Islamic marriage advice and family advice

muslim boyfriend forbidden to be with me

Hello, I am in a difficult situation and need some advice. 8 months ago I became involved with an arab muslim man, I myself am a christian. For awhile we kept our relationship a secret to his family who still lives in the middle east, until we became serious. He has met my family and they are supportive of our relationships, supportive of me raising our children muslim and possibly converting. He recently told his family about me and that he wished to marry me and would like their blessing. His father has told him that if he were to marry me, my boyfriend (now ex) would be exiled from the family. His father is also sick and his family has told him that he is to blame for his fathers illness and if he were to die it would be because of my boyfriend.

His family has never met me and anything the boyfriend tells them about me they tell him that I must be lying and I would change my mind anyways. We are currently not together but he would like to maintain a friendship until he can talk to his father possibly one more time in person, not on the phone as he previously has, and see if it changes. I started reading the Quran while we were together so I would know what to teach our children in the future and for my own sake, I have also strived for knowledge on his culture and even began taking lessons to learn arabic. I am devastated that we are forbidden to be together and feel that my world has fallen apart and so is he. If anyone has any advice on what to do I would greatly appreciate it. I found my soulmate and don't know what to do without him.


Tagged as: , , ,

20 Responses »

  1. ASA sister!

    As I read this, every hair on my body is standing! This is MY story! And I know just how you feel! It's hard, it's sad, and you feel like your world is about to end... I will tell you what I think and what everyone tells me.
    WHAT I THINK: (this is what I am doing in my case)
    I am willing to wait for this guy. I have being doing so going on 7 months. If you love this man, give him the time for him to talk to his family and dont pressure him, as this is very difficult for everyone. But meanwhile, Islamically, you guys should not date. It is very hard, I KNOW
    there is now way you guys will be together, if he does not stand up to his family and tell them this is the women i love and the one i want to share my life with.

    Its very hard trying to fit into a different culture...
    I see myself in your mirror! They judge me without knowing me, they dont like me. I have learned so much about Islam, i m also taking arabic classes, but yet, i m not good enough!!
    Remember! The Prophet pbuh once said :An arab is not better than a non arab and the other way around.



  2. Amira

    Thank you so much for your very kind words. I read your post a few times before I could respond, and the first time I cried. And while it feels nice to know that I am not alone, it makes me sad that you are going through this as well. We are not together at the moment, although we still talk sometimes, I know this might not be seen as acceptable but he is my best friend. I will wait for him, I could not think of doing anything else. There are a lot of people who say that I should not wait for him, but those who really know us and have spent time with us together tell us to wait and be patient, Muslim and Christians alike. I have met his Uncle, who he lives with here, and he has become supportive of our relationship, but encourages us to do it the right way, the Islamic way, and to be patient with his family and to give them time. Some days it is very easy and I am able to keep myself busy and stay positive, but some other days my heart hurts so much and I don't think I will be able to get through the day. I have been reading on this website for a few weeks now and it has given me a lot of motivation and strength. I have been asking Allah for patience and understanding, and each day I feel I gain a little piece of it. I think the hardest thing for me is feeling so little control over the situation, and that I am being judged by someone who has never met me before. I am very sad for him, I will call him by his first initial, M, in that he must be very torn, I know that this is hard for me, but I am so thankful to have a very open and accepting family that waited until they met him before placing judgement. They too had their concerns about our differences, but after talking with the two of us became comfortable with our decision to be together. I can not imagine what it must feel like for him to feel that he has to choose, I would never ask him to choose between his family and me, I don't think that it is right, family is very important and it makes me angry to know that they think that if we were to be together I would only push him away from them. There are so many things that I wish I could say to his family and assure them that while they may be worried about losing him, they wouldn't be losing a son but gaining a daughter. (cliche and cheesy I know but hey, its true 🙂 ) Thank you again for your kind words and I hope the best for you and your beloved, please keep me updated on your situation, and I am glad that we can use each other for support/


    • SALAAM sister!
      I so understand what you mean! it is very hard, at times the day seems great but other times you feel like you are dying slowly. But as you say, we must be patient! Allah rewards those who are patient!! And that keeps me going! Be patient and strong my dear! At the end of your waiting period, Inshallah, you will be rewarded. I too said the same thing about his family gaining a daugther, but they just dont want me as a daugther! :(... At this time this guy went back home... for over a month, Im heartbroken, and thinking when he comes back, if he does he will be married? Engaged? 🙁 I get sad but then i think :" My love for him was not wasted, Because i learned so much, and i was loved back" I love him so much, if he were to tell me he is getting married, i would move aside and let him be happy... As for you, give time some time. And things will fall in place. i wish u n i were closer to each other to support each other, call and talk to each other. But from far away i send you a big warm hug!! If he tells you things will be different, give him the time! Dont rush! and most important keep asking Allah swt for his help and guidance!! 🙂


    • ASA sister!
      I have not heard from you... Is everything ok? Are you still going through this hard time? If so, please remember that Allah swt is always there for you! N if it helps in any way, I am also here. Let me know if I can help!!


      • hello!
        So sorry it has been awhile, life has gotten hectic here, but busy in a good way. Still going through this hard time, but it is getting a bit easier. In September he will be going home to talk to his father and for a family wedding so we will see what happens then. I have been able to feel more prepared for the idea that when he comes back from home we may not be able to be together, and while I wish that it does not happen I know that whatever does happen will eventually be for the best. I went on vacation for the last week to spend time with some of my family and friends and that was some nice self-care to relax myself, I hope you get the opportunity to do the same! I am trying to let go of my anger and frustrations with his family because it does me no good to carry these negative feelings when there is not much I can do about them. I just need to be patient and trust in Allah that it will work out the way its supposed to be. I went to a friends wedding last weekend where both of the families were happy to come together and be united and it made me realize how much I want that for me and my family. I want to be with him so much but we need our families support to be able to have a chance at success and I don't want him to experience conflict with his family because of this, I love him too much to see him separated from his family. (can you tell this is one of my good days 🙂 ) I am keeping myself busy with work, and school and focusing on moving forward. I am still reading the Quran and learning about Islam, trying to understand the culture of it as well as the religion and that has helped me a lot. How are you? How have things been for you? I hope things are getting easier for you, and while it took me awhile to respond, I am still here for support!


        • ASA sister!
          Im so happy to hear that you are doing well. And you dont know how proud of you I am!! When you say you will prepare yourself for when he comes , that you might not be able to be together! That was an advice i got a couple days ago from my cousin. I really wish you the best my dear! And i will tell you like many other sisters have told me on my post... He will give the first and most important step of all, Talk to his family. I really really hope his family can see that you make him happy and there is no reason why you two cant be together.

          In my case ( im not sure if you have read my last post ... " I dont want what's best for me...I want him....) I am still struggeling very much! My days seem so long. I cant deal with the idea that he is so far away from me, and that his famiy might pressure him into a marriage or engagement. I feel horrible, I know im very depressed!! But there is nothing much i can do, but wait. Wait and see what happens when he gets back on the 20th of Aug. Inshallah! Im hoping things will go the way i want and Allah swt will help his family understand... 🙁

          Please keep in touch. Btw where do you live? IDK if i can do this but i would love to give u my email address so we can stay in touch!! Let me know!

          thanks for being there for me!!

          • Salaam!

            Thank you so much, its always nice to hear someones words of encouragement! It was very hard to get to this point, I had a lot of hard days and I know more are to come, but part of me feels more at peace because of it, I know that no matter what happens I will come out a stronger and better person because of it. I just got so tired of all the negativity and had to push it out of my mind! I hope and pray that you will be able to get to this point soon, our situations do not mean that we have to be unhappy and miserable, we can be happy while still hoping for the best and knowing that it might not work out, believe me I still want to be with him more than anything but I realized that I can't let my life stop because of it. I hope you can find something that makes you happy and can keep your mind busy during this time. It is a good time to focus on yourself and your future, whether it be with him or not. One thing that I tell myself is that, he didn't fall in love with a woman who is sad, and down, and not able to get through the day, he fell in love with me, a very optimistic, bright, goal oriented person who loves to laugh and who can be strong even in very tough situations. This made me realize that I was not acting like me and it was horrible being that sad, and I didn't want that for me, so I started focusing on being me again. I am still reading the Quran, which I am glad that I am doing, and I spent some time with my family as well, and have surrounded myself with people who are positive in general, I am focusing on my work and schooling too which has helped. So I hope you can find a hobby or something to do or a project at work, which you care about, this is a time for you to focus on yourself and do something for you as well. Just because you're waiting doesn't mean you have to pine around being miserable, he wouldn't want that for you, and you don't deserve that!

            September is when he goes home and I'm scared but if it is meant to be then it will happen, it's not in my control anymore. I love him and if he loves me, he will know how to handle the situation in the best way possible. I have to trust him, and I have to trust that no matter the outcome, Allah knows what is best. Does not mean if it doesn't that i will not be heartbroken but I know I'll make it.

            I live in Louisiana, in America. What about you? I don't know the policy on email addresses but mine is ***** . I'm thinking about you! Stay strong and positive!


            (Email address removed by Editor)

          • ASA Nicole!
            Please check your email as i have wrote down more to your reply! 🙂

  3. sisters this can go so many ways
    1) He stand's up for your relationship and tell's his family this is what i want like it or lump it. in which case a)his family back down and except you ,b) They tell the 2 of you to stay away from them, and you marry and live happy ever after.insha'Allah.c)or he blame's you for the break down of his family relationship and resents you,d)You except islam and learn to love this deen but he is not that religious which will cause you problem's.e)You have children and all of the sudden your to westen and you cant teach my child this and that, sisters these are some of the things that friends of mine girls ive known all my life who married muslim guys have dealt with and these muslim boys were born in the west Allah known's what the ones from other cultures are like, iam so happy this has made you notice islam keep it up this is a great religion but please go in this with your eyes open not just your heart.

  4. Salaam sister

    In islam marriage is a union of families. often if there is not a polite merging it can prove troublesome in the future. I understand your predicament but I implore that you do not force this marriage if his parents do not agree.

    If i may suggest, sometimes actions speak louder than words and if you feel you wish to convert. Learn more about this beautiful religion and think about whether you wish to convert. Although they may believe this to be forced by your affection for this man. I would suggest you do this out of your own heart.

    Love god and fear your sins.

    Do not continue dating, in Islam women are allowed to initiate the marriage proposal.

    Again I wish I could give you more advice, however i am trying to provide an Islamic angle. I hope you every success in life and please remember: every person has a fore told path and every decision made is for your own benefit. Because Allah loves and cares for all of us.


    Your brother


  5. Wow! Nicole, I am going through the same exact situation as you are, I am curious to know what has happened? and I hope you still go on this site, so that I can get some much needed advice! Please please please please respond to this!!!!!

  6. sabraham,

    I am sorry that you are going through this right now, I know it is a very difficult position to be in. He and I separated for awhile until he was able to go back home to his parents and talk with them. We separated in July and he left in September for about two weeks. It was a really hard time being separated but it gave us both time to think about what it was we really wanted and to make sure we were making the right decision. I would like to say that we did it completely the Islamic way but we still talked and sometimes we saw each other, though it was not frequently that we saw each other and the same for talking. He went home and talked to his family and they told him that they wanted to make sure that he was sure of his decision and that if he was positive he was making the right decision to marry me then they would learn to accept our relationship. He came back a few weeks ago and we are now engaged and will be having our nikah by the first of the new year. My only advice is just to be patient, but firm. Make sure what you expect and want is clear and don't put yourself in a position of waiting for a long period of time. The few months that i waited were very hard but also really beneficial, it not only give him time to think about what he wanted and how he would approach his family but gave me time to think through the realities of the relationship. Mixed religion and mixed culture relationships can be very hard and you must be able to compromise with the person who you are in the relationship with. You both must try to learn about each others cultures, understand them and respect them. Be able to communicate with each other very easily, my fiance and i are very open with each other and address any concerns that we have, big or little, and work them out together. Think about the things that he has told you are important to him and what his vision is for when he has a family and for his future, and think if its something you can see yourself being happy with. Also let him know what your hopes for a future are as well. There will be a lot of tough times to come and he will be your partner through all of it so communication is very important and being able to compromise with him on certain things. I hope everything works out for you. But know that no matter what happens it will be for the best in the long run. I finally realized during the time that I was waiting that I needed to let go of control over the situation and trust that God knows what he is doing. Once I let go it felt really good, if this man wants to be with you and it is meant to be it will work itself out in due time.

    • Is there anyway we can please exchange contact information. Your story is beautiful and I'm so happy to hear that everything worked out for you. I have no body to talk to and I am in a very hard state right now. I wish only the best from this situation but I feel that mine won't have the happy ending yours did. My boyfriend does not even want to try to make this work. He says that his family will never accept me or us. It is just crushing inside because I am willing and trying to make every effort possible. He says he loves me and only wishes to be with me but it is just impossible, he is very closed minded and his family is very traditional. I just feel like I know we could work out but he doesnt even want to make the effort. Can you please help me throught this difficult time, its hard to talk to people such as friends because they dont know what it is like to be in a mixed religion relationship. I would love to be able to email, or even text you. Find me on facebook. Stephanie Marie Mital.
      Thank you soo much!

  7. I'm in a ongoing relationship with a Muslim man who was once married, he has two children and now recently went back home overseas to visit his family. He has custody over his two small children, his sister and mother help care for his children in the US. My intuition is he's engaged because he hasn't called me for weeks , he's spending 8 months in his country. When I ask him to be honest with me, he tells me he's not getting married. My question is after your divorced in Islam do you have I get married? Or is it something that his family decides? Thank you Lauren

    • Lauren,

      Whether one has ever been previously married or not, no one can be forced to marry. If you feel that this Muslim man is hiding something from you, listen to your gut and protect yourself. If you require further advice or help, please log in and submit your question as a separate post - adding in more detail so can advice you properly.

      SisterZ Editor

  8. Just an update to all (I am the original poster) we got married December 23, 2011!! As stated before he went home to his family in September and talked to them for their blessing, returned in October, asked my mother and step-father for my hand in marriage (biological father does not play the role of father at all, is more like a very distant childish uncle but that is a story for another day) and we were married in December! We are very happy together and having the support of both of our families finally is a wonderful feeling, we would not be able to make it without them and while involving them in the beginning was tough it was worth it. We have come out stronger as individuals and in our relationship together as well as in our own individual relationships with God. Thank you all for your advice and support and I wish you all many blessings and a lifetime of happiness.

    This website has been an amazing thing for me to find, not just for support about my situation either. I have been exposed to a group of very intelligent, kind and supporting persons who are strong in their faith. I have been able to learn so much about Islam through this site and how it is practiced in everyday modern life. The majority of posts on here are so nice and refreshing to see, thanks to everyone who participates here, not just on my individual post but on all of the posts. It is a true brother and sisterhood of Islam that is being presented here and I applaud you all and encourage you to continue your good work of supporting your brothers and sisters in faith and guiding them the right way. Bless you all!!

  9. Dear Nicole,

    This is lovely news maashaAllah. May Allah bless your marriage with the sweetness of true faith, aameen.

    SisterZ Editor

Leave a Response