Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am mentally drained from the cheating and beating

abusive husband

Salams. I have been married for 9 years. I have two sons, aged 7 and 6. My husband has been giving me many problems over the last 5 years. He drinks, smokes, womanizes and also has brought much financial pain to me. We were happily married, but I think he chose to care less after my boys were born.

There was one time we had a big quarrel, and I was feeling miserable. During that time, a guy friend used to contact me on Facebook. I also spoke to him and thought of meeting him for coffee. However, one day when I was with my husband, he called me and I avoided his call. My husband asked  me to call him back and scolded him and embarrassed me, too. I only spoke to him but did not go out or did anything with him, as I know he is married too.

After this incident, my husband called me parents and put me to shame. I asked him for forgiveness and told him will not have any contact with guy friends. My life became a living hell since that episode. He said I cheated on him at a time when we had no problems. He started to have affairs beginning in 2010. I only found out about the first one after I suspected it, as he came back late everyday and with love bites. He also booked a chalet for a woman he was expecting from a neighboring country when I was away from town for a learning trip. I discovered disgusting messages on his Facebook page, and saw explicit pictures. I questioned him and he said he will stop doing all these, but things did not end.

He continued and gave me false hopes. He also was very abusive verbally and started to hit meand tear my clothes when he disliked me questioning him. Everytime I discover his affairs, he denied it despite me having pictures and all. Last year was the most deadly one when I managed to get his phone and saw pictures of him and another slut in close intimacy. The worst was that they had sexual intercourse in the family car, and he videoed it and stored it in his phone. Ever since I saw the video, I have lost my happiness- not that I was happy all these years. But I did not imagine he could stoop this low.

He also seeks for new female friends on websites. I decided to leave him, as I was totally disgusted. But he turns violent everytime I speak to  him about separation, as he uses the kids to threaten me. He has not been a good father, yet he always tells me to leave if I want and give the kids to him. He has said so much to hurt me. My kids always witness me getting beaten. I wonder what impact will this lead to. I stayed all these years with the hope that he will change for the better, but I don't know if I waited too long.

I am not happy, but even now I am staying as I am scared he will take my kids away from me and will turn aggressive. I pray to Allah crying and telling Him to ease my worries, but things have not been getting better. I have confided in my siblings, and they tell me to leave him as he will not change. I am seriously feeling helpless.


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19 Responses »

  1. Asalmu aliakum sister firstly I want to say that nobody deserves to be in such physical and mental hurt especially with children, I would suggest speaking to other family members or the local mosque. They will get you in touch with the relevant people who can help you remove you and your children from this toxic situation. Please stay connected to Allah and ask for guidance inshallah change will come. Please be brave I must be very frightening but know there is always a safe place to go if you just speak to somebody.
    Take care if yourself and children and try ang get away from this man he has no good qualities if he abusrs you infront of the children physically. Inshallah Allah will help you out of this I pray for you sister.

  2. Assalam alaikum Sister,

    I pray that your situation has improved and that you are safe, inn shaa Allah.

    I would suggest that you save up money to live independently enough for a few months. Based on the fact that your husband is violent with you, I suggest that you do not discuss with him if and when you are going to separate from him. When you decide to do this, simply follow through with it.

    If it is possible, goto a family member or trusted friend.

    I will not suggest immediate divorce because I have seen instances where marriages have been saved after a separation (though not too many instances). I think that you should take careful steps to separate from your husband with the intention to make him realize the gravity of his actions. His behaviour will permanently and negatively affect your children -- and will possibly lead to trauma in their lives. It is never good for children to see their mother beaten and no good comes of it.

    Involve your family (elders) and an Imam if possible. Get some counselling for the abuse you are suffering. I can't imagine the pain you are going through, but I pray that you triumph over this very difficult trial.

    Hopefully, your husband will regret and change his actions, but Sister, hoping this will happen by taking no action yourself is unlikely if not impossible. What is very disturbing is the fact he is intimate with other women--this would mean that you have possibly been exposed to STIs. Please also see a doctor in this matter.

    May Allah's Mercy be upon you and your family, Ameen. I make du'a that your situation improve, Ameen.

  3. What a double standard. If a wife talks to a man, she can be shamed, insulted, beaten. On the other hand husband can openly meet women online, have sex in car and make movies of his sexual activity and poor wife can't do a thing.

    Photos of your husband with sluts and video of him having sex in car can definately help you with custody of kids if you live in a Western country. I don't think your husband is going to change. Your husbands behavior towards you and kids is may damage your kids psychological growth.

    There is a possibility of your husband getting some STD and may even pass it to you if you guys are still involved............

  4. Assalamu 3alaykum sister,

    My wife of six years now, who has been a friend of mine for almost 20 years, was until a few years ago with a very violent men, who knew exactly where to hit not to be seen as a violent man outside of the house (always in places that she could cover with clothes).
    You CANNOT tell him that you are leaving him, you need to go with the kids, and the minimum of clothes and tell your kids at the last minute, like an hour before, although you can tell them before that one day you might all go away to be safe. And you need to put significant distance between you and that ma, I am talking 300 km, 500 km, so that it will take him serious logistics to find you. And refuse any call from him for some time. And press charges as soon as you lend anywhere, the very next day or as soon as possible.

    My wife was kick out of her house almost once a week for seven years (when he would be really drunk ! which happened a lot), and she would come back for a thousand reason. She left many times for months, and always came back because he would cry, and supplicate (excuse my English, I am french). It is hard not to come back when you don't have another man, and that violent guy is calm and begging and asking for forgiveness.

    The problem is not when he is calm, the problem is that he does not control himself when he is not calm anymore. And that will probably never change. And your children will think that this king of life is ok : that beating man was the son of a beating man, and the brother of a beating man. And my (now) wife had seen many times her older sister's partner insult or beat her sister, so when that happened to her, she did not like it, but it was all the relationships she knew, so not enough to give up hope that the dog would turn into a white horse (which NEVER happens !).

    If you need some support, I can try to help in any way I can. Just know that you cannot negotiate your exit with him. And he will never have the kids if you press charges for real.

  5. salam alaikum sister,

    get out NOW. there is no room for reconcilation..which teach people how to treat us..obviously he didnt respect you or your commitment he made to you. He had to sleep with a woman in your car? that is LOW DOWN! there is no recourse from that? I hope YOU SEE A dont know how many women or what potential diseases these ladies could have! get a full physical check up!

    I dont know if you live in the west but i would divorce him in the instant and get maintenance.You were not put on this earth to be his punching bag...we all make mistakes but he has clearly lost his since of respect for the marriage and for you! he have promised your life to him and he in return beats you?????/ this is not acceptable! EVER! i dont care who on this site tells you to try to make it work! it is NEVER acceptable to hit a WOMAN! EVER!

    i have lost 2 friends to domestic violence! two! by their husband!waiting for them to change and they dont! and why take that risk sister? If not for you think of your kids! they deserve to have a happy mum and life.

    and countless other women i have seen die of hiv/aids due to a womanizing husband. Your kids need you.

  6. Your relationship is in no way reconcilable. It's rather obvious that your situation isn't going to improve if you stay with him, and even if it does, those indelible memories will haunt you for the rest of your life, and your behavior as a wife would become rather perfunctory.
    .The only solution is IMMEDIATE DIVORCE. While others (friends, family members), might try to convince you otherwise, you must realize that leaving is your only chance out of this LIVING HELL. Being a mother, the step is rather hard, requiring much deliberation, but there is no other alternative.
    It is best you seek the help of a close friend or family relative, without letting your husband get even the slightest hint of your actions. Do not let the so ubiquitously negative views of divorce weaken your conviction or faith.
    INSHA'ALLAH, everything will be alright.

  7. 1- Not leaving (divorcing) for a woman who clearly catch his husband cheating, is dishonor way. (except a real Tovbe and apologies of husband obviously which is not your situation ) eventhough your physic tries to accommodate to this situation I am pretty sure your soul screams out loud.

    Don't do that. Don't let your soul suffer. Do not let him being cruel on you. Divorce before things go much worse and if you have strong relatives (or police) let them frighten this man to not even come closer to you again.

    You need to find a job or get married again or do them both. But I think it is high time for you to move on your life without your existing husband.

    Just please act carefully and get enough precaution before getting divorce to be sure this wont jeopardize you and your kids.

    Hope you find a way to live happily again.

    Depending on the country you live I hope courts won't let a father like this get the kids (and I think a father like this wont want kids except the fact that to hurt you) and police force will be enough to keep this guy away from you.

  8. salaam

    i don't know which country your in but most countries have people and support groups that help you and your kids to get out of that situation and in a safe place
    and if you are not aware just post on this site which country your in and if not myself then someone will look into the safety measure available in that country

  9. I feel your pain.

    We must all bear the results of our karma from past lives. We cannot escape it. What we sow we must reap.

    God is very kind and he reduces our burden, but we must endure the minimum we must face.

    Like each night ends and day arises, same way sorrows and happiness also end and change from one to another.

    No one experiences only sorrow and only happiness. One leads to another. It is the way of this world.

    Without pain in our lives we would not turn to God, become proud and hurt others.

    When we experience pain, we can feel the pain of others. That is the only way we learn.

    Know that whatever you face, is minimum that God decided for you. You will find strength in Him, always.

    Make yourself as self dependent by getting a job, earning money. In addition to pray, occupy your mind in work so that the pain is diminished. As you get stronger, you will feel the pain less and be the mother your sons will love and admire, and follow you. You must lead by example.

    A vulture can carry away a new born elephant but dare not even imagine a fully grown elephant.

    In your prayers and your efforts you will grow beyond these problems and become a role model for your sons and a pillar for them too. YOU CAN DO IT!

    • We must all bear the results of our karma from past lives. We cannot escape it. What we sow we must reap.

      While this may be your personal belief, this is not an Islamic belief and this woman is asking for Islamic advice. Additionally, when you say that "[w]hat we sow we must reap", you are implying that she is deserving of this horrible treatment from her husband and in simple words, she is not.

    • Admins
      Why the hell you erase my message 3 times?
      I said truths. if you continue this coward behiviour I ll send you to Allah and he will do what you deserve

      [Additional offensive comments removed.]

      *Ayah from Quran Fatir 34-35:
      34-But as for those who disbelieve, for them is fire of hell; it taketh not complete effect upon them so that they can die, nor is its torment lightened for them. Thus We punish every ingrate.
      35-And they cry for help there, (saying): Our Lord! Release us; we will do right, not (the wrong) that we used to do. Did not We grant you a life long enough for who reflected to reflect therein? And the warner came unto you. Now taste (the flavour of your deeds), for evil doers have no helper.

      • Assalaamualaikam

        Please refrain from personal attacks on other contributors. Further behaviour like this may lead to you being banned. This is an Islamic website - as such, I would ask that you act in an appropriate manner and mind your language and tone.

        Sometimes posts require to be held for moderation. This is in order to ensure that the website does not publish offensive content.

        Please do not make pointless threats about sending people to Allah. That is not behaviour fitting for a Muslim, and is a rather extreme response to a post not being published on a website.

        Midnightmoon editor

  10. Dear sisters and brothers

    Wa' alaikumsalam. I am heartened to see advices shared by some of you. Thanks. I was contemplating a divorce ever since I saw the video of him engaged in the sexual act. But I think due to fear induced by him as well as poor self- esteem and a little hope that he will change, I stayed. But this year things are equally bad. He has been out of home everyday. I have been talking to him but found no effect. He listens but nothing significant happens. He is not remorseful. Not even once. I was hopeful recently when I spoke to him. But soon I discovered him sending love text messages and requesting for some sex video from his last year's lover. That crashed me again because he said he has no contact with her anymore. IS it worth to give such a person a chance after many other several chances? Will he ever change? Living with the memories everyday is killing me slowly.

    • Salam sister,

      It is not healthy for you and your kids to stay in this marriage. If someone does not want to change you cannot force them to change and you cannot kill yourself trying. You just have to accept some people are bad and may never change. If you continue living with then and bearing the abuse, then they will think their behavouir is ok and because you are putting up with it they will do worse!

      I don't know why people think that putting up with someone's bad behavoiur and bearing the pain will somehow melt the other persons heart? It's the same with a bully. If you do not stand up to a bulky and keep bearing the injustice, what do you think will happen? He will continue his behavoiur and do worse things to you because YOU are allowing him.

      It's the same with abusers if you keep quite and do nothing they will keep abusing you.
      Stand up for yourself and your kids. You are making your life miserable. You are better off on your own then to keep being abused every day. People commit suicide because of emotional abuse. It can drive one crazy and mental then what will happen to your kids.

      If your too scared of him then run away with kids secretly when his out maybe in the night! Tell the cops, report him and then go to family and friends for shelter. Tell him you will not tolerate his behavoiur. He needs to show extreme changes in himself by his actions if he wants to change and be a good father and husband. Then take it from there. Keep praying to Allah to give you strenth.

      May Allah Help you to help yourself and kids

    • Assalam alaikum Sister,

      I am so sorry to hear that your pain just continues.

      He is not remorseful and continues in his ways--I think you have given him enough chances. You need to take care of yourself first and then those two sons of yours.

      Leaving is the most difficult thing--and we don't know if there is somewhere you can go. Does your country have shelters for women? Do you have family you could go to? Sometimes I have heard it suggested that a woman in your case where there is physical abuse could notify authorities, in which case he would have to leave. The one problem in that is that he knows where you are.

      All options to pursue seperation in this difficult time are extremely difficult and painful, but staying in your situation is equally so, if not worse. Once time goes on, you will find your way, inn shaa Allah.

      Do you have a plan of action that you could take?

      May Allah make it easy for you, Ameen.

  11. AOA Sister Neesa,

    Please listen to the advice given already. It does not matter how much you want it, but this situation will not improve but only worsen.

    That sorry excuse of a human being is just a depraved pervert who has no regard for your kids. Him threatening to have the kids is just part of his power wielding mind games. Any decent father would not behave in such a disgusting manner. You can't expect respect from someone who doesn't even respect themselves.

    Do what you can to leave in secret- do NOT make him aware of your plans to leave. Creatures like that are like the living dead with no heart or conscience. So don't hold out for any big turnaround in behaviour or remorse. These kind of evil doers never change or will do when too much damage has been done.

    It will be hard for you as you have put so much hope in the hopeless but you'll be sorry in the end if you remain. Your sons will have such a vile role model and may resent you for it. They can't be happy right now.

    Remaining in this state is akin to a heroin user in the full throws of addiction. Something so bad for you AND your kids that you certainly don't need but want because you have convinced yourself you have to have it. You are wasting your time talking to him etc and polluting your own mind with whatever filthy things he is doing. Believe me, once you break free and settled, you will not believe how you put up with it in the first place.

  12. Salaam, the sisters and brothers have delivered beneficial advise, it is going to be difficult 4 u but after pain comes ease inshallah, and depends you need 2 teach your kids not 2 be like their father in a possitive manner, therefore you got to stay strong inshallah and I know you're probably thinking your life is never going to get better, but have hope and faith in Allah, inshallah your problems will improve. May Allah provide you with strength and provide you and your family with happiness, Ameen xxx

  13. Do you have a daughter? Please keep ur daughter away from him if u do. After reading ur post ur husband came across as a pervert and I fear that if u don't leave something bad will happen. Its like a sixth sense sort of feeling please get away asap.

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