Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Did I Misunderstand Allah’s Response to My Prayer for My Future Husband?

Getting mixed signals from Istikhara

Getting mixed signals

I am 27 years old and still single. I want to get married before the age of 30. My parents are not looking for a guy for me, but I want to settle down. My parents have allowed me to marry based on my choice. I had prayed to Allah to send a guy my way who would be my future husband. I did not go searching for a guy in any way.

I work as a researcher at a company. To ask a few questions, I sent a message on Facebook to a guy, whom I am referring to here as Mr. J. I knew he would have information about a subject. He contacted me back with the answers. In his reply message, he said that he is looking for a wife and asked if I would be interested in considering his proposal for marriage. I knew him for a couple of years, but he was only one of my contacts on Facebook. We never interacted socially.

Knowing that I had prayed to Allah about getting a proposal for marriage and praying to meet my future husband, I thought maybe Allah had answered my prayer. However, later when I further chatted with him on Facebook, I did not find his intentions right. I felt that he was just flirting with me and was not serious about marriage, but said so only to make me talk to him.

To confirm my doubts, I had contacted another guy, whom I am referring to here as Mr. A, who knew him well. I told Mr. A about the whole situation and asked him if Mr. J could be serious or is he just flirting. Mr. A told me that his proposal is not decent and he is not right for me, since Mr. J had done this with other girls too. I told Mr. J that I am not interested in pursuing this matter at all and blocked him on Facebook, cutting off all contact with him.

However, still wanting to get married, I thought of asking Mr. A if he would be interested in considering me for a life-partner. I knew that he too was looking for a wife. I had also known him for a couple of years, but I had never asked him before. I thought that maybe this is Allah's way of making me meet him  again, since I used to like him but never got the courage to ask him if he would consider me. But, knowing that I had prayed to Allah and by turn of events I came into contact with Mr. A, maybe this could be it.

We maintained a very decent contact on Facebook for almost six months and talked decently on the phone thrice. We also exchanged a few messages on WhatsApp, but not too many. We wanted to keep this relationship decent to please Allah. I thanked Allah that He answered my prayers and thought that this relationship would work, insha Allah. We really liked each other and I could feel that he is sincere with me. We share similar approaches on a wide range of issues. I am in love with him.

Since January I had been busy in my research and I could not get to contact him. When I had sent him a message on WhatsApp, he seemed to avoid talking to me.

I cannot understand if I had made a mistake in thinking that Allah has answered my prayer of sending a guy my way who would be my future husband. I know that marriages are pre-destined by Allah, so if it is meant to be, it will be, no matter what. But, we have to play our parts too for a relationship to turn into marriage. I want to ask if I should pursue this matter further, or leave it like that thinking that Allah does not want this marriage to take place and I misunderstood Allah's response?

-Amnah


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6 Responses »

  1. Dear sister, when we make dua we cannot expect to receive a response in the way that we wish. Allah is not sending you a "psychic message". He responds in His own mysterious ways, and many many times that response is either "no" or it is in a form that we cannot understand. For example, you may be denied a nice husband before age 30 but in exchange Allah will increase your wealth or prevent your mother from getting cancer. Much of what happens to us in life is pre-destined, and dua is a form of worship that brings us closer to Allah rather than a formula for getting what we want out of life. I think you are expecting Allah to answer your dua in exactly the way you wish: (1) marriage (2) to a nice man (3) of your own choice and (4) before age 30.

    Life doesn't always proceed such a linear fashion as you have envisioned it. Just read some of the posts on this website and you will see that so many muslim girls want exactly what you do, and we make dua for many years for it, and it never happens. Or, it happens but in a manner that we did not expect. Or, it happens but it is temporary. The possibilities are endless.

    If I were you, I would keep on making dua and doing what you need to do Islamically to find your husband. If this man is interested he will contact you -- men don't shy away from pursuing marriage if they are truly interested. I think intuitively you know the answer to what has happened, so you might want to consider putting him out of your mind. Also, online relationships are replete with problems -- the anonymity afforded by the internet is very, very dangerous when it comes to finding a spouse.

    Usually if you do not have the help of your family to do some networking on your behalf, your options are quite limited if you wish to find someone religious and you do not wish to transgress boundaries. Your options are further limited within muslim circles once you hit age 30. I'm not saying that is right or wrong, just that it happens.

  2. Assalamwalaikum sister Amnah,

    As you are a researcher, you know well to not jump to a conclusion before having valid evidence. 😛

    Basically, my understanding is that... the "setting" in which a mahram or wali of the woman is present is the "only" time and place (be it online or in real world) a non-mahram man would be allowed to interact with the woman keeping respectful distance and limits. Therefore, I find it somewhat strange that you see the conversations (via facebook/whatsapp) with a non-mahram man however decent to be approving/pleasing in the sight of Allah. Please feel free to correct me if I have misunderstood something here!

    Alhamdulillah though, that your interactions have not been like many unfortunate ones that end with a broken-heart and in despair. I'm sure you'd be able to confirm my understanding and validate it with the values shown by our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) as you would have the curious mind of a researcher, masha-Allah!

    Also, do not worry about your dua being answered or not by Allah. Verily, Allah will answer your all your duas! It has also been narrated by Jabir (RA) that, Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said that:

    "Whoever makes dua to Allah, Allah fulfills his dua seeking or in exchange averts misfortune until the duaa is not related to sin or breaking some relation." ~ cf. Tirmidhi

    There also a really cool article that will enlighten about dua's and how they kinda-work:
    http://www.muslimyouthmusings.com/the-power-of-dua/

    We have to take the action and leave the result on Allah. I would suggest speaking with Mr. A in the correct setting, i.e. in the presence of yours and his parents, to see if he is actually interested in marrying you. You could possibly invite Mr. A and his parents over to your place and you know your rituals/formality/culture. This would perhaps be a good time to clarify if Mr. A was avoiding you, or maybe Mr. A is caught up in work, or maybe Mr. A has some concerns regarding the relationship or maybe WhatsApp is glitchy (as messages do not go through sometime), or "maybe"... hmm! lots of possibilities, right? If Mr. A is uncertain about something, he may ask as many questions as he likes and you may respond to which ever questions you want. You can also take this opportunity to ask as many questions to Mr. A. This would make things transparent, clear, trustworthy and Islamically approvable between you, Mr. A as well as both your and his parents, no harm no foul. If Mr. A feels he needs some time, you should ask him "how long?" and also assert that he should not keep you hanging ...and depending on whether that's feasible for you... you can grant him or deny him that time. However, if you feel that you need to reconsider this relationship, you can ask him for time as well and don't keep him hanging either.

    I hope this helps! 🙂

    For all those seeking marriage in the halal way, may Allah grant us pious spouses that bring us close to Allah and please Allah, Ameen! and for those already married, may Allah bring more peace, love and mercy between them and bring them close to Allah, Ameen! 🙂

  3. Assalam alaikum Sister Amnah,

    There was an Islamic Teacher that gave a lecture years ago and offered some advice regarding sins. He said that if you put a frog in a pot of cold water, the frog will probably like it and be happy. If you begin to heat up the pot, very slowly, the frog won't even notice in the beginning especially when the temperature change is extremely gradual. As the temperature increases, the frog won't notice and eventually it will be too late and the frog won't jump out of the water in time to save its life--he related this to the whispers that come from shaitaan. shaitaan doesn't always suggest drastic outrageous sins, depending on the "clientele"--but rather he suggests making "decent conversation" or "only a few messages" and before you know it, you have fallen in love and shaitaan has you closer to where he wants you. So even though you may think the small number of innocent messages or conversations that are exchanged, are harmless, it is like that temperature slowly increasing so that you don't take notice and move on without reflecting.

    Sister, if your parents allow you to make the decision regarding your marriage - ask them directly for help and their involvement. Whatever conversations occur, your parents should know. Any boy that you consider for marriage should know that your parents are both aware and involved so that he doesn't consider playing games with you.

    Finally, with respect to Mr. A, I wouldn't suggest contacting him further. If he is distant, let him have his space. He isn't obliged to you and nor are you to him. The fact that he seems to be avoiding you shouldn't be ignored.

    Learn from this experience and inn shaa Allah better days will come. I do think you were mistaken in taking lightly the conversations back and forth with these two men - but it is good to see you inquiring and wondering. I pray that Allah eases your difficulties and grant you a pious spouse, Ameen!

  4. Yes GREAT

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