Should I marry him or leave him? I feel guilty for playing with him
ASSALAMULAIKUM FRIENDS..I'm sana.
My Problem starts at the age of eighteen years. I belong to a muslim family having a good background and mother was very religious. Father was not so much into islam. I was having freedom and was brought up in a free atmosphere. When I was in eleventh class I made a online friend who was hindu. We became friends and then fell in love, but the guilt that he was hindu never left my mind. I entered college and made friends. I was in contact with the hindu guy but was not thinking of my future with him. Another boy from my college fell in love with me from the very beginning. I ignored him as I was commited to someone else, then after much of his pressure I again fell in love with him after 2yrs because he ws a muslim guy. I didnt tell him about the hindu guy and continued with him. The hindu guy cried for me a lot but on thinking twice I thought its good for both of us to part as there is no future.
Things turned out good with the muslim guy in the beginning but there was one major problem that he was my classmate and for him to settle soon was a challenging task.Another problem was that he was from a different region that my parents hate. These things were looking small to both of us in the begininng, we were into 3 longs years of relationship then after 2yrs i started realising that he is not loving me as he used to and is taking me for granted. I used to love him more than anything. I did all that I can for him: make food for him, give him pleasure of all sorts, we were intimate too, but giving all that what I was getting is ignorance and a sense of domination that he has on me. I was lost in myself I was 22 by then. I met another guy whose suitability as my husband matched like anything. He is a very nice guy with a religious background. Then I thought that my parents will agree to get married to him and also I thought that it will wash my bad deeds in the religoius backgroud that he's having and will never be the same girl as I am. And will get the life that will shape me as a better human being which I didn't get at home.
I was dead sure. My parents agreed in the meanwhile my classmate got to know that I want to get married to another guy. I told my classmate that I love him and I betrayed him because he was taking me for granted and I got a suitable guy. He called the recent guy and told him that me and my classmate are involved since 4yrs and we are physically involved. On knowing it the recent guy accepted me, but I didn't tell him the whole truth and continued with him. Our parents met each other and when we were about 2 fix our marrige date my classmate told recent guy's mother all about my affair with my classmate and they fininshed the plans of marriage with our family. Now the recent guy loves me very much and can't leave me. I'm not too much in love with him its just because of the situation I am facing and of the previous guilt that is not going from my mind. He cant leave me and I am very much confused as he is saying that he will convince his parents for his love. I too love him I know but the guilt is not going. I am thinking that now I am playing with his life to as if I get married to him; his parents can't get the thing out of there heads that I had an affair. And if I dont continue with the guy he started crying and saying that what's his fault? What to do? Should I continue with the guy or not? I am liable to play with another guy's heart I am sure this time that I love him very much and don't want to be engaged with someone else as I want to get married to him from my heart. I have not told him yet that I was engaged to with my classmate.he says that even if you were involved I accept you .I am very confused;what to do? Is there any way to get out of this guilt?
-sana
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Salaams,
I have to admit toward the end I got a little confused regarding which guy you were referring to at certain times, because at one point you said, " the recent guy loves me very much (but) I'm not too much in love with him its just because of the situation I am facing", but later you said, " I am sure this time that I love him very much and don't want to be engaged with someone else" and it seemed as if you were talking about the same person.
Regardless, this is what I would advise you regarding your situation: they guy that you were sexually involved with, the one who you felt that you were no longer compatible with, you should leave him alone. It sounds like he is up to no good, trying to sabotage whatever future prospects you have with someone else by telling them about your relationship with him which sounds to be over. Even if you don't marry this "recent" guy, I imagine the guy who is meddling would do it again if you found another man you wanted to marry.
Secondly, if you want to marry the "recent" guy, and he is willing to do so regardless of your past or what the other guy is trying to say, then you should go for it. You can't change the past, and to have a future with someone who can help you walk away from your regrets is priceless. Make the most of that opportunity by making the intention not to involve yourself with other guys at all.
Now, if you don't like this "recent" guy enough to marry him, you don't have to. But if you decline that proposal, I would strongly suggest taking a break from speaking to guys or getting to know them for a while. Instead, make the priorty of getting to know Allah and what it means to be a Muslimah. Re-discover what it means to return the love of your Creator instead of spending precious energy chasing the dunya, chasing the faulty love of humans. Doing so will not only make a lot of confusing issues clearer, but it will also teach you what you truly deserve from a man, and how to recognize it when it comes to you.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaams Sister
This is the way your life is looking: You have two guys in you life: Your classmate and the recent guy. You love your classmate and you do not want to be with him because he took you for granted. You in love with the recent guy because of the 'situation" and were enagaged to him but not any longer because his parents have heard about your physical relations with your classmate. Correct me if I'm wrong?
Sister you cannot have two guys meddling in your life at one time. You should not be having physical relations out of marriage. The first thing is you should decide who do you want to be with? Who do you want to marry? Do you want to marry your classmate or the recent guy? You did mention that it is impossible to be with your classmate as there would be objections from your parents. Could it be that your classmate wants you to be with him for physical pleasure. Sister this is so wrong. Don't let any man take advantage of you. Like you mentioned you felt he was taking you for granted and being dominating. He probably felt that he was getting what he wanted from you so why bother about you. Don't have physical relations before marriage. The main purpose of marriage is procreation and sexual intimacy. Sex is something sacred between the husband and wife. Don't spoil the fun before that.
If you want to be with the recent guy then first ask him to speak to his parents. I can understand why his parents reacted the way they did. Any parent would. In the meanwhile end all relations with your classmate.Ask him not to interfere in your lives. Maybe you could ask an elder to warn him as well. Sister you should focus on what you want. You can't be with two people at one or otherwise eventually you would be left all alone. The recent guy is being patient. He is accepting you for your mistakes but I'm sure that if he finds out that you are still in contact with your classmate he wouldn't show any more patience.
Rumaysa
please make claear who you are refering to, are there 3 guys, two?
The amusing thing in this post is about the boy who wants to marry this girl . He knows about her past but still wants to marry her . I think he lacks self-esteem and is desperate .
"Yes it would become harram to marry a chaste Muslim."
Let me clarify this issue. I have written about this in depth, so I won't go into detail now. The correct interpretation of the Quranic ayah you cited is that a Muslim cannot marry someone who is actively engaged in zinaa, or who sees nothing wrong with zinaa, or has committed zinaa and not repented. It does not refer to someone who has made mistakes in the past but has done tawbah and is now on the straight path.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister sana what a big mess you have got yourself in, just leave all of them alone iam sure recent guy will get over you and classmate just seems like because you gave so much of yourself to him that he own's you, recent guys mother will make your life hell so just leave them all dont speak to classmate avoid him as much as you can even if it mean's changing school's, and next time DONT get involved with boys this is your life not a TV show.