cannot speak from personal experience, but I can speak from what I've seen in this world. When a man shows that kind of disrespect to his wife, where he doesn't even take her tears into account, he is a lost man and he needs to be shown the light again.

    I have seen how a woman's tears can bring an entire household to standstill, if my own mother were to cry, you could feel the emptiness in the house for days on end. So I feel for you sister I do.

    I hope though you don't end in divorce, I really hope he can change and things work out, but it seems very unlikely based on his character.

    We shall all pray for you and especially your children who will inevitably suffer the most at the end of this all.

  2. Your issue seems very clear sister. You and your husband need to be divorced. You are trangressing the limits of your marriage. The purpose of marriage is to be a cover, a place of tranquility and comfort. You can not nuture or care for your children appropriately in the environment you are in. I strongly advise you do Istikahara, ask Allah swt to Guide you to what is good and make your decision. However, as I said an outsider looking in, this marriage is very destructive to the well being of children. Children need a mental secure/stable home to be in... you cannot possible be in the right state of mind under such circumstances. Your husband has made his position very clear. If you say you are doing it for the children; please don't. This is not helping them.
    Provided they have contact with their father and maintain a relationship with him, as well as one with you, they suffer no loss. They have more to lose now then they do if you were divorced.

    May Allah swt protect you from the whisperings of Shaytaan, and guide you to what is good for you in this life and the hereafter.. Ameen

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