Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My mother in law controls my husband

interfering mother in law

I'm 23 married and have a little beautiful boy out of my marriage alhamdulilah. I love my husband very much and do anything for him. I respect him and his family. I visit his family when I can and call his mom samethims ask her how she is.

I feel that I have to call her because she is like my oven mom to me. But she wants to control my husband, she always wanna now how much money he have or if me and him have an argue she always wanna tell him what to do or call me and tell me. "he is my boy and I know him, so is up to you to make this relationship work. When she says that I don´t know what to say to her because I'm thinking she is my husbands mom. I don´t even tell my mom and dad if me and my man have a argue about something but he always want to tell his mom if there is something that he doesn't like.

I told him so many times that, if we have some problems I want to talk to you then going to my mom and dad and I told him that I wanted him to do the same but he doesn't. I really dont know what to do.


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6 Responses »

  1. Yasmin,

    Sit down with your husband...again, and tell him how you feel. He does not need to run to his mother about what goes on in your relationship. If he cannot keep things between you private as they should be, your marriage is going to be in trouble. It's one thing to be a mother and another to be a mother in law. She may very well know her son...but you are his wife. He needs to give you some respect as such and his mother needs to back off and quit being so intrusive into your relationship. It's one thing to care and be concerned, it's another to cause strife and hurt.

  2. Assalamu alaykum Sister Yasmin,

    Mothers and sons have different types of bonding. May be this son is more inclined to sharing his life situations with his mother.

    It is not a big problem. I believe your marriage has not been going on for long. Sometimes things settle down quickly, sometimes they last longer. So pray to Allah to give you happiness from this marriage and give peace to your heart in all situations.

    Masha Allah you have been given a child, so Alhamdulillaah, mubaarak to you sister.

    As far as husband is concerned, get him to talk to you, stay with him more, spend more time with him and increase the closeness between each other. Let him open up slowly and share more and more things with you, Insha Allah, once he feels he is being "heard" and " his plea is being acted upon", he will be pleased with you.

    Sometimes relationships require just some finishing touches and not rebuilding or renovation. Just go slow, calm, try to love them, do not expect good from them, but expect from Allah, do good for Allah's sake, read the Qur'an with meanings and be patient.

    Allah says in the Qur'an : seek help in patience and prayer.

    If you keep patience, you will be able to cope up with current on goings and this will help you stay firm and unaffected in your way of life, so Insha Allah with your patience and prayers, you will find much ease.

    14. And We have enjoined upon man concerning his parents. His mother beareth him in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Give thanks unto Me and unto thy parents. Unto Me is the journeying.
    15. But if they strive with thee to make thee ascribe unto Me as partner that of which thou hast no knowledge, then obey them not. Consort with them in the world kindly, and follow the path of him who repenteth unto Me. Then unto Me will be your return, and I shall tell you what ye used to do.
    16. O my dear son! Lo! though it be but the weight of a grain of mustard seed, and though it be in a rock, or in the heavens, or in the earth, Allah will bring it forth. Allah is Subtile, Aware.
    17. O my dear son! Establish worship and enjoin kindness and forbid iniquity, and persevere whatever may befall thee. Lo! that is of the steadfast heart of things.
    18. Turn not thy cheek in scorn toward folk, nor walk with pertness the land. Lo! Allah loveth not each braggart boaster.
    19. Be modest in thy bearing and subdue thy voice. Lo! in harshest of all voices is the voice of the ass.
    - Surah Luqmaan.

    " Persevere whatever may befall thee. That is of the steadfast heart of things."

    Your brother.

  3. Salaam Yasmine,

    I am sorry to hear that you are feeling the strain of interference in your marriage.

    Your mother in law is just being a mother, and trying to help. The questions that she is asking are the typical motherly questions that mums ask to make sure everything is on track. Like most mums, she is most likely 100% unaware that she is having any kind of impact on you or your husband in a negative or positive way.

    The real issue here is the emotional reaction you are having about all of this. For some reason you are assigning her words with Power over youself and your husband and it is causing uPset and pressure. Ithis upset and pressure is being generated by you and the relationship you have formed between her words and your relationship.

    I would advise that you start to work on recognising that whatever your mother in law says or does is just words and that any emotions , or reactions that come as a result are the responsibility of yourself and your husband., and work on being able to see this. People will say things, there is no stopping that- but how we manage our reactions and associations to what is being said is they key to feeling at peace regardless.

    On the subject of your husband, it is wrong of him to share your problems with those outside of the home and I understand why this upsets you. My advice in this case would be to outline for your husband that his constant sharing of private conversations with you is creating a sense of distrust in your marriage and that if he continues in this way, you will not feel comfortable to talk to him in the same way. You will most likely have to repeat this conversation a few times, as we humans can take a while to learn and understand that what our partners are telling us are real and genuine concerns - so do not be disheartened if you find yourself having this argument many times before the message is relayed.

    Ultimately, your mother in law is a mum, and will always ask questions she perhaps shouldn't, and will always cross boundaries that shouldn't be crossed, but one day you will come to appreciate this about her and her interference could save your marriage in times of trouble.

    Keep your chin up, and try not to let anothers words and behaviours have too much emotional power over you. Let her say what she has to say, and recognise that you have to power to accept and live her, and that your marriage and behaviour is absolutely in your control nO matter what she says .


    Editor, Islamic Answers

  4. Hi I need help too...

    • Sarah, please log in and write your question as a separate post, and we'll answer you in turn Insha'Allah. Thank you.

      Wael Editor

  5. Jasmine,
    Hun, mothers for centuries have this strong bond over their kids either they are lacking self control, lack of self esteem or need control due to some kind of mental illness they have experienced over their lives.

    Mothers will always tell their kids what to do . We think to ourselves why the hell don't he get a back bone is he scared or is he a man child.. and beating yourself up over it will just make you doubt yourself. He wants to validate and please not only you but her to.
    Women to men are like mothers in their eyes as sick as it sounds, mothers are a nurturing symbols in a mans life as a kid they ran to them for scraps and cuts and momma kisses it to make it better.
    Wives are symbols of that.
    As for as her minding your business like what you do with your money or making a relationship work. Mothers think they know more because of the years they lived threw. Ite really nonw of her business. Just tell her that.

    I am sure deep down inside she feels like she has no control examples a mother with a iron fist controls kids because they have no control over their lives. And sometimes that is not a bad thing. Her heart is in the right place but you need to grow a thicker skin to save your marriage from being a statistic.

    Money, family and relatives are the major cause of desperation, separation and divorce.
    The other is the lack of communication and not being happy sexually. But that is here say. What you have is the problem of control who is major hen in the flock of chickens. You are the rooster but momma thinks she is the rooster. For each family you have to be opinionated, and with his mom she is over opinionated. And with you your territory feels threatened by his mom. You can either solve it by talking ,wits or patience; or argue ,fight and get your asstail in the air and hate. I figure a happy life makes a happy wife so just be happy. Let it not bother you. You want to be married and love him; you married him not her.

    Control has to due with fear. Fear is connected with control; either she is mentally ill which i hope not or she had a rough past of abuse , mind control or fear of abandonment.
    You can fight back or deal with it. Talking it out helps to. God bless

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