Islamic marriage advice and family advice

They want me to marry a gambler or an alcoholic.

Rainbow in a brown sky


I am a muslim girl, 24 years old. I want to marry a guy but my family is not allowing me to do so. My father had died 9 years ago, my uncle (father's brother) and elder brother are my guardian,they don't like the guy and his family. The have a lot of objection about him, but I love him lot, he is really a nice guy and I can´t be happy with anyone except him. My mother and brother don't listen to me at all they are totally in my uncle´s favour, they have accused me of having illegal relation with the guy and also they said that I have secretly done nikah with him. They have abused me, tortured me.

As a reaction, being aggressive and hurt by their blames, I have went to my grand parents (my mother's family) and tell them everything, they have listened to me, I have told them some really bad things about my mother, brother and uncle, I told them that my uncle used to gamble, drink wine and also my brother used to drink, my mother secretly meet his brother-in-law, they don't have any sense of religion. All these things are true but now I repent that I should not tell them about their misdeeds, I should have concentrated on my marriage issue only, after listening to me they said that my family is doing wrong to me, they discussed all the matter with my mother, but she put the whole blame on me. she has also mixed up lot of lies to make her story powerful, now they are also against me and in favour of my mother.

I am feeling sorry for unveiling their bad deeds. Now, everyone refused to help me in this regard,  feeling helpless and alone I have decided to leave that guy, I thought I should sacrifice my happiness for my family, now my mother and brother is forcing me to apologize to my uncle, he is really a bad man, used to gamble, drink wine, and also committed zina. Apologizing to him means to prove him right and myself as wrong. I´m  confused what to do now, I have done nothing wrong except unveiling some wrong deeds of my family. I need your advice, I don't want to live with my family. I hate all the relations.

Should I apologize to them for talking against them or not, should I stay here or go away. My mother also using black magic against me.  She tease me all the time by saying that you have done this and that.  The type of guys they select for me also like my uncle. If I'll marry someone according to their will, then it will spoil my Imaan and my life hereafter as well.No one understands my problem.Everybody hates me, they'll never forgive me. 

I´m so much depressed that sometimes I think of committing suicide but then I  think that this life is a gift of ALLAH(swt) and I don't have any right to finish this life.  My brother works with my unlce and all the hold is in the hands of my uncle he has trapped my brother so well that he doesn't want to listen anything against the uncle.

Please advice me what to do. I should prefer my Imaan or I should sacrifice for my family and marry according to their will?


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4 Responses »

  1. Salaam sister. . . I feel so sad when i read ur story. . . . (1) as regard ur uncle, if at all what u said about him is true, i will not advice u 2 apologise 2 him coz he is a bad man and d people u reported 2 are in good position 2 correct him... . . . . . . . . (2) as regard u marrying dat drunker. . I will like u 2 consider few things. . If at all u know dat staying with dat drunker will in any way affect ur imaan and ur relationship with Allah.. I will strongly advice u 2 do ur utmost 4 dat marriage not 2 hold. . . U ve 2 know dat u cannot obey ur family in favour of disobeying Allah.. . . . Another thing is if at all u know u dont love d drunker and u know ur dislike will reflect on the marrital relationship btw u guys (ie u wont satisfy him with all ur responsibity as a wife), pls do ur utmost 2 get rid of dat marraige even it means going 2 higher authority., but b4 taking dis step u ve 2 make sure u ve someone by ur side dat is willing 2 marry u... . . . . . . . . . . . Sister, marriage is all about love, happiness, rest of mind and upbringing wanderfull and religious children., and u can only achieve dis when u marry someone u love, cherish, care for and understand him much (and vice vasa) . . . . . U are old 2 make decisions 4 ur self. . . At least u can't just marry someone and b in depression and sufferness. . . . . . . . . Even during d life time of d prophet, there was a woman dat came 2 d prophet and complain bitterly about her guadian forcefully marrying her 2 someone she don't like, and d prophet terminate d marriage..

  2. Assalaamu alaykum Sister,

    Whatsoever is Allah's will, He makes it happen. So seek His help and surely you shall be of the victorious.

    I advice you to concentrate more on salaat and engage more in thanking and praising Allah. Ask Allah for Sabr and good for dunya and aakhirah to come your way.

    Keep on asking until He provides for you from His presence someone good enough to take care of you.

    Read lot of Qur'an - make learning and spreading Islam as a major purpose of your life. Devote time to Deen. Insha Allah, dunya will also come back on track.

    Read Qur'an, ponder upon it's verses, pray tahajjud and seek Allah's blessings.

    Most important: Keep Sabr - The cure for a Muslim's misery.

    If you need any further help/ advice, do let us know.

  3. salaam aleykum sister,

    I'm sorry to hear about your situation. But always remember my dear, that suicide is not the way out of problems. Allah swt sees all that we do, He sees our worries, He sees our intentions and our heart. He gives us strength when we felt lost. Focus on Him and strengthen your iman.

    I advice you to frequently visit your local mosque if you have one. Praying there will give you comfort and relief from the stress you have at home and around your family.

    hmmmm, i think its right what you said, its not the best action of you to tell bad things about your mother and family. Remember how important your mother is in the eyes of Allah swt. If she has done bad things, then forgive her and be a good daughter.
    This doesnt mean ofcourse that you should ever let yourself be pushed into bad things, that you should accept anything else then the words of Allah and that you should obey her in case that she wants something of you that is against islam.
    Remember that Allah swt hates black magic. And remember that no one can curse someone without the help of Allah. So your mother cant just curse you or use black magic on you. Those things work only for those fool enough to believe in it.

    As i see it the only thing you have done wrong is to spreak bad words aobut your family. For this i advice you to repent to Allah. Its my opinion that in case your uncle did the things you say, there is no need to apologize. On the other hand, it would be a good thing for you to admit that although what you said about him was true, its not a good thing that you said it.

    Sweet sister, marriage is half your deen. Your husband will be your day and night. You will share with him all your happiness and sadness and you will hvae your own family with him inshallah. So choose wisely and never let you be pressed into a marriage that you believe wil not work becoz the man drinks alcohol or gambles. Those things are strictly forbidden in islam.

    I see that you are not happy living with your family. My advice is to start a serious search for a pious and respectful muslim husband. By a marriage to him, you can take a little distance from your family and their bad habits. Untill you found such a man, be patient with your family. Dont go along with any bad acts, but remember that your patience towards them and the way you tolerate them, will always be seen by Allah swt.

    I wish you good luck, dont give up, dont let them get you down, let your sadness or anger make you stronger in your iman. Show them what a pious muslima is and how happy the path of islam makes you.

    I love you for the sake of Allah swt

    salaam aleykum

  4. Bismillah al rahman al raheem,

    As-salam alykum sister,

    The previous advices are very good...especially the part about Sabr - Patience!!

    What you are going through sister is a TEST.....Imagine yourself if you would have fallen in the same sins and attitudes as you have described about your closest family and would have become like one of them.....So this is a blessing in itself, that you are trying not to fall into this kind of life style.

    In order to pass this test and make life easier for must start becoming closer to Allah in every way you can.....Salah and Dua, searching for pious people around your community...... in order to increase your Patience and in order to have HOPE for an outcome to your problem and inshallah to have a better future.

    Who knows, maybe someday from the patience and guidance you will will actually pull one of your family or relatives closer to you, and they will leave this life of sin or lack of religion and will open their eyes to the always pray for your family that Allah may guide them to a better life.

    If you seriously believe your mother is using any type of magic.......remember that Prophet Mohammed p.b.u.h. said: (whoever recites the last two verses of the chapter called the Cow, they will suffice him). This means that they will protect him from every evil. Again seeking refuge in Allah and remembering his name is an effective protection against all evils including magic. Two main supplications are recommended in this respect. They are:
    I seek refuge in the complete words of Allah from the evils of what He created;
    In the name of Allah through whose name nothing on earth or in heaven can cause any harm.
    If these two prayers are recited three times in the beginning of the day and in the beginning of the night, then no harm or evil will approach the reciter by the grace of Allah (S.W.T).....There are also other Dua and supplications that can be recited in this issue and can be found online.

    So sister have patience with your mother, try to get closer to her....tell her how you feel about what she or others are doing.....In other words try to win her over to your side, assuming you are on the righteous side, and show her also mercy and respect, pray for her.........But remember obedience to parents is obligatory, unless they tell you to disobey Allaah, in which case you are not obliged to obey them, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no obedience if it involves disobedience towards Allaah, rather obedience is only in matters that are right and proper.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 6830;

    Finally, in Islam.... no one can force you to marry someone you do not want. Inshallah if you have passed this test...Allah will reward you with a husband that is best for you.....and my prayers are with you.

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