Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Mom is having an affair, Dad says we should suicide

Shame and guiltI don't know how to say this but... I'll give it a try.

I feel like I am dying. IDK what to do. My Mom have an affair with a guy who accidently called to my mom's phone. He called accidently to my moms phone and told her to be a friend with him. She accepted cause that time my mom had a small problem with my dad.

So she didn't cared about me and my 3 other siblings. Their relationship grown into something else. He said he wanted to see my mom so they both gathered up in a place. He is also married but his wife hates him.

Now my mom and him talks everyday. He can't stay a single day without talking to her. He came to my house twice or thrice times. But dad didn't knew about it. Yesterday my dad found out my moms affair with him. I saw him holding his tears. I used to believe that heaven lied under my moms feets. Now it's hell to me.

My dad is a poor guy. He prays everyday, cracks great jokes, doesn't even beats me. He loves me alot. He don't know what to do. He said we should suicide if the society finds about it.

My brother is 27 years old and he is obsessed with a girl and he only minds his buissness. He don't even cares about his family. My elder sister also does not care.

- Fazilu

Tagged as: , , , , , ,

14 Responses »

  1. As-salamu alaykum Fazilu.

    Do NOT consider suicide, and please tell your father as well not to say such things or consider it. Your mother's shame in having an affair belongs to her only. You and your father have not done anything wrong, so there is no shame or sin on you. There is absolutely no reason to consider suicide. Suicide is a serious sin in Islam, and is destructive to everyone.

    I suggest that your father should divorce your mother and be done with her. Divorce is not haram, and there are times when it's the best course of action.

    As for you, I understand that you are hurt by this, but keep in mind that your mother did not do this to hurt you. Although she committed a serious sin, that does not make her an evil person. Even if your parents get divorced, it's okay to continue to have a relationship with your mother and to be kind to her.

    Wael Editor

    • Wael,
      Second part of your message seems like its ok for her to have affair and she is not evil person .
      The message looks like its not a big deal if she had affair ..

      • It IS a big deal that she had an affair, and it's a serious sin, as I said. She will have to answer to Allah for that, and she will be shamed before society. But that does not mean that her daughter has to hate her or cut off relations with her forever.

        Committing an evil act not automatically make a person evil, especially if they make tawbah afterward. We can hate the act they committed, without hating the person himself / herself.

        Wael Editor

      • OP: (Father) He don't know what to do. He said we should suicide if the society finds about it.

        Father is more concerned about other people finding about it.

        • That seems like. At his age men don’t think to do divorce. They live with their spouse like room mates. He seems like very weak.

  2. Please do not even think about suicide, and as the brother said in his comment tell your father not to either.

    Your dad should divorce her and let her go with this other man.

  3. If your dad really wants to fix the relationship tell him to be a man and talk to your mom. Seems like your mom has the upper hand. She had no shame and fear bring the man to the house. The fact that your siblings aren’t caring seems like your family is dysfunctional. Stay strong and tell your dad to never think about suicide. There’s is other solution.

  4. As-salaamu alaikum wa rahmatullaahi wa barakaatuh ..

    OK, let's put things in perspective. Your mother is seeing another man, and from your story, they are "only" meeting and talk, and there is no physical zina involved (as far as we know). I am not saying that what she's doing is right, this is wrong and disrespectful to your father and your family, also a big sin to Allaah subhaanahu wa ta'ala.

    Your father should sit her down and talk to her heart to heart, and decide if they want to stay married or not. They should discuss seriously the problems in their marriage because I'm sure there are some problems that we don't know about. No woman will look for attention from another man if she finds fulfillment in her marriage. You don't know what was happening in your parent's marriage that leads your mom to have this affair. Maybe your dad is not as caring to her as he is to you. If something bad happened in a marriage, both parties usually have some parts in it, both the husband and the wife did mistakes or there are some problems in communicating with each other, that we as outsiders would never know. They can look for an intermediary, for example, someone who's kind and wise or a marriage counselor.

    Now, if your father wants to make the marriage work, and your mother wants to cut off her relationship with her other man, they can go to marriage counseling together. Affair is something that hurt so much, but it is also something that can be overcome if your parents want to work together, forgive and forget, and for your mother to make taubah.


    You should try not to let other people know about this affair and work things out together inside the family. Especially if your parents want to try to work things out and keep the marriage together. If not, he can divorce her amiable and kindly, and be the better Muslim by keeping quiet and not spread her wrongdoings to the community. Remember if we hide other's sin, Allaah will hide our sins in the day of judgement.

    You have to stay respectful to both of your parents and let them deal with this themselves. Their marriage is their problem, and they should work it out themselves.

    • Yeh .His father need to have a straight talk and decide about future .
      As he said he is poor so that itself a first negative thing for many women and to develop disconnection and negative feelings .

      There is no point in simply justifying wrong saying there should be problem with other spouse only .
      In today's world people get bored easily as lot of entertainment/chatting/sex in your internet ,mobile and talk to non mehrem so possible to create new issues unwantedly .. There are lot of married women/men doing sex chat , illegal sex online as per many statistics from news medias.

      Talk about suicide is worst here .Why some one want to commit suicide and disobey Allah for a woman who is adulterous.
      He should remember if some one commits suicide he will be in hell forever so its better to take divorce and stay alone .

    • Umm Abdallah, well done for your reply. This is between adults, one does not need to be so hasty to contemplate immediate divorce without investigating the crux of the problem. You point it out well, that we do not know that zinna has been actioned in this so called “affair”. Shaytan leads everyone astray, it’s how we overcome him that is a test of our faith and trust in Allah. Divorce isn’t the primary solution here, talking communicating and understanding where the marriage went wrong, why and the reasons behind it are what’s most important to get clarity for the future of the marriage and children, I do believe your father didn’t literally mean suicide but said it in anger as a side remark which people of culture often say when they reflect on what the extended family and community may say hearing of such scandals. SO DO NOT TAKE YOUR FATHERS WORDS LITERALLY. Yes jannat still lies at the end of your mothers feet, she nurtured you for 9 months, gave birth to you and spent endless nights awake, feeding and comforting you, you cannot ignore her contribution to your life thus far. You yourself will be tested by shaytan like we all are at certain points of our lives and as you grow older you will be more wiser in your opinions and thoughts, perhaps even reflecting and understanding that your mother may have gone through immense struggles in her life or marriage, that in your young age, you are unable to comprehend just yet, let the adults discuss this amongst themselves and come to a solution. In the mean time focus your attention on Allah SWT for mercy and forgiveness for your parents and to guide you on the straight path and to give your family sabr and guidance as well.

      • Fee ,
        Your reply seems like making him feel like guilty and praising mother as honourable , pious woman .Its same old culture mindset where patent can not do wrong .

        • ABC,

          It would be best if you reread it. Fee is pointing out the sacrifices the mother made for the Questioner when she took care of him until now.

          No Muslims is sinless, and that including his mother and his father. No one said that what the mother did was correct, it's wrong and indefensible, but not the end of the world.

          We don't know what the extent of the affair that she's done is. Probably the man was just visiting and talking or whatever. But even if there is a physical zinaa that happened, if the Questioner or the father can not prove "the act" plus 4 more adult men as witnesses, it will not hold in shariah court. Unless the mother confesses, and that has to be repeated several times. Just as when a sahabiyah admits that she did zina to the Prophet salla Allaahu alayhi was salaam, he told her to return home several times before accepting her confession.

          And in my years working and talking with women, if there's a problem in a marriage, most of the time if not always, both parties --- the husband and the wife --- made some mistakes, either by doing something, not doing something, ignoring something, leaving something out, or not communicating.

          So let the father and the mother talk and sort things out. If they don't want to stay married, then they should divorce amiably, for the sake of the children. If they want to stay married, then they must try to forgive and forget and work on making their marriage work and loving and fulfilling for both husband and wife.

          • Umm Abdallah ,

            In above case divorce seems to be best option .

            Telling adult kid that its between your mom and dad and don't interfere is not going to solve the problem .
            The kids who see their affairs of parents comes with great mental trauma and telling them its not your business is like telling them to suffer in silence .

            As per one hadith if remember which tells if you see some thing wrong happening and capable of stopping then stop it . How can they allow it to happen despite knowing wrong is happening ?

            There is common pattern of replies for such cases telling adult kids to shut your mouth and don't ever dare to interfere as this is their matter .Another common defense is no one is sin free , No one is perfect .Please think about sacrifices of parents as if like it gives license to do whatever they want .

            For such adult kids to come out of this trauma better they talk directly to parents and tell about this issue which is causing problem mentally to them .Lets there be initial scenes but things has to fall in place some day .Even divorce of parents might be good solution then seeing parents doing adultery thinking its none of my job to stop it and they are holy souls .

Leave a Response