Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Marrying the guy who cheated on me.

Fork in the road

Choosing which path to take

hi, i'm 28.

 I've been with my boyfriend(now fiance) for close to 10 years. We got engaged recently in nov 2010. I found him cheating on me, early last year.  It was hell. He wanted to end the relationship and choose to be with the girl he cheated on. The girl gave me hell, posting pictures of them together, speaking ill of me publicly, spending his money amounting to 500 dollars for her one-day shopping trip (claimed she didn't have enough money) so it's obvious how stupid this boyfriend of mine was.

When I was going through all this, my old friend came into the picture. He is 6 years younger than I am and he is a non-muslim and of a different race altogether. We got closer and he gave me strength to walk out of the relationship with my boyfriend.

When I asked my boyfriend for a break up, he broke down especially after finding out the girl's real character and that me and my family found out about him cheating on me, he refused to let me go, but I walked out on him still.

My parents advised me to patch things up with my boyfriend,  he was really sorry and have cut off all ties with that girl,  my parents said ´don't condemn a man for one mistake.' yes, it's true that for the whole almost ten years we were together, I was happy until the end when I found out he cheated on me.  I have no feelings for him anymore. God is great, the whole decade I was with him, I was madly in love with him. When such things happened, those feelings just vanished. Proved that only God's love and a parents' love lasts. I neglected my parents pleas to get married as soon as possible when we were still freshly dating. I thought I was having a perfect life and didn't want to be bogged down with marriage,  a part of me regretted that.

All my life, I neglect and didn't heed my parents advice and all my plans just crumbled one after another.  I accepted my boyfriend´s marriage proposal as advised by my parents because I don't want to lead an unfilial life anymore. So we got engaged and we're getting married in dec this year.

My friend, the younger guy, I'm in love with him now. We are in love and i didn't mean for it to happen, but we got closer and the feelings grew, he is not willing to let me go but we are too different,  I'm older and after this incident, I know I can never love someone fully again. I feel like I'm pulling him down with my issues and there have been countless times I tried to end and discontinue contacting him but we always end up missing each other and still wanting to hold on. We even made a pact to just stay friends...but alas, we couldn't and he still wants me as his wife. He is still a student, and asks me to wait for him for 2 years for him to finish studying and get married.

My question is,

1. I can't connect with my fiance anymore, we used to be bestfriends and lovers and we could talk about everything and anything under the sun. now we just keep quiet, we don't talk and I find myself a recluse with him and kind of hostile, sure we are polite to each other sometimes, formally but we don't have lengthy conversations anymore. I find myself stoning away most of the time.

2. I can't seem to forget my younger friend. I cry everytime I think of him and I miss him so much. I want to be strong and end this diplomatically so he can move on but I'm scared if I'm making the wrong decision, he is young and i'm scared, scared of starting a new in a relationship, scared of what-if he ends up cheating on me too, scared I'll waste my time and him if we never work out in the future.

3. Should I break up the engagement and be with my younger friend?-based on chemistry, connection and love alone.

4. Did I make a mistake of accepting my fiance? the guy who cheated on me?

5. If I call off the engagement, I know my parents will be deeply disappointed and I don't want to that at all cost.

I have accepted the fact that my marriage with my cheating fiance will not be out of love,  if in the future the feelings developed then good for me,  if it does not, I expected that but a part of me wants to take the risk and be with the guy I love, my younger friend.

Please help. I cry every night worrying about this.

dweeb


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3 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaykum,
    You have not mentioned if you are a Muslim or not. Anyways, if you are a Muslim our advice would be based on the principles of Islam and on an ethical code of conduct which may seem to be strict at first instance. Answers to your questions can be summed up as:

    1. 10 Years of relation without marriage is displeasing to Allah and as per Islam either you should marry or stop unnecessary contact with that person. Now you may be hostile due to lack of good communication as before and because your mind is split between two people (before it was only you two – now there are more people involved in sharing time, emotions and feelings). So sit with yourself in a room, alone and think out what do you want for yourself. You know yourself best apart from Allah.

    2. Your other friend is young. So let him study. Infatuations at young age do happen and he may later find you old and may incline towards younger girls. May also be the opposite, if he is serious, he may even work hard for this. Allah knows, we don’t. But as he is a non Muslim, in any case, your marriage with him would lead you to disobedience to Allah and is a path to the Hell Fire.

    Surah Baqarah: 221. Wed not idolatresses till they believe; for lo! a believing bondwoman is better than an idolatress though she please you; and give not your daughters in marriage to idolaters till they believe, for lo! a believing slave is better than an idolater though he please you. These invite unto the Fire, and Allah inviteth unto the Garden, and unto forgiveness by His grace, and expoundeth thus His revelations to mankind that haply they may remember.

    3. True love and its measure would be visible after marriage. Chemistry, physics and biology lessons begin after marriage. Those who have begun them before marriage have know the evil consequences of it and those who have not tasted may taste if Allah wills. So know that a person who fears Allah the most than all others around you and is aware of Allah’s commands in the Qur’an is the best person for you and not a non Muslim, though he may please you.

    4. A person may cheat and until you are married, you cannot claim any rights over that person, forget about accepting again, because he is still a non-mahram to you. So, Allah has shown you his conduct, if he truly repents to Allah and with time everyone notices the change and his devotion to Islam and increase in goodness, then you may give him a chance and get married. But you have to wait to see a change. Depends on how you want to go ahead with it.

    5. Let the whole world be disappointed by an action, but if it is pleasing Allah and is good with the intention of pleasing Allah, then nothing of the world matters more. Just read the Qur’an and find out for yourself, what kind of life should Muslims live, what kind of life you are living, how much you lag behind and how much you need to move forward and decide for yourself how to move ahead with this objective and what sort of marriage would help you do it.

    6. If you both repent to Allah and are of one mind that none will cheat and be good to each other and live as good Muslims by the will of Allah, then Insha Allah, Allah will give love and mercy between your hearts.
    No need to panic. Cut off conversations with both. Allow yourself to ponder upon the past, the present and how you want to move ahead in future and most important “ what do you want to send for your soul before the Day of Judgment?”

    Hope once you think on your own and read the Qur’an, Insha Allah you will have all questions answered for yourself.

    And we pray to Allah to ease your way for you.

    IMP: This is the reason why Islam forbids love relationships without marriage. It leads to Fire. And in the Fire of emotional and mental disturbance people burn and are lost in to darkness from light.

    May Allah help us be devoted to Him and gaurd us Muslims from the traps of Shaytaan.

    • All excellent points. I agree with everything brotherMunib has written. I advise you sister to end both relationships. Your "boyfriend" relationship is not halal, and this man has demonstrated that he is untrustworthy. Your relationship with the other younger man is also going nowhere, as he is non-Muslim and not allowable to you for marriage.

      Cut them both off and start over by focusing on your relationship with Allah. Learn about your religion, and modify your behavior accordingly, and Insha'Allah, Allah will bless you and bring about something good for you.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Sister, we as humans are bound 2 make mistakes but d best of us are those who regret over thier deeds and turn 2 Allah in repentance. . . U should'nt jurdge him with d past mistakes he made as no body is above mistake (including ur self). . . . Am sorry, i just want 2 say some harsh truth... U found fault in him 4 d fact dat he dated a girl b4, even after he apologised,,. but u don't consider ur self at fault by u dating ur younger friend even now dat u are already engaged and getting married in d next 6 month. . . Sister i think u have 2 b fair in all ur affairs.. How do think he will feel when he get 2 know about ur relationship with dat guy now dat u are already engaged with him? How do u think ur parent will feel?. . . Why not try 2 put ur leg in his sheos and see how painfull and frustrating it is??? I think d best advice i will give u is 2 terminate d relationship btw u and younger friend and look up 2 december for ur marriage... . . that does'nt mean u should b too harsh on him but u must be very strict and very carefull.. Try 2 show him d beauty of islam, try 2 persuade him 2 accept islam, try 2 convince him dat muhammad(SAW) is the massanger of Allah (and if he need any proof, be it miracullous or any kind of proof... Pls don't hesitate 2 contact us here). No one will come 2 God except through him (SAW)... InshaALLAH he may be convinced and enter into d fold of islam. . .

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