Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Since we moved to his sister´s house, he ignores me.

living with the inlaws

salam dear brother/ sister

I have been married for 2 yrs now and  am very upset with my husband, it´s like he doesn´t care for me any more. We both work for a living, he works shifts and I work mon to fri.

Before he'd pick me up from work and drop me off and you could tell that he wanted to do this but now for him it seems like a chore. If i try telling him what i feel he goes quiet, if i tell him what his family have done or said to me he'll retort back bringing up what my family may have done to him in the past, he always sided with others and doesn´t spend any time with me anymore.

I feel like I don´t know him any more. The other day he spent his whole day down a friends house watching cricket and then he collected me from my moms house and was in a rush to get home, home is currently his sisters house. As soon as we got in I changed my clothes and sat in the living rooom and he went directly into the frontroom to chat online with his uncle about the match and his sister was there too but didn´t feel he should spend time with me yet when he arrives from work I don´t move from his side, I comfort him and snuggle up to him and ask him how his day went and so forth. He used to do the same before but not any more. I don´t know what to do, I tried telling him this and again he just went silent on me.

Our house is under construction at the moment and it needs tidying when the builder is gone, he has up to 3 days off at a time but he doesn´t tell the builder what else needs doing or what he should do next, nor does he tidy the house or even check up on the builders work. Now the builder is going on a four week holiday and the work hasn´t finished,  we were meant to only stay at his sisters for a couple of weeks and now it is the 7th week. We used to live at my sisters house and that for 2 yrs till we bought a house, his sister is unbearable to live with and doesn´t like me at all, she miss treats me but he doesn´t see that.

I really am at breaking point and I really don´t know what to do, please help me, waiting for your reply,

wassalam jasmina

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4 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaykum Sister Jasmina,

    Your situation is really stressful and may Allah give you Sabr. Keep praying to Allah.

    Sabr is the most needed virtue I can advice you now. As far as your husband is concerned, let some days pass, do not ask him or question or complain to him much. Give some space to your relationship. Insha Allah he himself will realize his mistake and be caring as before.

    What more can a woman do then to love and care for her husband and be loyal to him? I believe you are doing all of that.

    My advice is plain: Keep sabr, it is required of you sister. Act slowly. Let the house work get over. Pray to Allah to give and increase love and mercy between your hearts for each other. Start praying Tahajjud if you can. Try to find times when you can read Qur'an translation with him together.

    Also, if the problem persists and you see the situation worsening, there is a verse in the Qur'an which suggests a way to make peace between couples:

    35. And if ye fear a breech between them twain (the man and wife), appoint an arbiter from his folk and an arbiter from her folk. If they desire amendment Allah will make them of one mind. Lo! Allah is ever Knower, Aware. - Surah Nisaa.

    Show him how much you love him in all ways you can. For some time, be patient, give and do not be grieved if you do not see any return at this moment, Insha Allah it will help in the long run.

    I would like to end my answer with a few wonderful verses of Surah Haa Miim,

    33. And who is better in speech than him who prayeth unto his Lord and doeth right, and saith: Lo! I am of those who surrender (unto Him).
    34. The good deed and the evil deed are not alike. Repel the evil deed with one which is better, then lo! he, between whom and thee there was enmity (will become) as though he was a bosom friend.35. But none is granted it save those who are steadfast, and none is granted it save the owner of great happiness.

    May Allah remove this distress from you. I am not married nor a woman, so from that perspective I may not be able to give a good advice and also I am a guy so have to limit myself to this.

    Other sisters by their experience and knowledge, Insha Allah will give you more advices to improve your ties.

    Turn to Allah, He will remove this distress from you, Insha Allah.

    Salaam & keep us posted with the progress/ improvements in the situation.

    Your brother,

    * * *

    Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.

  2. @ Sister Jasmina,

    Assalamu alaykum,

    Just noticed the question again. May be this behavior is because you are at someone else's house and he does not feel the appropriate privacy there. Or may be he does not want to show his sister that he is " in love" with you and "cares" for you and also takes care by picking and dropping you up to and fro from your work place.

    I know this psychology is wrong. But sometimes these brothers do not want their family to say " O ! He is mad after this new bride" or things like that. Some brothers may not have been like this with their sisters and they become good with their wives, so they must be trying to shy away from their sisters so as not to show them their affections for their wives.

    I hope you understand what I mean to say. Many mothers and sisters have this complaint with their sons and brothers that after marriage, "they have been taken away" or "stolen" or brother pays "more attention to wife" and they feel some kind of jealousy and insecurity as well.

    This may be one of the reason. Only Allah knows, but I just looked at the title of your question again and thought to write this.

    Let time pass, let you get back to your home, until then keep Sabr and like our Sister Maria writes " Unconditional love and respect" so give your husband that for now and Insha Allah all things will be well with time.

    Keep to patience and prayer sister. I know it is hard, but if you remain steadfast, Insha Allah you will find it easy to be patient.

    There are times when I find mistreatment from people, so I recite in my heart " Inna aatayna kal kawthar, fasalli li raabika wanhar, innashani aka huwal abtar" - " we have given you Abundance (of goodness), It is your insulter (and not you) whose root will be cut off ".

    I do not want anyone's roots to be cutt of, but I recite this Surah in my heart and it assures me that the one who mistreats or talks in an insulting tone is without manners and not me. Insha Allah, you can do the same too.


    * * *

  3. As salamu alaykum, sister Jasmina,

    Both excellent replays from brotherMunib, I would just add the following.

    Sister it is true when a man is surrouded by his family he changes upside down, don´t worry it is normal, you don´t have a moment of intimacy anymore, then get closer and I hope nobody listens to us, take advantage when you are alone, make him desire the time when you two are alone, strengthen your bond in the intimate level and try to ignore all that he does during the day, but at night time, he is yours, you should use all your tools to have him in your pocket, be loving and all....... that I cannot say here, you are his wife.

    And I tell you again, let him go during the day, don´t worry about it, be nice, loving as always and you will have your reward, insha´Allah. Related to the inlaws, breath in, breath outh, look for refuge in Allah and love and respect them unconditionally, bless them and be grateful to Allah(swt) you are learning a lot with them, Alhamdulillah.

    If you want your husband to go to your work, tell him directly, always telling him if you can or if it is possible for you, don´t take anything for granted and if he goes, thank him, you can make a difference, and I am sure you are going to do it, insha´Allah. And related to the house, tell him when does he have a minute where you can go together, be sweet, don´t get annoyed, smile from Heart, with your eyes, be soft speaking, you will melt his Heart if yours is already warm, insha´Allah.

    There is a link on top of the page with duas, please read them and choose the one that call your Heart the most, make it yours and recite it everytime you feel down, this will help you, insha´Allah.

    Keep with your salat and listen to what brotherMunib has said, Sabr,Sabr, Sabr. You can do it, sister, insha´Allah.

    All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,

    María Editor

  4. What an excellent advice from sis. maria and b.munib. . . It sound's marvellous,... I don't think sis. Jasmina is having problem anymore. . . . Set d advice given to you into processes(ie in steps) and walk through the process with sabr(ie patience)

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