I can’t digest that he is divorced from a non-Muslim
As salaamu alaikum.
I am 31-year old , born-muslimah alhamdulillah. Never married with good education and job, alhamdulillah. Three months ago, I met a muslim brother, divorced with two kids (%50 custody of the kids).
I see many good qualities in him: modesty, piety, kindness, caring, hard-working. His education and job are not that great, but I am ok with that. However, I have hard time digesting his previous marriage. He married a non-muslim woman. When I ask him why he married a non-muslim woman (as you know we muslims should marry good, practicing muslims), he told me that he did not know any better by then and his previous marriage was a mistake. ok, I understand, we all do dumb things over here and there but I still can not disgest these all. I sometimes feel disgusted by his story, by him. I also feel terrible when I think of him being sexually active with a non-muslim woman, his ex-wife. the image of him I have in my mind is a man who married a non-muslim woman just because of physical attraction and/or green card. He claims that he married out of genuine reasons, love etc and that he was not that practicing at that time.
I wonder if I am too harsh on him. Maybe all this criticism is unfair. I don´t know what to think of this. Maybe I just should say no to this brother and move on.
My parents know about this brother and also have mixed feelings. They are concerned about my well-being as any parents would.
I guess I would have felt better if his ex-wife was a muslim woman. I don´t know what I am getting into. I am also concerned about the future interaction with his ex-wife, how decent he could conduct this interaction.
I am seeking advices. Also I would like to hear fellow-muslims' experiences.
jazakumAllahKhairan
- experience_seeker
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Dear experience_seeker
All taken into your part of concern if this really bothers you so much WHY you even think you have a future with him. I mean yes I know and have come across a lot of Muslims marrying non Muslims due to love is blind and then from experience for whatever the reason they know eventually it was a BIG mistake. You are very insecure and by reading your reply my STRONG advise to you is leave this brother alone and search for someone who is exactly like you because you will make this situation worse for him and punish him for his past mistakes. Your parents are right they only want the best for you, but what really disturbs me is how insecure you feel and even though he is a human being and everyone makes mistakes and sometimes love is blind sometimes we cant always see what we have is wrong or good, you only see the bad apples after. I suggest you walk away and leave him, as I believe you holding the fact he is divorce and that what is probably bothering you more, plus he fathered children. You might not be able to digest he married a non Muslim but you have no right holding that against him, there are others far worse then him even if he had really good qualities. You will always find people will still judge someone who was a divorcee or not, now a days people cant stand seeing others truly happy and I guess you only learn from the path Allah has put us in.
I hope this advice brings it home to you and you think long and hard what is best for you and leave this guy alone if you cant deal with the fact he got married and ended up a divorced because everyone in the end deserves to be happy.
asalamu alaikum,
after reading this, the only thing i can say is if you cant accept the fact he married a non muslim then i strongly suggest you stay away. there is no point goin into a relationship half hearted,
you are asking him why he married a non muslim? etc you gotta realise you cant choose the person you fall in love with and by all the criticism its un-fair.
there is nothin wrong for a muslim man to marry a christian woman or a jewish woman.
im a muslim bro married to a christian woman.
so i'll say move on.
ma salama
Salaam Sister,
I would advise you to really think things through before marrying this man. It looks as if you have doubts and you shouldn't rush into marriage.
Your feeling like this now but have u thought about when he feels the need to meet his kids and this will be the link between him and his ex wife. Obviously people move on but im advising u like i would advise my own sister so basically that could make things more worse if u feel like this now.
Why dont u consider another brother and get ur parents involved. Keeping an open mind is better than feelin like this.
I make a dua u find a good muslim husband.
Peace
- experience_seeker,
What is so hard to digest about your male friend being married to a non Muslim? If Islam has no problem with it, why do you? Islam allows the marriage of a Muslim man to a Christian and yes...even a Jew. I think you are focusing on the wrong things here my love.
He has kids from a previous marriage...do you want to deal with that and his responsibilities to his ex and his children? He is going to need to be there for his children as they grow and come into their own. His ex may need him for help or advice and yes...this will mean he has to converse with her. You need to understand whether he marries you or any other woman, he has a past like all of us and there is nothing wrong with that. He will also be financially responsible for his children for years to come and often times even into adult years...can you handle that?
Apart from that, you say he has some really great qualities which include modesty, piety, kindness, caring and he's hard-working. Those are some amazing qualities to be had in anyone! Having said that, my advice to you is get over it. There isn't a minute that you will spend out of your day today that will change it or the fact that he married before, Muslim or not.
My personal view here is, you are 31 and quite young in my book. Having to deal with a man that has been divorced with kids is something I personally would not want to get into at all. I wouldn't want to deal with the ex or the kids but that's just me. It has nothing to do with who he was married to but my own wants and needs however selfish that may be.
If you haven't yet, make Istikhara and seek Allah's guidance in this matter. Maybe from there you will see the what is best for you. The best of luck to you.
Experience Seeker,
I think it is more important for you to judge this peron's suitability for marriage based on what he is today. Don't ignore what you know about his past, but don't judge him based on that, use what you know to help you understand him better. It could be that he has learned from any mistakes he made (if any, as you have not clearly specified his reasons for marrying a non muslim woman, was she a woman of the Book etc). If he is a good practising Muslim now and regrets any mistakes he made, I would be more concerned about how well/bad he treated his ex wife and how he treats her now after divorce. You will be able to tell alot about his character from this. If he is good with his children, does not bad mouth his ex wife and is civil and courteous with her, these go in his favour.
You need to speak to him openly and find out why he married a non Muslim, why he divorced her and why he wants to marry you. We all make mistakes in life. If he made mistakes and has realised and is striving to be a good Muslim now, that is what should matter. If he gives satisfactory answers but you still can't get over his past, then perhaps it is your own way of thinking that is flawed.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
the negative things we as people point out Allah could have forgiven that person of it. Don't hang those that have piety and show remorse on the negative things they did. Allah is all know and we should always let the best and good out of people. If you see Good in him I don't see why you would let a good brother pass you by. We all have a past we are humans we are not perfect.
So marrying a non-Muslim woman is a crime or a mistake? If you can't get over that then you don't deserve his good qualities. Are you jealous of her? At one point he loved her & had children with her. So be it. He didn't have a problem with it why should you? Don't be so judgemental. What would be the difference if she were a Muslim woman? Do you think interactions with her would be much better? Would you have tea together & take the kids shopping? I just don't understand your logic or your prejudicism.
I think you need help, how judgemental of you. This has really nothing to do with Islam, or you, that's his history. He is permitted to marry non-muslim. Get over it? or move on.
This is really disgusting. You just feel superior that you're a muslim. This is completely haram and disgusting. Muslims are not meant to be arrogent, even feeling that we as muslims are better than non muslims is wrong.
You need help
What you feel is jealousy that's all! Its hard for you to digest not because she wasn't Muslim, Its because you never got married before. And you don't want you to compare you with her or with anyone. I understood your feeling. But you got time to stop this. Marry someone who didn't marry before.
What gives you the right to look down on a non-Muslim woman? This will no doubt come as a terrible shock to you, but there are many non-Muslims (many, many, MANY as a matter of fact) who are better people than many (many, many, you get the picture) Muslims. I have nothing against good Muslims, but the idea that being Muslim makes you automatically good has been proved wrong over and over. Look at a few of the heartbreaking questions and stories on this web site.
Dear Sister;
My sincerely advice to you is : Don't married this guy period
Why : because you are not believe what he said about his story ; you have right not to believe it. So you don't trust him and it may be a really barrier for you to jump. I suggest that go head and find a nice a muslim who has a peaceful dean and life to share with you without any complexes.
Good luck
he is not the only one person you can find someone it is hard to deal with he is ex wife and he is kids belevie me you will have alot of problem,he is not practicing find someone who practice girl belevie to men easy when they say a few beatufull think
Sister I'm a Muslim American brother of Pakistani and Afghan descent and I would feel the same way as you. Sadly most imams don't condemn these sorts of marriages, which are makruh in countries where the martial and inheritance laws don't agree with Islam's. I know we can say a person's past is his past, but the fact that this man married a non-Muslim, risked his kids being non-Muslim (now more apparent than ever when they don't have a Muslim father 50% of their life), and married a woman who probably isn't even a practicing Christian, let alone someone who doesn't believe in the Quran or the Prophet, should speak volumes about his character. Don't compromise on fundamentals or have regrets. You made the right decision.
Br. Normal Poster
You rightly say "Sadly most imams don't condemn these sorts of marriages, which are makruh in countries where the martial and inheritance laws don't agree with Islam's."
Imams and the community allow this to happen making excuses for the guy "oh he learnt his lesson", " Oh he may one day bring the woman to Islam", " Oh such and such.....I am tired of them sticking up for the en and justifying their zina life and then when the marriage falls thru they want a pious muslimah and then don't want to be judged! This sister has a right to not want to marry but she should not agonise over it. She should move on if she is uncomfortable - if she is uncomfortable now, it will only get worse if she marries him.
Also, we need to start discussing in the west, that it is makruh to marry nonmuslim women because there are muslim women of marriageable age available. Who will marry them, if we keep making excuses for men who behave like this?
"Also, we need to start discussing in the west, that it is makruh to marry nonmuslim women because there are muslim women of marriageable age available. Who will marry them, if we keep making excuses for men who behave like this?"
Agree that it is a serious problem in the west because a lot of Muslim men are either marrying non-Muslims or marrying from 'back home.'
Kudos to everything you both sisters said, except "marrying from back home" lol. It's all about compatibility and "acceptance".
Muhammad1982,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
Yes I do understand that and I agree it's about compatability but its sad to see so many unmarried sisters in the West struggling to get married. I am not blaming the brothers completely but in these cases it's usually the families' that want their sons to marry a domestic, good obedient housewife from back home.
Sister,
That's really sad but that's just one aspect of it; their are brothers who searched for years on end and were brutally turned down by parents and sisters alike. So, their are other issues except that; it's not only about obedience; I know their are many sisters here who are obedient, and would make good wife and mother. However, the walls they have build around themselves are just too high to even reach them and their parents are a different story altogether. But iA their is a hope for everyone as we believe in qadr and Allah's infinite wisdom.
May Allah (swt) shower HIS mercy upon everyone and bless us all with the spouses who will help us make the most of this worldly life to achieve Jannah (Amin).
Muhammad1982,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com