Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I obey my Mother or my Husband?

secret nikah

Rasool(Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said: 'Marriage without Wali is invalid, invalid, invalid!'

Salam brothers and sister.

i want to ask a question about my marital life.

I have done nikah with my cousin. and my parents are not aware about my nikah. But my cousin's parents know it.

My parents say me to go out to some relatives or family friends, or join college for further study.

but my husband don't permit me even to get me some medicine. we dont live together. we have hidden contact. now i am confused, what should i say to my parents if they say me to go out.i mean what excuse? or if i obey my parents,then he quarrel me and say me that he will give me talaq. what should i do know?

he is so so so much possessive about me. he doesnt allow me even to go before any guest in my own drawing room. plz give me some kind advise. what can i do now? whether i can go out without telling him only for the sake of my parents. Or obey him and disagree my parents?

~ hadiageee


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17 Responses »

  1. Asalamualikum sister,

    first of all its a mistake to hide from your parents..... and second instead of gettin worried inform your parents as one day u have to reveal this secret ... so make them calm and tell them about your marriage... and about your husband since your parents doesnt know about this relation ship you have to listen to your parents itsself ... and after telling your parents and once they know about you guyz then they get to know that you are married then fine you have to listen to your husband because for a girl after her marriage her first priority is her husband ... buh since your parents doesnt know about this you must listen to your parents.. and about your husband make him understand and ask him to come to your house and speak 2 your parents

    May Allah guide us in the right path 🙂

    • Salaams,

      I agree with the poster above, you have to tell your parents you are married. I do have to ask, however: who was your wali for the marriage if it wasn't your father? Needless to say, if you didn't have a wali your marriage isn't even valid.

      I personally don't know why your husband is trying to restrict who comes to your home, assuming you still live with your parents. Your parents are the ones who have the final say of who comes and who doesn't. Also, not permitting you to get medicine that you might need is not a good sign. I have to think that if he's this controlling before you even live together, how much worse will it be when you finally share a home?

      If we want a technical answer to your question, your obedience is to your husband before anyone else. However, your husband doesn't come off as being a reasonable person, or someone who's looking out for your best interests. Being subservient to someone who is controlling like he is just makes the relationship one of oppression toward you, which is not what marriage was ever meant to be.

      Personally, I think you made several mistakes in marrying this man, and I think you might need to re-evaluate why you chose this course and if you truly want to continue it. I think involving your parents in your life as it stands now can help you sort things out more objectively than you may be able to on your own, so please talk to them about your situation as soon as possible.

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. ASSALAMALAIKUM-
    and my parents are not aware about my nikah.
    YOU ARE WRITING AS IF YOU ARE GOING FOR SOME FUNCTION AND DIDNT TELL YR PARENTS-

    1ST IS NOT HIDING IT NOT VALID NIKAH WHEN YOU DIDNT TAKE YOUR WALIS CONSENT TO MARRY WHEN HE[FATHER]IS ALIVE AND YOU MARRY WITHOUT HIS PERMISSION WHERE IS THE LEGALITY OF YOUR MARRIAGE-

    YOUR MARRIAGE CANNOT BE ACCEPTED BY ALLAH BECAUSE YOU DEFIED THE ISLAMIC LAW AND MARRIED WITH YOUR OWN WISH KEEPING THE WALI ALIVE AND LIVING A MARRIED LIFE THAT ALSO YOUR OWN PARENTS WHO GAVE BIRTH TO YOU YOU HAVE CHEATED THEM IN YOUR WHIMS AND FANCIES BY TAKING THE STEP OF LIFE-

    HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND FROM THIS EXPLANATION http://creatorstruth.ning.com/video/can-women-marry-without-thier

  3. I agree with the posts above... The longer you hide your marriage from your parents the more hurt they will feel.. Look if your wise enough to
    Get married .. You
    Must be wise enough to
    Understand the status of parents in
    Islam &
    Our responsibilities towards them.. The sooner you get your parents blessings inshallah your marriage will be blessed & ther will be only be gain inshallah.. be prepared though for any temporary negative reaction from parents which I believe is quite normal since you've taken a huge big step alone.. Good luck & hope all goes well for you .. better you tell them then they hear from outsiders.. .. wsalam

    • I've asked you before to please not write "deleted" in the URL field of your comments. Just leave it blank. I have to manually go through and remove it every time you do that. If you keep it up I will blacklist your comments. Thank you for your cooperation.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. ASSALAMALAIKUM-

    The sooner you get your parents blessings inshallah your marriage will be blessed &
    THIS HAPPENS IN THE HINDUS FAMILIES WHEN THE GIRL GOES GETS MARRIED AND THEN COMES LATER FOR ASHIRWAD TO THE PARENTS.

    MARRIAGE WILL BE BLESSED YOU ARE MAKING YOUR OWN DECISION YOU ARE NOT ADVISING AND CONCENTRATING ON THE 1ST RULE WHICH IS COMPULSORY-THE CONSENT OR HE MUST APPOINT ANOTHER PERSON WITH HIS IWN FREE WILL-AND THAT MAKES LEGAL PERMISSION OF THE WALI WITHOUT WHICH THE MARRIAGE CANNOT HAPPEN AS PER ISLAMIC NIKAH-

    JUST GO AND GET MARRIED[PARENTS DONT] WHERE HAVE YOU HEARD IN MUSLIMS FAMILIES ??? ??????????

    THIS HAPPENS IN THE HINDUS FAMILIES WHEN THE GIRL GOES GETS MARRIED AND THEN COMES LATER FOR ASHIRWAD TO THE PARENTS.

    BUT NOT IN ISLAM-

    1ST OF ALL HER MARRIAGE IS INVALID FOR THE REASON SHE DIDNT GIVE THE RESPECT AS A WALI TO HER FATHER AND THEN GET MARRIED -WHEN A CHILD HAS NO VLAUE FOR THE WALI APPOINTED BY ALLAH ANSHARIAH AND GOES AHEAD AND MARRIES BEHIND THE BACK
    THE MARRIAGE IS INVALID
    SHE MARRIED WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT AND NOW IT IS WRONG TO ASSUME OUR OWN SELF MADE SATISFIED STATEMENTS AND AS IF WE ARE AUTHORIZED TO DO SO AND WRITE HERE ON A PUBLIC FORUM BECAUSE OF THAT MANY MNAY PEOPLE WILL ALSO DO THE SAME WITH THEIR FAMILIES [GIRLS/BOYS ]WILL GET MARRIED AND MAKE TREND LIKE THESE be prepared though for any temporary negative reaction from parents which I believe is quite normal since you've taken a huge big step alone.. Good luck & hope all goes well for you .. better you tell them then they hear from outsiders.. .. wsalam

  5. I am wondering, if people can marry whoever they like then why r u keeping it a secret from ur parents? I am sorry if I made a mistake, I only reverted 6 months ago. Jaza Allah khayr

  6. But my husband sayd that "I will not ever permit you to tell your parents about it. " he want to tell about our nikah himslef and his father. i know i have done a big sin. and also deceived my parents so that is my fault. that i am now having a many many huge prblms in my life. my parents dont wanted and want to get me married with him. and they are also so high tempered. i am also afraid that they might kill me. i want to beg tauba from ALlah.and so i am begging, pls kindly give me suggestion. how i tell my parents myself about my nikah?or shall i tell it myself or let my husband tell them?

  7. and also i have a question that am i not married now?
    can i marry to some one else?
    i mean if my marriage is not invalid, then am i not married now?
    is he not my husband?
    i am a lil confused

    • Salaams,

      I personally feel it is not his responsibility to tell your parents. It is yours, and you should be the one to do it. However, if you truly fear for your life then that must be taken into consideration. I would never suggest doing something that might endanger you, but you know best whether this is a viable threat or just words they are trying to frighten you with.

      I think the root issue here is whether or not you were EVER married. If you had a nikkah without a wali, then the marriage was never valid. Who represented your interests when you got married? If you spoke on your own behalf (and you are not divorced or of a matronly age) then this is an improper marriage. The nikkah would not be valid and never counted, so there would be no need for a divorce as he was NEVER your husband.

      Your father would've been your wali if everything had gone according to sunnah. Some women have to find someone else other than a father to be their wali because of sensitive issues (the father is not Muslim, or is unreasonable and abusive, deceased, far away, an addict, etc), and I don't know if any of those aspects may or may not have applied to you. I think it's questionable having another man stand in as your wali regarding the validity of the marriage. I honestly just don't know that much about the technical aspects of that to answer more. But I can say for sure if you had no wali at all, you were never married- you were committing zina unwittingly (or perhaps knowingly).

      -Amy
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  8. but i have consulted a scholar. He said me that it is no problem.it would be fair if had married in presence of my wali. but this nikaah is valid. you are now his wife. and you both can in fact touch one another. it was a sin but it doesnt mean that we are not married. and call our relation as zina.?? i was confused and also scared to Allah. i am also ashamed to deceive my parents. but i have not ever thought of doing zina. i also did istikhara. and it was cleared to me that i am married . this nikah is valid. and now as you are saying, i am so much tensed.

    • Salamualaikum,

      It is for sure that if you did not have a Wali, your Nikah was invalid. Is the scholar saying what he is, because you actually had a Wali? I mean, did anyone act as your Wali? If the answer is no, then it is clear that your Nikah was invalid. The scholar has no right to give a Fatwa against a Hadith of Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam.

      We go with the OPINION of a scholar or an Imam, when the Quran and Sunnah are silent about an issue. But here, we have a clear proof from the Imam of all the Imams: Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam.

      Here it is:

      It was narrated that Abu Moosa said:
      The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "There is no marriage without a guardian." (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1101; Abu
      Dawood, 2085; Ibn Maajah, 1881.
      Classed as saheeh by Shaykh al-
      Albaani (may Allaah have mercy on
      him) in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi, 1/318)

      It was narrated that "Aaýishah (may
      Allaah be pleased with her) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and
      blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: Any woman who gets married without the permission of her guardian, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid. But if the marriage is consummated then the mahr is hers because she has allowed him to be intimate with her. If they dispute, then the ruler is the guardian of the one who has no guardian." (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1102; Abu Dawood, 2083; Ibn Maajah, 1879. Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Irwaý al-Ghaleel, 1840)

      Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "There is no valid marriage without a wali and two witnesses."(Narrated by Ahmad and the authors of Sunan except al-Nasaa'i. See Saheeh al-Jaami', 7558).

      Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: If there is no relative who can act as her guardian, then the position of guardian passes to the one who is most fit among those who have any kind of authority in matters other than marriage, such as the head of a village, the leader of a caravan, and so on. Al-Ikhtiyaaraat, p. 350.

      (end quote from islamqa)

      But in your case, your Wali was available. So, its clear.

      Muhammad Waseem
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  9. assalamalaikum
    but i have consulted a scholar.
    WHICH SCHOLAR THE DIVIDED SECTS FOLLOWER OR ONE WHO IS ON QURAN AND HADEES
    WHOM DO YOU CALL A SCHOLAR?THEY ARE THE MAIN CULPRITS THEY PLAY WITH ISLAM WITH THEIR WHIMS AND FANCIES ASK HIM TO GIVE HADEES PROOF THAT YOUR NIKAH IS VALID NOT AND NEVER WILL BE ACCEPTED IF ANY REFERENCE OF MADHABS AND THEIR OPINIONS IS GIVEN-
    THEN YOU CAN BE SATISFIED THAT YOU ARE SAFE-
    BECAUSE THESE 4 MADHABS AND TAQLEED IS BASED WITHOUT EVIDENCE AND FOR THAT ONLY ISLAM HAS BECOME LAUGHING STOCK IN THE WORLD NOT IN ARABIS BUT SOUTH ASIAN COUNTRIES WHO ARE SELF SATISFIED WITH THE FOWL BRAIN FATWAS WITH NO EVIDENCE FROM QURAN AND HADEES. PL ENQUIRE AND REPLY THE BACK GROUND OF THE SCHOLAR-

    • This brother is right.

      The prophet pbuh said there is no marriage without a wali. If you are a muslim and your father is a muslim then he is your wali by right then your marriage is not acceptable. You are not married islamically.

      You father has to give you away. That is one of the conditions of nikkah. Not some random imam who you give $10 dollars to and he pretends to be your wali.

      So your cousin has no rights on you. He can't tell you anything. Until there is a valid nikkah done with the consent of your father.

      The whole concept of a wali is to protect the woman. A man does not need a wali to marry.

      waslaam

    • but brother please don't write in capital. It hurts my eyes 🙂

  10. Sister,

    I don't know wether your marriage is valid or not. But look at the type of person your husband is. He is controlling and it seems his not very religous as he may have encouraged you to get married without wali and he asked you to marry him seceretly. A good muslim man will never ask you to do something against islam or your parents. He has now put you in a very bad situation. You are still living with your parents as a single woman. I suppose your parents are paying for you. You are having to deal with the dilema of living a secerate life. Just what exactly is he doing for you as a husband. Nothing. Just using u to fullfill hiis desires.

    I think what you should do now is come out in the open and tell your parents about everything and apololigise to them for going behind their back. Let hem find out wether your marriage is valid or not and then you yoyr husband and both sets of parents need to sit and discuss what happens next. Do not let a man plan your life for you! You need to think what is islamically right and what you want out of your husband.

  11. you shold not brake anyones hert. so better to listen to mother 1 time and then listen to hasband 1 time.

    both are happy.

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