Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Mother forcing me to commit sins – please help…

muslim woman

Assalamualaikum.

I am a 16 year old Muslimah who is in need of advice or a different point of view from others. I honestly did not want to do this but I am in need of help. I would really be grateful if anyone else could provide me advice or explain to me if I am in the wrong.

My mother has been dictating my love life for many years. Each time a guy likes or loves me, she would be the one who is in control. What do I mean by that? She would be the person that messages the guy, sending flirty and lustful messages, setting up dates and so on, without the guy knowing that she is the one behind it. She would then force me to go out with him, literally forces me to do things which I am uncomfortable with and such. Her reason behind this is, she's "teaching me how to love" because she claims that I do not know how to keep a man and I do not know how to love. She claims that my heart is void of emotions or compassion - which is not true.

I do know how to love. It's just that she never sees it in my way or she would never accept my definition of love. Just because I choose not to reciprocate the love that a guy (whom I do not like) gives me, I am considered "abnormal" according to her.

If she finds out that I do not do as she pleases (like kissing or hugging the guy), she would abuse me and threaten me to leave the house. She is also emotionally manipulative as she would make it seem as if she is the one who is being victimized. Also, she says that her family has a curse in which many females from her side of the family often reject men and became insane from not getting married and thus, she uses this excuse to force me to love this guy whom I do not have feelings for at all. She claims that all these things such as 'kissing' and 'hugging' are normal and she claims that I am not a normal girl just because I choose not to do these things.

I do know that 'kissing' and 'hugging' is natural when it comes to love but isn't it sinful when it's being done before you are married? I believe I have the right to define my own definition of what's love and I also believe that I have every right to love whom I want to love and not being forced to love someone out of pity's sake.

I am so tired of her constantly doing this to me. I am so tired of her dictating my every day life from what to wear each day, how to love a boy, and such. Isn't the feeling of love suppose to come naturally and not "forced"? I am so tired of all this, only Allah knows how tired I am constantly arguing with her. Each time I argue with her about this, she would claim that I am an insolent daughter just because I am standing up for myself and for what's right. I am so tired of constantly being emotionally abused, being threatened to leave the house - just because I do not wish to love the guy of her choice.

I cannot force myself to love someone whom I do not want to love. Why can't she understand that?

How am I suppose to trust my own Mother when she's not educating me to do the right things, islamically? How am I suppose to trust my own Mother when she is not protecting me from doing sins? In fact, she is encouraging me to do these sins just because it's "normal things that teenagers do in this modern generation". It is so confusing because every thing that she teaches or do contradicts Islam, despite wearing the hijab and doing her prayers.

Every day, I pray to Allah because He is the only one who knows how I feel. Every day, I pray to Allah to give me the guidance and enlightenment on what I should do? I tell Allah about my problems and I tell him to show me, if I'm really in the wrong. However, I strongly believe that this is not how a mother should educate her daughter on how to love - especially not by forcing and encouraging to do sins. I have become very desperate in this situation and I need advice on what I should do. Am I really in the wrong? Am I really experiencing her family's curse? Is there really something wrong with me?

Please give me your advices and your doas.

agirlinmisery


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6 Responses »

  1. Dear sister,
    Assalamu Alaikum w w

    According your post your mother is ignorant about islam,she is wrong.
    She need muslim psychologist.
    she need good shaikh to show her right guidance according Quran and sunnah.
    Now you are 16 of age. It is your life and you are responsible for decision.
    You know it is haram to do any thing sexule before marrage.
    May you continue your education and tell your mother after graduation we talk marriage.
    Good thing is that you asking almighty Allah,insha Allah you will be safe. Just patience and As-Salat and pray.

    153.
    Ya "ayyuha al-ladhina "amanu ista’inu bials-sabri waals-salatih (ج) "inna Allaha ma-’a als-sabirina

    O you who believe! Seek help in patience and As-Salat (the prayer). Truly! Allah is with As-Sabirin (the patient).

    Some recomadtion:
    https://www.halaltube.com/haleh-banani-redefining-yourself#.WG33HMMrL4c

    Haleh Banani – Redefining Yourself

  2. OP: I am a 16 year old Muslimah who is in need of advice or a different point of view from others.......My mother has been dictating my love life for many years. Each time a guy likes or loves me, she would be the one who is in control. What do I mean by that? She would be the person that messages the guy, sending flirty and lustful messages, setting up dates and so on, without the guy knowing that she is the one behind it. If she finds out that I do not do as she pleases (like kissing or hugging the guy), she would abuse me.....

    Kissing and hugging could easily lead to sexual contact. When your mother sends flirty and lustful messages, it tells the boy that your are open for any thing. I have a feeling your mother is lonely and trying to pick up young guys to fulfill her desires.

  3. You are right kissing and hugging etc. before marriage is a sin. Your mother is teaching wrong things. You should try to sit and talk to her and explain with references that these things are wrong in Islam. You are only 16 I do not understand why she wants you to be in a relationship. Anyways, I do not think curse is necessarily true. If it is in your destiny you will later have a good husband, and prosper in marriage. I do not know if you will be sinned, as your mother is forcing you. The best thing to do is ask Allah for forgiveness and ask Allah to educate your mother into not forcing you. Do not fight with your mother as that is wrong.

    A question to you is Exactly how does your mother find out if you hug or kiss a guy?
    You should try to stop those lustful messages or secretly let the guy you are actually not interested. Try to talk to a friend or relative that can help. Your friend and relative can help you get out of this mess. If not remember Allah is always there. Strengthen your dean as much as you can. Do not stop trying. Even when you are forced try to restrain from sin.

  4. First of all I am so sorry that you are going through that

    that is deplorable that is terrible

    THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU
    YOU ARE JUST FINE

    Your mom is in serious need of psychological help
    Not to mention she is breaking numerous laws

    It is the duty your mother to be your guardian and to protect you and look out for your best interest

    And instead she is putting you in the way of great Danger

    forget about sins and going to Hell or Heaven

    she could possibly put you in the way of being raped or being forced into prostitution

    I implore you need to call the authorities

    I implore you you need to get the police involved or somebody you can trust

    This is not a minor civil issue about her wanting you to pray in a certain way

    or even believe a certain religion

    she is literally putting your body In Harm's Way in the most vicious way possible

    She is not only going to destroy your good name she could possibly get you a disease

    Or you can be murdered in this way

    does your mother not realize what type of psychopaths exist in this world

    I cannot understand what she is trying to do?

    Please I implore you get a neighbor involved

    save all the text messages from your phone

    and show it to the police
    and explain to them your situation

    this is not legal

    she's exploiting you in the worst way possible

    Put religion aside for a few minutes

    this is your personal safety at risk

    You cannot praise God until you are perfectly safe

    worry about yourself first and the rest will follow
    Good luck
    Salamalekum

  5. Salam,
    please do not tell her about your love interest. Wait till you'lll be 18 and get out from the house. I don't mean to cut her off- but it's your life, your body and your soul that is from Allah. You decide. I completely with comments above.

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