Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Mental trauma after divorce

Divorce decree


I am sharing my experience to just to get some advice or to know if someone had experienced similar trial in their life.

I had got married a few months back with a decent girl. She was the girl I had wanted to marry. After marriage I however did not feel physical attraction towards her. Yes, like any youth I was exposed to the filth of fawahish, but Alhamdulillah, I 100% not into filth anymore from the beginning of 2015. Even in the innocent high school days when my fitrah was pure and intact, I would only feel attraction to big girls, who has smooth skin and a lot of straight hair. My wife was not a big girl and she did not have those other features.

After four months of marriage, I was sure in my heart that I will not be able to do justice to her. I had loved her, but due to having no sexual passion or attraction, I divorced her. This was the toughest decision in my life. She did not want divorce. I did not want it either, but I concluded that I did not want to live my life with someone who I did not feel attracted towards. Also before marriage I was a man who would lower his gaze zealously and after marriage, I could not. It became clear to me that being single was much less of a trial than being married with someone whom I did not feel fully attracted to. I did not consummate the marriage and gave her a big chunk of money after divorce, although our mahr was very modest.

After divorce, I am going through a period grieving naturally. I am going through the pain of letting someone down, shattering dreams. My imaan has received a big blow. I have lost the sweetness of faith completely. My mind now constantly battle with the following questions:

  1. I first and foremost question my faith: have I done all the good deeds so many years only to get a beautiful girl or did I do all those good deeds to earn the pleasure of Allah subHanahu wataa’la?
  1. I question my intention: if I really love Allah and His Messenger (S), then how is it that I am not able to like or love religious girl who does not fit into my criteria of beauty? Conversely, also if I truly love Allah and His Messenger (S), how do I feel attracted to girls who I see outside without hijab and usually have no regards to the deen of Allah? Is this an indication that there is a disease in my heart?
  1. Can a muslim be so shallow like me?
  1. If my imaan is really strong, why do I feel bad after being rejected by good looking girls?
  1. During my high school days, I had crush on several girls. However, I never spoke with them and I had also forgotten them, and yet through facebook, after many years I learned that they have all been married. I had asked the hand of the younger sister of one of the girls I had crush upon, and yet the her father had turned me down and choose a boy who was not religious.
  1. Now to overcome my mental confusion I am going through, I have decided to fully focus on worshipping Allah subHanahu wataa’la, and then I have the following whisper in my heart: well you are worshipping Allah because you are the sore loser. You have failed to achieve what you have wanted to achieve, and thus now you have accepted that grapes are sour, and since you have no other option, you are not worshipping Allah. Had Allah blessed you with what you had wished, would you have worshipped Allah as much as you are worshipping now?

Any suggestion how I can overcome my guilt feeling of divorce and my mental confusions and worship Allah with a genuine sincerity without clouding my mind with getting a beautiful girl?


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13 Responses »

  1. Well you shouldn't really leave a person because your not attracted to her because at the end of the day looks fade were as personality Doesent you should just move away from it might be really hard but if and when it's in Allahs will it will happen with someone else

  2. salam brother, i am 22 yr old girl and i kinda went through the same thing 7monthd ago. i got engaged with a guy who my parents chose for me within a week, and they organised our nikah. our mariage was not consumatrd, after 4 months i knew i didnt like him at all and although i kept trying to like him but i knew i couldnt be a good wife to him and it was not fair with him. we had alot of differences too which we failed to solve. we r seperated now, i went thro same feelings and kept questioning myself but honeslty my eyes has opend to alot of things now. i feel very close to God and i pray for that guy too. i have asked for forgiveness. At least i was honest to him and myself. what was ment to happen it happend now u can only pray and ask for forgiveness, keep the rest in Gods hands he takes care of everything. Although i feel like i have lost alot in my life i feel more satisfied than ever. Prayers can change our destiny so never lose hope. Allah is truley great and we should only ask him for help.
    May Allah give u inner peace.

  3. asalamu aleikum
    may peace n blessings of Allah be upon you now and forever brother in islam.
    bro i truly feel what you arw going through,all the query u ask yourself are the whispers of sheytan i urge you to seek refuge in Allah most.high whenever sheytan tries to his game.
    bro,talak is the only halal option Allah laid out for us if you are not happy in your marriage.and yes in marriage attraction has to be there so quit feeling bad about what happened coz nothing happens in this world that Allah isnt aware of as in it was decreed that way bro.
    may Allah bless you with inner peace and guide pious half to you all will be well akhi sometime to be stressed is good it expiates sins and make you learn more in life

    stay blessed akhi

    • As a malaikam
      I was going to comment to say what I felt but (honester) above me said almost the same thing. When an honest muslim makes a decision that is supported by the quran, as you have, the only explanation is that either Allah is testing you or shaitan is calling you. Maybe both. Stay strong brother stay with Allah. And be happy you allowed her to go so she may find a man who does feel strong attraction toward her. And who knows, once you are solid in faith again, maybe Allah has the woman of you dreams already waiting for you.

  4. You have divorced her because you were not attracted to her, and "she didn't want the divorce". You have divorced her based on physical appearance that you knew all along wasn't your type. In one word, you have done what you decided. So what is your issue now?
    Own up to your decision SubhanALLAH.

    • Letla83: You have divorced her based on physical appearance that you knew all along wasn't your type.

      I have a feeling this guy has performance problem and he thinks it is because he has no sexual passion or attraction towards the woman he married.

  5. Salam,
    After reading your post I want to have sympathy towards you but I'm finding it very difficult. I would completely understand if you were forced into this marriage or if you had never met your wife before but this wasn't the case and you have openly stated that you had wanted to marry her. Why did you marry her if you felt no attraction for her?

    It makes me so sad to hear that despite wanting to marry her you still divorced? After my own experience and reading that of others I really do feel that marriage has become a joke, and divorce has become so common and an almost immediate solution to most problems faced in marriage - it should be a last resort.

    I personally think that your feeling guilty now because you have obviously hurt her despite her doing nothing wrong and not wanting the divorce. You could go on to marry a super model, but even she will change especially when she becomes pregnant - stretch marks/weight gain etc. Also, what would you do if you married someone who you were very attracted to, she was perfect in every way but had a horrible personality, and was an awful wife - would you divorce her then? Or she was involved in an accident and suffered a disfigurement or handicap ? You would divorce her too?

    Sorry if I offend you but I feel it was really unfair on your ex wife to have to suffer through a divorce due to no fault of her own.

    I guess what's done is done, pls apologise to your ex and make dua for her to find happiness, and pray to Allah to guide you and put peace in your heart - like some said above it was your decision after all, so you should be content with your decision.

  6. It speaks volumes when some analyzes their thoughts and decisions ,so I commend you for that. In this case I think that all the questions you're asking your self are a form of self reflection. Never let shaytan tell you that the only reason you're turning to Allah is because you're a loser, because the ulternative would destroy you even further.So worship Allah, but don't disregard the idea of marriage in the future.

    With all of that being said I have to wonder, why did you marry this girl in the first place? Luckily physical attributes are seen, if you had said that her personality is the problem then that's understandable because sometimes it's hard to decipher. With qualities like weight, I mean you had to have known that she's not a big girl from first glance!!

  7. Salam, after reading it first I feel really sorry about this break up. Allah know better and his plans can't be averted. Unfortunately I am also going through the same thing i.e., post divorce depression. I got married one year ago. And after six months of my marriage I found out that my husband is suffering of Bipolar disorder and his mother is schizophrenic. So after consulting his personal psychiatrist I decided to leave him. As this was a genetic problem in his family. I feel myself helpless during his hypermanic attack . As during his attack he needs hospitalization and an injection "Clopixol" immediately. So I thought it better to live alone rather than in misery. But no one can eliminate post divorce depression else thn Allah Almighty.

  8. It sounds strange that you got divorced because you found your wife's breast too small .I felt some how you have done injustice to your wife and spoiled her reputation and confidence .From your writing and talk anybody will misunderstood you for a descent religious man but this is what you can do to girls after marriage ?

    Nothing can be advised further to you .You yourself need to come out of it .

    How you will find size next time ? What you will do if you end up in similar situation again ?

  9. The thing is you rejected a girl who was not willing to lose you. You may have broke her emotionally. I read your previous blog where you said you married the girl of your own choice. There could have been better options rather than divorcing her. Its the guilt that has grown inside of you because some where in your mind you do regret your decision that you have broke someone's heart. You should apologize your first wife for being so arrogant at her. Having lived in such a country divorces lead to emotional trauma for girls. Its better if you seek forgiveness from your wife.

  10. AOA.
    I have been through traumatic wedding and I can understand that although it was your decision to leave the person , its painful .
    I was married for months n left my husband because of his horrible personality . it was my decision to get divorced although I gave him multiple chances to reconcile! but no matter what divorce is painful . may Allah grant us peace. we muslims are not that close to anybody before marriages , but after marriage you start to think that your spouse is a part of yourself . which is okay in most cases but some times your heart is telling you otherwise and there is this complicated situation where your mind wants to stay because of fear of world or affliliation with that person but your soul is screaming to let go !! may Allah bless us all

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