Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My Husband has been Away for 3 years; as a result, I Masturbate

Missing husband, absent husband, man with suitcase at airport

Husband has left her and she is lonely

I have been married for 5 years now but i spend only two years with my husband before he travels. i really enjoy these two years with him very well because we love each other so dearly.

Now that he travel for 3 years i cannot stop thinking about him.

I am really missing him so much and i always text him and explain to him how i feel but he told me that he is also feeling the way but he cannot come or send me an invitation to go and visit him because he don't have paper yet.

All these days i am really mad to have sex but i can't but it make me to masturbate seriouly.

please any advice

~ cesa

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32 Responses »

  1. Salamualaikum,

    Cesa, it is understandable. What you feel and what you are desperate for is justified. Being a Human Being, this feeling is normal.
    In system of marriage, one of the purposes is that a person fulfils the physical desire with his or her spouse. This is something that even brings barakah.

    A husband is not allowed to stay away from his wife when he has a choice to stay with her in her place, for more than 6 months, when the wife does not give him the permission. He should either come back if you ask him to do so, or should take you there. If he tries, I believe the papers can be prepared.

    Kashshaaf al-Qinaa’ (5/193):

    If the husband travels and leaves her because of an excuse or need, then her right to a share of his time and intimacy is waived, even if his journey is lengthy, because there is an excuse. …

    If the traveller does not have an excuse that prevents him from returning and he is absent for more than six months, if she asks him to return then he must do that, because of the report narrated by Abu Hafs with his isnaad from Yazeed ibn Aslam who said:

    Whilst ‘Umar was patrolling Madeenah, he passed by a woman who was saying: “This night is getting very long and very dark because I do not have my partner to play with. By Allaah, were it not for the fear of Allaah and for modesty, then this bed would shake under me.”

    He asked about her and was told that she was So and so whose husband was absent (in jihad) for the sake of Allaah. He sent a woman to stay with her, and he sent for her husband to come back.

    Then he entered upon Hafsah and said: O my daughter, how long can a woman bear to be away from her husband? She said: Subhaan Allaah, would one such as you ask one such as me about that?

    He said: Were it not that I want to make a decision concerning the Muslims I would not have asked you. She said: Five months or six months. So he set a time limit for the people on their campaigns of six months: they would march for a month, then stay there for four months, then take another month for the journey back.

    (end quote)

    Shaykh Ibn Jibreen (may Allaah preserve him) was asked: I am a young man living abroad and I am married, praise be to Allaah, but the country in which I am working only allows a few employees to bring their wives. What is the Islamic ruling on that, as the job is only for a year or fourteen months to be precise?

    He replied: Some of the Sahaabah set a limit for a husband’s absence at four months, and others set it at half a year, but that applies when a wife has asked her husband to come back. If he has been away for half a year and she asks him to come back and he is able to, then he must come back. If he refuses then she has the right to refer the matter to the qaadi (judge) and have the marriage annulled. But if she allows her husband to stay, even if it is for a long time, and more than one or two years, then there is nothing wrong with that because it is her right that she has waived, so she cannot demand an annulment so long as she has agreed to his being away and so long as her provision, clothing and other needs are assured. And Allaah is the Source of strength. End quote from Fataawa Islamiyyah (3/212).

    Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) was asked about a man who was married and had children from his wife.

    He says: I travelled from my homeland to improve my situation and I was absent for nearly three years. Please note that I never stopped sending money and was in constant touch with my wife. Does she have any rights in sharee’ah and what are they? Is there any sin on me for that?

    He (may Allaah have mercy on him) replied: I say that the wife’s right over her husband is that he may enjoy intimacy with her and she with him, as is usually the case. If he stays away from her to seek a living with her consent, and she is in a safe place where there is no fear that anything will happen to her, then there is nothing wrong with that, because the right is hers but if she agrees to waive it and she is completely safe and secure, then there is nothing wrong with his being away for three years or more or less. But if she asks him to come back then the matter should be referred to the judges to rule as they see fit in accordance with the laws of Allaah, may He be glorified and exalted. End quote from Fataawa Noor ‘ala al-Darb.

    Do not let yourself watch Haraam while your husband is away. I know it is difficult, but you don't have a choice but to have a relation is a Halaal way. You are not even allowed to look at anyone's awrah except for your husband's.

    So, what you should do is to call him back or ask him to try and take you there at any cost. If he does not agree for whatever reason, you have the option of approaching a Qadhi who would then contact him and instruct him to return.

    Regarding the papers, if he does it with trust in Allah, with conviction that Allah Will Help, then insha Allah, The Most Merciful Lord Will Help.

    I hope this helps you take the correct decision and help you bring your husband back.

    Muhammad Waseem
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. salaam,

    i think you should focus on something else that would occupy your time more such as hanging with friends or cooking cakes etc. and remind yourself constantly that it is haraam (find the will inside you to stop)and your husband wouldnt be pleased as well try being in more connection with allah for example read quran more with translation etc. as a result by becoming closer to allah (swt.) you will also become a better person.as well as this if you do watch haraam and forbidden things avoid it as it stops you from getting sexual desires and you may have to go to serious matters like avoid going on the internet at all but i found that it is best to make a bond with allah

  3. asalmoalikum wrwb .
    I know your situation sis as I am going through same situation its very easy to say to annulled the marriage but its not possible as its not the solution .like you I myself is trying to quit this habit during ramadan I never indulged in it but after that I have given in to this sin but I noticed it only happens when I see erotic things may Allah forgive us .lets try not to go through this cycle be light and fast as much and lets be away from those things that lead to that may Allah help us all to get rid of this habit and forgive us ameeeeeen.

  4. u can never know unless u are in same situation, the body will always want to have sex as long as u are normal, my husb is away for 2and ahalf years now and sometimes u just want to go crazy but again isnt it better than cheating?

  5. I am in the same boat mine is away since 5years now whenever i masturbate i watched haram i felt a lot of guilt may Allah forgive us ameen

  6. Assalamu Alaikum Sister,

    This is absolutely normal for any human being. It means you are normal. We are designed to feel this. If husband is far away from you then its very normal. I am not giving you any fatwa. Masturbation is better than zina whether before or after marriage.
    Allah azzawajjal made this religion easy for us. Its a urge and whoever say its haram and you are not a better person because of that they are not very supportive in this matter.

    My husband also lives far and we cant see each other quite often. SOmetimes its very normal to have that. Also its good for your body when the pressure is released. The problem will be when we involve in this too much and try not to find a solution. Excessive masturbation is bad for health. If you have skype then you both should have it together if you like.

    Sometimes fasting, reciting Quran and doing extra Ibadaat cant stop the feeling. Now you will find lots of people will start saying "oohh this woman is crazy about ....." well yes she is and why she shouldnt be?! Allah azzawajjal has created both men and women with this beautiful desire.

    Dont divorce just because of that as you said you both love each other. Just try skype it will help. 🙂
    May Allah azzawajjal make us his excellent servants.

    Walaikumsalam

    • Asalamu Alaikum sis,

      I'm in a similar situation where my husband is away from me,
      And it is so hard,
      But please sis,
      Don't not encourage masturbation saying it's not Haram.
      Masturbation is Haram.

      Abdullaah ibn Mas’ood said, "We were with the Prophet while we were young and had no wealth whatsoever. So Allaah’s Messenger said, "O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty (i.e. his private parts from committing illegal sexual intercourse etc.), and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power." Bukhari:5066.

      The hadeeth orders men who are not able to marry to fast despite the hardship encountered in doing so, and not to masturbate despite the ease with which it can be done.
      And the same goes for women.

      Allah says: "Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things) and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts, etc.). That is purer for them. Verily, Allah is all-aware of what they do. And tell the believing women to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things) and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts, etc.) ..... " 24.30-31

      So how then can you justify masturbation and say it's not Haram?

      I agree with you that it is a natural thing which is why marriage is the Sunnah and recommended to keep us away from evil such as Zina and masturbation.

      Even to masturbate over Skype, is still masterbation.
      It is still Haram.
      That's why it's so important in islam that a man isn't allowed to stay away from his wife for a long period of time, unless she allows him to because it's her right to be sexually satisfied by her husband.
      That's one of her major rights in Islam and if he can't fulfill that then that allows her to divorce him.

      Please don't make Halal that which is Haram just because it is a easy solution.

      Even if Divorce is something that is so hard to do and something you should try to avoid until necessary,
      Having your desires fulfilled is a major necessity.

      If your husband cannot give you that,
      Then in the long run it is better to divorce and marry a man who can, which then you can avoid doing any of the haram such as mastsurbating or Zina.

      And Allah knows best.

  7. Sisters, I found the solution for this problem.

    I give some Sadaqa every day, 5 riyals or 2 dollars or 20 rupees depending where you are, every day, then immediately after giving it, I make sincere Tauba to Allah and beg him for saving me from this azaab of zina. for three months now I am saved.

    Please follow this recipe and let others know if it worked.

  8. you and your husband spent 2 years together. its mean alot... look at me... this is my 3rd anniversary. i have one daughter... but my husband spent just 3 months and 10 days with me... i love him so much... but he soesn"t pay any heed towards me... he just luv his siblings and mother... he doesn't come and meet me because he fullfil his mother and siblings demand by earning money thre.. thats it.. send me just very small amount of money... thats why i do job to complete my expenses... i am 23 years old a girl...and i can't bear all these... thats why i am very very sick.. my daughter is now 2 years old but he doesn't come.. he is 38 years old but i think dont love me

    • @anum: Why you married a 38 year old? Where do you both live? Do you even know if he has another wife?

      • contact a qadi or ask him directly
        find a solution to it
        problems does not solve by itself
        Allah is not in front to lead you
        he is behind you have to take the lead and Allah swt will help you in all aspects inshallah
        if ther is not solution finding others in better option

    • Dear Sister,
      I feel really sorry about you and it made me sad when i read your story,
      just pray to Allah SWT that he will return soon. and just by the way why did you marry such an old man ?? he only spent 3 months with you.....

      • My husband is away from me since 2 years . i don't do musterbate but i think sexually with/ about him. Is it haram to think sexually ? I just think about my husband

        • Its really tough

        • Asalamu Alaikum sis,

          Allah is so Merciful that you are not accountable for what you think.

          The thought is dangerous because it can lead to you actually doing it through your actions;

          But if it's just a thought alone, it is not Haram.

          Even if you intend to do something evil but don't actually do it,
          You will not get a reward, nor are you sinful.
          If you intend to do a something good but you don't actually do it, you will be rewarded.

          There's nothing wrong with you just thinking about your husband,
          Even that is better than thinking about something haram with another person etc

          And Allah knows best.

    • This Situation is same as through i'am suffering.. as i married to a 47 yrs old man while i was 21. my husband also lives in abroad and we spend only 2 months together... now it's my 2nd marriage anevirsary and he is not with me now i am not able to control my sexual feelings. please suggest me what should i do..

      • Do spend time with like minded friends Fatima

      • Asalamu Alaikum Sis,
        You have rights in Islam to have your desires fulfilled.
        It is Haram to masturbate but there is a difference of opinion,
        When it comes to picking the lesser of two evils,
        Masturbating is better than Zina.
        However,
        This again is something you should try your best to avoid and keep yourself busy and try not to see anything Haram which may trigger your sexual desires.
        If you fall into it,
        Just keep asking Allah for forgiveness because we are all sinful.
        Repent sincerely no matter how many times you fall into it,
        Get back up and repent.
        It is so so so hard, May Allah make it easy for you;
        But a woman has rights just like the man does.
        If you need your desires to be fulfilled and have asked him to come back to you,
        And he hasn't,
        Or asked him to take you with him but he doesn't,
        Read what the brother posted above.

        You are allowed to seek divorce because the fulfilment of your sexual desires is your right and if he can't give that to you, then you don't have to stay in this relationship because it's leading you to do Haram and in the long term you are suffering and the suffering won't stop.
        That's why, as hard as it is to divorce, you have to think about the relief long term because then you can actually persue a marriage which your desires can be fulfilled and long term you will be satisfied, not needing to do Haram.

        In the end,
        You are the one suffering and if you don't take action,
        You are oppressing yourself and allowing yourself Haram because you know staying in this relationship will make you still have sexual desires which can't be fulfilled because your husband isn't coming back to you.
        So in the end, you will also be accountable for not giving your own self your rights.
        If that makes sense sis.

        Our bodies have a right over us,
        And if we don't help our bodies, then we will be questioned about it.
        Divorce isn't easy, but if it provides long lasting relief in the future,
        Do istikhara and trust Allah for He will show you a way out.

        May Allah make it easy for you. Divorce is not easy at all but instead of seeing it as masturbating is better than Zina (which is true),
        See it as, divorcing and marrying again and having halal sex which pleases Allah is farrrrr greater and better for you in the long term, far better than masturbating and faaaaaaarrr better than Zina.

        And Allah knows best.

      • Allah is great , dont worry . Why you married such a old guy? Where are u living

    • Sis..Don't be sad... make Dua... Allah always hear us...He will surely return and take you ...May Allah shower his blessings upon you...When u beg Allah...You are asking the right source so don't be down...Have faith sis

    • Asalamu Alaikum Sis,
      You have rights in Islam to have your desires fulfilled.
      It is Haram to masturbate but there is a difference of opinion,
      When it comes to picking the lesser of two evils,
      Masturbating is better than Zina.
      However,
      This again is something you should try your best to avoid and keep yourself busy and try not to see anything Haram which may trigger your sexual desires.
      If you fall into it,
      Just keep asking Allah for forgiveness because we are all sinful.
      Repent sincerely no matter how many times you fall into it,
      Get back up and repent.
      It is so so so hard, May Allah make it easy for you;
      But a woman has rights just like the man does.
      If you need your desires to be fulfilled and have asked him to come back to you,
      And he hasn’t,
      Or asked him to take you with him but he doesn’t,
      Read what the brother posted above.

      You are allowed to seek divorce because the fulfilment of your sexual desires is your right and if he can’t give that to you, then you don’t have to stay in this relationship because it’s leading you to do Haram and in the long term you are suffering and the suffering won’t stop.
      That’s why, as hard as it is to divorce, you have to think about the relief long term because then you can actually persue a marriage which your desires can be fulfilled and long term you will be satisfied, not needing to do Haram.

      In the end,
      You are the one suffering and if you don’t take action,
      You are oppressing yourself and allowing yourself Haram because you know staying in this relationship will make you still have sexual desires which can’t be fulfilled because your husband isn’t coming back to you.
      So in the end, you will also be accountable for not giving your own self your rights.
      If that makes sense sis.

      Our bodies have a right over us,
      And if we don’t help our bodies, then we will be questioned about it.
      Divorce isn’t easy, but if it provides long lasting relief in the future,
      Do istikhara and trust Allah for He will show you a way out.

      May Allah make it easy for you. Divorce is not easy at all but instead of seeing it as masturbating is better than Zina (which is true),
      See it as, divorcing and marrying again and having halal sex which pleases Allah is farrrrr greater and better for you in the long term, far better than masturbating and faaaaaaarrr better than Zina.

      And Allah knows best.

  9. this is exam
    islam is a guide who follows it is victory is his forever
    but here is not the place for resutls

    it teaches sabr testing you in it
    if you dont hold your horses then how will you prove you are on islam

  10. Asalamu Alaikum sister,
    In the end sisters,

    Only you can evaluate and see how things are.

    If it's a short term thing but your husbands will come back to you,
    Then have Sabr,
    Fast,
    Read Quran,
    Give Charity,
    Try to get closer to Allah,
    Try to sleep over at your family home,
    Stay occupied with your righteous companions,
    And fill your time with things that would keep you busy such as seeking knowledge, organising, sowing, cooking, baking etc
    Online courses to gain knowledge, going to a all female gym or working out at home.

    And always renew your intentions for the sake of Allah alone,
    Seek refuge in Allah from the evil of shaytan, read your morning and evening Adkhaars, and make loads of duaa to Allah and constantly repent to Allah.

    However,
    If it is a long term thing where your husband will be away for a long time and he has no intention of coming back or won't come back and won't take you there with him.
    Then do seriously consider divorce for your own wellbeing.

    And in the end we will all return to Allah.

    The Messenger of Allah (Salal-Allaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said: “One amongst the inhabitants of Hell, who had lived a
 life of ease and pleasure in the world, would be made to dip in the Hell Fire only once on the Day of Resurrection. 
 Then he would be asked: ‘O son of Adam, Did you find any comfort. Did you get any blessing?’ He would say: ‘By Allah, no, my Lord!’ Then a person, from the inhabitants of Paradise, who had led the most miserable life (in the world), would be made to dip once in Paradise and it would be said to him: ‘O son of Adam, did you face any hardship or experience any distress?’ he would say: ‘By Allah! No never have I experienced any hardship or distress’.” (Saheeh Muslim, No. 6738)


    May Allah make it easy for you all and may Allah make a way out for you from this hardship.

    & Allah knows best.

  11. I m on the same boat... M married for 4 years now with one daughter ...my husband is staying abroad since 1n half year... He came on his leave for 1 month.... I thought he will fulfill all my sexual desire but I feel neglected by him... I had to beg him for sex... N he simply refuses me.... He prefers maturating over intercourse...This is so disheartening... Sometimes I feel m in the wrong relationship...dis is not happening after having kid he had no sexual desire since v got married... It's like v hav 1 or 2 times a month n dat to as a work not pleasure...I feel so helpless so I end up masturbating in the presence of my husband.. N he doesn't care about my feeling... Wat shud I do... Plz help...

    • Zeenat, we have answered questions similar to yours. Please search the archives.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Im in the same boat .how old are you . Same thing with me

      • I really feel for everyone, but I will say a man who cannot fulfill his wife's desires is wrong and it is unislamic. It's actually a form of oppression, did you know this??.
        These are the basic rights of a wife!
        My view is plain and simple if the man is using excuses and not giving the natural rights to the woman and fulfilling her physical desire then I really cannot see the point in marriage at all!
        Muslim women should be strong and stand up for what is right instead of making excuses for a man who is clearly not taking any notice of Allahs (swt) instructions.
        May the Almighty bless us with great understanding of our religion may he keep us from being oppressed and may he grant us with strength to leave those who oppress.

        • Sexual behavior is a complex issue. It is important that people try to understand sexual nature of opposite sex as much as possible. Most women seem to think men withhold sex on purpose.

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