Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My mother-in-law and sister-in-law are destroying my marriage

eman dua despair faith

Hello

I am newlywed of 10months. We live in different countries because of arranged marriage and Visa Issue.

My husband is severely controlled by his sister and mother. He doesn't spend any money on me without their permission. We both have to get permission from his sister before speaking with each other.

Recently my mother in law and sister in law called my mother and cursed her out. When I defended my mom........ my mother in law and sister in law staged me as a liar. They call and harass me......my mother in law said I am not allowed to disagree with any of her children or I will have to deal with her. I started to ignore and avoid them.

Now my husband nonstop accuses me if being a liar which is verbal abuse. He told me that his family teach him that wives are not forever...but mother and sister are forever.....

My husband family realize they cannot make me their servant and I will not tolerate my parents being cursed out - they are pushing my husband to leave me.

My mother in law being a Muslim woman called my father and cursed him out. My father put her in her spot. In return she turn to my husband and make him believe I lied to make them enemies to my dad......

Now my husband said he wants to go separate ways. We have not talked in 4 weeks and he wants to end it through email because I refuse to listen to his mother and sister.

After my father in law died when my husband was 12 (He is 33 now)...his mother made him a substitute husband....his family see me more like a mistress than a daughter in law.

My husband doesn't see how abnormal it is that he sleeps in same bed as his mother and not wife....

He told me his sister is next perfect to Allah and she is never wrong. Whatever she says is always right so he has to obey.

I am losing my will to live....how can I prove my innocence and what they are doing?

How can I save my marriage?

My sister in law is introducing my husband to other woman? Is this cheating?

He decided to separate not me..
.is this valid?

They claim what they doing in name of Allah is ethical and I am the sinner.

PLEASE HELP!!

I was a 30 year old virgin when we married.

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35 Responses »

  1. Asalamo Alaykum, I'm going to be honest with you, for the sake of your own well being and mental health and safety your best option right now is to get the hell away from that men and his backwards ignorant family. From the things you have mentioned, he can never be a proper husband or a good father- his mentality is way too messed up. How can you stand his family cursing your parents? Isn't that enough to make you get out of this nonsense. There are good men out there, good god fearing ones that don't come from silly cultural backward families. Do yourself a favour sister and leave and ask allah swt to bless you with someone you deserve because no one deserves that crap! And may allah guide your husband and his messed up family

  2. AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister,

    If what you are saying is really what is going on between you and your husband and his family, then I am not sure if it's a matter of how to save your marriage. Normally, I wouldn't suggest a husband who gets controled by his family for my sister.

    However, it seems to me like there is something else left unexplained.

    What do you mean by

    "He told me his sister is next perfect to Allah and she is never wrong. Whatever she says is always right so he has to obey."

    and

    "They claim what they doing in name of Allah is ethical and I am the sinner."

    and

    "My husband doesn't see how abnormal it is that he sleeps in same bed as his mother and not wife...."

    What type of family are your husband's family?

    Are they practicing anything cultural or traditional?

    What type of Muslims are they?

  3. asalamu alaikum,

    oh snap, he sleeps with his mother? this is sick. I read another post before his mother sleeps with her son. too crazy I tell you. if the word got out, people will make a field day trip out of that, take this fantastic opportunity to break away. you also said your husband nonstop accuses me if being a liar which is verbal abuse. my instinct tells me that will escalate to domestic violence.

    it seems to me culture, tradition is far more important then Islam, plus seems like, their knowledge is far below average. how could his sister be next perfect to Allah? astagfurallah. no humans are perfect.

    and you also state, My sister in law is introducing my husband to other woman?

    so why are you so hooked up in saving a broken marriage?

    ma salama...

    • May Allah guide you and be with you, may he hail down his love and power for you that you never feel unloved nor on your own, sister I am going to tell you from my own experience, your story is the same copy as mine and I mentally broke down till they grounded me and made me feel like I was wrong, but somthing always said no I am not wrong, and this is your emaan, your belief in Allah that says stand up and fight and make the wrong doers believe in you, ie your husband and should he not then he is the fool, as Allah is never unjust to his people who are pure, 2 years i have been married and now I'm walking away as my husband just like yours is not a man but a mummy's boy, and if morals and values are not in place to begin with ie sleeping in his mothers bed ect then he will not change, he is a grown man and to be grown and change what his parents have shown ie not respecting wives ect, then more fool him, his next marriage will fail if he cant keep this one with you because of his mum and sister, please hav patience, Allah tests the ones he loves, talk to your parents tell them the truth do not suffer on your own, they need to know Wat a backward family they are, they love you and will support you, my parents are with me, your parents are and will. May Allah guide you and protect you and try at your marriage if after a while there is no hope then walk away. Remember Allah is calling you, so go to him fo him to guide you.

      Sai

      • I put my foot down when she first started saying that she wanted my husband to sleep in the same room as her.

        Why she wants your husband to sleep in her room? She is old enough to know couples need privacy to enjoy intimate moments.

        Can you put a new lock that you can lock from inside?

        I can understand banning sex. Pretending you are in the process every time she comes in the room may make her avoid your room at night. Is she going back to Pakistan or you plan to spend your life without intamcy.

  4. Salam sister,

    I fail to understand why you want to save this marriage? When clearly this man is still attached to the umbilical cord. If he has been bought up like this his whole life to believe a wife is irreplaceble then he will never respect you. He will never think for himself. His mother and sister will forever be the masters of his actions.

    He is still his mothers baby mentally. So get away from him sis. You deserve a husband not a 33 yr old baby!

  5. Looks like you still want relationship with this man who sleeps with his mother. What country your husband grew up in? Is it important for you to keep this relationship and get the Visa? You should stop arguing or asking for any money before you get your Visa. Just try to be nice to every one. How old is your sister in law? Does she live with your husband and his mother?

  6. ASSALAMALAIKUM
    THIS IS CASE OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO ETHICS NOR ISLAMIC TRAINING NOR ANY VALUE FOR WOMANHOOD-
    SEEING THE FAR AWAY DISTRUBANCES IT LOOKS AS THOUGH THEY ARE WAITING LIKE VULTURES TO POUNCE ON YOU-AND YOUR HUSBAND HIMSELF IS NUMBER ONE JAHIL TO HAVE THE TYPE OF LIFE HE IS LEADING WITH PRIORITY FOR MOTHER AND SISTER-
    ITS A VERY BAD CASE AS YOU EXPLAINED ITS BETTER TO DO RUQIYA PRAYERS AND WAIT AND SEE IF ANY CHANGES TAKE PLACE IN YR HUSBAND TOWARDS YOU -
    CHANCES ARE THERE YOU WILL SAVE HIM-FROM THE SPELL OF MOTHER AND SISTER IN THE FORM OF SHAITAN THEY ARE DOMINATING HIM-
    IF YOU DONT FIND ANY CHANGES AFTER DOING RUQIYA PRAYERS FOR ABOUT 3 MONTHS OR MORE THEN IT CAN BE TERMED AS GONE CASE YOU WILL HAVE DECIDE TO SAVE GUARD YOUR LIFE BUT NEVER GO TO LIVE WITH THEM-
    YUR LIFE WILL BE AT RISK BECAUSE THE MOTHER AND SISTER EVEN MAY ATTEMPT TO BURN YOU OR KILL YOU IN A PLANNED MANNER BY PRESENTING LIKE AN ACCIDENT-

    IT IS BETTER HOPE IN ALLAH FOR CHANGE IN YR HUSBAND OR ELSE PLAN YR LIFE AGAIN PROPERLY 1ST CHECKING IF THE BOYS SIDE OF PEOPLE ARE RELIGIOUS OR ANOTHER BUNCH OF SELFISH MAD AND WORLDLY PEOPLE -IF YOU ARE FROM PAKISTAN THEN VERY LESS CHANCES ARE THERE WHO FOLLOW QURAN AND SUNNAH BY WHICH WE CAN TRUST THEY ARE GOD FEARING IF THEY ARE OTHER DEVIATED AND SHRINE GROUP THEN AGAIN 2ND ATTEMPT WILL BE WORSE THAN THE 1ST-
    HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND-
    REGARDS
    Ruqya in Arabic means healing, the Islamic way according to the sharia, only Qur'an and sunnah, applying the Qur'an THE WORDS OF ALLAH SUBHANAWATALA on the patients.VICTIMS OF SPELL ETC-

    http://salaf-us-saalih.com/2011/01/03/ruqyah-cure-for-illness-way-of-doing-it/
    7 TIMES READING PROOF http://abdurrahman.org/health/fatiha-ruqya.html
    We are told in the Qur'an that Prophet Ibraheem, alayhis salam, said,
    "And when I am ill, it is He Who cures me." [26:80]

    The Prophet, sallallahu alayhi wasallam, said: "There is a remedy for every malady, and when the remedy is applied to the disease it cures it with the permission of Allah, the Exalted and Glorious." (Muslim) Also, the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said,
    "Make use of the two remedies: honey and the Qur'an." (Tirmithi)
    Have a spray bottle. fill it up with water prefer mineral water.
    with the bottle open put your mouth as close to the top of the bottle and recite sourah al Fatiha then blow in the water. Ayat al kursee then blow in the water. Then do the same with sourah al ikhlass, al falaq, al Nass.
    close your bottle your water is ready.
    go to every room close the door if the room and slightly open the window of that room you in.
    recite loudly sourah Fatiha 7 times.
    recite aya al kursee 7 times.
    recite sourah al zalzalah 7 times.
    straight away as reciting the athan you should spray with that water you prepared every corner of that room.
    never spray without reciting the athan.
    when finished spray all the corners of the room close the window and do the same with every other room in your home.
    don't do the toilet.
    when every room is done play sourah al baqarah in each room.
    make sure your pray the nafl salat in your home. As the prophet said :
    Don't turn your homes to grave yards not praying salat in your homes.
    (Meaning tahajud and optional prayers)
    Sahih bukhari and MUSLIM......

  7. As salamu alaykum,

    Sis, you have to ask yourself do you love this man and are you willing to continue in this situation. From what you write, things are in a bad state of affairs already and it's only been 10 months. I can't predict the future, so I can only give you my opinion, but unless some kind of miracle happens it looks like things are only going to get worse.

    I feel sorry for them because it seems like the mother is in need and the sister seems like she is just adding fuel to the fire and probably clueless to the fact that she is enabling her mother in behavior that is not appropriate. It's a good thing that he is honoring his mother, but at the same time he is mistreating you and in Islam the good treatment of your spouse is important. I speak from experience and I hope Allah will forgive me as I am trying to fix the damage I have done to my husband. I am very grateful that he has forgiven me.

    In your case, your husband is asking for a divorce and you haven't even done anything to deserve that. He's not sticking up for you, which he can do and still remain respectful of his mom while doing it. He's now accusing you and being verbally abusive on top of it. His family has taken their disrespect and now have included your family. Sis, it's okay to let go, you know? That seems like a whole lot of unhappiness to be shouldering and for what? Unless, you have chosen to remain patient for the sake of Allah. That's a whole different thing. I am not an expert on matters, but I don't think (Astaghfirullah) that Allah would want you to allow someone to abuse you. That's one of the many beautiful things about Islam...everyone has their rights.

    If you love him and want to stay and give it a try then you and your husband are going to need counseling, preferably by some one who is a Muslim doctor or maybe just someone to mediate like an Imam. Remember, when both sides can not come to some sort of common ground, you do have the right to a divorce. The question here is how bad do you want to stayed married to this man?? Marriages can be fixed and sometimes they just don't work out no matter how much you may want to fix it.

    In the meantime, dua, dua, dua (and that's a reminder to myself as well as I am going through some hard things, right now) will help you too.

    I hope this helps you. May Allah, The Almighty, guide you, protect you, and bless you always.

    Your sister in Islam,
    Izache

  8. Asslaam alaykum Sister

    I am really angry with what i read.
    I can see that your story is nearly the same as mine. But me my ex-mother in law and her daughters forced my husband to stop sleeping with me and contributing to the household expenses. But eventually talaak took place.
    This relationship you are into, is a really abusive one.
    One has to honour his parents, i agree. But wife also has her place.
    If you continue in this type of relationship, definitely you will end up more miserable. Your mariage is only 10 months old. And the fact you do not have a child yet, is better to leave that relationship which, if you continue, will make you regret.
    As a woman and a mother, I advise you to retreat. Insha Allah you will find better one.
    Since me my husband gave me my talaak, it is 15 years now. I have not yet married. May be Allah ha snot yet decided. But I have someone in my life, but currently he is abroad and detained....in a jail......you see, Allah decides what and when.

  9. Hi,

    Excertly I don't know you but what i read i have understood very well that "Life is not a bed of roses" so better give time to your husband and tolerance is required side by side, Ishallah soon you yourself will say i am the happiest woman in this earth, if you can manage it, tha ask your Allah and what i know whenever we sees no one for help than Allah shows his miracle , so trust and faith is required at this crucial time, just for a while don't thing with your brain just think what's your opponents loves and desires, once you will understand them, surely they will understand you.

    Regards
    Saeed

    • ZERO TOLERANCE !!!!!! to this insanity. GET OUT OF THIS ASAP for the sake of Allah.

      Saeed if you cant give any sensible advise , then please dont give any. is this what you will advise your sister or daughter if they came to you and told you that husband sleeps with mother?????

      i totally have same suspicion as brother Issah. either they are doing some shirk or are completely deviated from Islam. which country are you two from?. does he live in a western country?

      • Than what do you think, should i insist her that take divorce and seek someone else, i do agree man does mistakes and its doesn't live to life time, as everyone does its except our Holy prophet (SAW) who haven't done any mistake entirely in his life.
        Today where hundreds of girls are waiting to get married and they don't even bother of cast or breed and you think i should suggest this girl that better separate herself of take divorce .....i think it would be non-sense decision so we have to broader our opinion, these all matter should be sorted out before taking such decision rather than crying on split milk.

        What's my opinion is if a woman is married to such person than she should take help from Allah, pray five times and ask help, i am sure he is there to help his mankind, human-being will only suggest, if she takes divorce or separation than you are willing to take responsibility of her, no one comes at the time of trouble except Allah, if she can't manage than better use her sense rather than asking a man who can't give grantee of another second, what he would suggest.
        I think your ladies haven't been through this situation due to this reason you are saying this non-sense reply, go according to today's world and see what's happening in this world.

        Regards
        Saeed

        • Saeed Ahmed reading your 'advice' really made me disgusted and sick, I have no words for someone with a strange mentality like yours. You are telling the sister to 'understand' her husband and his family after they have sworn and insulted her and her family numerous times?!?!?!? The best thing for the sister to do in this siutation is to seek divorce and get away from that monsterous family inshallah. May allah swt make it easy for you sister to break away from this marriage and bless you with a real man with no cultural crap or baggage who will fulfil his responsibilities as a husband and love you. may allah swt protect all sisters from the likes of evil backwards men and their messed up backwards families. Ameen

          • This she should have taken decision before marriage not after, i do agree her husband have an evil thinking and but a a brother I prefer to check a man before marriage rather dying to get married and later-on cry and ask help at internet from you, our-here in this world everyone may suggest the same what you have "Better divorce and Allah may arrange someone for you, who's according to your desire"

            Thanks to Allah for all his goodness and support toward you, you and your family ladies haven't seen or been through this crucial and un-tolerable situation otherwise you wouldn't been here at this site suggesting people will the same response as everywhere and in every society, I will suggest you better read the Quran and see, i am sure you will understand what Allah asks his people, Love me, trust me, have faith on me and i will make your life paradise, what Hazrat Ibrahim did, when his surrounding and his people were against him, he only asked help from Allah and Allah made is life remember able for rest of world.

            The best solution of this matter is offer Namaz and ask help, I am sure she will take a better decision rather than asking a man who pretends himself sensible but ashamed the rest of Muslims, by suggesting such reply, your reply seems like a person sitting at road side and suggestion a man, thinks that he's wiser among all, can't grantee about yourself what you can suggest.

            If the girl doesn't able to find a man for herself when what you will suggest, may be Allah forget to made a man for you....Naa Uzzaballah....so i will suggest you better read Quran once more and see what's written there what our Allah is saying to his mankind.

            I don't understand when and where we will get Aaalim (Scholar) in Islam, or remain with all non-sense....

            regards
            Saeed

        • saeed, just because girls are waiting to get married doesnt mean they should marry a creep like this one or stay in a marriage like this.

          ofcourse Allah is the provider not this mentally sick man.

          brother one doesnt need to be in this sisters situation to give sensible advise--- one just needs to be sensible enough to save a sister from abuse!!!!!!

          one way of encouraging abuse is not speaking against it and you are certainly doing that

          • Its your precipitation not mine, read the Quran with its meaning and than advise others, i am sure you will get a better decision rather than this one what you have suggest to this innocent and desirable girl who's at this moment needs help, not getting married, where she knows herself majority of girls are seeking man to get married at any cost, so pls brother its a request read Quran before advising others.

            Regards
            Saeed

          • Saeed , iam not going to waste time on you .iam not here to change your mentality.

            lost wife 82, if you want to live a respectable life in this world than get out of this marriage. Allah has given us this life as a gift so respect this gift and dont be abused.

        • Assalam alaikum Br. Saeed,

          Please support your statements from the Quran and Hadith if you have read something in there that supports this type of husband.

          JazakAllah.

          • Your statements continue to be baseless and you seem to fear writing the supposed statements here that would prove your point.

            Having read the Quran with meaning, I don't recall reading anything that would support your words. Though something we can find in Hadith, you have not even done that either. What is the point to ask us to read again and understand when you clearly have not provided that information here? Do not take statements of the Quran out of context...that can easily be done. Each statement in the Quran has a context, so please, once more, provide your proof.

            Your incomplete answer with no proof explains what you have written. JazakAllah.

        • Salaam Brother Saeed Ahmed,

          How have you been doing?

          Could you tell us where it is written in the Holy Quran, that a wife should tolerate a situation like this?

          Thank you.

          • Read siparah no 6 or 7, its mentioned (Talaq) divorce and read the contest completely, if can't manage to find it, than ask Allah to let you know through Quran the excert answer....i am sure you will get it.

            Regards
            Saeed

        • I have memorized the complete Holy Quran, and I still can't find where it is written that a wife should tolerate a situation like this.

          Also, I did not find it in both siparah 6 and siparah 7.

          Could you help me find it, please?

          Thank you.

          • Yes of course divorce is hated by god HOWEVER ITS IS BETTER TO BE HAPPY AND SINGLE THAN MISERABLE AND MARRIED. In some cultures, especially in the Pakistani culture, alot of women don't raise their children upon the deen and teach them just crappy culture which is irrelevant to us. Saeed I don't know what an earth you are talking about, you know absolutely nothing about the sisters on here commenting infact alot of us are advising the sister to get out of the marriage because we have experienced such stress and headache ourselves. Life doesnt revolve around marriage, its not a bad thing to get a divorce ESPECIALLY when yor are unhappy - this will take its toll on ones mental and physical health. 'Many girls are seeking men to get married at any cost' not all women are desperate. Alot of us women are waiting patiently to find a good man inshallah so no, what you said is absolute nonsense because I don't know of any girl who is desperate to get married ''at any cost'' Allah ya7dina. Please don't comment or try to give your absurd advice to this sister by telling her to stay in that horrible marriage.

    • Ya ALLAH are you serious????????im absolutely disgusted!!! "so better give time to your husband and tolerance is required side by side, Ishallah soon you yourself will say i am the happiest woman in this earth “ ....“so trust and faith is required at this crucial time, just for a while don't thing with your brain just think what's your opponents loves and desires ….“ REALLY??? So you want her to tolerate her abusive husband and suddenly he will change by magic and she will be the happiest woman on earth??? ohhhh as this is not enough she should stop using her brain???lol im lost for words!!!!thats insane!!!Allah gave us our brain for a reason!!! you seriously telling her to stop using it???This sister is married for only 10month and her husband is already abusive,doesnt respect her ,her mother and sister in law treating her like their slave, he even sleeps in the same bad as his mum!!!!! Sister what do you want to „fix“ in this marriage???This marriage doesnt even exist in the first place so what do you want to fix????? “They claim what they doing in name of Allah is ethical and I am the sinner “ “My sister in law is introducing my husband to other woman? Is this cheating?“ this is really sick and im really disturbed that you seriously asking this question!! why are you waiting for a miracle????get the hell out of this marriage!!Thank Allah you dont have children with him and leave!!!We only get what we deserve nobody can treat you like this unless you let them to do so!!if you think you deserve to be treated like this you have the choice to stay but you shouldnt be complaining about it as it was your own decision and nobody forced you to, but if you think you deserve better and you dont want to be treated like that than i highly recommend you to leave, you have the choice sister so do yourself a favor and get out of this marriage, no one deserves to be treated like that!!!For the sake of Allah respect yourself please!!!

      “Today where hundreds of girls are waiting to get married and they don't even bother of cast or breed and you think i should suggest this girl that better separate herself of take divorce .....i think it would be non-sense decision so we have to broader our opinion, these all matter should be sorted out before taking such decision rather than crying on split milk. „
      Are you serious????You seriously advice her to stay with a mentally abusive husband just because there are a lot of women who are waiting to get married and they dont care of ….....????Do you seriously think a womens life is only worth if she is married???so she should stay with a psychopath just for the sake of being married???thats insane!trust me the world wouldnt end just because a women is not married!they are other things in life than just having a husband!!!Its better to be single forever than being with an abnormal psycopathic husband just for the sake of being “married“ !!! life is too short to waste it with a psycopath!we are here on this earth for a purpose and the purpose of a womens life is NOT to find a husband lol the only reason why we are here for is to worship Allah swt only, being HIS slave only and not the husbands slave!!! Allah doesnt want us to be abused, He swt wants us to be happy with our spouse!!!

  10. As salamu alykum:

    Whoa, brother Saeed...don't say none of us have not been in her situation because I have and it is frustrating and a lonely place to be. Her frustration is why she is seeking help. This is not a small matter. She is being "disrespected" and so is her family. The mother is using foul language and is obviously out of control. If she lets his family and her husband walk all over her then there is no hope of things getting better. She is not alone though, Allah is with her. You're right about that and she has the right to give voice to this injustice.

    What am I supposed to do? Listen to my sister's pain and say, "oh, I shouldn't say anything." NO! I made dua for her last night and I don't even know her name, but Allah knows her name. Abuse and disrespect are not "nonsense." You speak as if she just has some dust on her shoulder and she should wipe it off and move on!? Are you serious!

    Sometimes, you can't tell that a person is highly dysfunctional until after marriage. Sometimes a person is one way and then after marriage become another person. This is nothing new. Women all over the world are going through this and it continues because people tolerate it and turn their heads. That is wrong. I was with a man once and we were in the car with his sister and he became very angry with me. His sister kept saying "not in the car or not in my car." In other words, when you get her home you can beat her all you want, just not in my car!!! I can't tell you how scared I was that day. True this sister's marriage is not there yet, but it only takes a little while to get there.

    You want Qur'an...okay...I totally agree with you there. We should see what the Qur'an says about this matter:

    "If a wife fears cruelty or desertion on her husband's part, there is no blame on them if they arrange an amicable settlement between themselves; and such settlement is best; even though men's souls are swayed by greed. But if ye do good and practise self-restraint, God is well-acquainted with all that ye do. (The Noble Quran, 4:128)"

    "...Do not retain them (i.e., your wives) to harm them...(The Noble Quran, 2:231)"

    "...on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and God brings about through it a great deal of good. (The Noble Quran, 4:19)"

    "And among God's signs is this: He created for you mates from amongst yourselves (males as mates for females and vice versa) that you might find tranquillity and peace in them. And he has put love and kindness among you. Herein surely are signs for those who reflect. (The Noble Quran 30:21)"

    and here is a Hadith:

    Anas ibn Malik reported: A man said, “O Messenger of Allah, should I tie my camel and trust in Allah, or should I untie her and trust in Allah?” The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Tie her and trust in Allah.”

    Source: Sunan At-Tirmidhi 2517

    Grade: Hasan (fair) according to Al-Albani

    Okay, so there we have it. Brother, I am not attacking you...just defending my sister's right to good treatment and happiness. That's all. So yes, she should definitely trust Allah and seek His help, but she should also be proactive.

    Allah Knows Best.

    • Assalaamualaikam

      MashaAllah - Thank you for providing those passages; inshaAllah they should be very helpful for the original poster.

      Midnightmoon
      IslamicAnswers.com editor

  11. Assalaamualaikam

    From what you've written, it sounds as if your husband has been quite damaged psychologically by the upbringing he has had, if he thinks this is normal behaviour for a family. May Allah guide him and them back to the straight path and to repentance.

    I think you need to decide whether you wish to stay in this marriage or leave. If you wish to try to salvage your relationship, this would need to be on your terms, without things being dictated by his family, and I suspect that your husband may not be willing to do this; if you want to, though, you could try to persuade him. Given everything you have said, you would have clear grounds to terminate your marriage, if you wish to leave, and if he is saying he wishes to end your relationship as well, then that suggests his decision has already been made.

    You are still young, and have the rest of your life ahead of you. Trust in Allah's plans, ask Him for guidance, and base any decision you make on Islamic teachings. It may well help to discuss the situation with your parents, as they may have valuable advice and can support you through this, inshaAllah.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  12. As salamu alaykum:

    (lostwife82):

    Sis, I found some more material for you to read concerning your situation from Wives’ Rights in Islam:

    The Prophet, greetings and peace be upon him, said stating the rights of women, "You are obliged to provide them with food and clothes honourably". Honourably here means what is conventional according to people of faith and honour, without extravagance or meanness.
    ( Transmitted by Abu Dawud (1905); Ibn Majah (3074); Al-Doramy in Kittab Al-Mannish p.440 on the authority of Jabber; Ahmad 5/73 on the authority of Abu Gara Al-Raqashi's uncle.)

    Living with them honorably, this includes respect her and pay attention to her needs, never ever reveal the secrets of the household and those of the married couple. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said that the best charity (sadaqa) is that spent on one's wife, patience and forgiveness in the case of disagreement or dispute, and not rush to divorce, good manners, sweet words, a smiling face, a pleasing playfulness and an amusing mien, etc. The Prophet, greetings and peace be upon him, said, "The most faithful believers are the best in manners and the most gentle of their own people".(Transmitted by Al-Termithy on the authority of Abu Huraira - 1162)

    The husband is not to stay away from his wife or keep his wife in a state of suspense, whether at home or abroad, for a protracted period of time except with her consent. Allah said: "Turn not away (from your wife) altogether, so as to leave her hanging. If you come to a friendly understanding and practice self-restraint, then Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Merciful" (4:129). Protracted separation (6 months or more in the Shafi`i school) without prior or subsequent arrangement with the wife, whether the husband is away willingly or unwillingly (for example due to war, imprisonment, or illness) is sufficient grounds for her to obtain divorce from the judge.

    Islam states that when a man divorces his wife, he must pay her the delayed dowry agreed upon in the marriage contract, in addition to the expense of her maintenance of food, drink and living quarters for a certain period of time, known as the "iddat". The husband is legally and religiously charged with his children's financial maintenance, and for wet nurses to breast feed them. If their mother breast feeds them herself, the father has to give the divorced mother compensation for her nursing as is stated in the following Quranic verse "And if they suckle your (offspring) give them their recompense " (Surah LXV, verse 6).

    ~~~>It goes on and on...everything you need to know about what to do with your situation is in there. Here is the link:
    http://www.alsiraj.net/English/misc/women/html/page14.html

    Insha'Allah, this helps you, Sis. Please, read the whole thing. Please, take care of yourself, okay.

  13. Asalamyalukym ,
    Sister mine story is just the same as urs exactly same. Cnt spend on me, i have no right over him, cnt even share my pain with him..mil sleeps sometimes in his bed but thts when i am not there..abused my family everyone.. Only difference being that i have tolerated all this for 2 and a half years.. And i have a 8 month old daughter..but my husband loves me is not abusive.0nly prob is he cant confront his mother and sisters..
    I was staying with my husband overseas and it was my brothers marraige..my inlaws disnt want my husband to come for th marraige also asked him to prevent me from coming as they were angry with me and my family for not consulting them before fixing my brothers marraige and tellin them late about it..it wasactually my husbands desicion to tell them late as he himself was scared if them..but thn in the end he cleared himself of all and everybody put blame on me..his family had asked him not to sen me to my native place and if at all i came they wud prevent me from going back to my husband for months..i asked my husband to do my return ticket as well but he didnt..result is i am at my parents place since three months with my daughter n insted of calling me there my motherinlaw left everywork here n went to stay with my husband overseas..my husband talks to me everyday calls me but says nothng about coming back to him.. Even if i try to initiate the topic he gets irritated frustrated n fights with me..my daughter hasnt been with her father for more than 2 months.. I am suffering every moment n waiting for allahs decision patiently..all my husband has to say is that its ur fault..i had asked u to go to my placebefore goin to ur parents place.. Here in india we have a culture that we have to go to inlaws place ist n then can we go to our parents place..this was the desiin i took after i came to know of my motherinlaws n sister inlaws plan of not letting me go back to mu husband also they had threatened my brother to tell me tha now they will show me wha an inlaws place iss actually like n they will make me sit at my parents place for two years then i will realise my mistake..please help me..

  14. Even though you live overseas, there are still problems with in laws and husbands. Why did your husband buy you one way ticket in the first place? Did your husband buy one way ticket for his mother too? When is your mother-in law coming back. is your mother in law working overseas? Where is your father in law?

    Stop arguing with every one about who is right and who is wrong. In your situation, to keep peace, even saying sorry should be ok.That is a good sign that your husband still calls you and loves you. One thing is strange your husband does not sleep with you.
    It is imortant girls get good education so that they can be financially indepdent.

  15. Hello...

    [Editor's note: Please submit your question as a new post for publication rather than as a comment on an existing post. That way it can be published and answered in turn, inshaAllah.]

  16. U should leave ur husband.... Or get separate....should recite the Quran and dua for help....Allah do ur help bcz Allah never leave his creature alone... I had the same situation but now see I m with my husband....always recite darood and ayat on ur tongue....I do the same...

  17. Mashhaaaallaaahhh sister,

    I'm so sorry for your situation, may Allah ease your sorrow.
    First let me tell you that you're not the only experiencing these difficulties. I am a Muslim revert and have been in a relationship with my husband but also living apart in separate countries for almost a year now. His family does not approve of our marriage because I am western and they prefer him to marry within the family or in his village. They have threatened to disown him if he does not divorce me. They even said that he isn't no longer alllowed in his village and when his parents die he isn't not allowed to attend the funeral. My husband is now very confused as to what to do. His family Is calling me now trying to force me to end the relationship even though everything was done in a halal way. I love my husband and will continue to stand by his side and support him but his pain hurts him so much he has become closed off and distant. We already have 12 hours time difference between us so he goes days sometimes without saying much. He hardly says I love you anymore.

    May Allah support us all in these difficult times and give us strength and recognize our good intentions and make our marriages strong.
    may Allah have mercy on us

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