Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am a mother of two that needs to leave abusive husband

Should I leave him?

I have been married since 9 years and we have two great little kids under the age of 2 years. My husband had always been verbally and physically abusive to me but he always smoked cheated several times and drank alcohol occasionally. He uses bad words in the house he does not have a job he has no money we live with his mom and she supports us. He is physically abusive to me that I'm do tired of it. Everytime I ask him to leave he says I can't leave with my kids.

I need to get a divorce from this guy but he won't let me unless I leave my kids with him and I will never want to do that! Please give me some advice. What should I do? Should I stay with him and hope he changed for good one day or should I ask him to leave me but how should I ask him? He says and please make dua for me that I'm able to leave him or he becomes agood man.



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3 Responses »

  1. Salaam Subhan,

    I am sorry that you are in this situation, however it is a very good sign that you can recognise that this is a toxic environment and that you have the confidence to do what is necessary to leave it.

    Good advice will depend on which country you are in - as I am only familiar with UK rules and laws. If you are UK based, then I would follow the following strategy.

    1.) You need to make a get-out strategy.

    This is where you plan (in advance) where you are going to go, who you are going to stay with and how you are going to sustain yourself without your husband in the picture. It is important that you have people around you to support you emotionally during this time.

    If you do not have family and friends who can help, then it is important you contact an organisation who can help you, such as Refuge who work with cases such as yours to assist women in the get-out process.

    2.) Consult a solicitor

    It is important on what your rights are, especially in regard to divorce and child custody. You will need to know before you leave what you need to have in place (such as housing and finance) in order to make sure you can keep your children. Speaking to a solicitor before you leave, will give you and understanding of what is necessary so that you can plan and prepare for it.

    3.) Contact your local council

    In the UK, if you are in difficult circumstances, then you will qualify for government funded housing. By speaking to your local council and informing them of your circumstances and your decision to leave, they may be able to organise housing for you.

    4.) Save money, and find income

    You will need you support yourself on your own, so making sure you have enough to give you the financial space to get things started, either through saving money from what you are earning, or getting a job.

    Once you have prepared and planned adequately, you should inshaAllah, make a smooth exit without endangering yourself or your children, and divorce your husband with out too much problem.


    Editor, Islamic Answers

  2. salam leyla,
    it is so good to hear from you . i was thinking of you for few days, as had not seen your advise for ages, i was praying that every thing is ok with you.

    do what leyla is saying. alhamdullilah Allah has given you courage to think about leaving this man, i have lived a life where there has been a a lot of domestic it for kids! raising kids in such an environment has long effects. iam telling you my sister , do it for your kids. inshallah Allah will make way out for you.just take the step. i will make dua for you.

  3. In the United States, you can get a court order fairly quickly to protect you and your children. If you live in the U.S. individual States have different laws, so it's hard to say exactly what will be the time for the procedural actions to take place. Actually placing a telephone call to the police will get you started in the right direction as they can recommend services even if you do not seek a restraining order against him. You should be able to find help through social services and they'll be able to place you in a woman's shelter, though there can be a waiting period.

    I won't lie to you, living in a woman's shelter isn't a long term solution and living with other abused women will be hard for you and your children, so seek help from family and friends, first. Is there anyway that your family can help?

    Also, does he abuse you in front of his mother? Is she willing to help you in kicking him out of the house? It sounds harsh, but the relationship you describe really doesn't seem that counseling is a first option. He needs a serious wake up call as to what he is doing. Maybe with family help and support for you, he will see the error in his ways.

    I've known women in your circumstances and it's a long road to recovery. Abuse doesn't stop over night after 9 years. Above all though, ensure the safety of your children and yourself, even if it means calling the police and having him locked up.

    I know some people may disagree with me, but experience tells me that this will not end soon unless he gets a taste of reality.

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