Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I want to marry a married man

I wanted to marry this guy that my family or his family did not agree to 4 months later he married his cousin under pressure from his parents. His dad had said that if he didn’t marry his niece then he would divorce his wife (the guys mum). Saving his mother from divorce he married the girl.

He doesn’t have any feeling for his wife and cannot lead a married life with her. We are deciding to do a secret nikah but his condition is that no one should know about it because it could lead his mother in facing a divorce and he would feel responsible.

I have been trying to look for an answer whether our nikah would be valid. I feel for his wife as it has got nothing to do with her and not her fault but she also knew that this guy did not want to marry her and is doing it because of his parents and is under pressure. I am in a very bad situation because I really don’t know what to do.

The guy had said to me that he would never be able to settle down with his first wife because he didn’t want to marry her in the first place and it was forced. But he also cannot leave her because of his dad being stubborn and his dad’s decision of divorcing the mother if his son divorces or leaves his niece. I am really desperate for help.

Some people have told me that he will need his first wife’s permission some people said that he wouldn’t. What could I do in this situation? He can’t leave her but also can’t settle down with her.

Why do parents do this? Why do parents ruin our lives and say that they are doing it for our benefit? Why do parents make us children commit zinah and tells us what’s right and wrong. I feel like I have nowhere to go I don’t want so many lives being ruined.

I have also told this guy to divorce his first wife where as she could move on and have a better life with someone who could be there for her as husband and give her all her rights. This guy is not bad towards her at all he talks to her respects her and the rest but they are not in the sexual relationship as a husband or wife. Please I need help and advice with my situation.

Thank you...

- Reena

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19 Responses »

  1. According to what I know and read in Islamic books you don’t need a wife's permission, a guy can marry up to four wives whether he asks for their permission or not, in islam he doesn’t have to ask for her permission, but you should think about it deeply , do you seriously want a secret nikha? Do you really want that? In my opinion if he really loves you he can convince his father that since he got married to his cousin, he should have a second wife, rather than doing the secret nikha, try and tell him that, maybe he will do that for you? If he didn’t or can't do that then you should move on, and inshAllah God will bless and reward you with a great guy who real loves you.
    try and convince him to convince his father, this is better than the secret nikha

  2. ASA sister

    You are in a very tricky situation... If you marry this guy in secert, sooner or later, everyone will find out.

    First of all what would you tell your parents? Where will you live? What if you get pregnant? ( then everyone will really find out) Now, put yourself in his wifes place... poor girl must feel used! He takes her in marriage, makes her his woman, and now he does not feel he can settle down with her? He should have thought about this before he got married to her.

    He could have stand up to his family and said this is my life, i will do what i feel is best for me. He did not, to save someone elses marriage, but now his own marriage, and your life are all messed up!

    I advice you, if he is not willing to get a divorce (which i think its sad for his wife), and to announce it in public not to get married to him. You will alway be the second wife, you pretty much wont have any rights!

    **I dont know what some of our young brothers and sisters think marriage is, but its not a game. You cant say ill marry you today and then two weeks later... i dont like you anymore! Please,this is something very serious**


  3. Reena, Asalaamualaykum,

    I feel for you and I know you must be paining alot. But there is only one truth and it is harsh. You asked what you can do in this situation? The simple answer is 'get out of the picture and leave this man alone to work his marriage out'. This man is married, whether he is happy or not is no reason for you to be remaining in contact with him - its wrong, simple.

    Its very charming the way your ex is so concerned about his mother's feelings, he will do anything for her, including ruin a young innocent girl's life by marrying her when he does not like her. But he doesnt care about you or your marital rights, so is encouraging you to have a secret nikah. Does he care about what kind of a life that will mean for you? Having a secret nikah according to some scholars will not be valid to start with, it will lack blessings from Allah as you have majorly lied to your parents and he to his first wife. Will he then stop you having children aswell to keep you nikah a secret?

    Right now, the situation is this: that your ex is in nikah with another woman. The best thing you can do is to be realistic and leave the idea of marrying in secret. It is absolutely immoral and you should not even consider it and again your ex does not have the courage to marry you in open. He needs to be left alone to consider what to do about his marriage, without your influence. If he decides to marry you in public giving you your full rights, consider it. Otherwise you have no place in his life.

    I think its time for you to ask yourself, do you really care about 'you'? Because your ex does not have your best interests at heart. Try to move away from this situation by occupying your time, time and faith will heal - albeit slowly, but surely.

    SisterZ Editor

    • Absolutely agree. This is real, honest advice. And by the way reena, no one "makes" anyone commit zinaa. Take responsibility for your own choices and don't blame others.

      Wael Editor

  4. Assalamu alaykum Sister Reena,

    Either this guy is fooling you or I myself am a fool who is unable to understand what this guy wants.

    Only some crazy insane father would put such a condition, I doubt it highly. Even if it is true and he wanted to marry you, he could have said : Dad, I am not wanting marriage now, when I want, Insha Allah I'll let you know. Or more : Dad, I respect you and I am indebted to you for all your efforts in my upbringing, but dad, I am a grown up now, I want to have my choice in this matter, and sorry, but I prefer to stay single than to be forced in to marriage, a person can make various efforts if he wills.

    People choose something first and then give excuses. Even if he is 100% right, then also there can be no "secret" nikah.

    For what is the purpose of nikah? That it proves that you marry in honor making Allah a surety over you and claim "rights" in one another in the name of Allah and you are not living like his secret concubine. So what can a "secret" nikah be? Understand for yourself.

    Nikah itself is proclamation to the society that you are xxxx's wife and xxxx is your husband.

    Wake up sister. Study Islam. Leave love affairs, turn to Allah. Devote time to make a better aakhirah. If Allah's will is to make him your husband, Insha Allah it iwll be made easy for you, if Allah's will is the opposite, Insha Allah it will be made easy for you to move on.

    Trust Allah, read the Qur'an with meanings and come out of this "dreamworld" he is building up even after his marriage.

    Broken dreams hurt a lot. So better is to wake up to reality. If you hope in his truthfulness, then still, how can you marry secretly? How would you feel if you were in the first wife's place and he would marry another woman secretly without letting you know?

    Are you that crazy or mad after this guy?

    Why not be so in love after Allah? Why not love him so much?

    Insha Allah, try this, you'll see the changes.

    Sister, there is not much good in love before marriage. Turn to Allah, pray and wait for the right man and right time, which Insha Allah will reach you as written in your destiny.

    Your brother.

    • "Either this guy is fooling you or I myself am a fool who is unable to understand what this guy wants."

      Ha ha, that made me laugh. In any case, your advice is sound and I fully agree. I really like what you said about being in love with Allah instead, turning to Him, pursuing Him, rather than any human being.

      Wael Editor

      • Assalamu alaykum brother Wael,

        Well it made me smile at what I wrote 🙂

        Yes, loving Allah instead of people is our only way out of distress.

        Your brother.

    • Alhamdulillah so true, your words are.

    • this advice is very very important for all Muslims woman ...thank you

  5. sallams to all

    thank u all for ur answers and help, i did turn to Allah before i met this guy and last ramzaan i did pray and say to Allah send the one who is made for me i was depressed at the time and wanted to get married and needed Allas help indeed Allah did help me because after a 2-3 weeks i met this guy and i felt it straight away that he is the one. i felt so positive about it all. his first wife knew he didnt want to marry her but still she went ahead with it. i still ask for Allahs guidance and there for i did an istikhara a few days ago wether i should continue with the secret nikkah and it was positive which confused me even more. i did tell him to speak to his parents about me being his second wife and taking me home but his dad refused that too. i have tried everything i could possibly think of to do it the right way but now cant even think any more. i still believe he is the one but just need Allah to guide me.

    salaam sister reena

  6. i have a similar situation, i would appreciate if i could have sum advice.
    im 18 an "accidently" got preganunt to my bf of 3 years,

    (Remainder of comment deleted by Editor)

  7. I was forced into marrying someone, I am a woman, have 2 children and have been living in misery 5 times a day prayer and loving Allah does not help, we need love and I have met someone and have stopped any contact with the person before anything really began for the love of Allah but I am very empty inside and often cry everyday at least twice, so I am in misery and I can only say that follow your heart but also love Allah.

  8. I need help and advice n im new in this site, how/where can i post my question regarding marry to a married man????????????????????

    • He is already married . Why u want to disturb him . He cant give u a proper status anymore its better u wait . Time will heal everything then insha allah with patience u will get a better and caring husband .with Every relationship comes responsibility .love is also a kind of responsibility .wait u will have a better life

      Imu bhai

  9. Salam I wanted to tell u that I started liking a man he is so much islamic person and though beautiful also ..secondly much good in chracter problem is he even don't know me and also he is married and had a baby girl so what should I do.. should I have to pray to Allah to get marry him or it is a sin to make pray of marry about a person who is already married and had daughter plz answer me? According to quran and sunnah

    • hello maham,

      i am abit confused with your statement "problem is he even don't know me". If this is someone who you have developed feelings for, If you know he is married, please step away from this situation. Cut any communication, and avoid places where you see this man, yes it is a sin to pray for him, as he is already married, and also has a child, and the only way for you to be with him would be if he was to leave his wife, or second marriage

  10. Don't marry him in secret. Don't be stupid. It sounds like he's fooling with you. How do you know he's not having sex with her? Also did the guy tell you that his dad said he'll divorce his mom if he doesn't marry his niece?
    I think you should take your own advice for his wife to move on, and you should move on. Be smart. I'm sure you'll find a better husband.

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