Islamic marriage advice and family advice

20 year old male, molested at age 7 by my uncle

Sexual abuse

Sexual abuse is a global problem.

Assalamu 3alaykom wa ra7matallahu wa barakatou

Im a 20year old male, currently studying at a university.

I have first been molested when i was about 7-8 (not exactly sure) by my uncle. I dont remember being forced to do it but i also dont remember enjoying it, i remember most of it as random flashbacks and it had affected my life badly.

This lasted about 3-5 years, when i was 12-13 my uncle wanted to go further but i freaked out and didnt allow him (thats the last time i remember doning anything).

I learnt later about the whole marriage and giving birth... as well as what we were doing was wrong.

Then at the age of 14-15 my brother's close friend used to "play around" with me and i allowed him, felt normal to me and thats not something I'm proud about. Not talking to absolutely ANYONE about it makes it so much worse but at the same time i cant go forward with it.

Since i can remember thoughts  about this are usually rushing through my head 24/7, it made me doubt my self as a man and i always have these urges.

One of my worse fears is not being able to get married and have a family because I am ashamed of  "it" not functioning properly therefore i wont be able to please my wife in any form. To be honest i did follow these urges but I'm trying my best not to anymore, mainly by listening or reading the Quran, but for some reason it feels more normal for being depressed than just having a normal life.

I don't know if its because of what happened or if I'm naturally like that. I had countless suicidal thoughts and my personality changed. In front of my family I act naturally, which is being depressed, annoyed about life in general and don't talk much around the house but at times I put out a fake smile.

In front of my friends, i tend to act the way that they want to see me in. After realising all that and reaching the lowest point in my life (I would sit around friends or family and barely say one word throughout the day), I am trying to change.

I know killing myself isn't allowed and I won't go through with it from the fear of God and I cant do this to my family. However, I would rather be dead than alive just so i can stop the thoughts rushing through and stop pretending to be someone else around family and friends (i try so hard putting a smile that its so easy for me to fake happiness).

I also know that i shouldn't be thinking about the past but my head keeps on spinning with these thoughts since i was a kid (hard for me to change this).

Sorry for the long post but its actually short because I cant really explain everything over the past 10-13 years. hope i can get help and thanks in advance.

- amad

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18 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    The trauma of childhood sexual abuse is not something that goes away with time. It is such a scarring and horrible thing that it often takes years of therapy to recover from. I fully believe that young men who were sexually abused by a man as a child, and are struggling with depressive thoughts or feelings, are only having that experience because of the abuse they endured. I don't feel you would be having this struggle if you had not been sexually abused.

    Brother, it's imperative that you get yourself into therapy as soon as you can. It's the only way you are going to be able to find the healing you need, and without it the depression, feelings of wanting to die, and feelings of being different or isolated from others will continue. You say you have been having these obsessive thoughts since you were a child, and without the proper treatment it will only go on.

    I don't want to see you live like this. There is life and recovery after abuse, but you have to work for it. Unfortunately, childhood sexual abuse is more prevalent than we realize but many survivors go on to find meaning and purpose in their lives, and rise above the ghosts of their pasts. All you need is a guide, and I am quite sure there are some providers who specialize in treating abuse/trauma that would be reasonably accessible to you. Please, check into that.

    -Amy Editor

  2. Brother,

    Amy is spot need to seek out help in the form of therapy. You must know that you did nothing wrong. With the right help, you can sort through these feelings and thoughts with someone who can help you work through them. Maybe then, you will feel better about the person that you are, and leave your past behind you. May Allah guide you and give you peace in your life.


  3. Seek for therapy, and also remember, that remembrance of ALLAH all the time will take you to a better future, inshALLAH ALLAH, will help you out of this problem, whenever you have thoughts about it, busy yourself into, tasbi, prayer, or start to observe nafal, try your best to stay away from the people who remind you of it. When you recover everything will be fine, and just try not to remember, or repeat it. InshALLAH ALLAH will hear your prayers, he will take way your stress. Have faith in ALLAH and stay busy in remembrance of ALLAH..

  4. Assalaam Aleikum brother,

    May Allah have mercy on you

    I just learnt about schema therapy today and this wot U need coz ur in form of vulnerability, avoidance etc which could lead to boderline personality disorder therefore seek help quick before it goes worser from professionals

    I can only to Allah to make everything easier 4 U.......Ameen

  5. Assalam alaikum,

    I can really feel your pain and unfortunately, this really strikes a chord with me. Flashbacks are horrible and it isn't easy to ease one's mind when it constantly develops pictures of the past. This is a very unfortunate symptom of that abuse. Those who committ these horrific acts have no idea of the damage that they do.

    I would suggest therapy and hopefully you do find someone that can help you--it may take a couple of tries before you find someone you are comfortable talking to. I would also suggest that one thing you really have to understand is that the healing will ultimately come from within you. You will have to bombard your mind with pleasant thoughts, thoughts of Allah's endless blessings.

    One thing I have learnt is that much of the healing comes from allowing yourself to have control over your mind again and giving yourself permission to forget to immediately change your thoughts when this happens. You do have to realize that this is NOT your fault and that your depression ultimately stems from this abuse. Sometimes this is a lifelong journey.

    I pray that you find mental peace and happiness inshaAllah. Truly this will come with Allah's remembrance. Know that you are normal. Know that your depression and anxiety is from the abuse and you can, inshaAllah, recover from it and cope with it in a better way.

    May Allah give us sabr for the trials we face. Ameen.

  6. In addition to what the others said,

    Say each of your 5 prayers on time.

    Strictly do your morning and evening azkar daily . You can find them at

    Read surah baqarah every 3 days.

    Attend a circle of knowledge in a masjid which increases your knowledge AND iman. And ask Allah for righteous company and righteous spouse

    Make a lot of istighfar daily and pray after isha(Qiyam..meaning pray sunnah/nafl prayers after fardh isha prayer and recite some portion of Quran in it daily) or tahajjud(/same thing as qiyam except done in last third of night BEFORE fajr prayer time comes in )

    Have a good hope of Allah.

    Listen to tafseer of brothr nouman ali khan on or

  7. Idk if you're in the uk or not but there's an online service which allows you to speak to a professional via email about sexual abuse suffered as a child. You can keep your identity anonymous. Idk if it'll help you or not but you can maybe give it a try and they can perhaps put you in touch with someone that may be able to help you further.

    It's the NSPCC website, do a google search about speaking to someone from the organisation about sexual abuse suffered as a child.

  8. Walikum salam wr wb brother Amad.

    I totally understand how it feels and how torturing it is. And you do need to get some help to fight with this thing
    because it will keep haunting you.

    May ALLAH bless you

  9. Sir you just need to accept what happened to you as God's will and His way of testing you. remember one thing whatever abuse you suffer to your body, may it be of sexual nature, its temporary, you leave this body behind and eventually it will rot in the grave, so thats aside.
    secondly the psychological impact that it may have, you just need to know that we disregard something because of the definitions we have created, like suffering from the feeling of experiencing something that others would not accept in a society makes it depressive. Just think what if everyone in the world was sexually abused at one point in time, then it wouldnt be that traumtic for you. there is so much evil that people wilfully do these acts. so something that you did not have control over, just get over it. go out and live your life like you have never before. like a different man that you are, like you've been born again. and when you start to see positive side to life you,ll see the wonders. life is beautiful you just need to have the eyes and the mind!

    • Salaams,

      I'm sorry, but your advice is equivalent to asserting that trauma doesn't exist, or that it can just be willed away. Unfortunately, the body of evidence is against you on this one. I don't think your suggestion to "just get over it" and "just look at the positive side of things" is enough to combat something so terrible and life-changing.

      It may be better to refrain from commenting if you don't have any experience or education in the topic at hand, because comments that are naïve or spoken out of ignorance tend to hurt more than they help.

      -Amy Editor

      • I agree. We can't just pretend that abuse did not happen; in fact trying to pretend that it didn't happen generally leads to self-destructive behaviors. These kinds of things have to be dealt with and it often takes years with the help of a professional therapist.

        Wael Editor

    • Mobin,

      With all due respect, I think this is definitely one of those things that are "easier said than done." The problem in many eastern countries is that such topics are often tabooed and looked bad upon to discuss, which is primarily the reason y they tell u "just get over it." Well yea u can get over it for a certain amount of time but surely it will haunt the person, and affect them later on in life.

      It is better to take a beneficial approach to this brother which will not only benefit his mental health and emotional well-being but also free him from any harm in the future.

      Again, please dont say just get over it. May work for some and I still think that is not a healthy approach.

  10. As salaamu 'aleykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barkatohu!
    Masha Allah..above replies are good. Brother..I insist you to please visit
    here you can search with the key words or submit your query. Answer will be with references from qura'n and sunnah. Your brother in Islam. Yahya. Wasalaam.

  11. Salaam Amad,

    I hope this message gets to you. Im not an expert but from most of my education and experiences in life it sounds as if what has happened to you has not only traumatized you, but has also put you into a deep depression. I understand how painful it can be as I went through an abusive marriage, it may not relate to you completely but I have had my fair share and am still trying to recover from depression. I recently joined this site in hopes of trying to get better as I myself felt hopeless and had suicidal thoughts because of my hurtful past.

    First things first, I would highly recommend you to get some sort of counseling or therapy. You need to talk to someone about this. Im sure there is a male clinician that can help you which ever you feel most comfortable with. This will not only help your feelings that are stored inside and this burden on your chest, but you will start to feel lighter and slowly your depression will get better. It will take some time, but with will and patience inshallah you will get better.

    Please dont think about suicidal thoughts hun. That is not the answer, I can relate to that cuz I too have gone thru such times. But then again we have to overcome that and its definitely very hard and a struggle but you have to look at how you can better yourself, for the sake of family and most important you! Ive learned a lot these past couple days. I used to always think about how to make others happy and put my happiness aside. Until your not happy how will you make others happy? You can only fake so much rite?

    This site has helped me realize that I am not the only one suffering. So plz dont think your alone. If you ever wanna talk you can talk to someone here. I would be happy to talk to you if you'd like. The best thing that can someone can offer you now is support and assurance that things will get better. And trust me they wlill, but plz suicide is haraam. For those ppl that have done such haraam things with you Allah will take care of them dnt worry. As for you, eventually time will heal this inshAllah.

    Take care of yourself and plz be strong.

    Allah Kareem

  12. As-Salamu Alakium Brother

    I feel so bad for the trauma you have had to endure since childhood. Sexual abuse is not an easy trauma to overcome. It takes therapy and time in order to come to terms with sexual abuse. My humble advise to you would be to seek some form of psychotherapy or cognitive behavioral therapy. As a woman who has studied psychology, CBT and psychotherapy (if taken for long period of time) are effective mental health therapies that you will find beneficial Insha'Allah.

    You should also forgive yourself as the abuse was not your fault. Never blame yourself or feel guilty. You were a young child who was manipulated and abused. It was NEVER your fault.

    Make likes of du'aa and prayer and seek Allah's protection, Mercy, and Forgiveness.

    Remember that you were the victim but you don't have to remain a victim. You are stronger than you think and know.

    Never despair of Allah's Mercy and protection.

    Suicide is Haraam and it only validates you as a victim. It will give your perpetrator the upper-hand and you will become only a loser. Never think about suicide as an option for you. Your life is valuable and a gift from Allah Most High.

    Also remember brother that you are not the only one that is dealing with trauma and/or abuse. There are plenty of people who are constantly abused on a daily basis and are going through the same things as you. Never feel you are alone.

    Insha'Allah may Allah help you and guide you.


    • Noha, I appreciate your kind and helpful comment to brother Amad, and I hope to see you commenting on this website more often Insha'Allah.

      Wael Editor

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