Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My mother was my best friend who I shared my pain with, can I go to her if she can’t come back?


Mother, the best friend of her daughter

Is falling in love haraam? I feel like I have done something wrong and today I am paying for it.

I never mixed with boys as I come from a religious family, but when I left collage to go to Uni I met this guy who instantly I fell in love with, there was a connection which even I couldn't control...

He used to treat me with respect and told me he wanted to be with me without doing haraam etc, he told me he respected that I wore an abaya and I prayed 5 times a day...

He told me everything I wanted to hear, I told my parents because I thought that was the right thing to do? I then found out he got married which killed me, I felt so num how could he do that to me, I suffered in silence as I drifted away from my family and my mum couldn't handle watching me go through the pain of a broken heart at the age of 23.

I decided to cut ties with him so I wouldn't cause problems in his married life, 6 months later he calls me and tells me he got divorced, I was relieved because all I did that last six months was cry my heart out to Allah because I couldn't cope with the pain. He again convinced me he wanted to marry me but never took the step further I again told my parents but my mum kept saying he is not going to marry me because he is a compulsive liar, my mum shortly after passed away due to breast cancer.

My mum was my best friend but I didn't listen to her the guilt I am carrying with me ways more then anything. 2 years on and while he continued to play games with me I kept praying to Allah to help me to make him mine, I had so much faith in Allah that I would reassure myself I will be married to the one I love.

I'm now 29 and 2 weeks ago I found out he married another girl last year but her parents put a condition he had to buy his own house before she moved in which he did and she moved in a couple of months ago. Today I feel so devastated that I was blinded and while I was chasing him I lost my world the most precious person in my life my mother, why do I feel like Allah has done me wrong? Is it because I was doing haraam? People say its because something better is written for me but where?

He is the one enjoying his life while I am left to pick up the pieces. Will he never be punished for playing this awful game with me which took a chunk out of my life? Am I that bad that I have to go through this? I feel like I die a thousand times a day and I want to put an end to this now and forever, if my mum can't come back can I go to her?

The pain I'm suffering in this world I can't bare anymore I just want to go to my mum. I don't want to live anymore it's pointless as I have stopped reading and praying because I don't have the energy in me. If I did do something will I be forgiven for the state of mind I'm in? Please someone tell me? I don't think he will ever be punished for what he has done to me but I don't want to be punished anymore either...

~ khadija1980

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7 Responses »

  1. Asalamo Alaikum Sister,

    Falling in love is not Harram i think but the acts are harram if you do anything which is not permitted in Islam.

    Your mom was right. The person you love in was not sincere with you.

    Also you would surely meet your mom hereafter. And you should pray for you and for your mom.

    Don't think negative. My mom is also died and i miss Her. Sometimes i want to meet her and share things but i cant because she is not alive. But i feel Her with me when i am in pain.

    So keep remember your mom and pray for Her and share things with Allah ( swt ) because He loves us more than our moms.

    ALLAH bless you.


  2. Salaam sister,
    When we are in love we dont see the bad sides of a person anymore.He is not a good person.Allah saved
    you from doing more haram.Make dua for your mum and live a good life.I was married and he cheated on me be happy you never married him.Some day a better person will come on your path.You are still young and healthy thank Allah for this.There are people who are ill and just got a few days to live they pray that Allah gives them more time to live.Sister look at all the things you have.Make your mum proud by livinga clean islamic life.

  3. Salaam sister, it's unfortunate you have had to go through this, may Allah give you sabir and grant your mum a place in heavon. Try to think about yourself, focus on things which make you happy and most importantly don't lose hope in Allah, you should never question Allah and why certain things happen praise Allah for saving you from such a person who is now in his second marriage? I believe what goes around comes around, you might feel he is not being punished but only Allah knows what is happening behind closed doors. Rather then cursing him or praying for his marriage to fail, my advice would be to leave it in Allah's hands.

    What he has done to you is wrong, not every brother is the same inshallah you will find someone who will make you happy, but try to stay close to your family and learn from your lesson.

    In my opinion you haven't done haram loving someone, as long as it didn't go further. You can teach other sisters so much from your experience especially telling other sisters love should only be after marriage this way chance of your heart being broken is slim.

    Please don't do anything which will harm you, if I understood your thinking about suicide? This is completely against Islam Allah created you and Allah is the only one who has the right to choose when your time will be up.

    May Allah give you sabir ameen.

  4. as-salaam-u-alaikum-wr-wb ukhti..

    I hope you are well.. By now I'm sure you've gathered that this Man was not sincere.. He is not worth any more of your time, worries or tears..

    *Insha' Allah*.. with time you'll learn to adjust and come to terms with everything that has happened.. You could say.. this is your healing phase..

    You'll come to find someone who is suitable for you.. who is sincere.. faithful.. kind and caring *Insha' Allah*.. be positive regarding your life.. and take this as a test which you need to pass by being strong and active..

    Do what your mum would have liked to see you do.. I'm sure she would've loved to see her daughter happy and successful.. and that is what you should strive to do..

    In times that you need authentic guidance.. perform Istikhara and ask Allah *swt* for guidance.. you are not alone

    Perform your Salah's on a regular basis.. keep yourself busy in other activities.. so you don't sit there beating yourself over something that was never your fault.. Get in touch with your friends to spark up your social life.. try to keep yourself happy and busy..

    Allah *swt* knows best..

  5. As salamu alykum dear sister....when i read abt ur problem i was literally heartbroken. But sister, u must realise that Allah loves u more than anyone else...imagine if u would have got married to that devil-struck person and then this betrayal would have happened . So it had been a blessing from Allah that u didn't indulge in any haram...
    Dear sister, start ur life afresh and Do pray for urself and ur mom..
    May allah bless u and remove all hurdles in ur path

  6. Salaams,

    You have wasted enough time, energy, thought and tears on this man. The shaytan comes in many forms, as this man did. Some evil doers like to take a decent person and corrupt them. Don't even bother wasting time wanting him to be punished, for punishment will be metered out to all who transgress, only when Allah decides. It is not done to satisfy others but Allah does this when the time is right and only Allah knows best.

    Honour your mother by correcting your outlook on life and move on from this. You must not say Allah has wronged you, Astaghfirallah, for it was you who wronged yourself. You allowed yourself to be hurt in this way and now you have abandoned your prayers because some rotten excuse of a man abandoned you.

    You lost a chunk of your life yet you are willing to lose more by dwelling on this? Will you only be motivated by knowing that this man is suffering? No one can live like that and expect to achieve peace of mind. Please forgive me if you think I am being harsh, but I've been through this emotional turmoil myself and it serves only to destroy more of yourself.

    Rehabilitate yourself mentally and leave the past in the past.

  7. Hey there beautiful.

    You remind me of - me. I went through the same thing basically. But I got to a stage where I opened my eyes and realised that it was not maktab for you to be with this guy. Why are you in pain? Why are you suffering my love, what are you gaining from this guy? Nothing. He has moved on. And you are sitting there suffering and feeling heartbroken etc.

    Stop questioning things and get over it. Otherwise, you will turn insane. God did not have this planned for you, I reassure you that he has something even more amazing planned for your future.

    The one thing you need to ask yourself - is when you were with this guy or whatever who did you love more, the guy or Allah? I know that sounds insane but it's true. I have experienced it. And after I realised that I put that person in a place where they were my everything and when they were gone I was left with NOTHING. Because I put them above everyone else. As in they were on my mind all the time etc - you know what I mean.

    You need to be patient my love, and you need to open your eyes to the fact that Allah might be doing this so you can mature and get closer to him if that makes sense. In this life, you should love the creator - not the creation. Allah will never leave you, and he will be by your side no matter what. Not praying and being depressed as hell is NOT going to get you anywhere. You need to understand - fully understand that Allah did not put this man in your future for one reason or another and you need to accept that, get over it and move on. Find your happiness - in Islam.

    Get closer to the one who loves you and will never leave you because I guarantee you, you will be happy. Like me!

    I hope everything works out for you, and your made me think of me - a couple of years ago.


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