Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My mother is cheating on my father with his friend

 

woman talking to someone on phone

Assalam O Alaikum

Since I was a little girl, I remember my mother was cheating on my father with a relative but Alahmdullilah she’s a little over that. However, she is talking to one of the friend of my father. When I tell her that; it is wrong, she yells at me saying; he is just a friend (she has got another phone line) and I am positive that she does the same thing with this man that she used to do with that relative. I am very disappointed and I do not know what to do?

If I tell my father, he will definitely divorce her but I am afraid that it will cause more problem. My father is also not a good father or husband and has done bad things in his life but it was in the past but he does swear a lot. I have no idea how to deal with this situation as if I talk to my mother, she yells and breaks things.

Please help me in this situation.

Yasmin

 

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10 Responses »

  1. Asalamoalaikum sister Yasmin,

    I am sorry to hear about your household situation and you may feel like a sandwich in between your parent’s problems at times.

    The initial problem here that has caused both your parents to deviate from one another is there lack of understanding, compassion and love for one another. A successful marriage requires a communication, understanding and sacrifices from both sides. It’s very common when one is not satisfied in their relationship (emotionally, physically and sometimes even financially) that they look for this sort of comfort elsewhere—of course this underlying notion doesn’t justify cheating at all. We are adults and need to deal with situations maturely but sometimes we forget how to or the common one “we just stop caring”.

    I feel your parent’s lack of emotional intimacy, caring, and understanding for one another may have caused a rift in your home environment. You may feel at times that there is a “cold war” going on, that although things are silent at home, there is still this battle happening.

    In order to overcome this situation, you need to firstly sit with your mother calmly when no one is at home and explain to her in the most loving of ways that what she is doing is wrong and a huge sin. Of course like you’ve already stated, she will most probably deny it or project her anger at you. You need to then remind her that Allah knows all and He sees all so even though she is denying it to you, this fact isn’t hidden from Allah swt. What if when she is indulging in these actions (i.e.: talking on the phone with the man) that her soul is taken from her? Tell her, that you understand that you’re father may have not been the “ideal” father or husband but he is her husband and your father. Every martial relationship has problems, but we need to seal those cracks before they increase and break into two pieces. A husband and wife should be each other’s garment: they protect you, keep you warm, hide your faults and act as a shield from external harm in the environment. You should also do the same with your father—but do not tell him of your mother’s affair. There may be a time inshAllah that your mother will realize her sin, repent and never return to it again so you don’t walk to walk that path. Also, it’s best not to break the news to your father and be the one to “blame” indirectly for the problems at home.

    Sit in isolation with both your parents; explain to them how their actions and relationship has not only affected each another but also everyone else at home. Also, try reciting the Quran at home loudly verbally so that your mother is under this constant reminder of Allah swt. You can also play the recitation from your computer at home so everyone can listen to it, including the translation of it. There are numerous websites that provide the recitation of the Quran with English translations. It may be that one verse of the Quran may soften your mother’s heart and make her realize her sin, inshAllah.

    Lastly, offer your 5x daily salat and make lots of duaa to Allah swt to give both your parents hadayat and to make your household situation better.

    May Allah swt give you the strength and patience to endure this situation and give both your parents the hadayat to return to the right path, ameen.

    -Helping Sister

    • I am sorry helping sister but I don't agree with your approach , the questioner's mother has cheated twice .

      Once a cheater , always a cheater .

      I think it's time to take some serious action .

      Women are supposed to keep them selves shut for other men . Your mother is committing HUGE sins and you are watching your mom doing this sin .

      If she doesn't like your father , then what's the point of getting married to him . I personally think that your mother is using your father just for financial security . If your mother wants to cheat , then tell her that first divorce your father and then she can do whatever she wants .

      Look at your poor father . He is working day and night to feed his family and he doesn't know what his family is doing behind his back

      What a great betrayal , injustice and traitor ship to your father

      • LaLa, I don't think the situation is as one-sided as you are presenting it. Sister Yasmin also mentioned that her father has done bad things and is not a good husband.

        In any case, I believe it is up to the parents to solve this problem. The children cannot do it for them.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. My advice to sister Yasmin wasn’t that she takes on the role of a marriage counsellor but I do believe that sometimes children can melt their parent’s heart, especially when you convey to them how much damage their actions have done to you.
    Sometimes parents forget that they are supposed to be the leaders of the home and children have to intervene to remind them their forgotten role.
    I still feel though that she should have one last conversation with both her parents in isolation, and of course as brother Wael has stated you cannot change anyone, they have to have the motivation for within to change. So although you may speak to them, it doesn’t ensure that things will change—if they feel you have a compelling argument, they may, but if they don’t then you know that you’ve done your duty as their child to help them.
    In the end, just make duaa for both your parents that they receive hadayat, inshAllah.

    -Helping Sister

  3. Yasmin, this is a tough one, but ultimately my advice is to stay out of it. You have already spoken to your mother and advised her and that is all you can do.

    I disagree with Helping Sister who has basically suggested that you become like a marriage counselor for your parents. I don't think that's realistic. It's not the role of a child, and most parents will not respond positively to such advice coming from their children.

    If I knew your father better and knew him to be a kind and innocent party, then I would say you should tell him what is going on. But you have said that he is neither a good father nor a good husband. So it sounds like there is some corruption on both sides. Also, I do not know how your father would react if you tell him. He might commit some act of violence against your mother. You certainly don't want that on your conscience.

    You have done what you can. All you can do from here is to pray to Allah to guide your parents. Aside from that, I think you should stay out of it. If you really want to do something else, find out about a good marriage counselor, pick up a business card and leave it lying out where your parents will find it. That's a subtle suggestion, and maybe they will act on it.

    You really cannot change anyone. They must be motivated to change themselves.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Wael

      Her mother cheated TWICE ..

      I think it gives a fair idea of her personality ....

      In my eyes ...... divorce is only option left ....

      Nobody deserves to be cheated . If you don't like your marriage partner any more then what's the point in staying and cheating and collecting huge sins which will create a path to HELL .

      • You may be right that divorce is the solution, I don't know. It's not up to me, and my point is that it's not up to Yasmin either. She cannot solve this problem for her parents. It's up to them to work it out on their own.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. Yasmin, I too grew up in a house with difficult relationships between my parents. It's so upsetting to see people you love hurting each other. When you are young you think your parents to be so perfect, so untouchable. It is very difficult when you start to realise they are human beings like the rest of us with faults. It is impossible for you to know the complexities of your parents marriage, and for sure what your mother is doing is very wrong - but we do not know what has driven her to such a sin. Maybe next time you talk with her, don't confront her about what she is doing - but go to her in kindness and reach out to her tell her you worry about her and about her happiness in life. If she will softly open up to you about what makes her so angry she might be more inclined to go on to talk about things with your father. And will maybe listen to how you are feeling about life in your home and how difficult it is for you.
    It is a very difficult position to be in. To have this knowledge. You keep the secret and you betray your father. You share the secret and you betray your mother.
    Whatever you do try not to judge - leave that to Allah. Be kind and patient, and do your best to be good to them. They sound very sad, maybe you can help bring joy into your house. If not, sometimes we have to accept that some relationships work on the inside when on the outside they look terrible, and some relationships are just not meant to be. It is not for you to know which, just be there with an open heart to both your parents. Be patient and all will resolve itself eventually. Best of luck. Peace be with you.

  5. The same exact thing happend to me last summer we found out that my mom was cheating on my dad with his best friend. Things havent been too great and me and my moms relationship has suffered. My dad did cheat on her a couple years back and he has done horrible things to her and the rest of the family too but this was so surprising and i felt like she didnt care what anyone thought and she is still with him and they are actually living with eachother now. Ive had to grow up and deal with what she did and try to be a good daughter but i just dont understand why she had to do it. My situation is very much like yours and its nice to know im not the only one going through this.

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