Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My mum wants to start looking for a husband for me…

Muslim Man

I'm turning 17 soon and my mum has already started to give me the marriage talk. She's saying she wants me married by 19 and she wants to start looking for someone from now because it'll take time, and if we do find someone before then, she wants me to get married to him as soon as possible.

I wouldn't have a problem with this however right now I am actually interested in someone. He's pious, he has a good character and is studying to become an aalim. There is a mutual interest however he doesn't want to get married right now as he feels as though he's not ready because he's still studying and he's not financially stable.

Due to this, I don't want to tell my parents just yet, in case if I do and then they want to rush things and you know how it goes. I could either wait for two years till he's graduated and then we could perhaps tell out parents or I could tell my parents to start looking now and meet others and see how it all turns out and if it was meant to be Allah swt will bring me back to him. Any thoughts on what I should do?


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4 Responses »

  1. Assalam alaikum,

    If there is someone that you are interested in, you should tell your parents. The risk of talking to him alone without a mahram is far greater (and worse) than the risk of telling your parents and losing him. Value and respect yourself and do not bend the rules in the face of what you percieve as being a greater loss.

    I realize that he is becoming an Aalim, but that does not mean you do not need a wali involved--in fact, it is rather concerning that he is studying to become an Aalim and he has not made plans to speak to your father and make the necessary arrangements for pursuing a halal relationship with you in future.

    I pray that Allah ease your difficulty.

  2. Assalaamualaikam

    If you and this guy are interested in marriage, then it's really important for your families to be involved. I realise that you and he may be concerned about the financial side of marriage, but there are ways to manage this, inshaAllah. For example, the two of you could have your nikah in your present circumstances, so that you can be halal for each other and spend time together, and then leave moving in together, etc. until he's more established? That's just one option - different solutions work for different couples, but it's important to consider if these options might work for you two.

    You mention a mutual attraction, but has he actually stated that he intends to propose marriage? If he has, then tell him to speak to your father about this. If he hasn't, then try not to pin all your hopes on him if he hasn't shown the same commitment to you.

    Remember that you're still young, and there's no obligation on you to marry, especially at this stage in your life. If you want to marry, that's great - Alhamdulillah - but it's equally fine if you prefer to focus on other things in your life at the moment. Make sure that you complete your education, for example.

    Ask Allah for guidance, pray istikhara. May Allah guide you to what is best.

    Midnightmoon editor

  3. OP: There is a mutual interest however he doesn't want to get married right now as he feels as though he's not ready because he's still studying and he's not financially stable.

    How long have you known him? How do you know him? How often you meet him? Is there any physical relationship involved? This guy may just use you and move on. Did he say he wants to marry you? Good idea to go with your parents effort to find some one for you.

  4. Sister,

    Any thoughts you say?

    Stay in school and further your education.


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