Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is haram if I marry a man and I feel for another one?

 unexistent relationship, shadows,

I'm in a very difficult dilemma... I met this boy one year ago, he seemed the perfect match, we both agreed to keep it the halal way,  no touching etc. We love and respect each other a lot but the problem is  that lately my mother has been giving me hints saying she's going to find me a boy and that I shall get married soon...

I don´t know what to do, the boy is  arab and I am a pakistani girl and we are from 2 different worlds, my mother refuses to listen to me. I've spoken to the boy about it and he is willing to get engaged with me but my mum and father refused to.

Now, I´m worried  if I do get married to whom my parents wish me too..what if i still have feelings for him or what if i still think about him..would that be haraam?

I want to live my life as a good muslim wife..a good mother a good daughter..but this problem is getting me very stressed, he keeps coming to me..It will get better I pray, inshallah ..but I can't think anyone else who I rather would be with..then him..I truly do love him..I know love doesn´t exist before marriage but we share a special bond... this is serious, it isn´t a joke.

Can someone please help me..or give me advice, please.  I would appreciate it a lot.

- Leyla

Tagged as: , ,

16 Responses »

  1. Salaams Sister

    If the boy is muslim and has a good character, I don't see why your parents should refuse him. Maybe you should suggest to him that he speaks to your dad. Or that his dad, speaks to your dad. Did you read istikaarah? Let your parents know that you are willing to read istikaarah and let them know the outcome. Your parents are concerned about you and they don't want you to fall into the wrong persons hands. Maybe they could find out more about him/ his family just to be reassured that he is on the right path.


  2. Salam Sister

    To answer your question if you marry a man and you have feelings for another is not haram. For you to love a person isn't haram, but if you show your love e.g. kissing, touching and even verbally saying i love you is haram. Ask the boy to ask for your hand and if your parents disagree with it tell him to keep trying. I think you should get married with this man and convince your parents to agree. The boy has to be muslim in order for you to get married with him. Cultural or background shouldn't really be a problem, persuade your parents, ask Allah for help and dua constantly and do righteous deeds. I recommend for you to do Istikhara to see if this boy is the right boy fro you. Inshallah Allah will help you.

    Hopefully the editors of the site may give better advise

  3. Assalam aleykum sister..

    Just talk with your mum and explain to her that someone else has shown interest in you and wants to make it formal..
    In islam we are only one culture, I fail to understand why people use culture and islam on the same sentence. If an Arab muslim wants to marry a pakistan muslim, y the objection? The key word is "Muslim.".May Allah make it easy for us all to remember that we are muslims first before any other culture..

  4. I am in same position the different is he is my ex, i really needs words to walk in this fate
    i want to accept what allah swt decree for me, i just don't know how to not have the feeling towards my ex which is only put in my heart

    i would apreciate and thanks if anyone can give a words

    • i wish there are someone who can give me insight, i am in state of freeze don't know what to do just in the bed my husband knows this he understand ( he lived abroad ) but can't do anything too

      • Assalamu alaykum Sister Muslimah,

        If you ask from an Islamic perspective as this site is : and not just a relationship advice website, I would like you to to ponder upon the Islamic side of the matter.

        In Islam, we are required to keep utmost purity of body and integrity of character. No lapse here or there, else it would be straying away from the Straight Path of Allah. I hope you understand what I mean to convey to you.

        As far as any boyfriend-girlfriend relationship prior to marriage is in question (even if it be pure and all and nothing haraam we do) each and every person who has had it in past and is having it in present should immediately stop it, repent to allah with a sincere repentance and promise not to get in to it again.

        About the continuing relation (if someone Muslim is involved in it) then it must be brought to the point of Marriage. Immediately families from both sides should be brought in to picture and a solution must be sought - whether marriage is on the cards or not. If marriage happens, they get together may have as much fun, love, anything good they wish together. If marriage does not happen - how can a Muslim girl and boy remain girlfriend-boyfriend and say we do not do anything haraam? When their being in unnecassary contact, friendship is in itself a transgression.

        Most of us in young age happen to come across this situation, not only the young, but the older ones as well, and we give in to our desires, which we term as "love" and then we step on the first step of going astray,to a path other than the Path of Allah.

        So dear sister, if you speak about Allah, this act of mixing between girls and boys before marriage is displeasing to Allah and should be avoided as much as possible.

        Below verses of Surah Baqarah speak about an evil man, than a good man and then Allah's wonderful call to Islam and a warning to gaurd ourselves from Shaytaan:

        206. And when it is said unto him: Be careful of thy duty to Allah, pride taketh him to sin. Hell will settle his account, an evil resting place.
        207. And of mankind is he who would sell himself, seeking the pleasure of Allah; and Allah hath compassion on (His) bondmen.
        208. O ye who believe! Come, all of you, into submission (unto Him); and follow not the footsteps of the devil. Lo! he is an open enemy for you.

        Choose for yourself .Which of the two you want to be? What do you want to do?

        Again, Allah warn's us of not even stepping in to the footsteps of Shaytaan in Surah An Nuur:

        21. O ye who believe! Follow not the footsteps of the devil. Unto whomsoever followeth the footsteps of the devil, lo! he commandeth filthiness and wrong. Had it not been for the grace of Allah and His mercy unto you, not one of you would ever have grown pure. But Allah causeth whom He will to grow. And Allah is Hearer, Knower.

        So sister turn to Allah. Turn away from Shaytaan and his temptations. As Shaytaan only wants to decieve us.

        Would you like to know what Satan does? How he works? He will say on Day of Judgment as Allah reveals in Surah Ibrahiim:

        22. And Satan saith, when the matter hath been decided: Lo! Allah promised you a promise of truth; and I promised you, then failed you. And I had no power over you save that I called unto you and ye obeyed me. So blame me not, but blame yourselves. I cannot help you, nor can ye help me. Lo! I disbelieved in that which ye before ascribed to me. Lo! for wrong doers is a painful doom.
        23. And those who believed and did good works are made to enter Gardens underneath which rivers flow, therein abiding by permission of their Lord, their greeting therein: Peace!

        Choose for yourself a way to your Lord, He has shown you both ways. It's up to you.

        Devote your time and attention to Allah and the Qur'an and worship Him some part of the night.

        You may read my posts to other questions, Insha Allah, they will also relate to you turning towards Allah.


        * * *

        Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.

      • Assalamu alaykum Sister Muslimah,

        If you are already married, then you should work towards your marriage rather than thinking of the past person.

        My advice is you should try hard to love your husband. As per your psychology, try to work out best responses within yourself which would make you forget ex and get more attached to your husband.

        Read the Qur'an a great deal. Try to forget the person, am sure you do. So just devote your time to your husband, speak often on the phone, develop friendship with him, most importantly - allow yourself to be his.

        Hope this helps. Do not think about ex, it is not something good and Shaytaan whispers in to us, but remember Allah, pray salaat and forget the "ex" factor.

        May Allah make it easy for you and make your married life a happy one.

        If your husband is abroad, try to get closer and start to live with him. Long distance for long time is not good for both, as we have seen many questioners having problems with long distance married life.

        Hope Insha allah everything will work out well for you and your husband.


        * * *

        Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.

        • waalaikumsalam,

          Thank you brother, he is my ex husband and maybe because i still love him he was my first man i know and put dream on and we just find out that we both have the same feeling still and he is not married yet.

          • So do you want to marry him again Sister?

            What do you both wish to do?

          • no brother I don't want to marry him again we all realize that would not happen only by the willing from Allah SWT and know what is sin and not. it just we human being that sometimes have passion and expectation but things happen under our control

            we know just through the day trying to lived right we don't know what Allah SWT will in the next not easy to hold the feeling but in the same time we know what is right and not.
            I try to block it coz we know its not right. .. coz there are a time i want to make contact with my ex in the name of some thing we need to finish but i realize this is the test whether to follow my desire which is Allah swt don't like or hold on to the rope of allah SWT to do what He likes

            like I told you i just need strength and reminder to keep me on the right path as like you told I need to focus on my husband now. i need a reminder that sometimes we need to accept and lived as allah SWT decree not to lived as what we wanted

          • Assalamu alaykum Sister Muslimah,

            Good to know that. As your question was not clear before I couldn't get to the core of the problem.

            Yes sister, cut all unnecessary contact with your ex.

            If he has feelings or not is no concern for you , because you are married to someone and Allah, Our Lord, has been made a surety in your marriage and in His name you claim rights over one another.

            So, Masha Allah you have the reminder from Allah - Al Qur'an, Al Kareem. You may keep on reading it and gaining mercy and healing for your heart Insha Allah.


            * * *

            Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.

    • As salamu alaykum, muslimah10,

      I have to tell you first that you should log in and write your question separately, but it seems this car has begun to move already, then I am going to give you a different approach, I am sure there is a reason why you married your second husband, and other reason why you divorced your first one.

      If your actual husband is abroad is normal that the bug of loneliness and memories bites your flesh, but remember the reasons I told you before and give an opportunity to your husband, insha´Allah.

      Your ex misses you and his thoughts are making you feel frozen, you cannot move in any direction, this is a sign of negativity around, positive feelings, helps you to move forward, Alhamdulillah, this is a good sign to recognize we are moving in the right direction.

      Now, solutions, please get out of bed, and brush your body with your hand until is warm, move your body freely a bit, now have a shower, put yourself pretty, prepare a good meal and be strong to fulfill your duties.

      I would like to ask you if you can pray at night before going to bed the same our beloved Prophet (saw) , recite surat 112,113,114, three times, ayat al Kursi and Al-Fatiha once.

      Do your salat on time, don´t listen to the whispers of Shaytaan, it is important to do our prayers, better on time, you know what helps me the most, when the time of prayer comes, I visualize in my mind all the brothers and sisters of all the world doing the same I am preparing to do, we all go to the encounter of Allah(swt) at the same time, with the same prayers, maybe one more conscious than the other, maybe one stronger than the other, maybe one ..... than the other, but at the time we are there in front of Him(swt) we all come to Him as the same brothers and sisters, we balance each other, we help each other, we will be one for the other through all the world wherever we are, we are connected to be with Him(swt) isn´t this one of the most wonderful blessings we have to treasure in this world?, then my sister when I go to pray, I see you at my side as I see all my brothers and sisters through all the world, Alhamdulillah.

      I am going to share with you this links, this will help you to go deeper in your salat, insha´Allah:

      33 ways of developing khushu in salah.

      You can also read this beautiful salah series by Jinan Bastaki.

      Your husband is your present, your exhusband is your past, you will always love him, but now he is your past, don´t let the whispers of Shaytan astray you, you are married you have to be loyal to your husband, tell your ex-husband to respect you as the married woman you are and respect your husband that is not here to defend you and himself. Be straight my beloved muslimah, Allah(swt) will reward your efforts, insha´Allah.

      Please if you want a different approach log in and submit your question. Thank you.
      All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

      María Editor

      • Assalamu alaykum Sisters,

        Sister Muslimah asked for a reminder and Sister Maria mentioned salaat on time.

        One thing about salaat which recently came in to my mind a few days back was that Allah says in the Qur'an repeatedly : On that Day He would call you, and you would emerge from the earth and all would be gathered to Him.

        Masha Allah, when adhaan is heard, we hear Allah's call and we move out from our different offices, shops, homes, from different directions and come to the Masjid and are gathered and arrange ourselves in rows standing before The Beneficent. Is is not a small trailer and reminder of our gathering before Allah on that Day?

        Khushu in salaat, humility / humbleness in prayer is brought so well by the Qur'an. I did not read any books or lectures on it, but when I read the Qur'an and go for salaat, and when Surah Fatiah is recited or I recite it in heart, imagine the world a bit different from Sister Maria, she sees brothers and sisters praying around the world. I see the world, universe, the huge vast creation of Allah, and above it Allah's mercy,the galaxies, huge, and packed with stars and spacial object, their powerlessness and submission before Allah, how Allah is encompassing whole "mankind" and how the cities, billions of people in the world are moving around, vehicles, flights, ships moving around, animals moving around in forests and streets and the birds in sky and the seas kept filled in the rotating earth and how well all this preserved by Allah and He is encompassing all things in Mercy and knowledge. Automatically the huge scenes of the vast creation of Allah and His universal power arouse a fear of Allah, and make me stand in Awe of Him and makes the whole experience such a refreshing one that I feel dissociation from the world and feel the Mighty Presence of Allah's knowledge and power over His creation.

        Sister Muslimah, keep reading the Qur'an and get closer to nature. Open our window at night and look at the stars and the vast sky, look at the rising sun and the moon following it and open internet and look at the space, look at the images of earth, look at the measuring of Allah, His Perfection in Creation. And praise Him. Allah loves such slaves and also makes a special mention of them in the Qur'an:

        190. Lo! In the creation of the heavens and the earth and (in) the difference of night and day are tokens (of His sovereignty) for men of understanding,
        191. Such as remember Allah, standing, sitting, and reclining, and consider the creation of the heavens and the earth, (and say): Our Lord! Thou createdst not this in vain. Glory be to Thee! Preserve us from the doom of Fire
        - Surah al Imraan.

        When you see the signs of Allah and fall in self submission before His glory, Insha Allah, you will taste the sweetness of Tawhid and the Truth in the words of Allah.


        * * *

        Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.

        • Walaykum as salam, brother Munib,

          Certainly this is a wider way of looking at it, Masha´Allah. I highly appreciate you share it with us, your way of seeing it enrichens me. Alhamdulillah.



      • Jazakallah for both of you, you were right he will always in my heart..
        it takes time by log in sis i have to wait for months while i need the response soon as its been days i mostly just want to stay at bed, cry and no energy don't have urge to not even eat..

        • Assalamu alaykum,

          No problem sister.

          Consider about reading Qur'an a great deal. Make it a habit to read it for a few hours a day, Insha Allah it will have a positive impact on you.

          Allah has given it as a cure for your wounds. So take the Qur'an - your healing. So take it up and read and save yourself from this distress.

          Until and unless a Muslim does not turn to Allah and His revelations, how will he / she find a way ahead?

          So hear advice O sister and turn to Allah.


          * * *

          Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.

Leave a Response