Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I marry behind my parents back, now I regret due to her past.

broken marriage

As salam walaikum, i have a problem please guide  me. I am from India and my family is very traditional ,  I like one girl to marry, she is a Muslim, she is from Indonesia. i did not tell my parents and i went to her country to watch the culture and her traditions for better understanding, and i did one mistake we did sex,  that matter this girl family knows and they ask marring to her and i was agreed and i married. After that i came back to my home country and I told  my mother, i like that girl and i want marry. I hid all details, i lie to my parents.

Everyday i call her to ask how she is and i miss her lot, and she was also and one more important  matter is she have a boyfriend before me and she told me that before marrying me, at the moment, I accepted it but after cause me problems and i force to her to talk to  me about her past, and after some time she was agree and she told me about her past, i was shock after i know every thing. She was gone for work in Saudi Arabia, there she had a boyfriend and they stay together for some months as a husband & wife relation without marriage, one day this man did not like  her, they separated.

After that  she make a one more boyfriend and they  married, after some time they talak  and finally she came back to her home country and she make one more boy friend and made a sex  and this boy also gone, I don´t know if this behaviour is normal and after that i met her and we are married.

i asked to her why your hide this all details before we married,  she told me she is worry to lost me. Now I hate her and then I forgive her, I don´t know what to do, I am human is too stressful, sometimes I want to leave her but I don´t want to do to her what others have done, she told me, she wants to change her attitude, she was very religious in front of me. How do I believe her now, how do I know she is good, I can´t. I want a good wife and a good life, would she be good for me. My family doesn´t know about her or my marriage.

please help me give a good suggestion please i am waiting for your  message.

fayaz


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9 Responses »

  1. As salamu alaykum, brother fayaz,

    What to tell you that you don´t know already, you will spend all your life thinking she lied to you and she and her family took advantage of your "inocence" and they did, after you took advantage of her "inocence", this is a one for the other one.

    You did it wrong and your suffering is the cost of it, you acted behind your parents, which is wrong and now if you decide to divorce or not, you will have to tell them, this is going to affect their trust towards you for a while and you deserve it, be honest, take everything as it comes and try to be your best through all this struggles.

    If I was you before taking any decision, I will make gushl, I will repent from Heart for all what I ´ve done(you have a link on tawbah on top of the page), I will pray on time, I will learn to do Istikhara and I will look for Allah(swt) guidance, closer you get to Allah(swt) clearer will be the answer, and then I will take a decision. You have to take your own decisions, I won´t tell you divorce or not, I will guide you to take your own decisions in the best way I know. Now you are ready to talk to your parents and to let her know about your decisions, be calm and conscious of where you have been and where you want to be. This will be a reassurance of your wish of returning to the straight Path.

    I know this is quite harsh, but ask her if she has a test on STD done before being with you, you have to think on this too.

    Forgive her, you divorce her or not, ask Allah(swt) to help you but find the path of forgiveness to be able to move on.

    You have learnt the lesson, I hope that the ones that read your post will learn from it, insha´Allah.

    Get closer to Allah(swt) this way you will put great distance between you and evil situations, insha´Allah.

    All my Unconditional Respect,

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Brother, you are really in a mess here. As Sister Maria has pointed out, you have to be very honest with yourself. Go through the following questions, and honestly answering them will help you make a decision I believe:

    01. Today you are having trouble accepting this girl thinking about her past, but do you not think that those guys who took of her advantage were exactly like you? Because you also have had sex with her out of wedlock.

    02. Marriage is not a game. This is something serious. If you were serious about marriage, you would have not have sex with the girl before marriage. Period. But you had. This is not a light mistake. This mistake is a clear indication that you probably married her only for lust. This is your lust which has prompted you to marry at the back of your parents without doing any research of her background. I understand that accepting a past like that of her is difficult, but before you put all the blame on this girl, do you not think that you should equally blame yourself too for not doing research, marrying for lust, and having had sex with this girl out of wedlock?

    03. Even if you divorce her and marry a virgin, will that virgin deserve your past of having sex with a girl out of wedlock?

  3. Assalamu alaykum Fayaz,

    Wow. The Virgin in the center again.

    Anyways, brother, repent to Allah, we all need to, Allah is Forgiving, Merciful.

    Brother, this is why Islam forbids mixing of men and women. It leads to great sins.

    Brother, you should know that not all people are able to control sexual desires, not all people's life and conditions are same and not all have the same mental and physical make up. We all are different. Yet we are bound by laws of Allah and His limits, huduudullaah, which if we transgress, we go astray and fall in to sins.

    Brother, she may have been fooled by some and she may have chosen some to marry and would have been in sexual relations. Some people are just unable to live without a man or a woman in life. These people should get married quickly if they fear zina or else, they would fall in to the great sin and she got married and divorced, may be someone wanted to just use her.

    Brother, I see you have a golden chance here. You are already married, now repent to Allah for the wrong you did, ask her to repent to Allah too. You have a chance to do tawbah and become more pious than before and she has the chance to do the same. You both can infact be a lovely Islamic couple.

    But you need to do what Allah commands else nothing but going astray. So Brother, take advantage of this oppurtunity to turn in repentance and come out as successful in dunya and aakhirah.

    Allah says in the Qur'an in the best expression to describe what spouses are for each other and what is their important role in marriage:

    187. It is made lawful for you to go unto your wives on the night of the fast. They are raiment for you and ye are raiment for them.......(Surah Baqarah).

    This raiment, rida, something to cover is not an ordinary covering, we have sexual needs, which are fulfilled by spouses in a halaal way and one need not look for it outside marriage and get in to sin, this is a covering, a protection from that great sin of zina. Enjoy each other, but only in marriage, as enjoyment outside marriage is nothing but the devil's deception which leads to the Fire.

    May Allah make you both enjoyable for each other and victorious in dunya and aakhirah. Turn to Him for help. Do not leave her alone. Bring her to your home or you go to her country. Else it may lead to more fitna. Act before it is too late.

    Salaam,
    Your brother.

  4. Assalam aleikum brother, brother relax a bit on the judging her if she repented,
    think about this, you met her and had sex with her before marriage, that was a sin, simillar to the sins she has done in the past, so try to accecpt and forgive. and atleast her family knows about your marriage but your family dont know about the marriage. brother i think you need to examine yourself and realise that you have made some pretty big mistakes and you are still making them( because your parents dont know about the marriage or the sex before marriage), on the other hand she has repented and stopped her sins!

  5. asalamualaikum, i am an indian . i am in love with a indonesian girl. we both are muslim. can i marry her.

    • There are no barriers of nationality or race in Islam. People of any nationality can marry each other. - Wael, IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • realy thanks mr wael, may i know what are the formalites . and from where we can get married. i realy hope you response. please let me know.

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