My mother wants me to divorce my wife
Hi, assalamalaikum,
I was married 3 yrs ago, my wife always asked me to give her divorce but I never did this. But at one instance I said to her "I divorce you" in anger then at the same time I said sorry for those words. Now we want to live together as she too wants to be with me. Now my mom is asking me to give her talaq for the sake of god.
I don't know what to do - should we obey our parents at this point as Allah said to be obedient to your parent, or should I ignore my parents and live with my wife separately?
If I did so, who will be the sinner - me or my mother who is forcing me to give talaq to that girl,please help me?
rahabsam37
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assalamalikum-
ITS STARIGHT POINT YOU WILL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE TALAQ CONSEQUENCES
BECASUE YOUR MOTHER HAS NO RIGHT TO SAY IN THIS MATTER OF YOUR LIFE ITS NOT HERS REMEMBER-
Book 12, Number 2170:
Narrated AbuHurayrah:
The Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) said: Anyone who incites a woman against her husband or a slave against his master is not one of us.
AND TALAQ IS NOT THE DOLLS PLAY-WHEN EVER ANYONE WANTS HE CAN GIVE TALAQ AND THE GIRL IS NOT SHEEP OR PET TO DISCARD HER WHEN EVER YOU WANT-
IF YOUR WIFE HAD ASKED TALAQ FROM YOUU EARLIER IT MIGHT BE THAT SATAN TRIED TO BREAK YOUR JODI-BUT NOW SATAN IS USING YOUR MOTHER AS A TOOL AND INSTIGATING YOU-
SO SAVE YOUR SELF FROM THIS BLUNDER AND SAVE YOUR FUTURE AS THERE IS NOT RULE IN ISLAM THAT DAUGHTER IN LAW HAS TO STAY WITH MOHER IN LAW TO SERVE HER OR YOUR FATHER
SHE IS MADE FOR YOU LIVING SEPERATELY IS YOU BOTHS RIGHT AND YOU CAN IMMIDIATELY TAKE THE STEP TO MOVE OUT OR ELSE YOUR MOTHERS INFLUNECE YOU HAVE SHOWN IN YOUR WORDS[ If I did so, who will be the sinner - me or my mother who is forcing me to give talaq to that girl,please help me?] THE MORE YOU STAY WITH HER THE MORE YOU WILL BE BENT UPON LISTENING TO HER AND LAND UP IN THE MOST HATED MOVE IN HALAL THINGS BY ALLAH-
AND COMING TO should we obey our parents at this point as Allah said to be obedient to your parent,THE PARENTS ODEBEDIENCE IS ONLY TILL THEIR RIGHT AND DOING OPPRESSION ON YOUR WIFE ON HER INSTANCE IS NOT VALID AND SHE IS ON THE WRONG BY INTERFERING IN A COUPLE PEACEFUL LIFE AND YOU WILL BECOME THE SCAPE GOAT-
Although a man and a woman differ largely on their point of views, there are of course, ways to make their relationships happy and fulfilling, and this shows in happy marriages and marriages that work, of course.
have the habit not to insult or curse your partner
Communicate. It is always first in the list when it comes to knowing the keys to a happy marriage
Face the reality
Trust is a major foundation in marriage.
Be careful with your words. Harsh words can be too powerful to destroy a marriage
HAVE GOOD SEX WITH HER SATISFY EACHOTHER AND CARE NOT FOR THOSE WHO ARE OUT SIDE THE ROOM YOU WILL COME CLOSER-CLOSER CLOSER
Spend time with your partner.[OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE WHERE THERE IS NO ONE INFLUENCE YOU]
Spend time with your partner.
These are just some of the keys to a happy marriage. If you learn to understand your spouse in every way, indeed you will find true happiness in marriage.
REMINDING AGAIN YOUR MOTHER HAS NO RIGHT TO INTERFER IN YOU TWO'S LIFE AND OBEDIENCE IN A MATTER IN WHICH SHE HAS NO RIGHT[UNLESS YOUR WIFE HAD DONE SOME HENIOUS DEED LIKE ADULTERY OR SOME SOME GRAVE SIN]THEN THE COMPASSION OF A MOTHER USUALLY MAKES HER TO GUIDE YOU RIGHT]
NOT IN THIS MATTER AT ALL PLEASE REMEMBER -
Book 12, Number 2173:
Narrated Abdullah ibn Umar:
The Prophet (peace_be_upon_him) said: Of all the lawful acts the most detestable to Allah is divorce.
REGARDS
You must make your mother realize that it's actually a huge sin to encourage someone, against their will, to divorce.
Oh, and it's also not up to your parents to decide whether or not you want to remain married. You're not children anymore, you're not really in the custody of your parents, you're entitled to make choices for yourself. Islamically speaking, parents do not have the right to rule their chidlren's marriage, or interfere in it when they have not been asked for guidance and advice.
salaam,
u havnt mentioned y ur mother wants u to divorce from ur wife. Although divorce is very much halal ur mum should know that despite of its halal status its very much disliked by Allah s.w.t She cannot just order u to divorce ur wife b'coz SHE doesnt like her for something. Satan LOVES to destroy marriages, tell her that it is his job and as a muslim that very thought should make her detest her idea of seperating the 2 of u.
it would b nice if u could also warn ur wife about playing with the idea of divorce the way she does. her habit of toying with the word when arguing with u has already shown her some severe reactions. sort out ur issues with as little interference from outside sources. Also now that u already know how unreasonable ur mother can get plz do not discuss or share any disagreements that u have with ur wife with her in future.
My advice is NO. you will not b held accountable in the court of Allah for disobeying her on this matter. now since u already know y, it would b nice if u could find a way to pacify ur mother's anger for ur wife. B loving and gentle towards both coz Both these women have their respective rights over you.
its hard isnt it brother? but whaat has been easy for a muslim on planet Earth?
my prayers r with u.
Salaams,
What benefit will your mother gain from you divorcing your wife? It's not her marriage, and you are not her husband. To say she is requesting this "for the sake of Allah" sounds strange to me, because Allah is not for marriages dissolving on a whim.
As a mother to three sons myself, I can't imagine asking any of them to divorce their future wives for my sake or God's sake or anyone else's. If I noticed that my sons seemed unhappy, or were being mistreated, I would urge them to resolve it in any way they can before considering divorce...and even then it would have to be their desire to part ways- not mine. If there are very serious issues in the marriage, it's better for the couple to separate and remain married and try to reach a resolution (if one is available) than to give up quickly. Divorce truly should be the last resort option.
I recently read a story where a mother's dissatisfaction with her son prevented him from being able to say shahadah on his deathbed. Although one point of the story was that children should not provoke their mother's to anger so as to avoid being barred from acts of iman, the other point of the story was that it's not fair to a mother to withhold forgiveness and block the way to jannah from her children. In this particular story, the Prophet SAWS himself went to the mother and asked her personally to forgive her son for whatever angered her so he could say shahadah as he died and earn Allah's favor. I got the impression that, had she refused, she would've been just as accountable for her lack of mercy as he would've for whatever he did to offend her.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
After reading your post, i realized that something is missing. i find that you are either not telling the truth or hiding the "fact" from we the audience.
A mother cannot just tell her son to divorce his wife with out a cause. For we to understand your story, ps. gave reasoning.
all the best
Salaam
That's true what you said there s.m like who knows why your mum would really be saying that out of the blue when everything seems to be fine now wouldn't your mum want to see your happy if your ok with the marriage right now there definetly must be a reason behind it.
Have you even thought to ask the reason behind it or is she having troubles keeping relationship with her like do they get along or not.
Actually there are mothers who ask their sons to divorce with no valid reason and some of those sons do it.
Even with a valid reason, a mother can't require her son to divorce her daughter-in-law.
that's true but whatever it is either a reason or not I hope his mum realises what shes doing is wrong it aint right to interfere like this no matter what its up to them.
I wish you all the best rahabsam37 in shaa allah ur mother changes her mind with what she has asked for you to do and that you and your wife will have a happy married life with out any interferences ameen
Brother,
With all due respect to your mother...I ask you, "what is it that YOU want to do?" If you still love your wife and want to make things work...do you not think in the eyes of Allah that is best? Allah hu alem.
Save your marriage.
Salam
I suggest you go to the website i have shared, and read it i think there is information in this that can help you, with pros and cons. i did post here before but comment was deleted. but I feel you should read that website. please visit the link provided with this comment.
Also I suggest that you try to talk to your mother and ask her the reason for divorce. Is your wife harmful to you and your mother feels that way. or is your mother just not feel secure that you have someone else to value as well as your mother.
May ALLAH guide you to the right path.
ANNA http://spa.qibla.com/issue_view.asp?HD=12&ID=4086&CATE=212
Whatever, a Mother has no RIGHT To tell his son or daughter to divorce or to guide him how to be with her wife or bla bla.. Once u r married! parent shoud be off to your private life! Only familly respect and keep their blessing thats all and take care of parents. but NO order from parent to adjust into your couple relationship where most of the times it kinda sound bothering.
Your wife and mother shouldn't make the decisions for divorce - that is the responsibility of the husband (head of the household) as men are the protectors and maintainers of women.
It sounds like there are boundaries being crossed by your mother and your wife--are you all living in one house? If so, consider living separately, or having separate parts in the house for your family because when boundaries are crossed and people are making decisions for others, many ill-feelings are created.
A girl requires a wali to get married, but even then, the father cannot make the decision of divorce for his daughter. For a man, he never needs a wali, why would his mother, whose consent is not a requirement for marriage, make a decision for divorce for her son (or daughter for that matter)?
I have a relative who divorced his wife because his mother told him he had to otherwise they would disown him and take him out of their will (reasons for divorce were she wouldn't do the house chores properly or answered back ie. voiced opinion to the mother-in-law). Years later, he still lives with his parents, but with his 2nd wife. His 2nd wife says that he only really loved his first wife and that he would often remember her--the first wife was remarried and ended up with a physically abusive husband. Both of them suffered, are still suffering and never could get over one another. Just because you divorce your wife and marry again, doesn't mean your mother will not demand you divorce the 2nd wife as well.
If the both of you are happy with one another, set your boundaries and may Allah grant you a blissful marriage. Ameen.
OMG
Saba.. Ameen to that statement... it was well said.
my ex mother-il law try that tooo she succeeded but her son ended up with with some someone not from our religion, race nor culture. Now they living the party life and me i am well put together.
it does not always work.
my dear brother
first tell us the reason why is your mother forcing you to give your wife talaq??
what is the reason ??
Does the reason really matter? Does the mother have authority to tell her son to divorce his wife? A son (a man) has to know how to balance all the delicate relations of mother and wife. That is HIS job--and obviously the mother feels she is justified--because otherwise she wouldn't ask--so you will get "justification" and "reasons" but that doesn't mean they are right. The question is does he have valid reasons to divorce her and are the both of them so unhappy that they want to be divorced? He himsself said they had arguments, but now they want to stay together, so no one should interfere in that matter because their relationship is private.
In Islam, parents have the utmost respect given to them. We cannot even say "uff" to them, but no where does it say that parents are always 100% correct. Respecting your parents =/= following their unjust/incorrect demands. If this was the case, then Hazrat Ibrahim AS would have had to follow his father and as you know, his father was an idol-worshipper. Hazrat Ibrahim AS always guided his father, but he never disrespected him. We should try to understand the difference.
brother whatever the reason is islam does not give this right to any parent.
@ALL - if you do not know about something please do not advice. First learn properly. Do not share your thoughts / opinions with out having knowledge about it.
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Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) was asked about the ruling on a man divorcing his wife if his father tells him to do that. He said:
If the father tells his son to divorce his wife, one of the following two scenarios must apply:
1 – Where the father gives a legitimate reason why he should divorce her and separate from her, such as saying, Divorce your wife because her behaviour is suspicious, such as she flirts with men or goes out to gatherings that are not decent and so on. In this case the son should agree and divorce her, because he is not telling her to divorce her on the basis of a whim, rather that is to protect his son’s honour from being besmirched, so he should divorce her.
2 – Where the father tells his son to divorce his wife because the son loves her, but the father feels jealous of his son’s love for her and the mother is more jealous, because many mothers, when they see that their son loves his wife, feel very jealous, as if the son’s wife is a co-wife and rival. We ask Allaah to keep us safe and sound. In this case the son does not have to divorce his wife if his father or mother tells her to divorce her. Rather he should be tactful with them and keep his wife, and he should try to convince them with kind words until they are persuaded that she should stay with him, especially if the wife is religiously committed and has a good attitude.
Imam Ahmad (may Allaah have mercy on him) was asked about this very issue. A man came and said: “My father is telling me to divorce my wife.” Imam Ahmad said to him: “Do not divorce her.” He said: “Didn’t the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) tell Ibn ‘Umar to divorce his wife when ‘Umar told him to do that?” He said: “Is your father like ‘Umar?”
If the father quotes evidence to his son and says, “O my son, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Umar to divorce his wife when his father ‘Umar told him to do that,” the response to that is: “Are you like ‘Umar?” But you should speak kindly and gently, and say that ‘Umar saw something which indicated that it was in his son’s interests to divorce his wife. This is the answer to this question which comes up frequently.
Al-Fataawa al-Jaami’ah li’l-Mar’ah al-Muslimah, 2/671.
The Standing Committee for Issuing Fatwas was asked about a mother telling her son to divorce his wife for no reason or fault in her religious commitment, rather it was because of the mother’s personal reasons. They replied as follows:
If the situation is as described, that his wife is righteous and he loves her, and she is dear to him, and she does not behave badly towards his mother, and his mother only dislikes her for personal reasons, then he should keep his wife and stay married to her. He does not have to divorce her in obedience to his mother, because it was proven that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Obedience is only with regard to that which is right and proper.” Based on this, he should honour his mother and uphold ties of kinship with her by visiting her and spending on her, and paying attention to her needs and making her happy and pleasing her in whatever ways he can, apart from divorcing his wife.
Fataawa al-Lajnah al-Daa’imah, 2/29.
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May Allah grant us success! May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet, his family and Companions!
@rahabsam37 - walaikumassalam warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu.
to be honest this is a womme's nature that makes you do something and then again makes you feal regret for that, IF ALL mothers treat their bride as their doughter so here will be no Divorce in the world, this mother and sisters makes you marry a girl and after a while the dont want to even see the face of that newly comer to the home. so be patient and dont do any thing wrong, as we Masha Alla are Muslims and wont bear and able to let our women leave us and get someone else, so be with your wife and try to bring ballance and convice your mom.
Saying I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you (thrice) counts as one. If you do this 3 times in a state of calm shes divorced. One time is nothing. But you should watch yr mouth in the future. Its not a joke. Try to make it work. Make yr mum understand. Mothers always understand, you just need to know the right way.
Good luck
I am studying islam to convert because this is the best relegion of all but unfortunately the people who are .following it are leaving the the true path especially muslim mothers .my muslim friend was mistreated by her exhusband and his mother he always said it is her right than he divorced my friend now she is seeing a muslim guy when his mother came to know that my friend is divorced she started motionally blackmailing her son she mistreated my friend too by telling her that if my does not marry you there is no problem because you have been insulted even bigger than this you are a divorcee,according to my understanding Prophet Mohammad married Hazrat Khadija she was a divorcee,are these sons greater than the prophet .Why muslim mothers do all this when it is agaist islam ,because they think this girl is impure.We should fight against this attitude it is not allowed in islam parents cannot force or stop their children from getting married to someone they like.i am confused all this looks like same as hinduism.
Assalamoalakum I think it is not an issue of just muslim mothers it is however just some mothers lack of security. If some muslim mothers or fathers are committing acts like that , they surely do not represent Islam but their cultural weakness.
Marrying a divorce/widowed woman in Islam is great Sawab/Reward.
May Allah Swt guide us all.
Assalamoalakum
This has just happened to me. After weeks of shouting, fighting, (25 brothers and sisters and the mother) screaming, crying, depriving my husband of sleep, distressing his kids, making him ill, raising his blood pressure, pushing him and forcing him to promise to divorce me, he did so. Strong armed by his older brothers who took him to the court. They never even met me! My husband and I were perfect together, we both said and still say, that we knew no happiness until we met and married. But he cannot fight 25 brothers and sisters, their husbands and wives and their grown up children. He cannot lose his children. As wrong as it is, there are people who do this - they don't need to have a good reason. I am left devastated, like somebody died. Our slippers and toothbrushes still sit together, his clothes hang next to mine in the wardrobe, is fragrance next to mine on the shelf. It happens!
So sorry to hear your story. But I still think its the son's responsibilty to stand up to the parents. If parents are right then we should obey them but if they are wrong we can disobey them. We as the younger generation need to break these traditional discriminations and myths. We need to stand up to the injustices! Doesn't matter if its 1 person or a thousand people.
Your husband was wrong to divorce you out of pressure, he should have fought for you and against injustice. He should have gone away from them if they don't exept you instead of giving in.
If men are so weak to stand up against their family then they should follow their parents like a robot. The have no right to look for a bride and destroy her life! They should wait for the bride their parents choose.
I hope Allah brings you peace and gives you a strong and loving husband soon Inshallah. Xxx
I understand what you say, and when the family is smaller it is easier to fight. My husband's family is very very large, and they all stand against him. They made him very ill. He now has high blood pressure, high cholesterol, has become diabetic and I believe had some sort of breakdown. (I really want people to understand how this can happen and try to be more compassionate and supportive) However, my husband DID return to the court because he said he could not live without me. And I cannot live without him. The court actually refused to reverse the divorce, instead they required a hearing because they wanted to hear the case and then decided that the divorce was illegal and so erased it. We are far from a peaceful situation but what is clear, is that we SHOULD stay married and we must be patient and ask for the help of Allah.
May Allah Swt have mercy on you sister.
Our cultures are absolutely playing a role in destroying families. Hearing your story led my heart to bleed and boil.
Plz always recite "Inna Lillah ay wa inna ilay ay rajioon.
May you find happiness soon insha ALLAH Swt.
Masalama
Thank you for your kind response, it means a lot.
I think its important for people to understand that there is a big difference between culture and religion... and then of course there is just human behaviour. We returned to the court and the after a hearing, the divorce was erased. Our situation is very difficult and it will take a long time to reach a place of calm. but we have a beautiful relationship and we feel truly, truly blessed. All we can do now is pray that our situation improves and we can be permitted to accept the gift we have been given. If you knew our stories, you would know that our relationship could only have been a blessing... we wish for the day that we can openly celebrate this and show how such wonderment is possible through complete trust in Allah. I can honestly tell you that our relationship is perfect despite our very difficult situation, and I hope this encourages other people who have been blessed with something real but face difficult circumstances. It is also really helpful to know that there are people out there that understand what we're going through and open their hearts to us. Thank you again.
I hve a question need soe advise as soon as possible pls anyone
As-salamu alaykum sister susu. I'm sorry but you will have to register and submit your question as a separate post, and we will answer you in turn, Insha'Allah. If I was to give you a short answer right now, it would be that your husband should tell his mother quite simply that he will not divorce you, and that his decision is final. Insha'Allah his mother will accept that and leave the matter alone. This is a decision that your husband has to make. Ask Allah to give him the strength to make the right choice.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
My husband tried this and told her no and refused to do it and now shes stopped spkin to him and is makin herself ill to make him to do it and also refusin his kinship and support by him with her
She might try this kind of emotional blackmail for a while, but when she sees that it's not working, she will stop. It will not continue forever.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear brother u said it one time then its one talaq sorry is not an option but if u rajo ur wife in bed its ok she again ur wife bt if u said trice then its done. But if u said one then its one talaq nd if u said again after even 1000000 years again then it vl b two so becarefull vd these words.
Divorce is serous issue either in anger r in joke it is divorce
Aslam o alekum !
I had a court marriage and then we declare a nikkah in our families, now our parents are forcing us to divorce just the difference of casting system. My wife is still living with her parents.
what shall i do?
Qasim, there is no caste system in Islam. I suggest you keep your wife and get a home for the two of you.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I really think some family councelling is appropriate at this point. You married your wife, you made a promise to her, her family and to God, and you cannot just ruthlessly throw her away. If there is something your wife can do to make your mother feel more comfortable, work with her on this issue. Emphasize that both her and your parents are important to yoi, and even if your parents are wrong. out of love for you, ask her to try to get along . Have the same conversation with your mother. If your mother will not budge from her position you must live seperately. If your wife will not budge, marital councelling is esential. Regardless of your faith, the right to divorce is not something which should be abused.