Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My mother is almost having an affair, please help.

Extra-marital affairs are haram in Islam.

Assalam O Alaikum,

I'm 20 and my dad left us when I was 10. We moved to live with my grandparents after that. My dad remarried a few months after the divorce and my mom was shattered. I felt bad for her but I was too young at the time to realize she needed someone new.

My granddad had kept a driver for us last year. My mom ended up liking him a lot (even though he's like 25 and she's 47). They went on to text each other saying they love each other and she even started giving him pet names. We were unaware of all this till my sister and I stubled upon one of those messages. We were devastated and cried so much. Then we confronted her about it, and after denying it the first ten times, she finally accepted that she "loved" him. We tried to make her understand that she should stop encouraging it because it would never work out. She ignored our pleas and they continued to flirt and what not.

It was traumatizing and I lost respect for her. AND THEN, randomly, after 5 years, my dad came back (after a period of no contact whatsoever), and apologised profusely and wanted to get back. The driver got to know and he went crazy. He is a psycho and we'd told her that before but she never listened anyway so he started threatening he'd kill my father, or kill himself. The final outcome was, he screamed in front of all our neighbors that he "loves" her, and my grandad had to suffer sucha great embarrassment, and then he broke one of our basement doors, and slit his wrist shortly afterwards. And my dad left and never came back.

That whole episode traumatised me to the extent that I developed a depressed personality, and she STILL thinks he was a nice guy. This year, with the intention of finding someone for her, i made a profile for her on a muslim matrimonial. There were so many men interested in her but who does she fall for? SOme uneducated, cheap, uncultured, 30 yr old who doesn even have a house.
Their conversations ended up surpassing all limits Islamically and the guy seems to have no shame KNOWING she has 3 children just 9 years younger than him. She now thinks she's madly in "love" again, and I can see what this is going to lead to, because he's the same kind of person like that driver. They call each other names like theyr'e husband and wife. I got to know and got really mad, and i confronted her again. I brought up examples of the past, tried to make her understand that you cant say u know a person jus coz they sweet- talk you.

She REFUSES to understand and tells me to "stay out of her life". Why does she not realise that whatever she does is going to affect her three children? We've had enough traumas in our life, why is she so deluded by the same characters? HOW CAN I MAKE HER UNDERSTAND? She now says she will marry him after we're all settled which will be in like 5 years ish, but that she's gonna continue talking to him "at least". In the same disgusting way that made us want to throw up. SHE DOESNT REALISE HE WONT NECESSARILY WAIT THAT LONG, AND WILL WANT TO MEET HER AT LEAST. Or maybe she does, and she's ok with meeting too.

Please help me out here. They bring out the example of khadijah and Rasoolullah saws when I bring up the age difference. Is everything she's doing even allowed Islamically? PLEASE I CANNOT TAKE ANOTHER PSYCHO THREATENING TO KILL OR SUICIDE OR WHATEVER DRAMATIC CRAP. I'm traumatised enough. I'm praying like crazy, but i guess i've already upset allah swt too much 🙁 maybe this is punishment.

PLEASE help me please I don't know what to do, I've talked to her, begged and cried, I've asked him to leave my mother alone, but she just mailed him right back saying she misses him and blah blah (ew), and then changed her password.

P.S: I'm sorry for giving all the details but I can't talk about this to ANYONE I know, because it would shatter our reputation.



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14 Responses »

  1. walaikum assalam,

    Instead of trying to control her life, make it easy for her and encourage her to marry the person she likes. Perhaps it might help realise the situation that this isn't a joke, advise her gently to either marry him or stop all contact until they get married.
    InshaAllah Allah swt will bring about good from the whole situation for everyone.


  2. nahmaduhu wa nusalli ala rasulihil kareem amma baad.

    Well contradicting saqib you cant marry anyone whom u like..even deen has set some criteria and as the sister described both of them dont befit those criteria.

    I completely feel and understand what you are going through ,only thinking of this at my home boils me.I am sure that you dont have any elder brother.!!?

    Being concise and to the point ,i would advise that inform this to someone elder at your family or a local imam whom you lay trust and beseech them to make her understand that there is nothing called love she is just driven by feeling of being lonely.

    Pull her more towards loudly the regards to love affairs..girl friend ,boy friend etc..Inculcate in her the fear of allah swt.

    And i believe i did saw the profile posted on behalf of your mother on a matrimonial website.

    Dont forget to pray tahajjud.May allah swt be with u ,protect and guide you always to right path Ameen

  3. I absolutely second Saqib here. You need to realise, your mother's had enough miseries in her life and it is time you just let her be. The lady's anyway suffered a lot and now please don't humiliate her by trying to be her teacher. Do you realise her sincere affection for you when despite everything she maintains she'll wait for you all, her children to settle down before she moves on with her life? I respect her. It takes courage and immense strength for anybody to keep sacrificing her life, her desires, her hopes for the sake of one's family.

    Please understand, life's never too easy, especially when you and your children are abandoned by your spouse. Be thankful to your mum, that despite all the hardships and miseries, she continued taking care of you unlike your father. It's very easy to sit here and judge people, but you need to step into her shoes to understand how lonely she actually is! So please stop trying to control her life.

    And if you're so concerned for her, support her emotionally, mentally and help her be with someone she thinks is appropriate for her. Don't consider her naive or desperate, a woman who's endured betrayal, heartbreak, humiliation at the hands of her own people and who's still continued to live with strength is not someone you can take ride for. Perhaps, the factors you have considered important for her in choosing a life partner, are not as important to her.

    My prayers are with her.

  4. Assalamualaikum...
    Dear sister i dont really know if i am supposed to give you an advice or not but i feel something here...what i feel is that your mother..she has gone through alot..and i also understand you want to do anything and everything good for her..but what i feel here is seriosly that she is lacking with the feeling of alot of love...she is badly in need of from family and love from a husband...and those two man in her life showed her the amount of love which she only feels is true love..she feels that he can love her and that is only what she wants....i can feel her feelings..and also i know how you feel..but i would want you to take extra care of your her even more amount of love..more than anyone...she is righnow not in state to diffrenciate between right or wrong...instead of making her feel that the people she feels she loves r not her standerd try being more close to the amount of is going to be really hard at this time..because no matter what you say she wouldent take it serious..because she would feel that when only he loves me soo badly why to loose such love..but what you and your family members should do is spend even more time with her..try keeping her happy..its going to be hard my sister..but never giveup..Allah is with All of uss..InshaAllah...
    I know that only love of family for your mom myb wouldent be enough..she needs love of a husband..but first try filling her heart with family love..make her feel special..then slowly slowly InshaAllah you can fill the rest space by getting herself a good husband InshaAllah...Allah swt kws her ur care..teel her that u care about a sweet way..tell her u want to do anything possible to give her her best..u wouldent want her to live the life she lived after ur dad her that u kids are nothing witout her..And u people need her more them those men...and you love her mch more..
    I pray the pain in her heart heals soon..she realises it soon...And she takes the right step..
    May Allah give u strength..To be with her and hold her hands till then end..Aameen

  5. i really dont know how this online matrimonial thing works, and what kind of people put on their profiles there. so get some information on this guy. and then with an open mind, ask yourself is this a guy a good human being? someone who wont break your mother's heart? and keep her happy. education, and not having a house doesn't matter. what matters is the heart and soul. evaluate him on these grounds rather than how much money he makes or how cool it would be to mention his name to your friends when you'll introduce him.
    i think your mom is lovesick so she is drawn to people who give her love..
    she's been through alot, her husband divorced her and married someone else. that must have been devastating for her.. i dont know how she got through with it, though falling in love with a driver was utter stupidity however u cant keep blaming her for her past mistakes.
    it was you who made an online profile for her right? now if she has chosen someone that YOU dont like doesn't mean that she shouldnt marry him. how do u know he's not the right guy. Although you could be right but there's no guarantee that you are.
    why dont you talk to your mother about inviting this guy over dinner. talk to him then u'll be able to see how's he as a person.dont be biased. talk to your mother that if he really wants to marry her he should do it right away.. or just cut contact for good. why wait 5 years? see your mother is putting you guys before her. she wants you guys to settle first. why cant you put your mother first?
    tell your mother that you love her and and you only want the best for her and because of what happened in the past you're only more concerned about her but even after all that, if she decides to marry this person, you'll support her , that is how it should be, don't you think?
    give her love, so much love that she shouldn't look it for, all in the wrong places
    Hope she marries the guy she deserves.

    • The matrimonial option will not work, per me. Because she isn't willing to accept. If someone Religious is interested in her and shows such interest, then perhaps, there are high chances of her being ready to give up her wrong actions.

      Muhammad Waseem

  6. Salamu'alaikum,

    Sister, your mother is in this situation due to your father's absence, or absence of a husband. I know that she has been doing things that are wrong. Know that she is a Human Being and we Humans are prone to mistakes. Not denying that she is wrong, she should get married once and for all, then that will control her actions insha Allah. The question of "how" then arises. Does your mother offer 5 daily prayers? Does she go to the Masjid? If yes, then this is quite easier than the otherwise. Her friends in the Masjid, or other Deeni gatherings can wisely advise her to get remarried. If your father who has come back is a righteous man, then you and a person who has an influence on your mother should convince her to get back to him (your father). And pray that Allah brings Peace in her heart, because I understand that her heart is full of sorrow. Perhaps for this reason she has been doing what she is doing. Shaitaan always awaits such situations in order to attack the Mu'mineen.

    Someone having an influence on her should talk to her about deen, about the hereafter, that the life of this World is nothing but a test, and the Hereafter is the Place of Eternal Dwelling. If she becomes inclined to deen and loves Allah Subhaanah, then the evil actions will insha Allah automatically perish.

    May Allah forgive us all for our innumerable and huge sins, because His Forgiveness is much Greater than our sins.
    Wassalamu'alaikum Warahmatullah
    Muhammad Waseem

    • May Allah Grant us all al Jannah al Firdaus

    • this woman in question should be influenced to go back to her ex-husband who divorced and re married someone else and vanished off from the face of the earth and then finally shows up after a loooonnng time. and then again runs away..yeah right!
      with all due respect. i DO NOT AGREE..

  7. Assalamu Aleikum,

    First of all: Its not your task to raise your mother, its her parental task to raise you guys. I have the

    impression that you have taken over the role of the mother, or the parental authority. You

    don't have the right to tell her what's right or wrong, and even when you realize she's doing

    something against the Deen, which hasn't even taken place such as Zina, you don't have

    the right to spy. I think Qu'ran says : Va La Tajassus. I'm sorry, I don't have the right Arabic

    pronunciation. Don't spy on your mother's life, for she has a private life apart from you and this

    frankly, is none of your business. She has raised you kids as a single mom, and she was all alone

    in that process. If she intends to marry that man and stay with him, then this is something to

    be happy about. Look, there are many unhealthy parent-child or child-parent relationships out

    there, with an unnatural closeness, without boundaries. Let your Mom breathe, let her be herself.

    Liking someone else is not forbidden and if your father returned and suddenly changed his mind,

    it's not your Mom's fault. He was the one who left her behind. Now, I don't know anything about

    your Mom, her character, and her well-being. Although you have the right to be worried, i think

    knowing all of those details is not right. Have an honest conversation with her and cite your worries,

    instead of playing police officer or watchdog in your Mom's life.

    Good luck

  8. Hey it's me the OP.
    I have found the perfect guy for her and he likes her too. She was interested in him as well. The only problem
    Is that he lives in another country and is going to come to meet her only in December. Apparently she doesn't have any patience and is ruining it by meeting this other guy she's in "love" with.
    I had a discussion with my mom my uncle and me, and she told us very clearly that she does not plan to Marry this guy she's in "love" with, because she knows it won't work out in the long run cuz he's too young. Yet, she has not cut off contact and they continue to love talk each other all day and have met repeatedly. My uncle agreed that this is wrong.

    I'm her daughter for gods sake, no one knows better than me how much she has suffered her whole life. I used to sit up and cry for her because she was so alone. So yes, I know fully well why she is behaving the way she is but I just need a way to get thru to her and make her undrstand that we are gonna make SURE she gets married so she doesn't have to hold on to anyone and evryone who sweet talks her.

    How should I do that?
    I can't tell any imams or scholars because she will be devastated that I told them her personal issues. What should I do please help me !!

    I can't depend on my uncle to sit and convince her because he is a very busy man and already left to another country. Please help

  9. I am also facing same problem that my mother is having affair my father also no this but never take any action against her, now by day I caught her with alcohol,precious watches which were out of Pakistan , as I am sure that she had a boyfriend in Dubai where we go every year almost, she had the help of our neighbour which gave her the number of a person in Dubai , the neighbour lived in Dubai and sometimes in Pakistan. I have read all stories but all of stories of teen and I m only 12 year boy who is getting mad and crazy. All of my maternal family members no about this situation but they do nothing.what should I do now

  10. Your mom stopped this affair ?
    If no i think you need to allow them to get married even if he is young .
    I think its better for her to get married to young man than to have affair ..

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