Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Marrying from different culture, mom won’t approve

Cross-Culture

Cross-Culture

I need advice!

I am an arab muslim girl who moved to Canada 6 years ago. I met a spanish christian guy and fell in love.

The relationship has been going on for almost 5 years now. After the first 3 months, he converted to Islam. I never asked him to, but he was always interested in the religion and learned about it, so now he found a reason to convert.

My family is so arabic culture oriented and it is very difficult for me to introduce a guy to the family, so I had to keep a secret for a long time.

I tried to introduce him few times and let them know I am still in touch with this person. Every time I fail doing so I have to lie to them and tell them that I dont talk to him, but it has been going on for 5 years now.

I am tired of lying to them, they mean the world to me. At the same time this guy is very nice to me. I  have let him go through a lot, and  there is no guy on earth who would do that for a girl, and feel disrespected yet love her like no tomorrow and be willing to do whatever just to be with her.

We are not the perfect couple, we argue and fight, but it's all because we don't have a stable relationship as he always thinks that I am going to leave him and my family will set me up with an arranged marriage (which will never happen).

My mom has been going crazy, and I am afraid I will lose her. I have already lost her trust which kills, but I got it to myself. I am afraid my brothers will go crazy and leave me. My dad doesn't really mind because he doesn't live at home with us, so my mother is the father of the house. SHE IS AN AMAZING WOMAN who has done a lot for her kids.

How would I convince my family to let me marry this guy without them leaving me?  I want their blessings, because without their blessings I know I will never be successful in life. I am physically, emotionally and mentally tired, and I NEED HELP!

I am not being selfish , but I want MY FAMILY, and I want to be with the guy I love and have a FAMILY.

I need both of them in my life! HOW?

-Rurz


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6 Responses »

  1. Sister Rurz,

    I am not trying to be harsh here, but you do not need to worry about your family leaving you, as you have already left them. Your lies to them make this clear. Also, you have a relationship with this man, which you know is haraam. Get back on your path!

    Allah will not change his guidance just for you. Your only chance is to immediately take the halaal path, and truly follow the guidance Allah has provided for all of us. Ask Allah for forgiveness. Firmly commit in your heart to not seeing this man in any haraam way ever again.

    If you want to find a way to be with this man, following the guidance of Allah is the only way to proceed. I do not know the will of Allah for you and this man. That he has submitted to the will of Allah is a wonderful blessing for him.

    You both appear to be placing your desires above His will. This will not turn out right. I know that I have placed my will above Allah's will on occasion, and it never turned out well. The only saving grace in such situations is Allah's infinite ability for mercy and forgiveness to the truly repentant soul.

    The only way I can see this ever working out would be for you to approach an imam at your masjid, and explain that you are seeking a husband, and if this man also approaches an imam seeking a wife, it could be that Allah, who is most merciful, will put you together via halaal methods. If he does, you may enlist the help of the imam in communicating his suggested match to your parents. This might be enough to get them to consider it. If they still decline, but due to non-Islamic cultural reasons, or reasons of prejudice against his non-arabic heritage, then the imam may, at his discretion, act as your wali.

    Good Luck, my sister, please get on the halaal path right now.

    AmericanMuslim
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Assalam Walikoum Sister,

    I know exactly how you feel. I have been through the EXACT same path only for a shorter period of time than 5 years. I know how difficult this is on you; you want the best of both worlds.. every woman wants to find a man she can comfort in while having the blessing of your parents. I am an Arab Muslim and I was with an American white man who converted. I knew it was forbidden not only Islamically because the brother wasn't Muslim but culturally as well. I however was not following the deen 100% and dated him for 8 months. We grew very close together and the minute my parents found out I told them I wanted to get married to him. We had a Nikkah done, with my father present even if they were against it. I will tell you this sister: don't continue dating this man. This is a major sin and just think of your future and the hereafter. Allah set rules for a reason, if we followed them we would have no worries. So if you want my advice, repent and try to ask Allah for forgiveness. Turn back to Allah, He is the only one capable of changing hearts and making this life easy for you. Trust me, I started praying again and got closer to my deen and Alhamdoullilah, even if things are still difficult with my parents acceptance, it is slowly getting there. I can tell you Duaa will do you wonders !!

    As for this man, if you TRULY think he can bring you closer to the Deen, is a good man and you find comfort in him then do not let him go. By not letting him go I don't mean continue to date him until your parents accept, but have a serious conversation with him and explain to him that in the religion there is no dating. Allah will NOT bless your marriage if you continue to follow in the path of the Shaytan. So tell him if he wants to be with you, he needs to marry you Islamically. As for your parents, speak to them. Tell them you found a good MUSLIM man, no matter what background he is from there is no Arab superior than a Non-Arab other than piety. Explain to them you want to be comfortably happy with a man that you choose and don't want to live a life in regret. They can listen to you, but they can also turn the other cheek especially if they are culturally brainwashed. Unfortunately, culture supersedes Islam and the younger generation needs to erase this tribalism that has taken place. If you can't speak to them directly see if you have another family member, even if they are in another country to speak to them . If all else fails, go speak to an Imam and he can give you appropriate advice. If the only reason your mom isn't approving is because he is not from your country, this is Haram and you need to stand up to what is written in the Quran and the Sunnah. There is NO RACE boundries on marriage, only deen and character. But one question: How religious is this man? You as a born Muslim need to show him the correct path and don't incorporate him in Haram acts. Also, please mention to him that this racism is not part of the amazing religion but is rather culture wise.

    Salam and make Dua especially in these last days of Ramadan. Get closer to Allah and I am sure that Allah will open up the doors for you Inshallah. Pray Istikhara sister before you go speak to someone but while you are waiting please don't continue to be in a Haram relationship. If you feel you want this man to be your husband, go through the proper channels: try to speak to your parents/ family, then Imam . Maybe try to get this man approach your father in the Mosque or house and ask for your hand. If ALL this fails and your parents reasoning is he's from a different culture, then you can get another Wali because your father cannot deny your marriage due to racial or cultural difference. I wish you luck and write me back on here if you need anymore advice. Please keep me updated.

  3. Salaams,

    I agree that for right now, you need to end this relationship. You said your father is ok with the possibility of you two being together, and it's only your mother who is unrelenting. Your father is your wali, so his opinion really is the most important. I suggest you talk to him about your concerns, about what you want and ask him to help you solve it. He is married to your mother, so he should be able to talk with her and reason with her and in shaa Allah share why he thinks this young man would be good for you so that she will finally also support you.

    If for whatever reason your father cannot get your mother to see things any differently, ask your father if he would be willing to support a marriage between you two in spite of that. If he is willing, then you guys can go ahead and plan the nikkah and do things the proper way. If he would rather wait until your mom is more supportive, do your best to be patient. I always like to suggest that the young man be invited to the home so that the reserved parents can get to know him for themselves, and any misgivings can be cleared up in a straightforward way. Perhaps this is something your mother will be open to in the mean time.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. AOA,

    I agree with American Muslim. You have disobeyed Allah and there is no success in things borne from the haram.

    Your mother is far more important than this guy and as a single mother she would have had to work so much harder as a parent. You will break her heart as she will feel that she has failed, although you are responsible for rebelling in this way.

    If this guy has sincerely reverted then the first thing he would have done is either request to marry you as soon as possible or leave you as he would know that it would be wrong to have a forbidden relationship. You have trust issues anyway, that hardly spells out good tidings for the future. Without respect and trust, there is nothing.

  5. Ask this man to go to your brothers, be friendly, learn Islam from them. Ask him to learn Islam from the Imam of your mosque, pray behind him. Tell his parents to meet yours, exchange gifts, be good. Propose officially & ask for Allah's help.

    Talk to them yourself, politely, listen to your elders carefully. Make points, talk to them on those points. If he is a good muslim, it is ok to marry him. So keep on talking.

    It will work out, Allah willing. If you are for him, and he for you, it will happen. No power can stop it.

    Stop Dating him, if all fails & your heart does not accept. Go to the Imam, Marry. It is better to date, & its better to do it the halal way.

    But then the society, cultural values & the way people will look at your Family will be different.

    Better if your Parents listen to you, as I don't think you will.

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