Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Can I marry without my parents’ permission?

I found the one guy who I can actually see myself spending my life with

He is perfect as any human can be. Him and I would like to get married but the issue is that he is of a different race and I know my mother would have a heart attack if he came and asked for my hand.

It is not an assumption I am making she told me this many times that if I didn't bring a suitor who is not the same race as me, she doesn't care that he is a great muslim if he's not the same race then he is out of the question.

So my question is I don't not want to have a haram relationship. He and I would like to get married. If we were to get married with out the permission from my parents would it be valid in the eyes of God.

please help me!!!!!!!!!

~ lost.soul


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37 Responses »

  1. Assalaam wa Alaykum sister, May Allah swt help you and answer our duas inshallah.

    i am 100% exactly the same situation as you, exactly the same situation wallahi 🙁 the advices you will get will help and guide me inshallah. My duas are with you my sister, please remember me in your duas 🙁 inshallah we will succeed through this without hurting our parents 🙁 inshallah.

    Allah hafiz

    • My husband is also different race than me(i'm white,he's egyptian).I had similar situation as you and considering that we were living in different countries.Just deep inside i knew he was the one and one day i was going to run away to him when I already got my VISA to his country and my ticket.Night before i travelled my mother came to see me(i was living in my own place) when somehow she found out about him and my plan.Then she spoke to him and accepted him...
      My advice to you: Let Allah's word inside you to guide you and lead you to the right direction.Aaamen!
      In anyways good luck in whatever you do.

  2. Dear sister,

    Answer: Upon a proposal coming for one’s child, parents are responsible for the selection of the spouse for their children with the consent of the child. One aspect deals with the compatibility between the intended couples. The other deals with parental consent so as to give the couple their blessings. Having this in the midst of your mental reservoirs, take note of what Rasulullah (sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam) mentioned:  ‘a nikah without the consent of the wali is batil‘ (void, not having any religious weight.) Here Batil can mean one of two things: such a nikah is void, and thus you both would be living in the state of adultery and sin; or as other scholars have stated, batil means a wretched, disliked and a reprehensible action had taken place in the Sight of Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala). Both definitions imply that one should be cautious with their independent mindset on marriage.

    Thus, a person insisting on marring a partner without parental consent would be aiding Shaytan to get the better of them. Parents usually toil in the best interest of their children, and their decisions are to prove this as well. Thus, parents examine areas of compatibility in order to be able to give their consent to the most suitable partner. Thus, a son or daughter should never overlook this significant aspect. Matchmakers and third parties eager to volunteer their help should not forget the importance of including parents/guardians (who raised a child worthy enough for the third party to marry off) and other persons as part of the marital process. To ignore critical guardians would be to cause an unwanted and avoidable curse-filled violation upon the self.

    By contrast, if the girl and boy are a good moral couple, pious and upright in their actions, and the parents refuse to get such a couple married without just cause, and instead seek a corrupt person for their child, then the matter would be entirely different. Generally, such is not the case. As we are aware, ‘good boys and good girls’ do not refuse the request of their parents to things that are based on good faith and religiosity. When there is disagreement over the proposal that seems good, then of course the parents of the dissenting party (son or daughter) should defer to the child. And as always in the matters of great importance to one’s life, salaat ul isthikhara (prayer for guidance from Allah) should be undertaken.

    Thus, depending on the situation, permissibility may exist for some, while not for others.

    May Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) bless us all with good religious, faithful and compatible people to be with whilst fulfilling the criteria of  ‘good consent’ as well,  Ameen.

    Allah know best
    Nadia

  3. IF THE PARENTS ARE REFUSING ON THE BASIS OF SECTARIAN THINKING AND MALICE LIKE THIS -
    MOTHERS STAND-
    she doesn't care that he is a great muslim if he's not the same race then he is out of the question
    THEN THE GIRL CANE TAKE SOMEONE IN CONFIDENCE FROM THEIR OTHER RELATIVES WHO CAN JUDGE THE BOY SO THAT SHE DOES NOT SUFFER AND AND THE AREA MOSQUE IMAM CAN INFORMED AND YOUR GETS SOME HEALTH PROBLEM BY THE IS ACT WILL B HER SELF RESPONSIBLE FOR THE COMSEQUENCES FOR DEFYING ALLAH IN THE MATER OF EQUALITY OF ISLAM WHICH IS THE BASE OF OUR RELIGION EXAMPLE HAZRATH BILALS LIFE WITH PROPHET SALALAHAUALAHAIWASALAM-

  4. The same thing goes for me. But I just found out we can get marry by wali hakim-the wali from the islamic court. Which country are you in? In egypt, apparently its easy and cheap.you need pasport and witnesses.but plz know parents' blessings are very important. Try do solat istikharah, ask your mum to talk to him on skype without telling her he is different race.we want your mum to know the guy as he is, not his race. Make dua. Lots of them. If its written, not even your mum can stop the wedding. I hope someone who is more knowlegable can help 😀

    • I'm sorry your answer is totally wrong. No matter what the situation is you need a persons permission who can't marry you : father brother Etc. etc.

      • Sorry Mohammed i disagree.If the parents are not doing their job properly (i.e denying the rights of a Muslim Child) then they are not worthy to be a walli.Then the responsibility goes to next relative. But is this is the condition of all the family then the girl must take a Qadhi as a walli as a Walli is a Must.But There is NO MARRIAGE without the permission of the Girl. And any one who opposes deliberately this Halal, is participating in creating a Fitna.

        • Only your comment was the same in my heart. I think the same brother. No marriage without the permission of the girl. And parents cannot force to marry someone because actually that is haram.

          Parents are ready or not is a second question. First is that whether the girl is ready or not?

          Pray for me, I am about to convince my parents.

        • Absolutely agree

  5. Salaam,

    as i said im in the same situation, the person i want to marry is Alhamdulillah on deen, has performed Hajj Alhamdulillah and pious Alhamdulillah may Allah swt keep him that way. it is so hard for us, and we want to keep it halaal, but my mum just dont understand!!!!!!! 🙁

    my aunty (dads sister) refused to help, both aunties (mums sister) refused to help, uncles (mums brothers) refused aswell.

    i have performed Istikhara, and that is why im still fighting for it. but everytime i dont get support i feel weak and low. my cousins dont support either.

    I want to gain my parents blessings, and not to do it without them. all what i want is a nikah to keep it going halaal and then move out after he is stable enough to keep a house going inshallah.

    his parents are alhamdulillah all fine with it. but its mine 🙁

    infact my mum has even tried to force me into a marriage, and he drinks! (sometimes) but does that matter? he drinks!!! and yet her! Wallahi my mum can test my patience at times, she makes me feel low.

    because i am the oldest in my family, she thinks im gong to guide my siblings to a wrong path!!

    Alhamdulillah, Inshallah i know what steps to take, inshallah my sisters and brothers i pray for you all, Allah swt is with us, as long as we remember Him the Almighty in our duas and heart every second inshallah

    Allah hafiz

    • LACK OF RIGHT ISLMIC KNOWLEDGE OR QURAN ONLY CAN ANSWER NO NO NO .

      PLEASE READ QURAN 4:19, THERE IS FULL RIGHT GIVEN TO WOMAN TO DENY ANY WHO OPPOSE HER, ONLY ISLAM GIVES WOMEN FULL FREEDOM.
      WRONG EXPLANATION AND POOR KNOWLEDGE LEADING US IN FIGHT.
      DEFINITELY CONCEPT OF ISLAM NOW AND TIME OF PROPHET(SM) DIFFER MASSIVELY. IF WE REALLY ALL MUSLIM HAVE GOOD CLEAR CONCEPT OF ISLAM THIS TYPE OF QUESTION EVEN WOULD NOT ARISE.

      PEOPLE WANT TO CONTROL WOMAN LIFE JAHELIYAT, SO THEY SAY NO NO NO. ISLAM MUST BE A TRUE RELIGION WITH FULL FREEDOM OF WOMAN RIGHT.

      (I AM A MAN) I WILL ACCEPT ANY OF MY CHILDREN CHOICE, GOOD OR BAD

      O ye who believe! stand out firmly for justice as witnesses to Allah even as against yourselves or your parents or your kin and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts) lest ye swerve and if ye distort (justice) or decline to do justice verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that ye do. 4:135

      • Rahim,

        I highly disagree with you on this: " CONCEPT OF ISLAM NOW AND TIME OF PROPHET(SM) DIFFER MASSIVELY"

        Islam is what it was, not a concept but a Deen from Allah. Everything that was applicable then is applicable now and will be until the last day, except with proof.

        The statement that Islam is different now than it was during the time of Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam is misguidance and jahaalah in itself. Islam is complete and shall not change whatsoever, until the World is destroyed. There are some idiots who say that the example of Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam is beautiful, but is not complete and hence, requires to be changed. This is Kufr and may lead to the fire if the person does not do Tawbah. Allahul Musta'aan.

        Abu Abdul Bari
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. Walid's question is on the queue. He has already submitted one.

    Walid it may take some more days until your question is published.

    Muhammad Waseem
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  7. lsn my sister, i'm in the same situation you're in right now. I'm living in an arabic country and for us, marrying someone behind your parents back may cause you killed.

    However, in islam, your parents can't prevent you from marrying a muslim no matter if he's so poor or from another race. And as you may know, the prophet himself made Belal Alhabashi (which is black) moazen for muslims. no matter the race, no matter the finincial status, as long as he's muslim you both can get married

    i suggest you go to the court or to a shekh. ask him to be in place of your father. and tell him to talk with your family and convince him and if your family is convinced then you got the marriage you wanted. if your family is still not convinced. the shekh or the judge can be in place of your father and you will marry the guy you wanted.

    May your wishes come true, my heart is with you

  8. Thank you brother waseem..

  9. lost soul,
    what's happening now? can u give us updates?
    i hope Allah make it easy for you, insha ALLAH

  10. I am in the United States...we talk to a shekh from the local mosque and we told him the situation he said he would help us get married and inshallah once we are married and our relationship is halaal we are going to try and talk to my family and try to make them understand where we are coming from

    inshallah eveything works out for all of you going through the same thing allah will inshallah make it easier for me and you guys and thank you very much for responding

  11. My sister

    Sorry to chime in so late on this.

    You said:

    He is perfect as any human can be. Him and I would like to get married but the issue is that he is of a different race and I know my mother would have a heart attack if he came and asked for my hand.

    This may well be true, but your view may be obscured by affection. I suggest getting an Imam to evaluate him and his suitablility for you before you act further. This will please Allah. And if he is as perfect as you claim, things will go smoothly, insha'Allah

    AmericanMuslim
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  12. Salam

    I agree with what brother American Muslim said. You need the third person like Sheikh or Imam to know your future husband better. Anyhow I pray for you all ( in the same situation ) to get the easiness from Allah Ta'ala and follow Sunnah Nabi by a blessed marriage. Amin

  13. ASSALAMALIKUM-
    Nisa
    July 17, 2012 • 9:35 am Salam
    You need the third person like Sheikh or Imam to know your future husband better. THIS IS EQUAL TO ASTROLOGY OR PREDICTION ON THE FUTURE OF A PERSON WHICH IS HARAM STRAIGHT AWAY-
    ONE WHO GOES ABOUT ASKING NAYONE ABOUT YOUR FUTURE IT IS WRONG JUST HARAM IN ISLAM.
    PL CLARIFY ON WHAT AUTHORITY YOU ARE MISGUIDING HER WITH THIS CRAP SHOW WHICH VERSE OF THE QURAN TELLS TO DO THIS AND WHICH HADEES PROOF YOU CAN SHOW FOR GOING ON THIS WRONG PATH-
    SHEIKH IS NO ONE NOR ANY IMAM WHO CAN DO ANY FIDDLING IN THIS MATTER THE IMAMS AND SHEIKS HAVE THEIR OWN OPINIONS FOR DIFFERENT MATTERS BUT WHEN THIS LINE COMES THEY ARE NOT AUTHORISED- [to know your future husband better.THEY DONT HAVE ANY KNOWLLEDGE TO SAY ANYTHING-

    • Brother Ali

      Please re-read the original post by lost.soul.

      It appears this woman has acted in a halaal fashion and is NOT interested in a haraam relationship. Her parents have decided against this man only because of race.

      In a case like this, when her parents are acting in an un-Islamic way, she still needs a wali to represent her. In this case, a pious Imam is appropriate. I will try to research this more fully to find appropriate verse and/or hadith to support this.

      Your Brother,

      AmericanMuslim
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  14. Yes, when the father denies to act as her Wali, the girl can choose her Wali among her closest or eldest male relatives (Mahram). If none of them agree to act as her Wali, then the Qaadi (Judge), the Sultan or the Ruler or the Imaam would be her Wali.

    The following Hadith and an Aayah from the Quran point to this fact:

    "If they dispute, then the sultan (man in authority) is the wali of those who have no wali."

    [Dawud 2078, Narrated 'Aisha , also related by Tirmidhi and others. Tirmidhi said, this is a hasan Hadith. Ibn Majah and Imam Ahmad, Hadith number 1880; also in Salih al-Jaami', hadeeth number 7556.) Shaykh Al Albaanee declares it authentic in Saheeh Al Jaami' vol. 2,
    no. 7556. ]

    "The believers, men and women, are awilyaa’a (allies and protectors) of one another." [The Noble Qur'an 9:71]
    Awilyaa’a is the plural of Wali.

    Muhammad Waseem
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  15. ASSALAMALAIKUM
    DEAR AMERICAN MUSLIM-
    I DIDNT TALK OF HALAL OR HARAM I TOLD ABOUT THIS -
    You need the third person like Sheikh or Imam to know your future husband better WRITTEN BY YOU-

    THIS IS ASTROL0GY TYPE OF ENCOURAGEMENT-
    AN OUTSIDER WHO DOES NOT KNOW THE PERSON [BOY]CANT ENTER THE SCENE AND THEN DO THIS ABSURD ACT-
    ........................TO KNOW YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND BETTER-.................................................
    SHE IS TALKING ABOUT HER MOTHERS REFUSAL BECAUSE OF HER PRODIGAL THINKING AS A LOW RACE OF THE BOY WHOM HER DAUGHTER LIKES TO MARRY-
    THIS IS CORRECT WHAT YOU SAID BUT NOT THE ABOVE LINES -You need the third person like Sheikh or Imam to know your future husband better
    she still needs a wali to represent her. In this case, a pious Imam is appropriate HERE IT IS OK-

    HOPE IT IS CLEAR NOW-
    REGARDS
    ALI YOUSUFF

    • My Brother Ali

      I think the problem is one of mis-interpreting a sentence. I do not believe anyone is suggesting trying to determine or predict the future.

      The sentence "You need the third person like Sheikh or Imam to know your future husband better" is not asking about the future of her husband. The sentence could be replaced by the following sentence "You need the third person like Sheikh or Imam to inquire about this possible husband and know his character and deen better" .

      May Allah reward you, especially during Ramadan.

      AmericanMuslim
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  16. Salam brother Ali

    Thanks for ur comment and pls let me explain about it.

    What I meant about the third person here is a pious and Wise person to talk and know their personality and their genuine intention NOT by prediction or act as a fortune teller. The sisters's situation is already difficult by their parents disagreement and I am scared my sisters analize their future husband because of blind love and dependent feeling because of what they are facing now. My sisters need Sheikh or Imam represents their parents to TALK to them. If they are married for example, I hope their marriages are happy with their undoubtfuly good husband and the husbands will try to unity the sisters and their parents patiently and not take advantages / hurt the sisters by thinking the sisters rely their life on them because the sisters have no support from their parents.

    May Allah ease the way for them. Amin

    Nisa

  17. hey there im having the same problem

    (Remainder of comment has been deleted. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

  18. I have a confusion, I have a similar problem but I cannot get married without the father. However in this case the girl can go ahead without the parents. I am just confused and if I can indeed in islamically valid way get married to this man now, it will help us both tremendously. If I can be further explained on this matter it will be helpful.
    My post is

    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/marriage-without-fathers-knowledge/

  19. Salaam,

    I have a similar issue. Im 20 years old living in Canada. Living in Canada has made my parents and many other parents white-washed in the sense that they believe their kids should finish school before they get married. But in reality we have needs its very difficult when we are living in a society where boys and girls are together all the time and they expect nothing to happen? Especially since the kids these days are committing zina, drinking, smoking. subhallah! I am practicing at the moment however, when i was in high school i did not know too much about the deen and have been in a relationship for 4 years now. I have not committed zina but i have come close to it. i have tried to break up with him and wait but sadly i am too far in and have become too attached. We want to get married. However, my parents will tell me to wait another 2-3 years when i finish university and then pay my loan. But i feel guilty displeasing Allah and i don't want to take it any further. I know for sure my parents will not accept it. They will kick me out. So my question is can i marry him without my parents knowing and with the Imam as my wali? Advice/suggestions
    My parents are not that religious they care what people think more, they rather i have a boyfriend and finish school then get married and finish school. Which is haraam..

    • TornApart,

      Its good that you want to legalise your relationship through marriage, it is important to do tawbah first though. But its time to stop blaming your parents for your situation and time to start taking responsibility. Furthermore, we cannot just disown a Wali and adopt a new one. Your wali is your father, so do everything you can to convince him to let you marry this man now, instead of waiting 2/3 years. Speak to him, if that doesnt work, ask family members to convince him, failing that, ask an Imam to convince him. If none of that works, then the Imam may step in and take your father's role of wali. But it is wrong not to try with your father. He has raised you and cared for you, he deserves that much respect and honesty.

      If you have any further questions, please log in and submit your question as a separate post.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  20. Salaam im 24 yrs old I am a sunni muslim and I have been workin for 6 years...

    (Remainder of comment has been deleted. Please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)

  21. in this day and age we cant live without the pornography because if you are watching the news you will see a nude woman or something pornography,advertise and normal kiddish movies e.t.c. so to purify our hearts we need to get married. i wanna get married when i am 17 18 im a guy. but i dont know how i am gonna tell my parents.what it is . i go madrasah i stay there too. even then you have girls on streets half naked. so my parents are thinking i am safe from all that fitnah. they planned for me that im going to marry after i finish my study after i become an alim, hafiz and that is probably 26-27 probably. inshallah im finishing my hifz on march 2015 nd then go on the alim course. so i wanna marry after i become hafi then sturdy the alim course. but i cant make my parents understand that even though i am in madrasah i am safe from the major mingling but i still see the half naked girls walking on the street. sometimes i keep my gaze low sometimes shaytan just gets to me.but i want it such that i dont even look at it at all

    • OP: i still see the half naked girls walking on the street. sometimes i keep my gaze low sometimes shaytan just gets to me.but i want it such that i dont even look at it at all

      What country do you live in? Move to a country where all women wear burqa to save yourself.

  22. It gives me comfort knowing I am not the only one going through this predicament. His family won't approve of me for no valid reason and now my family won't approve of him because he wants to ask for my hand in marriage alone. Should we both just tell our families that we are going to do this just to let them know. We really love each other and we are not giving up, I want us both to inform our families and then get married alone

  23. How did your situation resolve?

  24. asalamoalekum .. i hav same prob i need guidence please .. i live in china i am studying here .. me and my girlfriend lives together ..we still have 4 years to study here .. and we both wants our realtionshp halal and do nikkah because as being muslim my heart sinks everyday by knowing all what we are doing is haram but we cannot inform our parents ..they will never allow us untill we finsh our study first .. we want to do nikkah so we can live halal together and as soon we finshed our study we wll inform our parent about our nikkah ... plz need answer .. with hadith or ayat refrence
    JAZAKHALLAH

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