Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Meddling and abusive in-laws

Hard Times

Hard times - you are not alone.

As salaamu alaikum,

I have been married now almost 3 years, me and my husband were introduced to one another through family and friends, my husband knew of me however I did not know him, only through what my father had told me about him. Once we were formally introduced We went through a process of getting to know one another and then within the year we were married. I was told that we were to live together with his family after we got married. I genuinely felt after meeting his family prior to marriage it would be lovely to live together (there was a total of 9 adults and 3 children at the time - now we have had an addition of two more children Ma'shallah my daughter and my brother in laws 3rd son).

At the start of our marriage we were very happy Alhamdullilah, my husband was good to me and his family seemed nice. I always found it odd that his sister whom had been married and had a child was still living with us, but they always told me that they had difficulty in calling her husband over from Pakistan due to some visa issues. I never realy questioned it.

After some months of being married the problems started. First it would be comments about my dress or the way I spoke to my husband- why was he being affectionate to me or vice versa- then things about why we always went out  once a week to a restaurant little things like that.. Then I slowly started seeing a change in my husband he started to become very distant he wasn't as loving and affectionate anymore he started to switch off he wouldn't communicate much either.

Then during my first ramadhan at my inlaws my mother in law fell out with me, I had been fasting and then in the evening I had washed everyone's dishes and I had left them to dry on the sink top and went to pray when I came down my mother in laws had created a huge fuss over why I had left the dishes I got abused verbally etc. I got upset I cried, I had never been spoken to like that nor was I from a family that spoke or conducted themselves in such a manner, it was a complete shock to the system. I hadn't mentioned anything to my husband. But then its started my mother law and his sister would start having quiet words with him while I wasn't around continue to fill his mind about things Id supposedly done or said or behaved like.

Me and my husband started arguing a lot, most our arguments were based around his family. Eventually he asked me to make up with his mum - to be honest she frightens me, she makes me feel nervous and on edge. But regardless I made an effort and I let things go and tried to do as much as I could for them, but then when I would go to spend time with them I would always have to listen to backbiting constantly obscene language and witness behaviour that made me very uncomfortable. Again Id distance myself and again my husband would be spoken to and he would behave in a very malicious manner towards Me - he has never laid a hand on me but the emotional abuse has been the worst.

There were points in my marriage when I genuinely felt myself loosing hope but I continued to keep going. I have been sworn at by his father whilst I was pregnant, abused emotionally over and over again by his mother, physically abused by his sisters. Over time we have had many issues in the home regarding other family members also including myself, there is always a constant battle in this house with some person or another.

recently my mother inlaw accused the other daughter inlaw of black magic, she's accused her own husband of divorcing her. She lives in the basement of the house which has been converted in to a bedroom bathroom and kitchenette.  Now she's been whispering into my husbands ear, which is causing rifts between me and him, to a point where he does not even want to be around me, I find it so difficult, it's hurtful and upsetting, we also have a daughter together Now Ma'shallah but I feel like a single parent in a household full of "family". I know that we need to really move out we are short on space but his father is adamant we all live together regardless of whether anyone gets on.

Both brothers have been so emotionally abused. By their parents they can't make a single move, no one is willing to move out, it is getting harde and harder to live together in one house, but when I mention this to my husband he simply says "if your not happy then there's the door" this is really hurtful as I do not wish to ruin my marriage over such things.

I know the man i marrid is still there somewhere howevr I just do not know how to deal with the situation that im in. I do not want my husband to sever his relationship with his parents, ive always tried to encourage him to sit with his mother and father and although I genuinely do not like the environment we live in I haven't ever stopped my daughter from spending time with her grandparents or aunties. I just feel as though by being here im compromising my deen, and this is something I do not want to do. I'm not a perfect muslim but Inshallah i want to strive towards being a better muslim Inshallah, so that Inshallah i can raise my daughter to be a good muslim also Inshallah.

I would really appreciate any advice on how to deal with such a situation, and how I could possibly speak to my husband about moving out without fear of him retaliating the way he does. I feel as though distance may make us have a better relationship or atleast keep things civil between us all as being forced to live under one roof is creating nothing but resentment and constant arguing. I do want to have at least a civil relationship with his family however by living I feel this is becoming harder to have. The situation is tricky due to his parents "separation" even though they still live in the same home just in different areas of the home. But I really pray there is a way we can move out. I have witnessed what living together has done to each and every member of this family n how bad of an impact it has had on everyone deen and I fear of the same happening to me. I pray allah sWt continue to protect n guide me Inshallah, it has been a very testing 3 years.


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5 Responses »

  1. Sister, it's your right in Islam to live seperatly. You are not obliged to take a abuse from anyone.

    I would talk to him about the physical and verbal abuse and if he doesn't care, because he had grown up around it....then you need to protect your daughter.

    I would say it's up to you. How long do you want to put up with this behaviour and hen is your breaking point when you say enough is enough and you need boundaries from his parents?

    When you reach that point, and realize it's your right to be happy and safe from abuse...then I would say talk to your husband, and tell him you need seperate housing or else you are going away.

    His parents seem to have enough help at home and there is not excuse for abuse...ever. dont take it from anyone my dear, you are not a door mat that people can step on and you just say, it okay....well. its not. and these peopel need to change their way as a family.

  2. and sister, its about your daughter. what are you teaching her?

    you are teaching her that abuse is okay.

    You are teaching her that if you are abused, you sit there and take.

    foul language towards others is acceptable.

    that hitting others and people hitting mama is just another part of life

    that if you are being abused, you cant leave and you cant escape that its just a part of life.


    To me that is a huge deal breaker in a marriage. I dont know about you. But what i want my children, both boy and girl to know is that its never okay to hit another person, for any reason.

    its never okay to swear to and degrade another human being.

    and if you are upset, you hold your tongue- and you show respect no matter how you feel about any person.

    Love and respect are much more important that abuse. and most importantly to know that if they are in a bad situation, they can change their life and stand up for themselves. They are worth it, they are lovable and are worthy of respect and kindness and dont deserve to be maltreated.

  3. Sister what you are describing here is NOT a marriage!! You are basically a slave and a door mat.

    First of all its your RIGHT to live seperatly!! You should Never tolarate abuse from anyone EVER!!! By staying with your "husband" and in laws you are sinning, because you are beeing a slave to them when you should only be a slave to ALLAH swt, you let them abuse you, when you should know as a muslim , your body is a imanat from Allah swt and on the day of judgment you will be asked about it, physical and mental abuse is bad for your health and at the same time a sin.

    If you want to continue sinning and staying in this "marriage" fine but what about your daughter??? doesnt she deserve to be brought up in a save environment, shouldt she be around practicing muslim? instead she has to listen to backbiting, she sees you beeing a slave and a door mat and thinks thats how a marriage should be, she will tolarate abuse in future from her future husband, she will start backbiting and all the other things what she will see around her happening will be normal to her!!! kids copy their parents, doesnt matter how many time you tell them backbiting is wrong but when they see you doing it or people in the household, they copy it, thats how they learn. You have to protect your daughter from them, doesnt matter grandparents or not, your daughters future is more important, dont you think so??

    You husband is showing his true colors!!! you are right it is a test from ALLAH swt so you should pass the test and move as soon as possible inshALLAH save your daughters life and akhira and also yours, do not tolerate abuse and dont be slave to anyone but ALLAH swt sister. That is NOT a marriage!! do not wait another few years, stop the sin now and inshALLAH ALLAH will provide for you and your child. Start making a plan to get out of there and save money. Do your parents know about this abuse???do they support you??Do you have a degree?

  4. Dear Sister,

    I feel sad to know that you are going through a tough time in your marriage. I make dua that Allah puts peace and happiness in your married life.

    Getting a divorce is not as easy and is definitely not the first step to take in a difficult situation. It is the last step to take in a marriage where all other means to save the marriage have failed.

    According to what I have read in your post it seems that your " in laws " are from a cultural background where they have spent their entire life in a certain way according to the culture they have lived in. In certain cultures it's frowned upon if the children want to live separately after marriage. And the children no matter how old they become , they always follow the wishes (order) of the parents, and any resistance to the parents wishes would look like they are committing a sin. Also, in certain cultures the mother in law has a negative image of the daughter in law no matter how good she is.

    They expect their children to follow in the same cultural style of living. Please understand that since they have grown old there is very little chance of them to mend their ways and adapt to the way of living in today's world.

    But your husband seems like a better person. Please try to make your husband happy and get him in the mood and slowly try to change his mind into deciding to live separately from his parents. You have the right to separate accommodation but demanding this right by fighting with your husband will have a detrimental effect on your and your child's life. You can convince him to make the decision by being the wife he expects you to be and talking about it when he is in a good mood.

    I think your relationship with your husband would improve greatly if you both live separately from his parents.

    If that fails then the next step would be to involve elders in his and your family to discuss the possibility of living separately for the betterment of the whole family.

    If you have enough patience and if you really love your husband then it would be better if you could bear for sometime and make dua that the situation gets better. Inshallah you will be rewarded immensely for your patience.

    Make lots of dua to Allah to change your husbands heart and to make a decision to live separately. Allah is the controller of the hearts and if Allah wills then surely your husband would agree one day to live separately.

    In the meantime remain steadfast on the deen and keep practicing and learning more about Islam.

    May Allah bless your married life with peace and happiness.

    • May Allah bless you and help you.

      Of course you have a right to live separately. But who is willing to give you your right. Your husband? he is showing you the door instead. He thinks you are mistaken. You have to win your husband's heart. Here are few tips :-

      Complaining your husband about his family involves backbiting. Don't complain him about his family just bear everything for sake of Allah. If he is a gentleman he will soon realize that you are innocent.
      You know if your husband loves you and takes your care, you can still manage a happy life without moving out.

      I think you know him more than us in how to win his heart. Concentrate on his likes and dislikes.

      May Allah ease you here and in the hereafter.

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