Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Mom stopped me from texting him

text message

So my brother and mom found out about this boy I love. I told them it was true, and explained how much I love him and that I was serious about him. Being 16, my mum totally flipped saying that I'm so young and I haven't even finished my studies etc etc, and they stopped me from texting him.

I know texting him is a sin. I shouldn't even be speaking to boys, and maybe I am young, but I know I love him. He loves me too,  so why won't my mom just let me marry him? She told me that no matter what happens, she'll never let me marry him. She said she's going to choose a boy for me,  just like every other mother would; but where's my say in that?

I doubt I'll ever even be happy without him. Ever since then, if I ignore my brother or say things to him, he always says to my mom 'she's going back to her old ways- sort her out ' and I get shouted at. I'm really upset, and instead of understanding me they just shout at me or remind me of my mistakes. I just wanna leave home sometimes, and go somewhere far where nobody knows me and start afresh so I wouldn't be so upset all the time. My family fails to understand me, and that's what hurts me the most.


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8 Responses »

  1. in your situation there are several wrongs and several rights.

    1- No! moms don't always choose the broom. She can just help you to find the one who can make you happy in both of your lives. In Dunya and Ahirah.

    2- You are too young to decide marriage. I assume... But I am not sure. People in nowadays much more clever then in my times.

    3- Are you sure emotional decision will make you happy? Because you will spend rest of your life with him. And marriage is not just love, you may hate him just because he didn't respect one of your decisions. Emotions are really very fast changeables.
    I know several girls who suffer for rest of their lives after making decision like this.

    I am just saying Be careful! this decision is one of the biggest ıne in your life.

  2. Assalam alaikum Sister,

    Your mother was right in telling you to stop texting and you should obey her. Most likely she was angry and told you that she will decide who you will marry because of your inappropriate behaviour--which I think you can understand.

    Here is the thing, parts of us may be ready for marriage--like our heart, like our body, but are we mentally ready for that? That is a separate question. People might tell you that you are young, and that is true, but if you truly want to get married to this boy and he wants to marry you, there is a proper etiquette to follow. If the both of you don't respect the boundaries set by Allah, do not behave properly, do not show respect and kindness to your important family members, how do you expect them to take you seriously?

    If this boy wants to marry you, he has to approach your father for marriage. He should bring his family with him if possible and he should have a solid plan as to how the both of you will live after a Nikah is done. I grew up with a few girls who had their Nikah done at your age, but continued to live with their families in their own homes, and then later re-united with their husbands when they were ready.

    There is a way to do this the right way--but it will not be the way you have been pursuing this matter. Personally, I am in support of getting married when a person is mature enough to understand the rights and responsibility of it, but if that is lacking, then no.

    So rather than ignoring anyone, be solid and firm on your decision, show maturity, make Du'a to Allah swt and if this boy decides to follow through on being responsible in this relationship--then you will know either way. The bottom line is, if you want to be take seriously, then your behaviour has to reflect that.

    May Allah make possible what is best for you and this boy, Ameen, Thummah Ameen.

  3. At such a young age, when our mind and body is still i the nascent stage of attaining maturity, it is easy to misinterpret friendly gestures as acts of love. Given the fickle nature of human beings, it is normal to embody such feelings. But the sole mark of a true believer is in realizing the impact that these feelings can have, and as such, refraining to act on these feelings altogether.
    The concerns of your mother are not at all unfounded. She loves you, and moreover realizes that you are too young for understanding what you are dealing with. Given her age, she realizes the problems that accompany the misinterpretation of infatuation as love. As such, her love for you notwithstanding, she is compelled to shadow you out of fear of the pain you might come across. She is not at all wrong at flipping out on you. Agreed, she did not sit down with you to discuss and deal with the situation more closely, but that in no way means she does not want what is best for you.
    While it is indeed hard for you to not act on your feelings, given the inclinations that are so widespread among those of your age, i firmly urge you to dismiss all feelings you have for him as mere infatuation.

    SISTER, I reiterate saying that it is easy to mistake friendly gestures as indications of love, but I assure you it is not so, These mistakes have bad results, on your future and present alike, and those results have already started to show. DO YOU INTEND TO FORSAKE THE LOVE OF YOUR MORE MATURE PARENTS AND SIBLINGS, FOR SOMEONE WHO JUST TEXTS YOU BECAUSE HE LIKES YOU WHILE PURPORTING IT AS LOVE??
    I urge you to dwell on this matter, since it is of extreme importance.

  4. Salaams,

    It's common at your age that both boys and girls feel that whatever is going on at the time, will always be the case. As you say you feel you love him, and cannot imagine ever not being in love with him, but this is simply not true. Everyone learns to fall in love with others (sometimes several others) as they continue their life into old age. Usually after a number of years you remember the person you love now and have no feelings whatsoever for them.

    Wanting to get out of the house is common, too. Sometimes the stress can be overwhelming, and wanting to get away from things seems like the best solution. However, this is not an ideal approach problem solving and will certainly not serve you in the adult world.

    Don't let this boy come between you and your mom. Respect her wishes, and try to repair your relationship with her as best you can. Trust me, marriage will come and it will take up most of your life, and there is so much to be enjoyed in your youth. We often waste those years looking forward to marriage, babies, careers etc- but once we achieve all those we long for the ease and simplicity of our youth. Don't take it for granted.

    -Amy Editor

  5. Salaams Sr,cupcakes123 😀

    I Just wanted to let you know That for me you being sixteen is not the whole issue here... read on and you will understand.

    I myself i'm seventeen Turing eighteen inshallah and i don't see my self getting married until i can take care of myself and any children i see my self having in the future but Allah (swt) knows best.

    I just wanted to advice you on a couple of things seeing as we are close in age and can relate to each other.
    DO NOT get married just because you love someone trust me on that I know alot of people who have regretted that choice. Love is not just about you or his feelings! to truly love someone you have to know what you are getting into. I don't know the guy's age but you being 16 and all... well that age puts restrictions on you. I mean you can't even find a good paying job or can't even drive yet (depending on where you live). What about where you two will live? How about if you get pregnant? or your baby has a disability (Insallah may Allah prevent that from happening to you!)? Or how about your babies college or cloth or anything that a child will need can you yourself provided for him/her? How about if he (your Love) Leaves you ei cheats or can't be a husband or even he dies (once again i hope Allah does not let you face that kind of pain) ? what about school? what do you want to be when you grow up? Do you know who you are as a person? What are your hopes and dreams? where do you stand in life?

    I personally do not think a Woman because you ARE one! should not get married until she can take care of her and her children.

    and if you plan to fall for a some sweet nothing (lip service) and end up having sex or oral or what not before you get married thats going to make you feel worse truest me! and if you ever have a child because of that act please don't abort him or her walahi that's just not right at all sis one wrong is enough.

    Love is not about feeling butterfly's or happiness everyday those are temporary. Love is about Appreciating someone for who they are as a person and being able to support, respect and cherish them for a longtime! But to do that you need to love yourself and be able to know who you are and what you as a person have to offer do you get me i really with all my heart want the best for you and your future and may all guided you towards that path Aman 😀

    Think about yourself and don't do anything just to rebal agiast your parents. take this to heart.

    • Hi Amina

      I could not help but reply to your post as a mother of a 19 year old daughter. You say you are 18 but your words are far beyond your years. In all honesty I have elders in my imidiate family that do not speak or possess this type of knowledge you are very wise. I feel there is hope if our children can possess knowledge like this. Please elders listen to your children they can help you right so many wrongs that have gone on and are still going on. Thankyou

  6. Sister, the same happened with me when I was 16. But, now that 3 years have passed, the guy left me, because he wanted to explore life. He felt too restricted with me. I really felt like he truly loved me and now him leaving me, suddenly really came as a shock for me. Don't ditch your parents and family for such guys. If a guy really loves a girl, he approaches her through her parents, not directly. Now I really feel ashamed because of my acts. Now, my family whom I portrayed as villains at that time are the only ones on my support. Quit this right now. You may love him, but he won't. Let some years pass, and then you'll know. I could never imagine him leaving me. He had even spoken to his parents about me. He didn't talk to other girls, not even one of them. It was just me. But now it's all over. Just do what Allah and your parents say. They are right. They are the ones who gave you birth, they love you and want the best for you.

  7. well your mother is right because we cant give gurantee that he loves you he may cheat on you... and you are just 16 as i m 17 😀 we are both too young we should just stay out if this because we can't trust anyone just focus on your studies Once you get good marks and then get addmission in good university you will automatically get nice guy by your side 🙂

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