Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How do we move on from his infidelity?

Overcoming-Infidelity1

Dear friends,

Last year I wrote about how I was suspicious about my husband having affairs, my 6th sense was telling me, but now I am sure he did and he even had a weekend honeymoon with this woman.

He will not admit to it in a million years. I gave him an ultimatum to quit his job where he traveled or I am leaving. After that he has taken a 100 degree turn. He is doing all the house chores, he is doing all the homework with the kids, and is very involved in their lives and I have seen a big change in him. Before I used to tell him to go pray he used to tell me my grave is separate then yours not to worry. Now when I tell him to pray he also tells my daughter to pray, he goes to mosque on Fridays and does everything I tell him.

I am having a very hard time to forget and forgive and move on. I have not been sleeping with him for the past 5 months since he is home. My problem is I am having a very, very hard time to let go and move on. I pray and I read sura yaseen every day at least once to give me sabr and move on. I know it is effecting my daughter who is 14 a lot. She does not even talk to him nicely and does not want to be around him. I think now the kids are older and he is realizing that and is trying his best but what should I do? I don't want my kids to suffer and he loves them very, very much I know that for sure. I just need some positive advice please and maybe some suras to help me heal inside.

I had thought about divorce but it is not an option due to he is related to me and will affect the whole family. I have been going to a marriage counselor which is not helping as it is for Americans I think. I am very stressed and I keep asking Allah why me and why did it happen to me. I have never been with any men except my husband, and I just can't believe he can do such a thing.

Thank you for your advice in advance.

malalai


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7 Responses »

  1. Salam ..sister .. m a student and unmarried .. i'mnot so matured but i went through your posts n couldnt help mysself so i wanted to write smthng at least .. through all this situation i think you would have been go through all the prayers etc .. i want you to tell you that dont go for councelling etc as they are aslo humans .. Humans are just Humans they can make mistakes .. neither go for lies detector test or whtever how could you trust such things .... there seem a reason for it .. everything happens for a reason.. i think you need a little space just take a break makke yourself busy and treat him with more love...tell him that you love him..when he is home turn on recitation of Quran loud in home (check misharay alrashid) ..listen to recitation of quran urself as well it would make your mind at rest INshaa ALLah .. you havnt went for any family gatheriings etc ? ..your both care for your daughter .. do ur best to attract your husband do things u had never done before .. if he doing all works etc might be there is a change .. but the thing is you should consult only Allah in the times of need ..dont ask people as no matter what we suggest afterall we are not Allah to know everything .. so do istakhara n remember divorce is the thing not liked by Allah but you should ur prayers to make douts clear to make your head clear .. shaitann is disturbing you alot .. also focus on your life repent alot and ask Allah for his guidance but first of all repent towards Allah .. Afterall HE (Allah) is our very best friend HE shud be v v v close to your heart even more than your family...whtever you do should be for the sake of Allah.. i will suggest you to do prayer five times aday and do extra nafal" to ask Allah what shud you do(in short to clear you doubts ). istakhara is the best for that ....For Love among family members, or put love in the heart of any person
    Recite Surah Anfal Ayat number 63- 11 times daily.... blow on water or make tea for him and blow these ayat in tea ... ask Allah to change him and also change your attitude towards him if you see any change ..you might not accept to forgive him so just talk to Allah about this matter as well no other person can do good for you but only advise so plz ask Allah make your relationship stronger.. also consult a very good aaalim/imaam ... dont go for any sooth sayers or palmist etc .. May Allah add barakt in your life and in your family may HE guide you on the right path ... may he give you the rest of your heart and mind Aaameen

  2. Malalai: My problem is I am having a very, very hard time to let go and move on.....my 6th sense was telling me, but now I am sure he did and he even had a weekend honeymoon with this woman..

    You do sound like a supermom as far as your kids are concerned. Not too many women give that kind of attention to their kids.

    There is no way to prove or disapprove that your husband had a honeymoon with another woman.
    I think your mind is occupied all the time with thoughts of your husband's sexual relationship(s) which have not been proved. If you did not have strong six sense you would have dropped the issue and moved on.

    Please think about positive contributions of your husband towards you and your kids and extended family.
    It will be better not to involve your daughter in this. Let her enjoy a nice relationship with her dad

    Don't let anger take over you. One can't make good decisions when he/she is angry.

  3. Dear SVS.
    I do have a very high paying job and work part time but it is enough and We are a typical middle class family.I go to the gym i go out with my friends and drive my kids to karate, after school tutoring and swimming lessons. and to madrasa on the weekends. I am trying my best and my therapist suggest that may be i should make an apt with a psychologist, so lets see. to be clear my husband always had a wondering eye and it is not just my imagination, my sixth sense is always correct and the lie he told me about his trip it did not add up, and when i ask him where he went to dinner or for breakfast and what he did , he does not want to talk about it and was very nervous when i picked him up at the airport, like he had no blood in him. I know and Allah knows and he knows he did scrowed up big time. I just need peace for myself and my kids. I don't really care for our sex life and it did not bothered me and it does not bother me know also. I do look very young and smart of my age and look very good compare to him.But i guess it is correct that they think the grass is always green o the other side.
    I do want peace for my kids in the house but very hard to do at some time, I just Pray to Allah to give me enough strength to forget and move on, and I have told him I will never forgive him and what ever I am doing I am doing it for my daughter, and he knows that.
    thank you for your response, greatly appreciate it.

  4. OP: I don't know what to do as he totally denies it, I have tried everything that he will tell me but he won't. I have threatened to leave but he says it is all my imagination and I have no proof and don't ruin my kids life. He cries and swears and I am confused what to do..... My husband had a very high sex drive, but i guess not for me.

    Many married people do little flirting or email communication online, that does not mean they are having sex. If you husband has low sex drive for you he may have the same for other women too. This low drive for you can be discussed with a doctor.

    Imagination has no limits, a man or woman can imagine even their spouses having sex with their colleagues or friends or whatever.

    You seem to be angry with your husband. Your husband has changed, you should also try to change for sake of peace in the family and too provide a nice atmosphere for your daughter to grow up. How do you keep yourself busy?

  5. thank you for your response.
    I just feel like the counselor just let me talk and tells me to move on, thats what I am having a hard time with.I can't seem to get out of this hole. My husband had a very high sex drive, but i guess not for me.I know him not telling me or telling me will not help with the pain, and he will take this to his grave.Just that my trust has been shattered so much that it is hard to start repairing it.I told him he also needs to see a therapist to figure out why he cheats, maybe something has happened to him when he was young or what ever the reason is he needs to deal with and get to the bottom of it.But you can't treat a sickness unless a person admits to having it and wants help.
    My daughter is having a hard time because she is very confused and can't except that her dad has this double life. I try not to fight with him in front of the kids but it is hard and sometime i can't control myself.
    I have him checked out for STD's and myself also, we are both clear.I have no feeling for him and could careless if he dies tomorrow the only loss will be that my kids lost a father thats it.I just have to see where it takes us and how much i can handle before i give up on this relationship.
    I hope i get some feed back from some sisters who have been through this unbearable pain and have slowly started to heal.
    thank you for your help I really appreciate it.

  6. Salaams,

    I'm not sure what you mean about the counselor handling your situation in a way that's for "Americans". Americans would be just as hurt by cheating as you are. There is no difference in that. If you don't feel the counselor you are seeing is helpful, then change and find a new one. You're not locked in to working with someone if you feel you are not getting anywhere. There are many different types of therapist and treatment modalities, so keep looking until you find someone who you feel is right for you and your husband.

    I don't think people who have been cheated on can just get over it on their own. I think everyone needs professional help with that, because it's such a severe breach of trust it's not something someone can just patch over by being 'good'. Serious issues have to be dealt with, strong emotions come up, and a proper guide is needed to help navigate through it all. That's why an effective therapist is vital.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  7. OP: I have not been sleeping with him for the past 5 months since he is home..... I know it is effecting my daughter who is 14 a lot. She does not even talk to him nicely and does not want to be around him.

    In your last post you talked about your husband was trying to meet other women, looking at porn etc and you two hardly have sex together Now you say your husband as getting involved in home activities more. Even now you guys don't sleep together. Does your husband have a low sex drive? If he does he is probably same with other women too?

    How his telling you about a affair he had going to help you? You have already decided he had? Just imagine he accepts what ever you think, what are you going to do? If you are sure he had an affair get him check out for STD before you do anything sexual with him.

    You NEED TO TALK to your 14 year old and see why he is not talking nicely to your husband? Is there any thing she wants to share with you? Has you husband treated her in bad way? Do you fight about your husband affair in front of your kids?

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