My mother has screwed up my marriage, help.
Please advise, my marriage was arranged. I am married for the last 6 years. I have been living a happy married life because my wife loves me, takes good care of me, kids and home.
My mother started creating issues since the birth of first baby and gave a real hard time to wife in my absense. I came to know about many cases after a long time as wife did not want to raise issues. My mother has a history of unrest with my father, with wife of her brother since my childhood. I got the opportunity to work outside the country so I have been lucky with not much troubles.
From time to time my mother had been insulting wife's parents, that she is not beautiful, does not do anything etc.
Few weeks back, when I went to Karachi, my mother created a big situation by saying bad words to wife and her whole family. This was the limit for her but still she kept quiet. Next day she exploded and said everything that she suffered for last 6 years.
None of them wants to see each other. Wife says she will live alone with Kids and does not need anything from me.
What should I do to keep this marriage alive I do not want to lose her. I don't want parents to be ignored as well. But I have lost trust on mother, she has screwed up my married life. My Father is wise man and completely supports us. (me and my wife)
Please advise.
yasar2002
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Dear Brother
I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles, but you must know that generally daughter-in-laws and mother-in-laws do not get on!!! And your sadly stuck in the middle.
I don't think theres two ways about your situation. You have your fathers support, you know its your mothers who is at fault, you also want to stay married to your wife and keep your kids- so really you only have one option- take your wife with you whereever it is that you work.
Its your married life and you need to be there for your kids and wife- maybe the distance between your mother and wife may make them tolerate each other.
If you cannot take them away with you then shift them to another house- your wife should not be living with your mother- you guys should have your own home and work on your relationship.
In terms of your mother- well whatever she is like you must respect her, but at the same time be firm and let her know that you intend to maintain your marriage, that you are happy with your wife and that you do not wish to have an estranged relationship with her (you mother) and its best if you moved to another house.
Talk to her and explain to her that you are not happy with the way she is behaving and that its breaking up the family- get someone older and wiser to speak to her- I think your mother has issues (perhaps from childhood) and you must'nt let her issues get in the way of you marriage.
Pray for her and your self- Allah will make it easy for you.
Good luck.
As salamu alaykum Yasar,
I agree with Hafsa. What I can add is the following.
Once you talk to your mother, you will open the box of winds, please do it in the most loving way you can, she is a jealous woman, think about it when you talk to her. Reassure you love her, be straight and firm in the most loving and respectful way you can, she has to stop loosing respect to your wife, she is your wife and the mother of your children. Be loving to her, she is a human being with a Heart, someway she is in pain too. Put everything in the right place, she needs to let you go as a man, she will always have you as son, Alhamdulillah. Tell her how much you love her, don´t attack, don´t throw anything in her face, don´t tell her she is guilty, even when she is, treat her kindly knowing she is not perfect, your Love can help to heal her wounds, but she needs to make changes as well, only Allah(swt) has the power to heal or change people´s Hearts.
You are blessed with your wife, God bless her soft Heart, think about her and your children, they deserve you stand for them in the most loving way, all of them will learn from your behaviour and attitude toward the situation, this will stay grabbed in their Hearts, they are your own family it is your duty to be for them in this tough moments. The ghost of separation in a family breaks the Hearts of all the members, please ask Allah(swt ) for help and guidance.
Talk to your wife, tell her what you have in your Heart, she needs to listen to you, to have your support, she needs you more than ever, listen to her quietly, love her and reassure to your children you are there for them. You are a family, the love between all of you is unique, a blessing, Alhamdulillah.
Thank you for sharing with us.
May Allah(swt) guide your thoughts, words and acts in the Light, Love, Respect and Forgiveness. Ameen.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Yasar, its very admirable that you care for both your mother and your wife. Its very easy and common for people to lean on one side or another. Alhamdulliah, you are trying to keep balance. Being this level headed is a blessing in itself.