My mother taunts me, curses me and tells me to die
Question:
AssalamuAlaikum,
Dear Wael,
Can you please set me up with one of your counselors, I need help.
I'm 21 years old, we are 7 brothers and sisters, I’ve faced emotional abuse for my whole life, my mother wanted to have a son first and I was born. I’m the oldest; she hates me since that day. She taunts m, curses me and keeps telling me to die, she keeps saying that I should have died at birth as it would have been good for all of us, and that I’m the worst thing that ever happened to her, she says I will never have a normal life and I will live painfully for who I am.
Due to all this abuse and lack of love and support in my family I started looking for care elsewhere. I started a relationship with a boy thinking that his love was all I needed, but he just used me for sex and I broke up with him because I felt like a whore, my life has been falling apart ever since. I cannot live a normal healthy life due to all the thoughts planted by my mother, I want love and care and the more I look for it the more disappointment I get. I have never drank, or done drugs but I’ve committed zina with that boy thinking it will get me love and peace, I’m mentally disturbed and I need professional help.
My mother wants to marry me without my consent because she thinks that’s a good way of getting rid of me, she doesn’t let me talk to anyone, not friends or anyone and ‘ let me go out of the house. She doesn’t want me to study because she thinks that will make me rebellious. Because of this dead end life I've started inflicting physical pain on myself, the sight of blood soothes me, and I’ve even started smoking. Even if i try my hardest I can’t think of a single good attribute in me, or any purpose of my existence except pain and misery. I am guilty I want forgiveness, but will ALLAH forgive me?
I was born by my mother and how can she not love me?
I see around me so many mothers who love their kids to distraction I feel like I’m physically handicapped, I’m mentally negative all the time which hampers anything constructive or positive I try to do, my mother keeps telling me this too, she keeps telling me to die and I say ameen because everyone life would be much easier if I weren't here. I need help I need guidance, I want to be happy and satisfied with who I am.
I keep thinking about my past, I can’t get over it.
In my society it’s very common to treat daughters the way I’m being treated, emotional and physical abuse are considered as the right way to keep daughters in their limits. I don’t want to end up a car crash.
My life is falling apart, please help me, please,
I have tried talking to my mother and explaining her my thoughts, she won’t let me see a psychiatrist because she thinks that if someone came to know I’d be humiliation to my family and no one would marry me.
I love studying i want to be a lawyer but she won’t let me study, and I don’t have the financial means to support myself, My father was the only one person who cared for me and talked to me with love, but he lives in another country and I only get to see him a month every year.
How can i get better?
I need a miracle.
Please pray for me, please help me, I need support.
I have faced all my mistakes and weaknesses, I need to get over them now. I don’t want any more depression, I’m tired of hurting and crying, I see no way out!
I need to purify my heart.
Help me please!
Help me please.
- taniz
Leyla's Answer:
Salaam my sister,
I am sorry for this pain that you are experiencing and I want you to know that there is a solution to this, and there is a way out.
When a mother gives birth to her baby, normally they bond with each other. This bonding process is called "attachment". This is important for the child's survival and development, and also important for the mother to have this bond with her baby. Sometimes, due to psychological reasons with the mother - the attachment doesn't happen. This is called "attachment disorder" and it occurs when the mother rejects her baby. The disorder comes from the mother - the child, a newborn to the world, has no responsiblity over this whatsoever.
The relationship you have with your mother could be the effects of an attachment disorder. She never bonded with you as a baby, and this relationship has developed as a result of it. It is not because you are not a boy, or because you are x, y or z but because of this attachment disorder. The problem is with her and not you - so the first thing I would like for you to acknowledge is that you have no responsiblity over your mother's actions and words towards you. She needs help. She needed it when you were small and she needs it now, and the emotional abuse that is coming from is more evidence that she may be psychologically disordered in some way.
If you are in the UK, counselling is available for free through your GP. You must get it out of your head that you need your mother's permission to do this - you don't. This is about saving your life, your future and you rmentality and you do not need your mothers permission to see a counsellor. When we have been emotionally abused throughout childhood, we develop our own disorders as we internalise the critical voice of our abusers and become a silent abusive parent to ourselves, constantly telling ourselves that we no not deserve a good life. This mentality leads us to seek out and find situations which reinforce our feelings of worthlessness, and this is why destructive relationships with members of the opposite sex, dependencies (such as cigarettes and alcohol) and self harming start to arise. Solving this self-defeating thought process and pain is vital for you recovery and potential for a future ahead of you.
It is it not that your feelings of worthlessness are accurate that you have found yourself in these situations, but rather - because you feel in yourself that you are worthless, you are as a result of those feelings attracted to situations which reinforce that belief. You do not need to suffer at the hands of the past, it is clear that you are repentant and powerfully desiring a better future.
In sincere repentance, a strong desire to reverse the destruction and build yourself a good clean life, character and thought process is a very real possibility and a blessing from Allah, to have that will and that need to change - this is a big blessing indeed, mashaAllah. Please recognise that, and know that Allah is forgiving, Most Merciful.
The time has come to stop punishing yourself and start believing that you are worthy of love and life. You were created, and written and there can be many great things in your future. With strong faith in your heart, and determination - Sister, a happy life, full of love is possible. I want you to really believe that.
There are many solutions to questions of study, funding for study (google :"grants for study" and "scholarships"), marriage and everything else - all of these problems can besolved with a strong healthy mind and will and a belief and a realisation that you are not a prisoner in that home. The door is open, the world is out there - no one has any real power over you - no power to stop you or force you or any of those things. The power that is held over you is psychological and there is a way out, a way forward and a route to healing.
See your GP as soon as you can. Explain to them what you are experiencing, explain to them that you need help and inshaAllah they will put you in front of a counsellor straight away. In the meantime, if the GP is not able to get you a counsellor soon enough, I would recommend the Muslim Youth Helpline 0207 435 8171 who have telephone counsellors that you can speak to.
Peace,
Leyla
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
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Salaam my sister,
I am sorry for this pain that you are experiencing and I want you to know that there is a solution to this, and there is a way out.
When a mother gives birth to her baby, normally they bond with eachother. This bonding process is called "attachment". This is important for the child's survival and development, and also important for the mother to have this bond with her baby. Sometimes, due to psychological reasons with the mother - the attachment doesn't happen. This is called "attachment disorder" and it occurs when the mother rejects her baby. The disorder comes from the mother - the child, a newborn to the world, has no responsiblity over this whatsoever.
The relationship you have with your mother could be the effects of an attachment disorder. She never bonded with you as a baby, and this relationship has developed as a result of it. It is not because you are not a boy, or because you are x, y or z but because of this attachment disorder. The problem is with her and not you - so the first thing I would like for you to acknowledge is that you have no responsiblity over your mother's actions and words towards you. She needs help. She needed it when you were small and she needs it now, and the emotional abuse that is coming from is more evidence that she may be psychologically disordered in some way.
If you are in the UK, counselling is available for free through your GP. You must get it out of your head that you need your mother's permission to do this - you don't. This is about saving your life, your future and you rmentality and you do not need your mothers permission to see a counsellor. When we have been emotionally abused throughout childhood, we develop our own disorders as we internalise the critical voice of our abusers and become a silent abusive parent to ourselves, constantly telling ourselves that we no not deserve a good life. This mentality leads us to seek out and find situations which reinforce our feelings of worthlessness, and this is why destructive relationships with members of the opposite sex, dependencies (such as cigarettes and alcohol) and self harming start to arise. Solving this self-defeating thought process and pain is vital for you recovery and potential for a future ahead of you.
It is it not that your feelings of worthlessness are accurate that you have found yourself in these situations, but rather - because you feel in yourself that you are worthless, you are as a result of those feelings attracted to situations which reinforce that belief. You do not need to suffer at the hands of the past, it is clear that you are repentant and powerfully desiring a better future.
incere repentance, a strong desire to reverse the destruction and build yourself a good clean life, character and thought process is a very real possibility and a blessing from Allah, to have that will and that need to change - this is a big blessing indeed, mashaAllah. Please recognise that, and know that Allah is forgiving, Most Merciful.
The time has come to stop punishing yourself and start believing that you are worthy of love and life. You were created, and written and there can be many great things in your future. With strong faith in your heart, and determination - Sister, a happy life, full of love is possible. I want you to really believe that.
There are many solutions to questions of study, funding for study (google :"grants for study" and "scholarships"), marriage and everything else - all of these problems can besolved with a strong healthy mind and will and a belief and a realisation that you are not a prisoner in that home. The door is open, the world is out there - no one has any real power over you - no power to stop you or force you or any of those things. The power that is held over you is psychological and there is a way out, a way forward and a route to healing.
See your GP as soon as you can. Explain to them what you are experiencing, explain to them that you need help and inshaAllah they will put you in front of a counsellor straight away. In the meantime, if the GP is not able to get you a counsellor soon enough, I would recommend the Muslim Youth Helpline 0207 435 8171 who have telephone counsellors that you can speak to.
Peace,
L
Sis, May ALLAH guide your mother. May ALLAH make you beloved to him and his Prophet Muhammad S.A.W.. May Allah make you rmother love you more and eternally. .Ya ALLAH! put love and mercy into the mother's heart and soul of my repentant sister. Ameen.
My dearest sister, May Allah swt soothe your pain. Please know that there are sisters praying for you.
You are surely a worthy and strong, intelligent sister having not turned to alcohol and drugs and having got so far already. Believe in yourself, Allah swt has created you, not your mother. Your letter shows me you are articulate, astute and emotionally intelligent. Dont let those negative ideas of your mother enter your heart.
Everything not given to us in this life will be given in the next, if we stay close to the command of Allah swt. To be not only robbed of your mother's love but also to receive her abuse (which is due to an illness in HER heart NOT yours) - how great a thing you endure. giving up food and water just for daylight hours seems so insignificant compared to your suffering. and how great a thing is fasting.
Your mother is ill, bear her abuse and know, with every whipping word of her tongue, Allah swt is watching, and know, that this is her illness not yours.and know, that your life is NOT falling apart, but you are tired and need re-assurance and know, that that will come to you and you will regain strength in sha Allah.
Maybe your mother is jealous of you - maybe you seem to her everything that she could never be. There are some parents who are jealous of their children maybe she is jealous of you.
Maybe it would be good to get closer to your father. i dont know if your siblings have the same father as you but if so maybe they need to too.
Just believe! .....every night....when all is dark and you are in the warmth of the blanket... imagine....until you feel......we are in His hands...we are safe....if something comes to us in the day to come, it will be from Him (swt)....and though we may forget in the day, while the world around us draws us in...remember...we are being carried, and being watched, to see our reaction to all that He brings us. And if the day is hard just remember that In sha Allah when the evening comes and all is quiet you can return to the state again....where you can imagine...and then feel...and the difficult day that you experienced will feel as it is...gone. And after a while you will see our days as they really are - momentary.
Please know, your suffering will pass and please remember, with every ease, to be thankful to Allah swt and he will reward you greatly for your suffering in sha Allah.
Use your life wisely. My prayers and thoughts are with you my dear sister.
Thank you sister Sarah for this very compassionate and understanding response.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamualaikum, I am Preema. I am suffering a lot for my mother. My mother always keep torturing me whether by bitting or by cursing. Her curses are so scaring that I start to shiver with crying. No matter how many times I request her to stop these misbehaviors she never listen to me. And she says according to Islam, she will not be responsible for any of her behavior towards Allah, as she is a mother. So she tells me to tolerate everything silently. I just can't believe that Islam can be so cruel to the daughters. I don't know where she has heard this sort of hadith.
My father really loves me a lot and his behavior towards me is totally different from that of my mother. My father tried to convince her many times but she never listened to him.
And the most surprising thing is she is very popular in our neighborhood for her friendly behavior. Her cruel nature gets exposed only in front of me. And with my father, she is also very good.
I am a medical student basically. I don't know what is her problem with me. But she actually tortures me and this is affecting me so much because I cannot lead a peaceful life. I stay at home for some few hours as my schedule is very busy. But within this few hours she just makes me pathetic. Anything I do is wrong to her.
I really need help sisters. I have tried to convince her a lot of times. She has never understood and the situation remains same. And the sufferer remains only me.
Your mother may be threateed by your closeess with your father. Do you thik you are much more attractive then your mother?
Assalamualaikum sister i am suffering from the same situation but remember Allah is almighty they will send us in Jannat this world is temporary but the life after death is permanent plz never think about sucide live a good life follow the instructions of the prophet Muhammad (saw)
Assalamualaikum All,
I have read everyone's comment (here and elsewhere) and come to realize that parents are abusing their children globally not just in Muslim population. We have to break down every case and look at it from a medical, cultural and religious understanding. I have not found anything in the Quran or hadith that tells us we are allowed to torture verbally, mentally and physically. In the contrary we are to stay away from becoming a zalimun (a sin that is doomed for the hell fire).
When Islam was growing in Medina (during Prophet Muhammed PBUH time) every Muslim was living a peaceful and happy life; however the Kuffar in Mecca became so jealous that they tried to do anything to break down the peace and happiness in Medina.
That is exactly how every Muslim should be living in a peaceful and happy surrounding.
Coming back to the issues!!!
Parents have no right in Islam to abuse their children (regardless male or female); there is no excuse or exception. Rather children are the future of Islam and we as parents should be spending the time to educate Islam into them so they can grow to become the next Muslim leaders and so on (this is one reason we should have Islamic psychologists dealing and helping in these matters). Parents that turn to violence are coming from awful culture, pride, fame and long term family abuse that has no ending and this is why we need to break this cycle.
There is no simple solution or fix but rather a complex matter that the west is till trying and spending millions of dollars on family abuse (however there are solution with side affects). The Quran tells us and warns us of such behavior that we should clearly ask Allah (swt) to keep us protected from. The Prophet Muhammed PBUH has many beautiful examples on how he dealt with children and if we can follow such example then there will be a happy surroundings.
Sister's why don't you get all of your family (sibling and parents) together to have 20-30min once or twice a week Hadith night. This helps bring everyone together and hear beautiful examples that they can apply in their own daily life. This is one of my own favorite things to do with my kids that helps make us better Muslims. I also come from a violent and abusive family but Allhumdullilah I broke the cycle living my own life according to Islam (very happy and peaceful - off course I still have to deal with my parents, sisters and two mental brothers - that are my parents fault!!).
I pray that Allah (swt) helps and guides us to the truth and makes us better parents towards our children but also may Allah (swt) has mercy on our own parents and guide them also to the truth. Ameen