Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My mother in law is creating problems between us.

I live out of country with my in laws been married for 6 years with no children, last month we came to **** and due to a minor misunderstanding my husband divorced me once (he said acc to islam I´m giving you first talaq)on phone when I was at my parent's home he was at the airpot that time, he went away. After a week his parents came and said that i should forget everything and come back with them, husband did not contacted me,was the talaq valid and was it right to go that way?

After this many misunderstandings were created mainly by my mother in law,my husband called me and ordered me to stay with his parents and come back with them when they return or else stay there forever he will end this matter. I visited his parents they agreed that I can stay at my parents husband again called me again he was angry that I said certain things to my mother in law which I did not said.  I was very angry and upset and many other things happened in which whatever I did or said it was taken in the wrong way so my mother forbade me to go with my inlaws as they were creating misunderstanding between us my husband was listening to them but not to me and my istikhara was not coming right my husband was continously threatening me that I come back or he wil marry someone else. I was very afraid due to his unpredictable nature.

During all this once he called my mother and asked for forgiveness as he had misbehaved with her on that day my mother said that he should come and take me himself but he refused saying his mother will not like it his mother also refused my mother's request.(I am an orphan).  My mother seeing all this consulted my uncle so they forbade me to have any communication with him, I also requested him to come and take me but he mailed me very hurtful and indecent e-mail regarding me and my family which angered and hurted me and my family and we almost decided to end this matter. My husband contacted my brother he asked him not to involve any other person but as my mother is all alone she needed some advice.

After two days my husband said he is coming to **** to solve this.  He came but without his parents as his parents were not happy with this they still had hard feelings for me(i have never misbehaved or mistreated them i dont know y they have problem with me there is no medical fault with me some is there in my husband) so my uncle refused to send me like this without solving matters with his parents but they refused to meet my uncle.  my uncle said that he needs to consult some alim and lawyer which will take time.

My husband has a job there so he said he is going back tomorrow he can´t stay, he took leave for one day only he was desperate to talk to me but i did not because whenever we talk it ends in fight or more misunderstandings may be he took it wrongly and went back saying when he will be free and things cool down then he will solve this.

Main thing we think is my mother in law is creating problems, in the first place she created misunderstanding between us while I was at my parents home and without confirming  he divorced me,  then again she said many lies about me and my husband only listen to her as I have to live with her I am afraid that she can do this again my mother says if I go there they will mentally torture me and he can say anything to me again.  My mother in law is not prepared to come face to face with my family in front of my husband so how can we solve this if my husband will not know the truth. How will he respect me and I can live peacefully there? Am I wrong in not going with them when he came? I believe in istikhara which is also not coming right.

What should I do?   please keep it confidential,  if this matter is not under you, can you suggest me any means where I can get an opinion?

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5 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaykum Sister Ira,

    Do not worry. Allah is the Greatest and we shall find a solution to your problem soon by His Help.

    Insha Allah we, your brothers and sisters, will answer your question in detail seeking Guidance from Allah.

    I shall pray now and seek Allah's help in giving you an answer. I do not want to answer right now with waht comes to my mind. Rather I want to think deeply upon the whole matter from begining to end.

    Insha Allah shall prepare and give you an answer in a few hours time.

    Your brother,

  2. Salaams Sister Ira

    Sorry for the troubles which you are facing in your life. From what I gather about your situation is that you are now with your parents as they would refuse to send you with your husband until his mother discusses the problem with your'll face to face.?

    In my opinion when your husband came to visit you, you should of spoken to him in private. Listen to what he has to say. Remember you married him- not the entire family. First create a solid, stable relationship between yourselves. The only way you can solve this matter is through communication. Discuss this matter between the two of your'll. Be open about your feelings but try to be understanding and let him know that you expect the same from him. If your mother in law is not willing to come to your parents home then why don't you try going with your husband to her home. The three of you should sit down and discuss all the problems. Hopefully yourll would come to some understanding of each other. If you still feel that problems would arise in the future then I would strongly suggest that your'll move out and live on your'lls own. In this way there would be no inteference from anyone.

    "again my mother says if I go there they will mentally torture me and he can say anything to me again". Sister your husband might say anything to you at any time your'll have a misunderstanding. You should remind him that he should guard his tongue especially when mentioning talaaq as those are words which you cannot take back!


  3. Salam Ira,

    After knowing a neighbor who is in a similar situation as yours and has been in a miserable relationship for ten years now, I will offer my advice to you.

    Listen to your mother and your uncle on this. Your husband and his family are absolutely ridiculous in their behavior and treatment of you. You are a human being...a woman who gave herself to this families son and yet you are treated with absolutely no respect. Divorce you over the phone...really? Unbelievable. Respect yourself and do not allow them to treat you this way. You have a voice...use it. Stand up for yourself in this matter and don't allow yourself to be pushed around. Your uncle and your mother have your best interests at heart and want the best for you. Be strong here and look within yourself...what do YOU want here. Simply don't continue living day to day thinking you can do no better and you have to put up with their disrespect and rude ways. Life is way to short to spend it with people who only want to be miserable.

  4. Assalamu alaykum Sister Ira,

    I begin in the name of Allah and I hope my Lord will inspire in me to write with truth and make my words a helpful advice for you.

    Insha Allah I try to answer your questions one by one in the sequence you asked:

    1. It is not good that your husband gave you divorce over the phone due to “minor misunderstanding”. He should have sat with you and talked to you before saying any such thing. He should remember that you are also a human being, someone’s daughter whom he has been trusted with by the permission of Allah to seek the purpose and pleasures of an Islamic marriage and he should keep His duty to Allah and should abstain from such actions. May Allah give him hidayah. If he divorced you, then you ought to keep the “iddah” period of three monthly cycles. Going back to parents his parents on their request for peace is not wrong, but you should not have any physical relations with him during the “iddah” period, in between if he wants you back he may do so by his words or actions or else pronounce a divorce second time. Please update us what happened on this part to give you a more precise reply regarding divorce part or you may consult some one local well versed with laws of Allah. Please get this part cleared first with authentic advice.

    228. Women who are divorced shall wait, keeping themselves apart, three (monthly) courses. And it is not lawful for them that they should conceal that which Allah hath created in their wombs if they are believers in Allah and the Last Day. And their husbands would do better to take them back in that case if they desire a reconciliation. And they (women) have rights similar to those (of men) over them in kindness, and men are a degree above them. Allah is Mighty, Wise.
    229. Divorce must be pronounced twice and then (a woman) must be retained in honour or released in kindness. – Surah 2, Al Baqarah

    2. A marriage is enjoyable when there is some peace in the house. Fights and arguments are a part of marriage, but to an extent that it causes hurt to the partners and their families not only ruins the bond of love and affection they share but also makes them lose focus from their primary duty and purpose of life: To worship Allah and be on the Straight Path of Islam. From the details provided by you it is visible that you are facing or at least seriously feeling that your mother in law is not acting rightly and does the work of igniting fire between you and your husband. If this is the case, consult with her in kindness what does she want from you? What kind of daughter in law does she wants you to be? What is the real problem? Try and know from her and if you can work out, try and solve the issue. Sometimes we feel it is only others who accuse us, 90 % of their accusations may be false, but 10% we may also be at fault. It is hard, but try to recognize by your ownself in your own mind if even a little bit of what she is saying is correct or not and Insha Allah once you know what it is, you can work it out. Insha Allah, this would help you maintain good ties with her.

    Allah is able to do all things. Turn to Him for refuge and pray to Him and thank Him and remember Him much so that you may attain success. Do not be dim in His remembrance; Allah loves those who turn to Him for Help. So seek His help in all your affairs.

    3. I notice something in your in laws’ behavior which is – Ego, familial, societal and cultural pride. What would happen if your husband would come and take you? Would they get any lower or base? His mother’s dislike in his coming and taking you back from your parent’s home and consequently his agreeing to their demand suggests to me that your husband is not standing firm upon his decisions and is compromising on his choice by agreeing to what his mother says. On one side he wants reconciliation, apologizes to your mother and on the other hand he says that his mother will not like this? He should act like a man, and try to make his mother understand that these things do not deserve so much importance and we are all slaves of Allah, what pride can we have? We are Muslims; Allah does not love pride or boasting. You say you also asked him to come and take you, but he emailed you and mentioned hurtful things about you and your family. What does this suggest? Was he hurt by something your family said to him? Or does he act likes this always? Well I believe you and he both have been hurt from both sides and so he told your brother not to involve anyone else in this matter. You see both families sit together and decide together and every time the blame shifts from one party to the other. If we hear your husband, he may have similar things to say about your side. Only Allah knows. I think there is no “big” problem, but rather the smaller misunderstandings are creating further divide and Insha Allah can be solved by acting kindly towards each other.

    53. Tell My bondmen to speak that which is kindlier. Lo! the devil soweth discord among them. Lo! The devil is for man an open foe. – Surah 17, Al Israa.

    4. The approach of your uncle was right in not sending you in that manner and consulting a scholar and a lawyer before sending you back. Also, his parents should have come over and discussed whatever their problem was. If you say you never hurt them, we believe you. Then get to know what their real problem is? If they are unwilling to answer it, then their arguments and unnecessary fights with you are likely to continue and we come back to Zero again, with no progress. It is really important to know what their problem is. What is that which makes them have hard feelings for you? Please try and arrange for a mediator to get across and give you details from the other side if they are not willing to come over to your side.

    5. If your husband came to talk to you, you should have talked calmly on the matter. But that time is gone and is a matter of the past. Sister, you have to talk. Without talking, without communication how you think any problem can be solved? Any man would feel bad if he would come from a far off place to solve a problem and would get such response. So try and get to arrange with a meeting with him and his family, and before that consult a scholar and get the issue about your divorce cleared.

    6. Your husband Insha Allah will love and respect you once you do the same to him. I have always found women to be more sacrificing and compromising then men in being the first to come forward in kindness even when they are at very less in fault or in no fault at all. Sister Maria, one of the editors of this site always stresses on unconditional love and respect and I feel such are the times when we have to put it in to application. Try it once, see how it goes. Pray to Allah to give and increase love and mercy between in the hearts of you and your husband towards each other. Insha Allah, your efforts and prayers will work and life will be back on track.

    7. Istikhara is seeking Allah’s guidance. You have to know that there is nothing wrong or right about Guidance, Allah’s guidance is always true. We have to remember that the Knowledge of Unseen is with Allah only. We have a visible world in front of us, Allah has revealed the Qur’an as a Guidance and Healing and Mercy to us and also as a Furqaan, Criterion to Judge the Right and Wrong, He have given us eyes and ears and speech and has shown us the two ways – good and bad, so it is upon us which way to choose. We should move towards the good and leave all our matters to Allah. So do not worry, just increase your prayers and be constant in your prayers to Allah and even after your prayers have been answered, keep remembering and praying to Him as you did when you were surrounded by problems.

    8.My advice: Be patient, pray to Allah, read Qur’an a lot with translations, get the divorce issue cleared, get to know the real problem of your inlaws by a mediator, proceed with kindness, by arranging some dinner, inviting them over to your place and convey to them that you want to forget bitter experience of the past and start things fresh. Most important of all: Start living together with your husband, we are seeing lot of problems in relationships due to “long distance” between partners. You marry someone to live with them, not to live separately. Ask your husband to arrange for your stay.

    When all matters are settled, put your trust in Allah and start again, this time with solid Islamic foundations to your own being and to your relationship.

    May Allah give the best to you, but, if matters remain without progress, you feel nothing is working out, you feel that they are not willing to make peace and you feel your husband is not supporting you and you the purpose of marriage is not fulfilled and injustice is done to you and all your efforts are wasted, then you may seek Allah’s guidance, consult elders and seek a way out of this relationship, when all things fail. But first make some serious efforts and give it a try. Insha Allah you shall have success.

    Also, do not worry as to what would happen, whether you remain with this person or not, Allah has always made provision for you in the past and in the present and will make provision for you in future as well if you ward off evil and do good seeking His good pleasure, Insha Allah.

    Insha Allah we will pray to Allah to make your marriage work and bless you with comfort from husband and offspring and make you patterns for those who ward off evil.

    Insha Allah, I will try to respond to anytime you wish to write to us here again. I hope the advice helps and your question is answered.

    Your brother,

    * * *

    Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.

  5. live with the knowledge that you are not obligated to your mother inlaw and live your lives. get out and struggle and show allah your commitment to peace islam. god is great the rest are humans. enjoy this time of freedom on this earth. go back to school get a better job and pray fo forgivness because allah is most gracious and forgiving. allah akbar.

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