Islamic marriage advice and family advice

How can I move on from my haram relationship?

Pre-marital/extra-marital relationships are haram in Islam

I was in a relationship with a non practicing muslim for 9 months. In this space of time we were living together with his family.

I expected to get engaged but that didn't end up happening. After, he became very violent and possessive towards me resulting in me geting a black eye.

I chose to leave him 4 months ago. Despite leaving him, up to this day he still contacts me but I do not respond. I do miss him, I feel as if the wounds from the relationship are still open but I refuse to even contact him.

I understand that although he is contacting me he is in a new relationship. This hurt me, not because he has moved on, but because of the way he is flaunting his relationship, he never flaunted ours like he is doing his new relationship, but I know he is only doing this to get back at me as he still feels rejected.

I am currently speaking with a new brother who is serious about marriage, I have chosen not to meet him yet until his mother invites me over to speak with him and the family. I am willing to get married but he has told me I have to wait, but I am afraid that me waiting will push me into another haraam relationship as I want company so bad.

Please dont judge me for my past especially as I am not currently practicing Islam.


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3 Responses »

  1. Salaam Linita,

    I am sorry to hear what you have been through, but well done for leaving him. Alhumdulilah that Allah swt gave you the strength to leave. You did the right thing. Sister try not to be too hard on yourself. Your feelings are normal, of course it's going to hurt. It will for some time but with time wounds heal and it will get easier InshaAllah. This guy is also making it harder for you by contacting you so please change your contact details. Yes it's hassle but it's very difficult to move on when you don't get a break from this person contacting you.
    So it is this that's keeping the wounds open and preventing you from moving forward.

    When we lose someone we love, we go through a number of stages. Denial, Anger, Grieving etc.. Being in contact with the ex is detrimental in progression of these stages. So change your number and email etc. If he still continues contacting you or it gets worse then the authorities may be able to help.

    Also sister, you should not be pursuing or even thinking about marriage while you are still struggling to move on. It is not fair on you and it certainly is not fair on the brother. Rebounding rarely ever results in the formation of a lasting relationship, let alone a marriage. And while you still harbour feelings (any kind) towards your ex, your are risk of rebounding.

    So if this guy wants to wait, then wait. It will help you assess your feelings. Keep away from any sort of haraam contact with him - this is something you should be doing regardless of whether or not you can move on. You should not be meeting with him alone, all meetings should be in the presence of a 3rd party, preferably your mahram. Also avoid talking on the phone unecessarily as this is similar to being alone. No physical contact etc. Adhering to these rules will help protect you from zina and you know if he refuses to adhere to them that he is not serious. It's as simple as that.

    For now leave all brothers or potential proposals in the background so you can be sure of what you really want.

    I am sorry that you want company so badly, it does pass dear sister with time. Don't try to replace your ex or fall into games trying to get back at him. Just cut off contact with him by changing your number, keep busy and you say you're not practicing. Now is the perfect time to start - we don;t know when Allah swt will take us. And He swt has given you another chance to make amends. So take this beautiful opportunity and turn to Him. Acknowledge your sin you committed by being in the haraam relationship, sincerely repent and vow not to go near the sin again.

    Keep all necessary contact with guys within Islamic boundaries. As you have previously violated it and are especially vulnerable it is really important you are strict with this. In my life when I go through hardships I work especially hard to stay further away from brothers when I feel vulnerable. This has really worked for me Alhumdulilah.

    Changing from bad to good is a difficult journey but it's so rewarding. It will fill you with contentment and peace during hard times and gratitude during good times. Prayer also makes you extremely strong - you are able to cope with everyday mishaps better and of course it is a link between you and your Creator. Start building that link my dear sister. Channel that negative energy and all the loneliness hurt and pain into something good. If you do this, InshaAllah you will look back and say Alhumdulilah Allah gave me that test - and brought something beautiful out of the darkness.

    Also realise that no one can make you feel happy or beautiful dear sister. No one. Don;t rely on any person for emotional fulfillment - people are human. They let you down in someway or another. The only one you can rely on is Allah swt. You must seek happiness with Him. He loves you and He, unlike any person will always be there for you. He is just waiting for you to turn to Him. So don't put your happiness on the shoulders of others. You are responsible for your own happiness. Seek it with Allah swt.

    So start by doing one or two prayer a day if you can, and only your fardh. Purify your intention and do it for Allah swt alone and He will help you increase it each day. Also speak to Him, confide in Him how you feel. He knows but still speak to Him, as He is the only one that truly understand how you feel. Ask Him to get you out of this, keep you away from haraam and guide you. And InshaAllah He will. Also keep busy, maybe take up a new hobby - anything as long as it's halal. If it busy's your mind even better!

    As for moving on sister - its just time. And staying away from relationships/marriage/contact with this guy until then, as even though you refuse to speak to him - he is still creating a link to you. Break that link.

    If you need anymore advice/support, please feel free to comment on this post an we will help you InshaAllah


  2. Salaam Sis linita,

    Here's an amazing and beautiful lecture for your heart, I hope it strengthens your iman and you come back towards Islam, just see how beautiful Islam truly is and what it has to offer.

    Here's the download link (right-click and click on "Save as")

    Another lecture on those who desire paradise and many more from the same speaker:

    Good Luck InshAllah you will feel much better about yourself after listening to them!

    -Jazak Allah Khair.


  3. very pleased to hear that my dear sister.pray and make duas to Allah because he knows wat is best for sha Allah all will be well and cut contact with your ex since the past has nothing new to say...focuse in other halal issues and ignore the fact u wanna hv company

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