Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Marrying someone I don’t like

Forced marriage hadith

Forced marriage is prohibited in Islam

Asalamwalikum, I was born in Pakistan but raised in Hong Kong. And since I went Pakistan back in 2014, people have been sending me marriage proposals. For some it's just a way to get their son overseas.

This is my last way to seek help because I've tried every way and I failed.

After me rejecting many proposal, my relatives started saying bad stuff about me like how I'm over educated and that's the reason I'm rejecting every guy. They even said stuff like I might have a boyfriend. So my parents were really tired of all this and when dad's sister asked for my hand my dad said yes. Because my dad thought I'd listen to him and keep his word cause I've always been the nicest out of all the sibling.

So now my parents have decided to marry me off to my first cousin in the UK. I really don't like him. It's not like I like someone already,  I don't. My dad thinks he's the best choice for me. He lives in the UK, I think he's a high school graduate and Dad thinks I'll be happy with him.

But I'm already feeling very scared and uneasy thinking of marrying him and going to the UK. I've never been this scared in my life. I've tried telling my parents that I don't wanna marry him but they start saying how I'm humiliating them since dad has already gave his words.

I thought if I'd text my cousin and tell him the situation he'd understand and stop the rishta from his side. I texted him and told him how it all happened and I don't like him and I want to study and fulfill my dreams. And marriage is not my first priority. I trusted him and he ensured me he will try his best. And I made him promise that he won't tell anyone that I've texted him and told him this. Because my dad is ill he's a heart patient. I can't let him get any shock.

After a few days, my whole family found out I texted him and he even send screenshots of what I told him I don't wanna marry him and I'm not comfortable marrying a cousin or anyone in the family, and I want to study and everything basically.

My parents were the last one to find out about the text, before them all the relatives involved in this marriage proposal found out. My dad got humiliated, my mum cried a lot, my chachu called and told me I'm a disgrace to this family. It continued on and on.

From then, the way my parents treated me is like they never ever did before. My dad told me to get out of the house, my parents sweared at me, insulted me and more. I was told to stop going college (I had my last exam to give the next day).

It's been 2 days since the family found out about the text messages. Last night, my parents talked to me again, asking me what I want to do in my life. I told them I want to do nothing. I don't have the courage to do anything anymore. I made a mistake texting him, I shouldn't have done that. My dad reminded me again how I disrespected him. I lied and I told my parents that I texted the cousin because I wanted him to stop the marriage so that I could study. (The real reason is I don't like him) then my parents said I need to apologise and tell the boy and his mother that you made a mistake and what your intentions were.

My dad called his sister and told her everything and she said she doesn't have any problem with this, she just doesn't want anyone forcing me and my dad said she could call me anytime and talk to me.

My parents aren't forcing me but when they say if I reject the proposal my parents will get humiliated then I have no choice,  there's no way out. If I say no, my parents say they are done with me. They won't be responsible for my marriage or anything in my future. Basically they'll break their relationship with me. I'll be living in their house as a stranger.

I love my parents a lot, and I never want be the reason of my parents getting hurt or insulted by anyone. My parents trusted me and i broke the trust by texting that guy. My intentions weren't wrong, I wanted to end it peaceful without anyone finding out or getting hurt.

But after what that guy did, I can't trust him with anything, I made it so clear with him no one should find out, if anyone did thing will turn nasty and it did. But everyone thinks he was the smart one and informed everyone

Please tell me how can I marry that guy. A guy I don't like from the beginning, a guy who couldn't keep one single thing to himself. A guy I'm not comfortable with. A guy who is the reason I got in trouble, left college and lost contact with my friends.

Im all alone now. I feel sick to my stomach, uncomfortable, uneasy and I feel very scared. I'm even scared of istikhara. I have always been a person if I'm uncomfortable with someone, I never stayed in the same room with that person, how can I marry and stay with someone forever.

Please help me. Me talking to my parents doesn't help at all. If I marry this guy, I'll suffer mentally. I'll try to keep my parents reputation but I can't fully be committed to this relationship. I know after the marriage I'll be questioned when I'll give the family a child, I won't have an answer to it. I've always did my research regarding matters i wasn't sure. I have read that marrying a first cousin is not allowed in Islam. And I'm not comfortable with marrying a cousin concept.

I feel like I'll be killing myself by being suffocated in this relationship. My life took such a crazy turn, I never expected this, everything was going well.

Please help, the mother of the guy will be calling soon to talk to me again asking for my answer regarding the marriage and I know I can't say no.

Please help...

I'm only 22 years old.

Fatima

 

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22 Responses »

  1. I'm so sorry to hear you're going through such difficult time.

    Just to make one thing clear... Islam permits first cousins to marry. But that's besides the point as you're unhappy with the marriage itself.

    Pls you must make your feelings clear that you don't want to marry him. You can't go into this marriage feeling like this. Sister i can't bear the thought of you getting pressurized into this marriage.

    You must make one last attempt to call this off. Your parents will come round eventually. Write a letter explaining how you feel. Don't worry about upsetting your parents. They are in the wrong here, not you.

    You must be brave and firm. Don't sign away your future to keep your parents happy. These marriages are hell on earth and I'm speaking from my own experience.

    Sis you're in my thoughts and prayers. Pls do keep us updated on your situation

    • Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu wa Akhirahu wa janntuhu sister... This is exactly what I'm going through.Not that I texted my cousin i had a thought of doing so but I refrained thinking he would bring it out infront of everybody and would cause trouble to me and defame my family's respect. But thr rest is thr same. I want to study and they want me to marry him whom I don't like even a bit. Not that I don't want tp Marry at all. I do want to but I'm just soon to be 19 and the very next month after I turn 19 Will I be married off to him that too by force. I'm tired of explaining n begging my parents tp stop. One proposal has already been cancelled some 8 mpnths ago. And soon after the first one got cancelled they brought a second one for me within just 2 months. As in first proposal got rid in October and the new proposal came up within the first week of December last year. I'm feeling helpless n weak all alone. I've no one in family or relatives to atleast share this who can help me get rid of this marriage. Allah is my only hope. I'm praying and making Du'as... Only thing I can do 🙁 Worst thing I'm gonna turn 19 the last week of this june n married off in the last week of July 🙁

      Please remember me in your Du'as sister...!
      Fee Amanillah

  2. Sister I don't think you have done any wrong. By declining you have done nothing wrong as you aren't happy with him or whoever. You have exercised your right islamocally. Furthermore you stated your reasons not to marry now as you want to focus on your exams and studies. I believe your family do not understand Islam that we'll. Perhaps you should give them some Nasiha (advice) about passages from Quran and sunnah of our prophet (pbuh) where it is wrong to force someone in marriage. Give examples and tell them it's better for you to finish your studies and marry someone practicing that will bring you closer to Allah than marry someone you don't like and not sure of their character.

    I think your family are more worried about losing their dignity and honour from their relatives than fearing Allah and doing what is islamically right and not to force you into marriage.

    But do not disrespect you parents they are still your mother and father. If you enlighten them with some examples and quotes they may reflect and turn back.

  3. SISTER ,Don't get pressurized here .Dont marry him .If your parents feels bad let them feel bad .Be firm on your decision . Parents should not force kids for marriage .they are wrong here .

  4. Dear sister Fatima
    First of all let's me tell you that in Islam we are allowed to marrige with cousin ,,but ofcourse the choice of girl and boy are compulsory,,I will let explain of my own experience that when I was very small my father done engagement with my cousin I was in grade 2nd in the city they done all this in the village without asking me ,,time pass when I reach to grade 7th I start refusing to marrige her even I told the girl that please refuse to your parent I am not ready to marrige you I respect you as my cousin but not wife ,,anyway I become victim of the blind culture and I become helpless when it come to real time and Nekah done when I was almost 18 yrs old ,,than my father and mum are the wetness of the problems which begin ,,even I got kids but here difficult to explain until now I am tied with blind culture marrige but I have never ever even talked to my wife with smile ,,I still looking for my choice ,,the life is totally hell but yes I love my kids they are innocent,,so dear fatima try your best to convince your parents if not face to face better write to them ,,ask nearby scholar to help you and convince them if no than you have fully rights Islam allow you to choose ,,yes ofcourse not like boyfriend and marrige no connection with guy before marrige cause it's not allowed in Islam but choice for both boy and girl compulsory,,so by nice way kneel to your mum first than beg your father that this is my life question ,,but yes sister also you need to make hurry to marrige Islam give prefer priority that we should not wait too long as we know the consequences of the late marrige in the cociety,,but my personal advice to you that do not go for the marrige which is just arranged by one side means family or parents ,,I am Pakistani and I am still suffering of such stupid decisions take care I will just pray

    • Asalamun aleikum sisters and brothers in Islam... Am also going through the same thing here the difference is my mUm is the one pressurising me she asked me to marry a 46yr old man he has two wives and I don't like the man coz at all... And the! an himself is disturbing me intact bcoz of the man I changed my sin card and bought another one.. My dad is not aware though and my mum is pissing me off and I don't want to shout or abuse her I tried explaining to her that am allowed to choose who I wants to marry in Islam but she said she's the one who gave birth to me she knows what is best for me am just 19yrs old pls guys I seriously need your help..

      • You need to tell your dad right now what your mother is up to. If your parents are divorced, I would highly suggest you go live with your father - because your mother honestly sounds like she's scum. Sorry to be so blunt, but a woman like your mum doesn't even deserve to have children. What kind of mother marries her teenage daughter off - behind the father's back - to an elderly man with two wives? Disgusting. I sadly suspect this elderly man has offered your mother a lot of money for you...GO TO YOUR FATHER! There's absolutely nothing wrong with a daughter choosing to be with her dad - in fact, in Islam, kids should be with their father if the parents are divorced.

        Good luck. Please do not agree to this marriage in any way, shape or form. Once you get married, you're most likely going to suffer even more - and it'll be even more difficult for you to get away. Plus, you could risk having children. It's not fair to have children when you are in a marriage you don't want to be in.

        • " in fact, in Islam, kids should be with their father if the parents are divorced." - Actually the mother gets primary custody up until either the child turns seven OR if she remarries.

  5. I'm very sorry you are going through this

    Your parents should be supporting you and not pressuring you like this

    I know how you feel

    When I turned down proposals on the basis of the intentions

    Those people said I had arrogance and probably boyfriends too

    Notice how if a man's family rejects a girl
    No one curses them

    But if a girl rejects a man's family
    People say she has bad issues

    It's bull$!#/*!

    You are not wrong in rejecting the suitors.
    It's your Islamic right as a woman
    Your parents should know about your rights

    Keep saying no. Don't change your choice just because of your parents pettiness
    You will perish if you do

    Don't write your feelings in a letter
    It can be used against you
    Say what you need verbally only

    Can you get police involved in Hong Kong?
    I'm not sure

    Keep going to school
    Do your thing.
    And forget your family
    They love drama and
    Want you to be unhappy
    Cause they are unhappy

    Good luck
    Salamalekum

  6. Assalam o alaikum
    Sister I m very sorry that you are going through a very hard time.
    I m a Pakistani and same thing was done to the girl whom I love.
    It is not permissible for parents to force their children into marriage, there is strict Islamic ruling on this topic.
    Fight for your rights and don't surrender your will to others.His intentions are clear to you,he just wanted to get foreign nationality.
    Talk to your parents show them hadiths on the subject and try to convince them.
    Believe me I know mentality of such people.(He will physically and mentally torture after marriage because you refused him ) just to satisfy his ego.

  7. Hey chanda. I know you are going through this tough time in your life. I will be giving the best of my advice to you, I don't know if you have already decided anything or not.
    Listen dear, here; neither you are wrong (because you don't want to marry someone you don't like) nor are your parents, because as you told, they have no clue about the real reason, that you've been hiding from them. So first of all, you need to get one of your family members in your trust. It could be your sister, brother or either of your parents (mother or father, who you are closer to.) Tell them the truth, try explaining them your dislike towards him, then do mention to your trustee that how could you live with someone who couldn't keep his words for you. Insha Allah, Allah will resolve the matter for you. Pray to Him. Do not stress yourself.
    What your cousin did is another story. If he were to tell about your message to his family, it should have had been to HIS family only. What he did was utterly wrong. Your CHACHU had nothing to do in this, he better should have had minded his own business though.
    All the very best to you. Do tell us what happened.
    I will be praying the best thing for you. X

  8. I AM FEELING VERY BAD YOU ARE LIKE MY SISTER JUST PRAY TO ALLAH AND AT NIGHT WHENEVER YOU WAKE UP PRAY 2 NAFAL TO ALLAH I LOVE YOU BUT AS A BROTHER DONT THINK ME A DIRTY MINDED

  9. Salam,
    I'm 18 ,and I have been proposed by many of my relatives and people outside the family(not bragging).Recently a family from my mother's side has sent a proposal of their eldest son ,the family is well off MashaAllah and decent enough but the boy is not enough educated.I don't mean to be ungrateful towards Almighty Allah but I don't want to marry this person(in 3 half years).My father has accepted this proposal despite my disagreement,saying that If I rejected this proposal I would never talk to him again.I love my parents and know that they are doing this for my happiness but they don't understand that I have some preferences ,I want the person to be highly educated because this guy has done only FA and is now taking care of his fathers business and to be honest(although this might be a wrong thing to say),he is not a bit handsome ,I know I'll never be attracted to him,I have told my parents that I prefer a person who has a personality,is highly educated but they say that love comes after marriage automatically etc ,i sometimes convince myself that everything is going the way it should but sometimes i don't want to marry him ,i mean we only live once right?my parents dont have enough resources to educate me...my father is very conservative and thinks that he should spend the money on my marriage rather than my education ...i am a person who values education a great deal ,I love books but now I am stuck with a person who cant even text with correct spellings,this person and I have nothing in common i get scared of upsetting Allah and sometimes i get furious at my parents for not asking my consent.I am to be engaged in two weeks and i don't know what to do ..help me brothers and sisters

  10. WOW , THIS IS WRONG, you have to right to say yes or no. If you had my dad, he will never ever yell at you on something right but will help you solve the problem. I am sorry sis, have faith in ALLAH. You have the right to say yes or no because u will be living with this man for the whole life.

  11. Hi sister
    You might related to some of the culture or tradition from where I belongs too so though I am man but I am victim of such tradition who just follow culture or family values they never try to understand regarding the Major point ,,so please if you really don't like to suffer in the future than clearly say to your parent no no no ,,but if you think that you like the guy at least 70% and the guy is decent good gentleman hard worker and he like you and if you think you can creat love with him by the period of time than it's ok though he is not much educated to your level ,at least if he is good in Islam than at least he will fare of Allah ,,but if there is no way that you like him than kindly don't accept later on you will suffer and only regret ,,let's your dad get sad angry for time being but Allah and Islam has given you this authority to choose by Islamic way ,,I am victim and until now I didn't even laugh with my wife though we have kids and searching for second wife ,,so please don't accept

    • assalamualaikum...
      even iam struck in the same situation. even thoughi said no , my parents said the same thing which has been said to this sister .i am helpless..i have accepted him again even though i dont like him.he speaks well,have knowledge of islam,speaks sweet and due to the sweetness of his talk ,my parents have completely fallen for him.i said that i dont like him to every one.but every one is calling me aarogant and saing that i dont havr faith in islam.even though i said him that i dont like him,he still want to marry me.he care alot about his prestige.
      any way,iam going to get engaged soon within, 10 days.i have no other option.i dont have any idea wot will ma future be.i am completely helpless.all i can do is do dua.if its khair none can remove it from my path except allah.
      i have left everything to allah.
      every one do make dua for me and also pray that no parents should have this kind of attitude even they care for our best.

      pls pls pls pls pray for me to either give some love in my heart for that person or get this engagement cancel in a ryt way so that no one is sad specifically ma parents...

  12. Hey Sister.
    I'm wafa, from India. I got the same issue as you I don't like this guy and I'm forced to marry him and I'm like graduate and he has not even done his high school. I dont really like him.. he is a complete stranger to me. I feel so sick, I feel like crying. I've tried everything ignoring his msgs his calls like everything. My Dad and Mom like him so much. But I don't feel anything about him. I can't stay my whole life with and my Marriage is around the corner in October 2018 I guess..
    Well mail me******

    • Wafa, please do not post your email address as we do not allow it. In Islam you cannot be forced to marry anyone against your will. All you have to do is refuse and make it very clear to your parents and the boy that you will not marry him. No matter what emotional pressure they put on you, stick to your guns and continually refuse. They cannot force you to consent.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  13. Hello Fatima, what decision you took ? Please share. I am facing the same situation.

  14. Even I am going through same scenario
    I am pressurised to marry someone super rich and not known to me at the cost of my studies.... What should I do can anyone help me out please...

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