Marrying a divorcee
May Allah forgive us, we became involved in prohibited acts following that I became distressed and he suggested we have a secret marriage, so we did.
Assalamualykum Brother and Sisters,
Alhamdulillah what you are doing is most generous.
I've never been on one of these forums to seek advice, because my mother has always been my guidance. But today I am in a situation where I feel I cannot speak to anyone.
So my story goes like this,
I've known of a guy most my life through family relation.. So our families had limited contact in years, and he married when we was young through family arrangments. After a year and half of his relation, his wife gave divorce notice through a islamic body and papers were sent to him, he did not respond so they asssumed the marriage was ended. So firstly I want to know if it is a proper divorce, as he says he has no kinds of feelings but he does not have a divorce certificate as such.
I knew of his mishap, after 3 years of his relation breaking down I began talking to him just to get to know him better. Soon after he told me he had feelings for me and he loves me and as time passed I began to like him, news got out to my family my mother did not approve infact she was furious. She explained to me what it would be like getting involved with a married man, I went against all odds and I thought I'd be strong enough to accept it and not let it get to me. No-one in my family approves of him and our relation, they have said what the outcomes would be if I do and they are totally against it. I love my father dearly and don't want to hurt him, butI also don't want to be unhappy and be married to someone I don't love.
We made plenty of promises to eachother we would not leave eachother. He knew how dedicated I am to my belief and faith, so in the spur of the moment he made me promise all kinds of things in the name of Allah.
But thinking of it now, I don't know to what extent this marriage is legitimate and if we have done it correctly following the islamic law. Also recently I have been reminded of his past a lot, we've been having arguments regarding this. I always feel second place I feel whatever I do is just a repeat for him, he says that you knew everything before you started this relationship. I don't know what to do and what to think.
I really love him and I really want to be his wife. But my feeelings are getting the better of me and because I made so many promises in the name of Allah, I'm just stuck on what to do.
I am really confused and I don't know if anything I wrote made sense.
JazakAllah Khaiyran
Assalamualykum
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Salaam Mariam,
Can someone not go to the islamic body to ask what the status of this relationship is?Can you not get a divorce certificate after asking them? You need to be sure he is really divorced and his wife asked for a kuhla.Then its possible to show your family he is divorced.What do you mean you feel at a second place?Do you mean he got kids or he still talks to his ex partner? Also get to know why he got divorced.He might have told you that but most of the time they say it was not their fault but it takes two to make a relationship work.I am talking from past experience when he told me it was not his fault and she was always fighting.But he didnt tell me she fought because he was cheating.
@Sister Mariam -
I spoken to him about divorce certificate he told me that when he arrives to the country he will go to her family personally and speak to them (which I don't want him to do). He says if he writes to them it may seem as though he is asking for the divorce leading to him paying tons of money. He does not have any kids nor any contact with her, sister its just the feeling of not being his first, I don't feel insecure about myself or anything, I feel loved and comfortable with him and he always appreciates everything.
About his Ex-wife she cheated on him and left him for her previous boyfriend, but like you said there is two sides to every story, but I guess that's something that I don't want to get involved in.
Salaams,
If you don't mind me asking, if this man Muslim? I ask because you made it sound like he might not be, when you said "He knew how dedicated I am to my belief and faith", as though he did not share your belief/faith.
This is an important question, because if he is not Muslim, all of your questions are moot. He is haraam for you, and any so called "marriage" you have had with him would not be valid.
If he is Muslim, the status of his first marriage is not so relevant to the legitimacy of your own marriage with him, because by shariah he can take up to 4 wives without divorcing any of the previous ones. As far as the legality of your own marriage to him in the light of Shariah, you didn't give us any details to give any feedback. An Islamic marriage must have all of the following:
1. You must be represented by a Wali, which would typically be your father. You can only choose another man to act as your Wali if your father is deceased, non-Muslim, or prohibiting the marriage for baseless reasons. Trying to keep it a secret would not be enough, so if you didn't involve your father just because of that, it's arguable that this marriage isn't valid.
2. The presence of two male witnesses, and the imam who officiates the ceremony.
3. You must be given a dowry by your husband.
4. Consent to the marriage by both bride/groom, and mutual agreement upon the provisions of the marriage contract.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
@Sister Amy -
Just to clarify he is Muslim too.
I wasn't sure what was mandatory of an Islamic marriage, but because he had been married before I thought he would know better than me, so I followed what he said. I tried reading about it and explaining to him that it may not be right, he would tell me he spoken to people and they told him otherwise.
As-salamu alaykum sister,
Leaving aside the issue of whether his divorce is valid (as I think this is the less pressing issue), it almost sounds as if you think that you are married to this man because of the "promises" you made each other.
Is that the case? If so, then you must remedy this situation immediately, as (from the sounds of it) you are living in zinaa. You cannot get married just by making verbal promises to each other with no one else around. As Amy said, Nikah (marriage) in Islam has certain prescribed conditions, and if you have not met those conditions then you are not married.
In addition to the conditions Amy mentioned, the marriage should be publicized (for example through a waleemah). There is no secret marriage in Islam.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Waliykumassalaam and Assalamualykum brothers and sisters,
@Sister Amy -
Just to clarify he is Muslim too.
I wasn't sure what was mandatory of an Islamic marriage, but because he had been married before I thought he would know better than me, so I followed what he said. I tried reading about it and explaining to him that it may not be right, he would tell me he spoken to people and they told him otherwise.
@Sister Mariam -
I spoken to him about divorce certificate he told me that when he arrives to the country he will go to her family personally and speak to them (which I don't want him to do). He says if he writes to them it may seem as though he is asking for the divorce leading to him paying tons of money. He does not have any kids nor any contact with her, sister its just the feeling of not being his first, I don't feel insecure about myself or anything, I feel loved and comfortable with him and he always appreciates everything.
About his Ex-wife she cheated on him and left him for her previous boyfriend, but like you said there is two sides to every story, but I guess that's something that I don't want to get involved in.
I want to get married to him in an Islamic way, It's just family doesn't approve of him and we are doing things that are not prescribed in Islam. So how do I tell him, without us becoming upset and hurt, just really don't know what to say or do.
@pearlsofislam
walaikumassalam warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu.
are you planning to get married with that man
( or )
are you saying you have married him secretly / without a wali ?
May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!