Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Mild ED – Should I marry?

sad man sitting thinking

Hi All:

Assalamualaikum. I am writing this post seeking some serious advise/counselling. You will find a lot of things in this post to disparage/berate me, but I will appreciate if you would rather remain silent if you have no good advice for me.

I am 30 years old male. I once married, my marriage lasted for a few months and then it ended in divorce. The marriage was never consummated because I had erectile dysfunction.

I believe I suffer from mild erectile dysfunction. I can get erections, the erection stays hard for 30 seconds, and then it goes. And then it comes again. As for my morning erections, when I wake up, I find I have erections but again, those are also not very hard.

As for the porn reason of ED, I believe I am addicted to porn. I can go max 5 to 6 days before I relapse. This has been going for last 2 years. Before 2 years, I could go more than a week or months without porn. As for my masturbation habits, I do it max 3-4 times a week, or even less number of times.

As for lowering my gaze, with my weakening of eeman, I often struggle in this regard. Like when I go for shopping, I will strictly lower my gaze, but eventually my resistance will breakdown if I stay longer than an hour.

When my wife learned my mild ED, she was probably very disappointed and  she never also made any effort to work as a couple. Like she never said go and see a doctor. Or if I had asked her for certain position, she did not comply. Or I had asked her to use birth control pill, just to easy my tension and try for penetratoin without the worry of having a baby, and she said she would never take those pills. We have never performed oral too. I was too shy to ask for it, and she never initiated it either. Overall, I had ED, she got disappointed, she never took the pills, and I never made any serious effort of penetration for fear of having baby.

Now I have been divorced for over two years. I have told about my problem to my mom. She said if I am not 100% sure that I am capable of having conjugal relationship, she cannot bring proposal for me - for if things go wrong again after marriage, all my relatives and people will go berserk against my parents.

In these two years, I wish I had truly avoided porn and turned back to Allah sincerely, but I failed miserably. I am starting from today nonetheless.

Also I have seen doctor. He performed blood test. He found nothing wrong in hormones or anything - he rather said everything is more than normal.

As for my personal belief - I believe that if I have a wife who is sincere in solving this problem together I can overcome - but of course I cannot marry with such condition - per my mom- some girls might create big noise even after the wedding night.

My questions is:

-Should I marry again unless I am 100% sure of having relations?

-if I am not sure, should I reveal my problems to my prospect?

-I am thinking of taking pills to see if my problem improves, but are you supposed to take pills (ie viagra) when you are not married and expect results?

LostBrother1987

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8 Responses »

  1. I don't know what kind of doctor you've seen, but it doesn't sound like he did a very good job with helping you. I would suggest you see another doctor - preferably a specialist - that will help you get to the bottom of this.

    It's also worth considering if your disorder is caused by psychological stress and anxiety. You did mention you were too shy to ask your wife for oral sex, so that tells me you might be the kind of person that's shy or timid overall, and that you may bottle other things up inside, too. Things that may contribute to your problem. Your spouse should be the one person you're not shy around, you know what I mean? But to be fair, it does sound like your ex-wife wasn't the best match for you...

    I don't think you should get married just yet, because you have already given your new bride a task before you've even met her. And that's not fair on her. It's not her job to fix you, you have to fix yourself. Like, it boggles my mind that you were waiting for your ex-wife to tell you to go see a doctor - why wouldn't you go on your own initiative? Why should your wife have to tell you to go see a doctor? I think you need to become a bit more confident, independent and assertive before you get into another marriage.

    By the way, it's a myth that masturbation and watching porno causes erectile dysfunction, or somehow triggers it. So you could've left those details out of your post...

  2. Salam,
    The doctor checked all possibilities, except your soul. I believe it is psychological problem. As there is no love marriage in your community makes it even more difficult for you. I think if you have fallen love with someone, it is going to be no issue at all. Did you have any feeling towards your exwife? Does she had for you or just fulfill her duty to married to you on request of the families?............. Doesnt really help this kind of problems.
    I hope you will find your happiness and marrie to a nice, loving woman.

  3. Brother you need to stop masturbating and watching porn. You have trained to get your sexual satisfaction through artificial means -- not with a woman -- and now you can't function with a woman. If you are indulging in other means of sexual pleasure, why would any woman want to go out of her way for you. First of all, porn is haram. And most women do not appreciate the man she is married to being aroused by another woman. It destroys marriages as you have already found out. It is also hypocritical. A Muslim man does not want anyone to visually adore his wife, but he watches porn? Did you discuss the porn and masturbating multiple times a week with your doctor and mother. I don't think so. There is a saying that you can't fix the problem if you don't admit it exists.

    Our bodies are "trainable". Ramadan is a good example of this. When we are fasting, we train ourselves to go without food and water for hours and hours, sometime 12 or 14 hours. Years of doing this helps many adults train their bodies and minds to delay even the most basic necessity for hours. The same thing applies with other forms of strength building and exercises. And sex. You can train yourself to delay sexual gratification is you have a good professional working with you.

    There are also techniques a man's partner can incorporate into the sexual act to help delay ejaculation.

  4. Asalaamu Alaykum

    Heed the message of the others and try to rid the problem of porn and masturbation. As for Lindita's comment above, she's wrong, it is not a myth that masturbation and watching porno causes erectile dysfunction. ED can be of two types, physical and psychological. And pornography or even merely seeing something that you shouldn't (that triggers guilt later on, especially wen you know it is wrong) will cause you to lose your erection.

    Keep making tawba, remember, Allah loves the oft repentant. Don't lose hope in Allah's Mercy, as He is more Merciful and is merely awaiting for you to say sorry - EVEN if you relapse.

    As for practical help - check out http://purifyyourgaze.com/ - This website is set up by muslims who recognise you have a problem, there is no guilt tripping, just sincere people helping you rid your addiction. Give it a try.

    DO NOT get into another marriage until you have developed stronger resolve to rid your addiction. The addiction is the rot to your problem, the deeper root, not lowering your gaze.

    Fast - the advise of the prophet pbuh for people to control their hormones is to fast - not a mere fast of hunger, a fast of spiritual enlightenment, were you are aware and in control of your actions and know that Allah is watching you at all moments, even in private.

    Put passwords and filters on your internet, let your parents or siblings or even friends change the password so you cannot access porn, not on your phone, not your laptop or computer. Internet providers can now block adult content, so get in touch with them and see how they can help.

    Surround yourself in good company, attend the mosque, charity events, voluntary work, keep yourself occupied, as shaytaan is with those who are alone and lazy.

    And once you are in a position to get married, marry someone who is culturally aware that pornography is a problem and ensure she will not be barrier to your spiritual strengthening and development. ie if she has her own insecurities, this will damage your trust and ability to confide, and in turn your ED can return. My advise, tell a future prospect of a wife, tell her your struggles and how far you have come (ONCE YOU ARE ABLE TO MARRY) and how you would like help, and not guilt tripped and not have her insecurities imposed on you.

    Also, if you do end up married again eventually, delay intercourse on your first night, and focus your attention on getting to know your wife, her personality, her character, get comfortable rather than pressuring yourselves to consummate.

    Finally, please learn more about Islam, about Allah, His Messenger, about Heaven and its descriptions, Hell and its inhabitants, the biography of the righteous. This should re calibrate your thoughts from sex and women to important matters.

    And ensure you are adhering to the obligatory (fard) at a minimum.

    • Please provide us with medical evidence that proves masturbation and pornography causes erectile dysfunction. You can't just say I'm wrong and not prove it. All medical sources I have come across have NOT mentioned that masturbation and pornography watching causes erectile dysfunction.

      You want to get OP off of masturbating and watching porno. Which is fine. But be honest and say it's haram - don't lie and say these things are the reason why he's having issues with erectile dysfunction. Unless you have medical proof to back up your statement.

      • How am I lying when I say these things are a possible reason for a person to experience ED? If my original post didn't explicitly mention this, it should be implicitly implied. Causes of ED are various and complex, and you cannot rule our psychological. High exposure to pornography can cause a person a to feel guilt, especially if they have imaan. And this guilt can be carried into a marriage and thus cause a person to experience 'mild ED'.

        I do not need to say it is haraam, it is already understood that the OP knows this is haraam. If the OP wasn't Muslim and was seeking help, would your answer simply be, stop watching porn and masturbating cos it is haraam? It's a detriment and a vice in society in the private lives of people, a 'secret' vice which is damaging peoples spiritual state, and yet your ego can't swallow past the part I mentioned you are wrong, simply because your view from a medical standpoint is that it doesn't cause ED - as stated by 'research'. I await the day research provides evidence that pornography causes psychological problems, including ED. http://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/health/sc-porn-linked-to-sexual-dysfunction-health-0531-20170516-story.html

        https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/02/140212153252.htm here's something that backs you up. Satisfied? Not everyone needs medical evidence to back up their point. There are signs and symptoms. His symptom is ED, a possible cause, as highlighted by him is his porn addiction. A route to it can be psychological due to him feeling guilt, KNOWING it is haraam.

        I feel your ego has taken a hit by my original comment, when I mentioned you are wrong. You may be right. Allah knows best what the cause is. But the brother is seeking help. And instead of squabbling about whether I am 'lying', why not suggest sincere help to the brother or anyone else, without imposing any of your suggestive subjective opinions as shown in all your other comments on other threads here.

        Non of my other positive suggestions have been highlighted or encouraged by yourself towards the OP to help him with whatever problems he has. Instead of focusing on the pixel, try stepping back and looking at the whole picture.

        Lastly, I want to apologies, I feel I've offended you and that wasn't my intention. And I'll try to be better at my advice if I can offer any and if not, I'll refrain.

        OP - Do look at this website as a means to solving 1 of your many issues. http://purifyyourgaze.com/

        Salaam

  5. Brother don't rule out possibilities of spiritual world issues. You can get ruqyah from a trained imam these issues are sometimes linked to such problems especially when no medical conditions can be found. Also hijama cupping to remove old blood from the body as we know erection has lot to do about blood flow. There are just 2 solutions you wouldn't find in mainstream health care or advisors.

  6. Asalam Brother i will suggest you to go for Hijama (cupping therapy) it will solve your problem inshallah and soak dates in milk at night and eat dates and drink milk you will get better result inshallah

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